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Overall Rating
1.79

Awesome: 6.25%
Worth A Look: 9.82%
Just Average: 7.14%
Pretty Crappy: 9.82%
Sucks66.96%

5 reviews, 82 user ratings



Crossroads (2002)
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by Laura Kyle

"It’s better than Glitter."
1 stars

Lucy, Kit, Mimi, and Ben. Those aren’t names from a Barbie doll set – those are the names of the four main characters of Crossroads. If a writer is already fumbling with the names of his or her characters, then it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the actual lines these characters will say and events they will experience propose an impossible challenge for said writer. So, the script shoots the movie straight in the foot. What do you do? Put BRITNEY SPEARS in the starring role.

Mrs. Federline is, if I can decipher her “acting,” a levelheaded young adult, just fresh of graduation. She’s the valedictorian of her class, but quickly discovers that none of her hard work has really paid off – she’s sad, because her dad (Dan Akroyd, who I swear must be on the winning end of a bet to see if he could appear in at least 2 bad movies a year) pushed her too hard and made her sacrifice her social life for good grades. Poor Lucy.

So, on a whim, she decides to go on a road trip, because you see, road trips are what you do to find yourself and stuff, blah blah blah. Or in the case of Crossroads, they are a great excuse to sing songs together in the car. I think that happens at least three hundred times; hey, you can't make a Britney Spears movie without tagging a horrid soundtrack to it, and SOMETHING had to happen to make this thing a full-length motion picture.

Anyways, her real goal is to hunt down the mother who abandoned her when she was just three years old. Yeah, Crossroads certainly is dealing with some heavy subject matter here. Groundbreaking stuff. Did I mention that on the way to track down the mother she hasn’t seen in over a decade, she sings to the radio with her friends a lot?

Well, the plan is for her to be dropped off in Arizona and spontaneously reunite with her deadbeat mom, and then for her two girlfriends to continue on to California. Kit wants to meet with her fiancé in LA and Mimi, though pregnant, wants to audition for some kind of music thing. Oh, and also, there’s a brooding guy named Ben who chaperones them – he has a job waiting for him in California. He’s there to deflower Lucy basically.

All of these characters are from Georgia. And all, but Lucy, have some reason or circumstance that compels them to go to California.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, these people were all friends to begin with – certainly you wouldn’t go on a road trip with people you don’t like. Well, no. Lucy, Kit, and Mimi were best friends as little girls, but for no apparent reason, they all became hostile strangers in high school. But, because they somehow all have some weird itch to travel, they go on this road trip together.

Right from the beginning, they are strapped for cash, and of course, there happens to be a karaoke contest nearby. So, Kit, Mimi, and Lucy sign up and promptly dress like sluts. During their singing performance, soloist Mimi freezes up on stage and Lucy must take over. Suddenly: she’s hot and sexy! Singing “I Love Rock and Roll”! She’s FOUND HERSELF! She was just hiding under things like clothes – brilliant character development here.

So, basically, the girls start to realize, hey, they like each other! I’m not sure why it took them so long to figure this out, because there is never an explanation given as to why they hated each other in the first place. Zoe Saldana, as the snobby Kit, just makes exaggerated body movements and lots of dirty looks in an attempt to come off as well, “snobby” – I mean that’s stuff you can only learn in Advanced Acting Class right there.

But frankly, every cast member in this thing is looking darn good next to Britney Spears. And the fact that Spears pulled off a pretty decent sobbing scene in the last third of the movie, doesn’t support her cause, it just takes credit away from everyone who’s ever cried on cue, in the history of cinema. Because if Britney Spears can do it, ANYONE can.

Now, I know Spears must stay in character and be believable as a Southern girl, but it’d be nice if she had the decency to pronounce words correctly for at least a quarter of the sentences she supposedly REHEARSED. I can’t imagine how she talks at the dinner table. Her performance here is lazy and unnatural – if your mother could take out a movie, rather than baby photos, to embarrass you in front of all your friends… well, this would be that movie for Britney.

The lyrics to Britney’s real-life hit “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” (based on the film) initially serve as a poem written by Lucy, and let’s just say, it can’t compare to: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Who pays money to see this poo?”

And where were these supposed “crossroads”? Not a single decision made by the characters makes any sense or instills any kind of redeeming message into the brains of the little kiddies watching. Lucy loses her virginity to a guy she JUST met, and chooses to follow a newly dreamt up plan to become a singer, over going to college… looks like she misinterpreted that Robert Frost poem.

