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Overall Rating
2.3

Awesome: 12.86%
Worth A Look: 12.86%
Just Average: 17.14%
Pretty Crappy: 5.71%
Sucks51.43%

4 reviews, 46 user ratings


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Swimfan
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by Erik Childress

"This Movie Is Called SWIMFAN!!!"
1 stars

On September 6, 2002 a film opened in theaters across the country that was bound to test the limits of an audience’s patience. It was an obvious teenage ripoff of a well-known thriller from the 80s and it had a doozy of a title. The studio didn’t allow critics to see the film before opening day; the sure kiss-off of death that dares you to go witness its ineptitude. Five brave souls (Erik Childress, Collin Souter, James Laczkowski, Nick Digilio and Tom Malinowski) ventured into the Loews Cineplex 600 N. Michigan Theaters in Chicago, Illinois to tackle the most impossible mission since Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson and a pair of robots were submitted to countless tortures at the hands of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his mother. The following is a transcript of that evening’s event. This is their story.

ERIK: Is everyone ready for this?
JIM: I can’t believe we’re actually here.
NICK: And the movie is called SWIMFAN!!!
TOM: I can’t believe I couldn’t get anyone to come with me to see this thing.
COLLIN: You thought someone would willingly come with you to see Swimfan?
NICK: Someone actually named this movie SWIMFAN!!!
TOM: I try to get people to come see bad movies with me. I offer to buy their ticket, dinner, Sno Caps, whatever.
JIM: Otherwise you have to make sarcastic remarks to strangers.
TOM: Exactly.
COLLIN: That’s why we’re all here. And it’s starting.
(The film starts. The credits roll. The title comes up.)
NICK: SWIMFAN!!!
ERIK: I’m sensing a heavy water motif for this film.
COLLIN: The director must really want us to get up and go to the bathroom during it.
JIM: If you made this, you’d want people to leave too.
ERIK: I’m taking action right now.
TOM: On what?
NICK: On SWIMFAN!!!
TOM: That’s enough, Nick.
ERIK: We got a psycho teen thriller here. We’ve seen the circumstances before especially under the “PG-13” rating it comes with.
TOM: Meaning?
ERIK: Meaning that I’m betting that by the end of this film Erika Christensen will be in the nuthouse and she’ll form some fascination with a doctor or orderly or something.
NICK: Bullshit, you know she’s gonna drown.
ERIK: R-rated nutjobs get killed. The PG-13 ones go away.
COLLIN: I’ll actually make an amendment to that. The end of the movie will be Jesse Bradford hanging out all happy with his girlfriend and he’ll see Erika’s face in a crowd somewhere, but it’ll just be an illusion.
JIM: Ah, the Misery ending.
TOM: What other movie was Jesse in besides that funny cheerleading movie?
ERIK: King of the Hill
NICK: That’s right. He was in that.
JIM: Look at ol’ Jesse here. He’s a popular swimmer, he volunteers at mommy’s hospital and he’s dating that Roswell chick.
TOM: Shiri Appleby.
JIM: Why does she always make me hungry?
ERIK: Because she’s sweet and delicious.
COLLIN: Roswellfan.
TOM: You know, as a volunteer, Ben Cronin wouldn’t be giving the patients their meds.
NICK: Guys, there she is. There’s the SWIMFAN!!!
COLLIN: Where’d she come from? Did Jesse not see her in the hallway?
ERIK: Hey, plotpoint. He’s picking the locker. Remember that.
TOM: Why does she keep calling him by his full name? Hello, Ben Cronin. Nice to see you again, Ben Cronin. Ride me big, Ben Cronin.
ERIK: Does he always take his dates to the school pool to watch him swim?
