If you would’ve told me that Star Wars, one of the most respected franchises in film history would’ve sunk as low as it did with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, I may have not believed you and even hit you in the face for blasphemy. Ok, I wouldn’t go that far, but no, I wouldn’t believe it. 3 years after the utter monstrosity that was The Phantom Menace, I was still livid with the fact that Lucas had betrayed and anally raped his own creation and his own fans that I wasn’t even looking forward to the second movie. Once again the hype just ravaged everywhere those days. Opening night came and everyone just flocked like sheep into the theaters to see Episode 2: Attack of the Clones in pretty much the same way they did with Episode 1. I for one was not interested and rather concentrated my sights on Lord of the Rings. I never saw it at the theater, as the days passed, I heard lots of mixed reviews and once again, more box office records, but as the film started dropping out the box office, I started hearing more and more bad things about it. I’ve heard this tune before, but I was battling myself inside of me since I wondered if Lucas had finally learned his lesson, that he finally made an actually good film, or he just continued his shitty trend and made another crap movie, as crappy as Phantom Menace. I decided no longer to take guesses and rented it a week ago, along with 4 other films, and sat down with my dad and watch the thing. Once again, I am to be ripped off, though not as badly as TPM, but enough to actually hate this film on its own right. By the time the film ended, I wondered if I’m ever going to bother in actually seeing Episode 3. I don’t think so, and if I do, unless something miraculous happens, it will only be just to poke fun at it.So, here we go again. This time, Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) is now Senator Amidala, since she was an elected Queen before. Yeah I know what you’ll say: “huh?” I guess in Phantom Menace it would’ve sounded pretty ridiculous to call her “President Amidala” so Lucas decided to use the term Queen rather than President. Ever heard of a Queen who is elected? It’s a confusing and ridiculous plot component, but pretend it makes sense and move on. So, she’s arriving at Planet Coruscant in her big-ass chrome spaceship, which sounds more like a four-propeller airplane rather than a spaceship (some giggles abound), but immediately after landing, there’s an assassination attempt as the spaceship blows up into a thousand pieces (the only exciting part in the movie). Obviously, Amidala is not in the ship. Why would anyone want to kill her? I know why: Maybe because they want to prevent Annakin Skywalker from fucking her so she can’t ever get pregnant and give birth to the savior of the Galaxy, Luke Skywalker. Actually, it is to prevent her deciding vote from the Senate, but for what? What difference will it make in the end? Isn’t it annoying that the movie absolutely trashes its own subplots? A completely pointless cliché, but pretend it makes sense and move on. Predictably so, Jedis Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his new apprentice Annakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are assigned to protect her. I’m always wondering why Skywalker’s name isn’t like the other Jedi names? Maybe because it could probably sound ridiculous I guess. Hell, imagine him being called Ann-Akin Skywalker. Sounds girlish, doesn’t it? Well, with that Justin Timberlake-like face, it may just fit him pretty well. Anyways, they assign her, and soon we start realizing what a big fucking whiner Annakin is, until Amidala is attempted once again. They chase the wannabe assassin throughout the streets of the city in a slow, unexciting, uninteresting, and laughable chase. They soon get their man, and soon, the investigation is well underway. President Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) decides to assign rookie Skywalker the task of protecting Senator Amidala, as Kenobi goes and tries to find out who is trying to off the Senator. His investigation leads him to a “secret” water planet called Kamino, where he finds out that a renegade Jedi, Count Dooku (what a dumb name, they should call this guy Count Dookie) is amassing a clone army to rebel against the Republic, and is using a Mandalorian bounty hunter called Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) to design the clones (another ridiculous name, its sounds more like the name from a fucking outlaw straight out of a Spaghetti Western movie). Jango himself has a boy clone, Boba (Daniel Logan), whom obviously you Star War junkies remember well from Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. So Kenobi heads down to trace Jango, and goes right into Planet Geonosis, a Trade Federation wasteland, and is captured. There the Dookie tells him about his masterplan. Meanwhile, Amidala and Annakin go back to Nebu where they fall in a forbidden romance (A Jedi is not allowed to love, he’s not allowed to fuck either, I guess), and where Annakin starts feeling the Dark Side of the Force creeping up on him. He soon feels his mom calling him and decides to return to Tatooine and rescue his mom, but tragedy is inevitable and soon, the Dark Side is growing even more on him.
"Not as bad as I hoped but still bad enough"
Now here’s another really lame script and direction by George Lucas. In the first film, he ripped off his audience by presenting you a watered-down kiddie flick. Now in the second film, he rips off his audience once more by giving you a teen flick. Lucas once again injects plenty of glitz and FX that it overwhelms the entire movie. Sure, they look cool, but man, with so much FX all over the movie, it just feels appalling, dire, empty, and when it comes in contact with the living world, it just simply looks fake. Lucas is so obsessed with technology that he completely forgets about the story. It’s all style and no substance. There’s ZERO, absolutely ZIP, ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING resembling any character development, and this is something that’s been going on since Episode 1. We still have no idea of who our main characters are, and therefore they are flat, uninteresting and uninvolving. The action scenes are lame, starting with that stupid, ridiculous “car” chase in Coruscant. Gravity is repeatedly ignored here. Just take a look at Annakin as he jumps from his “car” into the void, avoiding EVERY SINGLE freaking “car” in his path and actually landing perfectly and without a scratch into the wannabe assassin’s ship. Man, that was quite an exciting ride; it’s also the worst pile of shit I’ve seen in a long while, not to mention it’s a 5th ELEMENT RIP-OFF!!! The scene where Kenobi fights with Jango, along with the scenes of Annakin and Amidala in the battledroid factory is just the stuff for cinematic diatribe, especially the last one, where I was giggling a lot often than not. You have Kenobi and Yoda being a pair of complete dunderheads when they don’t realize the obvious about Planet Kamino not appearing in the Galaxy archives... That is until a kid actually tells them it was deleted from the system (DUH!). You have R2-D2 and C-3PO relegated into lesser, foolish roles (Imagine, R2-D2 FLYING??!!). You have JAR JAR FUCKING BINKS appearing once again but this time in a “civilized” way which, compared to his past in TPM, just makes him look even lamer. You have Kenobi actually having a fear for flying (HUH??!!). You also have several political ramblings being spouted out whenever the film shifts to the Senate scenes, and since there’s nothing going for them in the movie, it just makes for some really pretentious moments. But nothing compares to the excruciating pain of the three “important scenes” in the film.