Crossroads, my ass… maybe if you took the DVD of the movie and threw it out into an intersection to be flattened by oncoming traffic, would it live up to its title.

But who am I kidding? There’s no way anyone involved in this thing actually read the screenplay before green lighting it, or perhaps they got too caught up in the i’s dotted with hearts to care about the script’s – excuse me while I laugh out loud in mid sentence – substance.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=5756&reviewer=369
originally posted: 03/07/05 22:36:06
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User Comments

12/09/14 dr.lao "I'm not a girl, I'm not yet a woman" and you're no actress either 1 stars
6/03/08 IRIDIAN i loved it iv watched it like 10000000 times 5 stars
2/17/08 Tiffany Losco I liked this movie. It came out when I was a teenager. 4 stars
2/28/07 Beau not a masterpiece! but not sheer dumb either!!!! altho it was really a dumb movie 2 stars
2/22/07 David Pollastrini Britney was hot before she went Psycho! 1 stars
5/25/06 jon burton i loved the movie. It taught many very useful things. 5 stars
4/21/06 shalom mm the film is so good and so i love it only if i could see britney spears face to face 4 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman I was forced too watch ( my Girl friend ) I dumped her right after the movie. 1 stars
9/26/05 Anthony G I was so bored I had to whip out my dick to be entertained. 1 stars
9/17/05 tony Britney spears should fucking get murdered with a knife for this shit! 1 stars
8/30/05 ES Man and car full of girls, man turns on good music, girls whine, until bad music turned on 1 stars
8/06/05 Duffyboy666 Poor An acting debut really deserves better. 2 stars
7/20/05 Chris Even my mom hated it... 1 stars
6/14/05 Daveman Shit on a stick 1 stars
5/23/05 Dr. Lecter I wish bubonic plague on Spears 1 stars
5/08/05 melissa pathetic 1 stars
3/15/05 Chris Stephens Words can't describe how bad this is 1 stars
3/12/05 Charlene Javier Fell asleep immediately. 1 stars
3/08/05 pepperann224 movie is a waste of time. 1 stars
12/04/04 Kristina Williams Spears in her pink pnties can't even save this 1 stars
11/22/04 Natasha It was okay but Britney could have done a little better. 4 stars
7/23/04 Sandy Turynowicz not that good 3 stars
7/20/04 April Gupton I'd rather get a root canal than see this again 1 stars
7/18/04 lucas excellent 5 stars
7/13/04 Daveman Fairly well crafted considering the banal, cliched material. 2 stars
6/05/04 valerie hart she must of been desperate dnt give up ur day job it had nothing to it not worth a look 1 stars
5/07/04 Britney Spears into pruning hooks Britney's a better actor than singer but shouldn't get carried away quite yet. 4 stars
4/13/04 John Aster Habig She can't write songs, sing songs, play songs, dance or act she's a 5x threat 1 stars
1/24/04 Elena how are films like THIS made when there are real intelligent aspiring filmmakers out there? 1 stars
11/21/03 Amanda Too terrible for words 1 stars
11/12/03 Kitty B. get a like, jamie lynn!!! ur sister sucks and ure gonna hav 2 live with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/30/03 Kitty Kelso i feel SOOOOO sorry 4 dan aykroyd. couldnt they've given a legend like him a bettr role??! 1 stars
7/15/03 your worst goddamn nightmare haha, i saw this with some buddies, the theatre was empty, c'ept for some ol' dude jackin' 2 stars
6/23/03 John Aster Habig The fact that Britney is bigger than Neil Young and Dustin Hoffman is simply blasphemous 1 stars
5/21/03 fartzrgood this movie kept me in stitches...or was that "On the Line"? 1 stars
5/03/03 Collin Britany Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away And Dont Make Any More Movies 1 stars
4/01/03 Jenna Furr Better that its year's best pic winner, SHITCAGO (but almost all 2002 flicks are). 4 stars
2/21/03 The Bint JESUS id rather cut off my head with a chainsaw and shove it up my ass than watch this shit 1 stars