NICK: Hey man, she’s a SWIMFAN!!!
JIM: Guys, guys. She’s in a bra. Does everyone in the audience see this? The drug-addicted chick from Traffic is in the pool with Ben Cronin, the Clockstopper. And she’s in her underwear!
COLLIN: I wonder how Steven Soderbergh feels about these two now?
NICK: Hey, I thought she said she couldn’t swim. How is she in the deep end of the pool?
ERIK: Maybe she’s using her breasts as a flotation device.
TOM: It’s metaphorical.
NICK: Plus, according to the press kit, the cinematographer is the one who shot The Deep End
JIM: Did she just ask him to tell her he loves her?
TOM: Chicks dig that stuff.
NICK: Especially psycho swimfans.
COLLIN: This is great crap. We should have done this with Attack of the Clones.
ERIK: What are you doing saying stuff like that?
COLLIN: I am trying to break your heart.
ERIK: Alright, I get it. You love the Wilco movie. Enough!
COLLIN: Just like you to bring up Jennifer Lopez at a time like this.
ERIK: I swear to God – I will hit a man with glasses.
NICK: OK, Eminem.
JIM: Now why didn’t we plan this field trip for J-Lo’s flick?
NICK: Because there’s nothing funny about how bad that film is.
TOM: Oh boy, here she goes. Madison Bell’s hangin’ with Ben Cronin’s Roswell lady, showing up at mommy’s and sending him nude photos through e-mail.
ERIK (singing): And she’s watching him with those eyes. And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it.
JIM: Nick, check out her screen name. Swimfan85.
COLLIN: Which means that Swimfan was actually taken. There’s another SWIMFAN!!!
NICK: That was actually the original title. Swimfan85. The studio thought it was too ridiculous. So they shortened it to the more appropriately sane-sounding Swimfan.
TOM: Oh God, I hope there are no rabbits in that house.
COLLIN: This movie should have been set during Easter.
ERIK (singing): Yeah ‘n’ he’s holding her in his arms, late at night. You know, I wish that I had Jesse's girl.
JIM: What in the hell is going on with these jump cuts?
NICK: Establish tension I guess. You see, she’s K-RAZY!!!
ERIK: It’s as if the actual film is trying to cut its way out of being shown in its entirety.
NICK: You know, the cinematography really isn’t that bad here.
COLLIN: Nick, it’s not a John Carpenter film. You don’t have to defend it.
ERIK: OK, HOLD the phone! How the hell did she get steroids into him?
TOM: She must have taken some herself and then substituted her urine for his.
COLLIN: Steroidfan.
JIM: Wouldn’t a medical exam pick something like that up?
ERIK: Especially if she’s pre-menstrual like she must be.
NICK: Did I miss something here? Did the Swimfan tell the Roswell economy restaurant girlfriend what’s going on?
COLLIN: And why does everyone in the school know?
TOM: People died at my high school Freshman year and I didn’t find out until Junior.
JIM: Were they watching Swimfan?
NICK: Point of order. Ben Cronin just broke into her house during a cello recital she’s giving for some old people.
ERIK: There’s always room for cello.
NICK: The hearing impaired cousin gives him some evidence and instead of busting out of there and driving away, he sits in front of her house to check it out.
COLLIN: And now he’s driving to New York with David Lynch from Twin Peaks and leaving his car there out front.
TOM: Here’s the boyfriend waiting for her. Oh, how sweet, he’s on life support.
JIM: He can’t live without her.
ERIK: So there was a car accident that she caused with the first boyfriend.
NICK: Not necessarily. Maybe its what made her nuts.
COLLIN: So she’s trying to recapture the feeling with Ben Cronin by sleeping with him, stalking him, almost killing his girlfriend and a hospital patient.
