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Crossroads (2002)
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by Jason Whyte

"Where does one begin with a film like this?"
1 stars

There are certain bad films that one will simply forget as soon as they get home, perhaps even before they leave the theater doors. Then there are certain bad films that you'll love to hate, that you wish your local university will get midnight shows of, and even purchase the DVD and play drinking games with your friends. In a sense, for all the good movies we all watch, we require bad films in a way. And then there are films like "Crossroads," which is a film I will only watch again if forced by terrorists, required to watch in order to live, or if I took a girlfriend to see this and was immediately guaranteed afterwards I would get laid.

The months of January and February are a dumping ground for studios to release their wasted films, in a vain attempt to make a little money. And yet, the early 2002 release of "Crossroads" struck a wee bit of notiriety due to the fact this is the acting debut of Britney Spears. Spears, who is a hot commodity because her breasts are still firm, is everywhere. Around the release of this film, a new album streeted (is that a coincidence or what?), she appeared on thousands of magazine covers and even a few tabloids. She's a terrific role model, showing that it's okay for young teenagers to dress like whores to make it somewhere in life.

I don't want to turn this review into a tirade about my distaste of Spears and the effect she has done to the fading music industry, but after she comes into my filmgoing territory with the monstrosity of this movie, can you blame me? There's no reason any other actress could do this role, and certainly would fare better than this material girl wannabe. So, let's talk about the melodramatic disaster.

The film opens on three friends who bury a box in what appears to be a public park, and promise to be friends forever and return to obtain it on graduation day. The box is only buried a few feet and covered up poorly, and I'm sure a dog won't come digging it up or a curious park employee will uncover it. Uh-huh. Cut to graduation day, where the three friends are not talking to one another. There's Lucy (Spears), the high school Valedictorian who spends her free time dancing in her panties to Madonna and dating her chemistery partner (Justin Long from "Jeepers Creepers" fame!). There's Mimi (Taryn Manning from "Crazy/Beautiful"), who, although she doesn't wish to be called trailer park trash, or "Barefoot and pregnant," she is, and is an outcast at school. And there's Kit (Zoe Saldana from "Center Stage"), who appears to be just one of those bitchy, popular girls who used to be fat as a child.

And yet, they all return to the buried box, which to my surprise the dog did not find, and the park employee did not uncover. Suddenly, they're friends again. And, of course, all three girls have major problems to solve east of Georgia. Lucy wants to find her mother in Arizona. Mimi wants to become a country singer in Los Angeles. And Kit wants to find out why her supposed fiancee is not returning her phone calls. So why not just get in a car with a "friend" of Mimi's (Anson Mount) and Go East, Young Women? Oh, and there's no real money involved and the gas tank very rarely goes empty. Did I also mention the male driver is a rumored ex-convicted murderer?

All of these "problems" are solved within the last 15 minutes of the film, which means we are still saddled with the long, unending road trip which gets us to hell just a little too late before I called it that. Director Tamra Davis, like so many "girl pics" before her, seem to have a sudden distaste in men, showing them as clueless and irresponsible. Even Lucy's father (Dan Akyroyd) shows up whenever the script needs him, from browbeating Lucy into attending college to become a doctor, or simply showing up in L.A. at the end and throwing such laughable lines as "Do you have any idea how much the plane fare and cab ride cost?" Although, she does give us a cameo with Kim Cattrall as Lucy's mother in Arizona, but it cuts away just as Lucy has the news broken to her, as if Davis is afraid to actually watch a bad actor perform against a good one.

Would it have been too much to ask Mimi's aspirations as a singer be transferred to Lucy? It's already goofy enough that Mimi has a connection from her child to Kit's lover, that gets revealed in one of the most laughable shots in the film, which gets hit by an even funnier one as she falls down the stairs to have an obligatory miscarriage. It's bad enough she can't sing. At all.

I clocked, on my watch, how long it takes Spears to be revealed in her underwear from the start of the film. Three minutes. Ten minutes later, she takes off her robe to show an even more revealing bra. A few scenes later, she's bending over to pick something up, and the camera lingers on her cleavage. There's scattered bra shots, tight tank tops and even a swimsuit shot that proves once and for all she did not get implants. Yet, does Spears really expect us to take her seriously? I couldn't stop noticing, besides the lingering shots of her cleavage and her sudden ability to warble out ballads, that she was wearing all the makeup of the cast.