1/10/03 Can't stand Britney Give this twit some Clearasil and send her on her way 1 stars
12/29/02 JhAtrai sux like britney on a record exec 1 stars
8/31/02 Phoenix I couldn't help but jerk-off looking at Britney in her underwear. I want to suck her tities 4 stars
8/03/02 KMG I WANT TO MOUNT ANSON! 3 stars
7/19/02 ! Britney acting.... I know enough 2 stars
7/10/02 .Choadushouse. THis movie wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. Plus the scantily Britney parts made good! 4 stars
5/26/02 I'm in (L) with a Jedi wats with the poem, im not a girl, not yet a woman? jesus, even britney could ave done bett 1 stars
5/21/02 Film Person I'm DEFINITELY not a Britney fan, but she did a good job in the movie. 4 stars
5/14/02 Stud CHICK FLIK!! 5 stars
4/29/02 Jack Off No stripping or raping? Damn, hows the underwear shots though? 4 stars
4/21/02 Film Dude FUCK YOU ANDREW, I'M NOT SEEING GLITTER OR ON THE LINE!!!! 1 stars
4/17/02 Claxner Oxjaw Whatyouknow? Some singers CAN act. Pleasant surprise from Britney! 4 stars
3/31/02 Nikki I'm not Britney's biggest fan, but this was a great movie. 5 stars
3/24/02 Jimmy Very Bad Movie 1 stars
3/13/02 john say hello to the razzies brit!joins matrix as a double header for bad movies 1 stars
3/07/02 STEVE FIRST THERE WAS CROUCHING TIGER, THEN THERE WAS PEARL HARBOR,NOW COMES CROSSROADS BIG WHUP 1 stars
3/01/02 Ong Yu Jian I think she should stick to singing & swinging her tits onstage. 1 stars
2/26/02 JJ Someone, please shoot that pop-tramp. YUCK! 1 stars
2/26/02 Whitney Absolute Crap 1 stars
2/23/02 Julie Even more dissapointing than I ever thought possible 1 stars
2/21/02 Cheryl YUCK! 1 stars
2/20/02 RKM Even my 13 yr old niece thought it went nowhere 1 stars
2/19/02 Chris K. Britney might look good, but her acting and singing are terrible. 1 stars
2/19/02 siro At certain points, I found myself wondering if the whole thing was just a sick joke.I wish. 1 stars
2/19/02 Jake a stupid vehicle. 1 stars
2/19/02 spankachu who told britany it would be a good idea to act? 1 stars
2/19/02 AK47 This is the second terrorist attack! 1 stars
2/19/02 Judith Latham Spyguy2 and Meryl K are ON THE MONEY!!! Their remarks had had me on the floor laughing!!!! 1 stars
2/18/02 KCobain Rampage pretty much sums it up for me. 1 stars
2/18/02 Rampage F**k you, Britney, and your stupid movie too. You suck! 1 stars
2/18/02 Daniela Francescone She was actually good! 5 stars
2/17/02 krista very good, I liked it and I'm not a britney fan 5 stars
2/17/02 Britney Fartknocker My 12 year old cousins hated this movie worse than me!! 1 stars
2/16/02 Spyguy2 B.S. is everything that's wrong with our culture. A lip-synching soulless corporate entity 1 stars
2/16/02 Bri ok movie-looked hot in underwear 4 stars
2/16/02 Meryl K. I want to drag that tramp out into the street and shoot her for forcing this upon us. 1 stars
2/16/02 Mel What else would u expect a britney movie to be? It's one huge slutty pepsi commercial 1 stars
2/15/02 kasey It has britany spears.I would rather be tided and forced towatch peal harbor 1 stars
2/15/02 White Rabbit I would rather set myself on fire than see this movie 1 stars
2/15/02 shelley smith Frighteningly bad, not even my neices wanted to see it. 1 stars
2/15/02 Todd Whoever Ok'd this movie should be tied down and beaten with a rubber hose. 1 stars
2/15/02 Joe Deblow Britney Spears like totally sucks and I hope she like gets hit by a bus 1 stars
2/14/02 jack This is like 2 hours of MTV. Wretched. 1 stars
2/11/02 Cyrus Britney Spears can't act so she plays the role of Britney Spears 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  15-Feb-2002 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  18-Apr-2002


Directed by
  Tamra Davis

Written by
  Shonda Rhimes

Cast
  Britney Spears
  Taryn Manning
  Dan Aykroyd
  Kim Cattrall
  Justin Long
  Anson Mount



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