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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.76%
Worth A Look42.86%
Just Average: 11.9%
Pretty Crappy: 11.9%
Sucks: 28.57%

3 reviews, 24 user ratings

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by Slyder

"The Beginning of the end for Steve Martin"
1 stars

Once upon a time, a wannabe screenwriter called David Atkins thought that teeth would make for great filmmaking. Somebody should pull his fucking teeth out just so he can see what it feels like to sit through this stinker that was responsible for Steve Martinís career derailing.

Frank Sangster (Martin) is a dentist on way to better things; he made a dentistry corporation with his fiancťe Jean (the ever hot Laura Dern), which is starting to show progress while at the same time providing some shelter for his hack brother Harlan (Elias Koteas). Then one day, Frank meets Susan Ivey (the equally hot Helena Bonham-Carter), a drug addict whom fucks her way through Frank so she an her brother Duane (Scott Caan) can get a-hold of the narcotics supply in the dentistry. So, Frank is investigated by the DEA for possible drug selling, and then threatened by Duane to stay away from her sister while Jean and Harlan go for a walk. Later, Frank finds Duane in his house dead of a shotgun blast, is framed for the murder through his teeth and then sent to jail, only to escape and join forces with Susan to try and find out who is setting him up.

If you know your Alfred Hitchcock Guide to Mystery/Suspense moviesÖ hang on, scratch that, if youíre not a 5-year-old mentally retarded autistic, youíll notice where exactly the key to the several plot twists are, which will make this black comedy the more stupider the more it tries to pass itself as ďintelligent.Ē Jean and Harlan going for a walk WOW, AMAZING, WHY THE FUCK DIDNíT I SEE THAT COMING? This film has no idea what it wants to be, either comedy or drama, or suspense, or even porno, or the combination of the four, since the whole tone of the film changes halfway through when the least you expect it, therefore making it annoying. This film is a completely amateurish, overindulgent, and pretentious piece of shit because it turns out to be so shallow and self-conscious that it ends up insulting the intelligence of its audience, not to mention that it is STUPID! Cops are seen like a bunch of retarded pathetic fat-ass sleaze balls like if that weren't an overused cliche. Also, just tell me what the fuck was it with the Kevin Bacon character? Hell, itís brought and then forgotten immediately which makes me wonder if Atkins wrote it up at the last minute and/or forgot to edit it. And then later he helps the suspect (thatís Frank) escape from the Police Department in front of several cops and NONE OF THEN RECOGNIZES WHO THE FUCKING SUSPECT IS EVENTHOUGH HIS FUCKING FACE WAS ON TV! Goddamn, this is one of the worst wastes of money that Iíve seen in a while since Rand Ravich wasted my time with The Astronautís Wife; David Atkins, go back to film school for Christ sake and donít come back until youíve learned how to write a goddamn script. Son of a bitch I canít believe there are retarded studio executives and actors that are stupid enough to let hack screenwriters play director with a budget. Donít believe me, go check besides Ravich, John Herzfeld (the worst of the bunch) and Michael Cristofer for that matter. Those fuckers should be burned in hell along with Atkins for wasting viewersí time and money.

The cast is awful, Martin does his best but you can see that heís in pain, and I mean a lot of pain because he knows what a piece of shit this is, not to mention that Martinís career has gone downhill ever since (Bringing Down The House, Cheaper By The Dozen). Do yourself a favor Steve, hire yourself a better agent, start writing again, or otherwise retire. Helena Bonham-Carter is pretty much the same but at least she enjoys herself and also enjoys baring her breasts once, man a sight for sore eyes. Laura Dern chews up the scenery but in the end she ends up rather ridiculous than memorable. Please e-mail me so you can explain to me what the fuck was Elias Koteas, Keith David and Kevin Bacon doing in here? Their appearances on this film are nothing short of POINTLESS. Really shitty work from an A-List cast here.

In the end, donít waste your time on this piece of shit. You want suspense, rent any Alfred Hitchcock movie; you want mystery, rent LA Confidential; you want black comedy, rent Dr. Strangelove, but donít rent this. 0.5-5

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=5349&reviewer=235
originally posted: 03/11/04 20:30:10
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User Comments

1/05/13 MatthewThompsonDalldorf Yeah, it's a movie 3 stars
7/15/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Not bad, but not as good as I thought it would be. 3 stars
10/20/06 AnnieG More than just "good guy ruins his life over lust for druggie skank" , but not much. 3 stars
7/16/05 R.W. Welch Unconvincing as drama; unfunny as comedy. A skipper. 2 stars
4/24/04 Amy The worst ecting ever, terrible 1 stars
4/12/04 Jean pretty conventional, almost sucks. Dern is great 2 stars
3/25/04 bruce miller dont waste your time 2 stars
3/12/04 Caiphn A good flick. 4 stars
1/17/04 steve andrews "Novocaine" is a unique, quirky and dark comedy. Give it a watch. 4 stars
4/19/03 Dillon As much fun as a root canal; Stevo & cast fail miserably 1 stars
3/21/03 Jack Sommersby Unwisely turns into a thriller after starting off deftly as dark comedy. 2 stars
12/21/02 Pigwidgeon Beneath the funny is a heart of nasty and noir. Martin rules. 5 stars
9/25/02 Morally Sound Who knew dentists could be so funny? 4 stars
8/03/02 mattski bang on review. the film is ok in a good kinda way 4 stars
7/29/02 Monday Morning Steve, PLEASE do more movies like "The Jerk" and "Man With Two Brains" 2 stars
5/26/02 seldom scene PRETTY COOL non mainstream movie 4 stars
5/25/02 Keith A nice, refreshing alternative to the run-of-the-mill Hollywood drivel 4 stars
5/10/02 The Bomb 69 just not believable, not many laughs either 3 stars
4/25/02 Spyguy2 Steve Martin hasn't been funny since he removed the arrow from his head. 3 stars
11/24/01 King of the Bros Oh yeah well you guys suck!! 5 stars
11/21/01 steve goldenbaum Hey Billhead what are you, a fucking speak and spell? PHuck off! And the movie sucked. 1 stars
11/16/01 The Flaming Billhead Learn to spell, son! It's worst. Not worse. And the movie still sucks. 1 stars
11/16/01 The Flaming Chancehead What a used condom of a movie!I fuck this where it stands! The worse ever!! 1 stars
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  16-Nov-2001 (R)


  13-Sep-2001 (M)

Directed by
  David Atkins

Written by
  David Atkins

  Steve Martin
  Kevin Bacon
  Helena Bonham Carter
  Laura Dern
  Elias Koteas
  Scott Caan

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