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Overall Rating
1.77

Awesome: 1.89%
Worth A Look: 5.66%
Just Average: 9.43%
Pretty Crappy: 33.96%
Sucks49.06%

4 reviews, 29 user ratings


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Musketeer, The
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by EricDSnider

"Two of the three musketeers were let go, due to downsizing."
2 stars

As 2001: The Year of the Mediocre Film stumbles toward its dull finale, Hollywood puts in all the stops and foists another cookie-cutter action trauma upon us. It’s called “The Musketeer,” and guess what? It’s exactly like every other movie!

OK, not exactly. This one uses foils and rapiers instead of guns, and horses instead of cars. Also, thanks to movies like “The Matrix” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,” the people in this movie are not bound by the laws of gravity. Instead of being amazing (as in the movies just cited), however, it just looks like someone wanted Character X to get from point A to point B and couldn’t think of a logical way to do it, so they said, “Aw, heck, just let him fly.”

The film, directed by Peter Hymas (”End of Days”) and written by Gene Quintano (”Operation Dumbo Drop,” “Policy Academy 4”), is based on Alexander Dumas’s “The Three Musketeers,” in the sense that both have the word “musketeer” in the title.

Our hero is D’Artagnan (Justin Chambers), whose parents were killed when he was a child by the evil Febre (Tim Roth). Now, as a grown-up, he wants to become a musketeer, defend honor and justice, and avenge his parents’ death.

It’s a difficult time for musketeers, though, as the cowardly Cardinal Richelieu (Stephen Rea) has suspended them all so his cohort Febre can carry out his own particular style of sword-based justice throughout France.

D’Artagnan gets in good with three real musketeers, a hot teen-age girl (Mena Suvari), and the Queen (Catherine Deneuve). Together, they plan ... er, something. Despite being a really simple story, the movie manages to make it complicated. It involves thwarting, I know that.

Justin Chambers pretty much e-mails in his performance. His delivery is flat and uncharismatic, his screen presence is nil. His interaction with Mena Suvari is restricted to arch dialogue and flirting.

The film takes itself too seriously, which means it has the opposite reaction to itself that audiences will have to it. The lone exception is Tim Roth, who has fun with his sniveling villain role and seems to know how ridiculous his surroundings are.

Altogether, the thing comes off more like an action-movie parody on “The Simpsons” than an actual action movie. It follows all the patterns, cliches and expectations as if copying them from a template.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=5513&reviewer=247
originally posted: 09/06/01 13:33:22
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User Comments

10/25/09 art MENA repeat's her bathtub scene from AMERICAN BEAUTY. a 1 stars
9/30/08 Jovany Walker 2 stars
9/28/08 Donavan Blaine 3 stars
9/12/08 Waylon Keagan 4 stars
5/07/06 chienne Oh, wot total tosh!!! Great sets & costumes - Tim Roth: wot were u thinking? And on?? 2 stars
10/10/05 Quigley I don't know why everyone slams this film. the action was fake but stunning sometimes. 4 stars
8/18/05 ES Garbage! 1 stars
7/18/05 DM Laughably bad. (See Richard Lester's Musketeer films for Dumas done right.) 1 stars
3/14/05 Jeff Anderson Bad & muddy cinematography, an awful script & a poor cast KILL THIS! PETER HYAMS' WORST!!!! 1 stars
7/22/03 Jim Suffers from a credibility gap you could drive a carriage through. 2 stars
6/25/02 Simeon Briggs I really love swashbucklers, and there was much buckling of swash, sorry, i loved it 4 stars
6/20/02 Bart Loved the trailer. Abhored the film. 1 stars
4/03/02 Edfink Lombardo Poor lighting ruins what could have been good action sequences...a deplorable film 1 stars
3/28/02 Hennec "The Three Musketeers" was much better. I didn't feel satisfied when the movie is over. 3 stars
12/03/01 Andrew Carden Makes No Sense, Why Did They Make This???? 1 stars
11/20/01 Senor Pescolido I actually really wanted to see this based on the trailer. Will never trust a trailer again 1 stars
10/08/01 bob joe 5 stars
10/08/01 ajay I walked out after 20 minutes, so I might've missed the "good" part. 1 stars
10/08/01 Destruction Worker Stupid story, badly lit, poorly acted, good fight scenes 2 stars
9/30/01 Suzz Nice costumes, nice cinematography, nicer fights. 3 stars
9/30/01 hilary Total Crap 1 stars
9/28/01 ujube Great fights, overdone music, bad plot, great fights 3 stars
9/25/01 The Boy In The Designer Bubble I kept waiting for that kick ass asian chick to show up in this movie! 2 stars
9/21/01 malcolm pretty unremarkable 3 stars
9/16/01 Thor-Leo Got dragged to this against my will ... it was far, far worse than I expected. 1 stars
9/11/01 cinkcool I want an actual Musketeer movie, not where the musketeers are in trouble or some crap! 2 stars
9/10/01 Ashley Morrison I slept through an action movie...enough said 1 stars
9/10/01 JohnQ This one is really *really* bad. As bad as "Enemy at the Gates" if not worse. 1 stars
9/09/01 Bob i don't think i've ever a good Dumas film treatment 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  07-Sep-2001 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  07-Mar-2002




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