"Where's the soul? Where's the heart? Where's the tits?"
Because I'm sure they thought we wouldn't mind the lack of nudity.Call me shallow if you must, but if we're going to see a movie that's OBVIOUSLY patterned off the skin flicks of the 80's, isn't it necessary to show some skin? Were they under the impression that we wanted a lame Casablanca rip-off with some scattered snowboarding footage?
"No!", we said. "Take your bazooms away! Give us more scenes with Jason London!"
There's a mean guy and he wants to shut down the ski hill and bring in his snooty rich friends. The good guys fight back. There. There's your plot summary.
Jean-Luc Godard once said that the best way to criticize a movie is by making a movie yourself. Unfortunately for the makers of "Out Cold", they made this movie 20 years ago. It's called "H.O.T.S". It featured ample nudity, crazy pranks, and Danny Bonaduce. It's everything this movie wanted to be, but wasn't brave enough to try.
I'm going to get serious here for a bit now. Hold on. I'll talk some more about "H.O.T.S." in a few minutes.
This is a stupid genre to begin with. It really died out in the early 80's, and isn't exactly remembered fondly. I don't know what the makers of "Out Cold" were attempting here, making a PG version of all those old movies that really existed solely to show Playboy Playmates trying to act, while showing their true talents to satisfy the people who were attending. They made their real money on video, where the horny teenagers could pause the movie at the good parts. They existed for one sole reason, and this movie ignores that reason.
Those old movies knew what they were, and they existed within their confines. They didn't try to be something they weren't. This movie wants to be like them, but doesn't have the courage behind its convictions. It's like a hooker who'll only let you get to second base.
And there aren't really any good pranks, for God's sake. Even the lowest dregs of the skin flick genre had at least one scene where the snooty folks are humiliated and/or depantsed. This has nothing. A couple pranks on the drunken guy who passes out, and they're both in the commercials.
Depressing. Just depressing.
P.S. Rent "H.O.T.S.". The topless football game alone is better than this movie. It's also better than "American Beauty", but I took that review down already.I'm impressed I was able to make a Jean-Luc Godard reference in a review for "Out Cold".