TOM: But she still loves Ben Cronin.
ERIK: Everybody…
EVERYBODY (singing): Why can’t I find a woman like that?
COLLIN: The director’s showing off again.
TOM: Someone actually directed this crap?
NICK: What is with this hospital speaker moving closer to the Swimfan?
ERIK: You just know there’s going to be a featurette on the DVD discussing at great length how they got that shot.
NICK: Who directed this again?
ERIK: Guy named John Polson. He’s an actor too. He was the Australian chopper pilot in Mission: Impossible 2.
NICK: He should have stuck with the pilot stuff.
COLLIN: He can’t direct a movie and you want him flying stuff?
JIM: I wouldn’t even want him directing a pilot.
ERIK: Christ, do you remember how annoying he was in MI2? He made me long for the days of Jacko selling Energizer batteries and runnin’ trucks with Sam J. Jones on NBC.
JIM: Will someone please call the overacting police on Ben Cronin. He’s going to bite her cheek off.
COLLIN: Don’t worry, the real cops are there.
ERIK: OK I’m sorry but there’s no way that a cop is going to ride in the backseat of a police car with an admitted murderer nor have the suspect handcuffed in the front.
TOM: Body count is rising here.
JIM: Amendment to the ending debate. She’s gonna get shot in the bathtub.
COLLIN: That would continue the water motif.
ERIK: Look out Ben Cronin. Trophy missing.
NICK: Ouch!
TOM: How classic. A showdown at the pool.
ERIK: I haven’t seen this much tension since D'Annunzio challenged Danny Noonan in Caddyshack.
COLLIN: Poor Shiri Appleby doesn’t even get the satisfaction of throwing a punch or slapping the Swimfan. She just has to sit there and take it.
JIM: Hey, if WE do then so does SHE!
ERIK: Wait, that’s it? That’s the ending?
TOM: Looks like one of you guys got it right.
COLLIN: This closing song doesn’t really fit the movie. Any ideas?
JIM: How about “Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp.
NICK: He was John Cougar then.
ERIK: Everyone know that new song by Avril Lavigne?
COLLIN: First J-Lo, now this. Who in the shit is Avril Lavigne?
ERIK: Young lookin’ gal. Dresses badly. Kinda skinny and ugly like Fiona Apple. Looks like half the audience here tonight. Song is on practically every radio station. Fits the film better.
TOM: I think we all know it. Start it. We’ll pick it up as you go.
ERIK (singing): Chill out…whatcha yelling' for? Lay back…it's all been done before. And if…you could only…let it be…you will see…
JIM (singing): I like…you the way you are. When we’re…drivin’ in your car. And you’re…talking to me…one on one…but you’ve become…
TOM (singing): Somebody else…round everyone else…You’re watching your back…like you can’t relax. You’re tryin’ to be cool…you look like a fool to me. TELL ME…
COLLIN & NICK (singing): Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else gets me frustrated. Life’s like this you…
EVERYBODY (singing): And you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it. No no no
ERIK (singing): You come…over unannounced…dressed up like you're somethin' else…where you…are and where it's at you see…you're making me…
JIM (singing): Laugh out…when you strike your pose…take off all your crappy clothes…you know…you’re not fooling anyone when you’ve become…
TOM (singing): Somebody else…round everyone else. Watching your back, like you can't relax. Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me. TELL ME
COLLIN & NICK (singing): Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else gets me frustrated. Life’s like this you…
EVERYBODY (singing): And you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it. No no no.