At the end of this very long and arduous film, after all the problems have been wrapped up with a neat little bow, Britney sings, and we get a soundtrack promotion. Rather, as lucy, she steps up to the auditioing plate and sings the latest song to Spears' new album, "I'm Not a Girl." All the people in the scene, the judging panel and the onlookers, start clapping their hands and waving their arms around. I was seriously shocked I wasn't handed the soundtrack on my way out the door.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=5756&reviewer=350
originally posted: 06/30/04 02:32:22
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User Comments

12/09/14 dr.lao "I'm not a girl, I'm not yet a woman" and you're no actress either 1 stars
6/03/08 IRIDIAN i loved it iv watched it like 10000000 times 5 stars
2/17/08 Tiffany Losco I liked this movie. It came out when I was a teenager. 4 stars
2/28/07 Beau not a masterpiece! but not sheer dumb either!!!! altho it was really a dumb movie 2 stars
2/22/07 David Pollastrini Britney was hot before she went Psycho! 1 stars
5/25/06 jon burton i loved the movie. It taught many very useful things. 5 stars
4/21/06 shalom mm the film is so good and so i love it only if i could see britney spears face to face 4 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman I was forced too watch ( my Girl friend ) I dumped her right after the movie. 1 stars
9/26/05 Anthony G I was so bored I had to whip out my dick to be entertained. 1 stars
9/17/05 tony Britney spears should fucking get murdered with a knife for this shit! 1 stars
8/30/05 ES Man and car full of girls, man turns on good music, girls whine, until bad music turned on 1 stars
8/06/05 Duffyboy666 Poor An acting debut really deserves better. 2 stars
7/20/05 Chris Even my mom hated it... 1 stars
6/14/05 Daveman Shit on a stick 1 stars
5/23/05 Dr. Lecter I wish bubonic plague on Spears 1 stars
5/08/05 melissa pathetic 1 stars
3/15/05 Chris Stephens Words can't describe how bad this is 1 stars
3/12/05 Charlene Javier Fell asleep immediately. 1 stars
3/08/05 pepperann224 movie is a waste of time. 1 stars
12/04/04 Kristina Williams Spears in her pink pnties can't even save this 1 stars
11/22/04 Natasha It was okay but Britney could have done a little better. 4 stars
7/23/04 Sandy Turynowicz not that good 3 stars
7/20/04 April Gupton I'd rather get a root canal than see this again 1 stars
7/18/04 lucas excellent 5 stars
7/13/04 Daveman Fairly well crafted considering the banal, cliched material. 2 stars
6/05/04 valerie hart she must of been desperate dnt give up ur day job it had nothing to it not worth a look 1 stars
5/07/04 Britney Spears into pruning hooks Britney's a better actor than singer but shouldn't get carried away quite yet. 4 stars
4/13/04 John Aster Habig She can't write songs, sing songs, play songs, dance or act she's a 5x threat 1 stars
1/24/04 Elena how are films like THIS made when there are real intelligent aspiring filmmakers out there? 1 stars
11/21/03 Amanda Too terrible for words 1 stars
11/12/03 Kitty B. get a like, jamie lynn!!! ur sister sucks and ure gonna hav 2 live with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/30/03 Kitty Kelso i feel SOOOOO sorry 4 dan aykroyd. couldnt they've given a legend like him a bettr role??! 1 stars
7/15/03 your worst goddamn nightmare haha, i saw this with some buddies, the theatre was empty, c'ept for some ol' dude jackin' 2 stars
6/23/03 John Aster Habig The fact that Britney is bigger than Neil Young and Dustin Hoffman is simply blasphemous 1 stars
5/21/03 fartzrgood this movie kept me in stitches...or was that "On the Line"? 1 stars
5/03/03 Collin Britany Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away And Dont Make Any More Movies 1 stars
4/01/03 Jenna Furr Better that its year's best pic winner, SHITCAGO (but almost all 2002 flicks are). 4 stars
