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Overall Rating

Awesome: 11.48%
Worth A Look: 18.03%
Just Average: 5.74%
Pretty Crappy: 18.85%

10 reviews, 62 user ratings

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3,000 Miles to Graceland
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Slyder

"Shit is King"
1 stars

Thank God for cable. I am really thankful that this little piece of equipment exists, because after seeing this movie, I would’ve been really pissed had I wasted seven bucks on this pathetic, pretentious, and totally fucking idiotic piece of shit. For me the following is clear: It looks like both Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell are way off from fucking redemption. Christian Slater’s slowly rebuilding career has been shot down to hell for good. And the Arquette’s? Well, David proves that he’s just another fucking idiot who only serves for background, and Courtney Cox (David’s wife) proves that she’s nothing but a plastic talent-less bitch and will make you wonder why is it that she's so popular in Friends. Add a lame plot, lousy directing, flashy camera angles and editing and you’ll start realizing why this fucking film sucked badly. This is one messed up movie from start to finish, and clearly deserves to be blasted for everything it fucks up on.

The first signs of annoyance appear at the beginning of the movie with those pathetically stupid video game-like opening credits. Uh-oh, brain cramps are developing since this pretty much gives a hint as to what's in store. The film is about two fucks just fresh out of jail, Thomas Murphy (Kevin Costner) and Michael Zane (Kurt Russell). Both are supposed illegitimate descendants of Elvis Presley, and are planning a major casino heist with their buddies Hanson (Christian Slater), Gus (David Arquette), and Franklin (Bokeem Woodbine). To do so, they'll go in as Elvis impersonators for a Elvis Revival in the casino, or some shit like that. That happens, and a huge shootout occurs, and then, the first cliché of predictability occurs when Franklin is killed in the progress (hint: he's not white). Then the double cross occurs when Murphy shoots everyone else (that’s no spoiler, you know that’s going to happen at any moment). But luckily (!) Zane had his vest on, so he goes on to chase after him. In the meantime, enter a spoiled brat, Jesse (David Kaye), who breaks into the gang's safe house, steals the money and hides it in his mother's house. His mother turns out to be tramp and fucked up femme fatale Cybil (Courtney Cox-Arquette). Zane soon finds out where the stash is but then, forced by Cybil, they all go into a road trip to LA to launder the money, and get away from Murphy. And then the film goes like this: Murphy must find Zane, then Zane must find Murphy while the tramp and the brat weave their way through.

If there has ever been a more stupid movie, this is it. I mean the entire plot is so illogical and full of unbelievable coincidences, laughable clichés, and stupid plot holes. The characters are never likeable since Murphy is just a fucking psycho in a trip of bad acid, Zane is a pathetic moronic fuck, while Cybil and the kid are just the stuff of nightmares, and the film could care less about either one. The casino heist is shot in a flashy bullet-blazing, destruction-ridden way that it would bring blatant flames of annoyance from within you since the sequences sound and smell and feel like a blatant John Woo rip-off. Then when innocent by-standers are killed just for the hell of it, it just piles on the stupidity of the scene. Franklin, the black guy is a cliché, and you know he’s going to be the first one to get popped. And when the obvious double-crossing occurs afterwards, the film gets bashed into a road trip of idiotic proportions. Here are the "standouts:"

1. Zane threatening Cybil – It is neither suspenseful nor funny.
2. Murphy getting distracted and going off the road and into a ditch, knocking himself out – A perfect example on how this film is going to be.
3. Murphy blowing up a gas station – Was that necessary?
4. Cybil trying to act sexy – Belch, did she really have to?
5. Murphy being blown by a gal while driving – Those expecting titillation, sorry, it ain’t happening
6. And then later Murphy sending her gal away – Ok, so who the hell was that, and why did he take her anyways?
7. Murphy facing off with a Police officer western style – What the fuck was that all about?
8. Cybil cheating Zane out – You’ll laugh at this one, even more when she returns.
9. Murphy killing people who have nothing to do with the film – (groaning) Why?
11. Zane being ridiculously arrested for stealing a car – Laugh out loud.
Jesse and his “partner” contract – Funny (as in ridiculous) and pathetic.

There are also the unbelievable coincidences of Murphy and Zane sharing the jail, and Murphy spotting both Cybil and Jesse in another car while going in opposite directions on the road in what has to be the lamest coincidence ever. Gosh, what the hell was that? I mean, couldn’t the filmmakers find a way to add some intelligence to the film, for fucks sake? Then the flashy editing was also getting into my nerves, with director Demian Liechtenstein trying to show us his “music video” abilities. Slow forward, fast forward, slow forward, fast forward, cross image, return, cross fast forward image return. Print, and annoy.

