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Overall Rating
2

Awesome: 3.7%
Worth A Look: 7.41%
Just Average: 29.63%
Pretty Crappy: 3.7%
Sucks55.56%

3 reviews, 9 user ratings


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Goodbye, Lover
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by Chef ADogg

"Ooooohhh....This is crap."
1 stars

Another lame-o psuedo noir that doesn't have the balls or conviction to work itself up into anything more than a pointless retread of movies like Double Indemnity and LA Confidential.

Goodbye, Lover is a cinematic leech--it attaches itself to better films and then sucks them dry. But the one thing this movie can't derive from its source material is energy, and that's exactly what drives film noir.

Energy.

Goodbye, Lover doesn't even have the gusto to work up a palpable sense of sleaze. To my eyes, it just looks like a bunch of rich white folks, copulating and killing under the California sun. The characters in this movie perform their devilish deeds (which, in a movie so strapped in convention, feel more like duties) with such automated detachment that it's all but impossible to actually give a fuck about what's going on.

Patricia Arquette plays a slut, just like every other role she's ever had. But I'm willing to bet you that Patty Arquette is a really good person in real life--I bet she even goes to church to pray for salvation from dreck like this.

I know Patty's a good girl because she has no idea how to be a bad girl. She tries so hard to be sexy--it's like watching a big fat guy trying to squeeze his hairy ass into a Speedo. It's a) disgusting and b) so obviously an exercise in futility that you can't help but laugh through the tears.

Enough about Patricia Arquette. Let's talk about Don Johnson. But first, let me choke back the bile threatening to overtake my mouth at the mere thought of that fucking jagoff.

What the hell is Don Johnson doing in a movie? For all practical purposes, the man was dead before this. Suffering out the late nineties at the creative wasteland that is CBS on a low rent smooth-cop show with Cheech Marin, Mr. Johnson was forgotten by most.

And I would have liked to keep it that way. But no, here comes Goodbye, Lover to wake up the ghosts of the eighties and turn stomachs all across the country. Don Johnson is waste of egg-and-sperm, pure and simple. And, if I had my way, he'd be strapped in an electric chair right now waiting for somebody to pull the switch.

But I don't have my way. Don Johnson is alive and kicking. And he's taken some time off from his day job as a walking punchline to get his hands dirty and do some ACTING.

Yeah fucking right.

Anyways, Arquette and Johnson are having an affair, and Dermot Mulroney smirks, and there's some booby-less sex, and some crazy shit happens, and I think at least fifteen people fake their own deaths. But I sort of lost track.

This movie is a piece of shit. Skip it. Oh, for the love of god, SKIP IT!

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=551&reviewer=123
originally posted: 10/09/99 13:33:28
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User Comments

6/05/10 PAUL SHORTT ABYSMAL, CONVOLUTED COMIC THRILLER 1 stars
5/15/05 Indrid Cold Good trash entertainment. DeGeneres is extremely annoying though. 4 stars
3/23/03 Jack Sommersby An atrocious and vile attempt at a black comedy. Johnson is only bright spot. 1 stars
3/05/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress Viewer is constantly teased by the film it could have been, but leaves you feeling cheated. 3 stars
7/18/99 TOMB GREAT MOVIE 5 stars
5/26/99 Vini Luv it 4 stars
5/26/99 Robert Houghton Pseudo noir thriller. ineptly plotted. Insult to the mind 1 stars
4/25/99 Mr Showbiz Shows flashes of inspiration before sinking to the depths of a high-quality bad movie 3 stars
4/02/99 E This is what is known in Hollywood as a complication. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  16-Apr-1999 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  01-Jul-1999


Directed by
  Roland Joffé

Written by
  Ron Peer
  Joel Cohen

Cast
  Dermot Mulroney
  Mary-Louise Parker
  Don Johnson
  Ellen DeGeneres



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