2/21/03 The Bint JESUS id rather cut off my head with a chainsaw and shove it up my ass than watch this shit 1 stars
1/10/03 Can't stand Britney Give this twit some Clearasil and send her on her way 1 stars
12/29/02 JhAtrai sux like britney on a record exec 1 stars
8/31/02 Phoenix I couldn't help but jerk-off looking at Britney in her underwear. I want to suck her tities 4 stars
8/03/02 KMG I WANT TO MOUNT ANSON! 3 stars
7/19/02 ! Britney acting.... I know enough 2 stars
7/10/02 .Choadushouse. THis movie wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. Plus the scantily Britney parts made good! 4 stars
5/26/02 I'm in (L) with a Jedi wats with the poem, im not a girl, not yet a woman? jesus, even britney could ave done bett 1 stars
5/21/02 Film Person I'm DEFINITELY not a Britney fan, but she did a good job in the movie. 4 stars
5/14/02 Stud CHICK FLIK!! 5 stars
4/29/02 Jack Off No stripping or raping? Damn, hows the underwear shots though? 4 stars
4/17/02 Claxner Oxjaw Whatyouknow? Some singers CAN act. Pleasant surprise from Britney! 4 stars
3/31/02 Nikki I'm not Britney's biggest fan, but this was a great movie. 5 stars
3/24/02 Jimmy Very Bad Movie 1 stars
3/13/02 john say hello to the razzies brit!joins matrix as a double header for bad movies 1 stars
3/01/02 Ong Yu Jian I think she should stick to singing & swinging her tits onstage. 1 stars
2/26/02 JJ Someone, please shoot that pop-tramp. YUCK! 1 stars
2/26/02 Whitney Absolute Crap 1 stars
2/23/02 Julie Even more dissapointing than I ever thought possible 1 stars
2/21/02 Cheryl YUCK! 1 stars
2/20/02 RKM Even my 13 yr old niece thought it went nowhere 1 stars
2/19/02 Chris K. Britney might look good, but her acting and singing are terrible. 1 stars
2/19/02 siro At certain points, I found myself wondering if the whole thing was just a sick joke.I wish. 1 stars
2/19/02 Jake a stupid vehicle. 1 stars
2/19/02 spankachu who told britany it would be a good idea to act? 1 stars
2/19/02 AK47 This is the second terrorist attack! 1 stars
2/19/02 Judith Latham Spyguy2 and Meryl K are ON THE MONEY!!! Their remarks had had me on the floor laughing!!!! 1 stars
2/18/02 KCobain Rampage pretty much sums it up for me. 1 stars
2/18/02 Rampage F**k you, Britney, and your stupid movie too. You suck! 1 stars
2/18/02 Daniela Francescone She was actually good! 5 stars
2/17/02 krista very good, I liked it and I'm not a britney fan 5 stars
2/17/02 Britney Fartknocker My 12 year old cousins hated this movie worse than me!! 1 stars
2/16/02 Spyguy2 B.S. is everything that's wrong with our culture. A lip-synching soulless corporate entity 1 stars
2/16/02 Bri ok movie-looked hot in underwear 4 stars
2/16/02 Meryl K. I want to drag that tramp out into the street and shoot her for forcing this upon us. 1 stars
2/16/02 Mel What else would u expect a britney movie to be? It's one huge slutty pepsi commercial 1 stars
2/15/02 kasey It has britany spears.I would rather be tided and forced towatch peal harbor 1 stars
2/15/02 White Rabbit I would rather set myself on fire than see this movie 1 stars
2/15/02 shelley smith Frighteningly bad, not even my neices wanted to see it. 1 stars
2/15/02 Todd Whoever Ok'd this movie should be tied down and beaten with a rubber hose. 1 stars
2/15/02 Joe Deblow Britney Spears like totally sucks and I hope she like gets hit by a bus 1 stars
2/14/02 jack This is like 2 hours of MTV. Wretched. 1 stars
2/11/02 Cyrus Britney Spears can't act so she plays the role of Britney Spears 1 stars
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  15-Feb-2002 (PG-13)



Directed by
  Tamra Davis

Written by
  Shonda Rhimes

  Britney Spears
  Taryn Manning
  Dan Aykroyd
  Kim Cattrall
  Justin Long
  Anson Mount

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