His screenplay is awful as fuck as well. The Elvis illegitimate children subplot is left to dry, and we never see the real connection between the story itself and Elvis. And this is only part of the film's pretentiousness as it tries to be action, it tries to be comedy, it tries to be smart, it tries a lot of things and it falls flat on its face in every single one. Damn it Demian, if you really want to show some style or if you want to prove that you’re an ARTISTE, well fuck, start by writing an intelligent script instead of attempting a lame-ass style-over-substance approach.

Ok, I have to admit that some of the action was fun. Especially when Ice-T comes flying with his machine guns killing everyone nearby. But that’s as far as it’ll get.

The acting is sub-par here. Bokeeem Woodbine as the black member of the gang is wasted here, totally. And why the hell was David Arquette cast as a baddie? Probably just to watch her girl grab Russell’s dick so he can yell out “You never do that to me, you bitch, but I still love you.” Gee, talk about miscasting in the worst sense of the word. Christian Slater is a piece of cardboard here, and you can see he has no interest in the movie. Well, he needs the money so who can blame him? His career is already in the gutter. David Kaye is a spoiled brat, no wonder he fits his role perfectly, but still, his character has no point in being there in the first place. Courtney Cox though, shows here that she’s one of the most one-sided, and most monotonous actresses out there. She’s a beautiful actress and a hot one, and I wonder aloud why is it that she's trying so hard to act sexy instead of being her own self? It's just pathetic. Then when she tries to act in the dramatic moments, she comes off either laughable or irritating. Just watch the scene where she tries to "cry her eyes out" in front of Kurt Russell's Zane. It's a cringe-inducing performance, so bad that it would've even made her hubby David go out of the theater and ask for his money back. Hell, I know that I would. Kurt Russell is lost here, and at the same time, it seems that he's the only one here having fun with the role. Well, he did Elvis a while ago didn’t he? But Kevin Costner? Gees-us, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, BITCH? Gosh, 9 bombs (This fucker, Wyatt Earp, The War, The Bodyguard, Robin Hood, The Postman, Waterworld, For Love Of The Game and Message In A Bottle) in 10 years, 4 of them in a row. Has your brain gone soft or something for you to choose all these shitty roles? And then when you do a good movie (Tin Cup, 13 Days) you again splatter yourself back into another horrible movie. Why? Here’s my advice for you: TAKE A FUCKING BREAK FROM FILMING. Your sense of creativity is already tiresome as hell. Do what your buddy Lawrence Kasdan did, take a five-year break, and when you feel renewed, then bring it on again. LISTEN TO ME! DO WHAT I SAY YOU FUCK! We can’t afford to waste any more money just to watch you lose more intelligence with bad film after bad film.

In the end, don’t waste your time in this movie. You want a casino heist film, go rent Ocean’s 11. If you want a satire, rent Dr Strangelove, you want action, rent Face/Off, but don’t rent this. (0.5–5)

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=4923&reviewer=235
originally posted: 03/07/02 23:08:01
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User Comments