1. The Annakin/Amidala love affair: absolutely pathetic. Lucas’s directing falls flat on its face here. The dialogue is lame, there’s no emotion, no nothing. Christensen and Portman have as much chemistry as wood and cement. Thanks to this, it just makes for endless, unending boredom, which is so bad you just want to either slit your wrists or pray that Lucas by accident overlooked in the editing floor a sex scene that could relieve the pain just a little bit. Yeah, please do that for us George, we’ll thank you so much for it. But since it’s a PG-13 movie, it’s not bound to happen.
2. Annakin’s descent into the Dark Side: Blah, let’s start off with Annakin’s nightmare scene, which was as laughable as many suggested here; the bad lighting, and wrong atmosphere gave more the impression that he was jacking off. But there’s also another element that undermines that particular scene and all the remaining scenes related to this plot element: To put it plainly, HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN CAN’T ACT WORTH A DAMN!!! At times he seems to be just overacting, which makes him look dumb, and other times, he’s just reciting his lines and not acting, which just makes him even dumber. But the big fucker happens in the scene where he goes and rescues his mom from the Sand People. Here’s a scene that required from an actor his deepest concentration on the depiction of his character’s emotion. We’re talking about the paternal bond between mother and son here, and the emotions that come about especially in times where the final hour comes. It is this type of emotions that the actor needs to pull out to make the scene effective. Not Hayden, all he does is just shed a tear and lower his voice and pretend that he’s crying. He’s a fucking block of wood during the entire scene, and when he comes out for his revenge against the Sand People, you can’t help but either sigh and nod in disappointment or laugh. Christensen is so bad in this film that all he does is make faces, shed a few tears and whine and moan like a dog whose been stepped on his tail or whipped in the ass, instead of actually acting. His constant whining and moaning just makes his character look so bad you’d wish Qui-Gon Jinn were alive to spank this fucker some manners into him. He’s absolutely despicable, but HEY, HE’S DARTH VADER FOR CHRIST SAKE!!! He’s supposed to be hated. Sure, but his character isn’t supposed to be laughable also.
3. The climatic battle sequence: Now this one is abominable. The battle sequence is completely uninspired. We have huge spherical ships blown to hell, troopers getting killed, robots being smashed, but there isn’t a single shred of emotion in the entire sequence. When Amidala falls of the ship, you tend to laugh rather than feel something for her (you’ll laugh even more when she wakes up). But then we arrive to this dock where the Dookie fights off the two Jedis and kicks their asses… and then Yoda arrives. Finally we’ll see some great action after an hour of boredom and 30 minutes of unintentional laughter and groaning. The highly anticipated moment in which Yoda shows off what he’s made off, with his light saber and try and kick the Dookie’s ass… And that happens to be the lamest, stupidest, most unintentionally hilarious crock of shit I’ve ever seen in my years of watching Star Wars. Yoda here starts to fly and scream and bounce all over the place, ricocheting like it was some fucking Powerpuff girl!!! The great Yoda, the one we actually loved and cherished for his wisdom and his uncanny appeal, all of a sudden transforms into this pathetic, cartoonish comedy spoof.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Eh? WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS? What’s with you these days? Did you actually forget how to write a damn script? You actually think you (and your whore Jonathan Hales) can overcome your (now-shocking) writing weaknesses by just filling the entire movie with FX? Lucas has become a clone of his own self, a box-office whore, relying now on style rather than substance and in essence betraying his audience even more with this formula. Now, with all this shit surrounding the film, one must ask, is there anything good going for this film. Surprisingly, yes. There are a couple of standouts, like the obvious FX scenes (whenever they aren’t too overwhelming) and most surprisingly, Ewan McGregor’s spot-on impression of Alec Guiness in the character that Guiness made famous. Good for him, since it’s a bit of an improvement from his stone-faced portrayal in Episode 1. The rest of the cast is just struggling: Natalie Portman drones around the film in a flat performance which can easily be the worst of her career. Christopher Guest is laughable, his gentleman-like attitude and tender voice is so out of place in several key moments it made me burst in giggles. Samuel L. Jackson is still here flashing his usual “bad-ass motherfucker” look and still making me wonder what in the hell is it that he’s doing in here.In the end, another lame film from George Lucas and another stain in the Star Wars franchise. I wonder for how long George Lucas will keep on ripping his audience and his fans off with this crap heap that he’s been releasing. Obviously this film is better than The Phantom Menace but that’s like comparing what pile of shit is less stinky since it crumbles in comparison to the first 3 films. The signs are evident: Episode 3 is Lucas’s make-or-break film. If Lucas has any sign of common sense or any respect for his fans, he’ll pull his head out of his ass and make a script, and ultimately a film that is worth watching and worthy of the franchise he created 26 years ago. To quote Guard Walton in Face/Off: “That’s 2 strikes for you George, one more and you know where you’re going.”
link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=5827&reviewer=235
originally posted: 07/19/03 18:47:55