2/13/18 Jack How the heck did this THING get made? It's beyond awful. 1 stars
9/13/17 morris campbell IT SUCKS 1 stars
3/22/16 David H. 3,000 miles to pure rubbish 1 stars
6/21/14 Richard Brandt Has Courtney Cox ever looked hotter? I don't think so! 3 stars
6/04/11 Andrew L I was throughly entertained! gotta love courtneys assets 5 stars
2/26/10 Jeff Wilder Better than its reputation. 4 stars
8/29/08 Shaun Wallner This is the kind of movie you fall asleep too. 1 stars
7/19/08 travis this movie is so underrated, its not great, but its solid entertainment 4 stars
6/19/07 --- Not even worth renting. Turned it off after about 35 minutes....a total mess 1 stars
4/11/06 Seanboy Big, dumb but one of the most surreal things i've witnessed, EricD hit the nail on the head 4 stars
8/29/05 ES good action, good cast, no need to rip on a movie played for fun 4 stars
6/20/05 Indrid Cold It doesn't suffer from bad acting, but just about everything else. 2 stars
6/08/05 Agent Sands Though it can be good, light fun, it's also extremely corny and dumb at times too. 3 stars
2/10/05 Jeff Anderson AN ACTING MILESTONE FOR KEVIN COSTNER, I'M NOT KIDDING! He's one mean & despicable SOB!!!!! 5 stars
2/04/05 tatum Completely formula, but done with style. Costner is fantastic 5 stars
2/02/05 G-Man excellent plot and awesome acting 5 stars
10/17/04 adam shaw (ivan campo) incredible, russell at his sizzling best!! 5 stars
9/13/04 Anarchist_101 This film is 'VERY' underrated... Hey, it's better than a Van Dame flick! 5 stars
6/26/04 Travado de Skol This is the one of the greatest films i have seen, the firt is gladiator and this came afte 5 stars
5/13/04 AngeFaitore Thomas Haden Church was hot, though. 2 stars
5/05/04 J.Peckerfoot Shame bout costner.its not a BAD film,its just not that great either.Watchable tho. 3 stars
1/15/04 Samuel a pretty decent film all in all 3 stars
1/03/04 moviebuff One plus: It's better than Horse Whisperer 1 stars
11/18/03 Jenny gicldod Courtney cox is Mean Petty Dumb 1 stars
6/26/03 cochese It was SUPPOSED to be cheesy. 4 stars
5/04/03 Jenny Tullwartz A Jailhouse Crock that Elvis would consider His Latest Shame if he had to see it. 2 stars
4/23/03 Andrew Carden Who Wrote This Film? A Donkey? Contrived and Mindless. 1 stars
3/22/03 GMan Will someone kill Costner please? Save me from this shit of a movie. 1 stars
3/10/03 Daniel T. Why do YOU write for this site? Looking for logic in the best US trash?Fuck Pulp Fiction! 5 stars
1/19/03 Jim Eh. Violent and shallow. Gets an extra star for tarting up Courteney Cox though. 3 stars
1/09/03 Ange Faitore The movie sucks but Thomas Haden Church looks hotter than ever and his acting is sharp! 2 stars
12/28/02 y2mckay Holy shit! Sommersby and I agree again! GUILTY PLEASURE - though more pleasure than guilt. 4 stars
12/28/02 Jon "Thumb the Toad" Lyrik Wait a second. Sommersby thinks this tripe is better than Memento? BAH! 1 stars
10/26/02 MarktheShark6 "Nobody ever says: 'the King is Down.'" This movie was great, wow... 5 stars
5/17/02 Candace Troy Powers Jenny, Don't Be Cruel, Hard Hearted Woman! Nothin' to get All Shook Up about! 3 stars
5/17/02 Jenny Tullwartz A Jailhouse Crock that Elvis would consider His Latest Shame if he had to see it. 2 stars
3/19/02 Aborted Gently This film was a guilty pleasure for me. It was so hokey and predictable, but fun to watch. 4 stars
10/31/01 jamie ward a must see this is the best movie of the year Kevin Costner 4 life 5 stars
9/28/01 Phoenix Has some elements of a good movie, but ends up being mediocre. 3 stars
8/13/01 SJKelley What movie were you watching? This was a very good film from beginning to end. 5 stars
8/08/01 Monday Morning I hate Kevin Costner's guts. He can't act and is probably a flaming asshole in real life. 1 stars
7/14/01 Rampage Goddam ugly movie... Russell's shoddiest of his career 1 stars
5/24/01 viking I won't waste my money on this crap 1 stars
5/22/01 Archibld Does this thing ever end???? 1 stars
4/25/01 Brian Elvis impersonators + machine guns + trashy women - socially redeeming value = GOOD TIMES! 4 stars
3/25/01 Sid 6.7 A guaranteed, insultingly lobotomized candidate for the 2001 recycling bin of clunkers 1 stars
3/20/01 val WHY ME GOD!?!?! WHY!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
3/08/01 Dave I should have gotten a fiber optic video scope and watched the inside of my butt for 2 hrs 1 stars
3/07/01 Joseph F. Thompson I thought it was a great film 5 stars
3/07/01 Mike If I were to die without going to confession I would gostraight to hell with the producers! 1 stars
3/02/01 greg morfoot awesome film 5 stars
3/01/01 Captain Highcrime Not enough Paul Anka if you ask me. 1 stars
3/01/01 Weasel Could've been good if they changed the actors, script, and director 1 stars
2/27/01 The Evil Penguin I Liked It. Pretty much. 4 stars
2/27/01 AK47 I SAID this movie would suck and TAJ yelled at me! 1 stars
2/26/01 Jeff Unique characters, love Lovitz, and Courteney Cox is worth watching alone 5 stars
2/26/01 The Bomb 69 ??????????????????????????????????????? 1 stars
2/24/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) 42 muscles to frown, 4 to extend your arm and smack all involved upside the head. 1 stars
2/23/01 Greyhound So it ain't Mission Impossible. Still fun, and Courteney Cox is HOT!! Needed more cast time 4 stars
2/23/01 Kairi Taylor A movie with Costner AND Russell in it....RUN MUTHAFUCKER RUN LIKE A BITCH IN HEAT!!!! 1 stars
2/23/01 Kiss My Grits WHY GOD WHY? 1 stars
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  23-Feb-2001 (R)



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