At this point the five were all kicked out of the theater. They were told they had no business bringing entertainment into a theater showing the movie Swimfan. At which point Nick Digilio yelled “IT’S SWIMFAN!!!” pulling a wrestling move on the usher and throwing him into the projectionist booth destroying their only print of the film.

The above was a factual account of the events of September 6, 2002. We cannot guarantee the same great experience that these five had during a viewing of Swimfan and this should not be attempted by anyone but professionals. It can be quite annoying to your fellow theater patrons, especially if nobody around you has a sense of humor or realize that they’re watching a movie called SWIMFAN!!!

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=6111&reviewer=198
originally posted: 09/12/02 13:33:31
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

7/13/10 Tarit I don't understand why everybody's slamming this movie. I loved it and Erika is so hot 5 stars
12/26/09 art SWIMFAN BURRIES IT"S 1993 ROLE MODEL"THE CRUSH" 3 stars
8/30/09 Candace Troy Powers Better thanFATAL ATTRACTIONorOBSESSED. Cuts to essence of what those drowned in too much BS 5 stars
6/14/09 art ERIKA CHRISTENSEN IS BEAUTIFUL,SO WHO CARES if THE MOVIE IS BAD? 3 stars
4/27/08 art IT"S REALLY A REHASH OF THE 1993 FILM THE CRUSH 1 stars
1/27/07 David Pollastrini Fatal Attraction for the high school set 4 stars
8/16/06 Rio To quote Nick Digilio: It's called SWIMFAN!!! 2 stars
11/29/05 Sean D It tried. It tested. And the shit-o-meter went off the scale! 1 stars
3/27/04 Nicole This movie is freaky ..the girl is such a freak! "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME..SAY IT" 4 stars
3/17/04 Jen Pretty good, nothing too special. They could have done better. 4 stars
3/16/04 Brando AH GOD! 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge Boring teen titty movie. Pornos have more plot. This movie has as much substance as air. 1 stars
12/24/03 anonymous I don't like Erika Christensen 4 stars
10/10/03 samantha Its ok:) 2 stars
5/08/03 Ashley Corpening C'mon Greg Muskewitz, Julia Stiles makes Erika Christensen look like Meryl Streep! 4 stars
5/08/03 Natalie Stonecipher Holy Crecking Infuddable! Madison makes Alex Forrest look like Erin Brockovich! 4 stars
5/06/03 The Quirkfetch Kid Oooooooooh! Quiver-quiver! I'd like to give Madison a Krazy glue enema! 3 stars
4/23/03 Fergus what a fucken bore. He needs a fucken eyedog. Blonde over brunette? Ewwww. 1 stars
4/07/03 Ian OK film but follows too much of the plot of Fatal Attraction. 3 stars
2/15/03 scott A GREAT FILM 5 stars
12/24/02 Julie So boring and predictable, I took a nap. No thrills to be found here. 1 stars
12/06/02 BAM GREAT 5 stars
11/25/02 Jewles What a waste of time and money. I lost all respect for the actors in this flick. 1 stars
11/21/02 Jay Some give Shiri acting lessons, she sucks the big time bad. 1 stars
11/08/02 Ashley Corpening C'mon Greg Muskewitz, Julia Stiles makes Erika Christensen look like Meryl Streep! 4 stars
11/07/02 Natalie Stonecipher Holy Crecking Infuddable! Madison makes Alex Forrest look like Erin Brockovich! 4 stars
11/06/02 The Quirkfetch Kid Oooooooooh! Quiver-quiver! I'd like to give Madison a Krazy glue enema! 2 stars
10/11/02 qtpie A GREAT FILM 5 stars
10/07/02 Dave Madison is TOO fine! 1 stars
10/06/02 TheOthersFan Makes you jump, but not much else. 2 stars
10/04/02 Maria Coronado I thought the movie was alright, but i thought that jesse was going to stay with the blond. 4 stars
10/04/02 DJ Very good movie 5 stars
9/28/02 Movie guy A GREAT FILM IT ROCKS 5 stars
9/23/02 Marc Wilson Shiri Appleby? Which one was she, the plain brown dull one? 1 stars
9/17/02 lizzybear it was great and shiri appleby did a great job a lot of you have to agree with that! 5 stars
9/16/02 D The movie wasn't THAT bad. The review was hilarious though. 3 stars
9/16/02 Uncle Salty It'll make you want to stab yourself. Anyone telling you different is being paid.i 1 stars
9/14/02 jen clayne crawford is so attractive!! it was highly entertaining 5 stars
9/13/02 MelissaNYC Ashlee, quit smokin' crack! This movie was shitty! 1 stars
9/12/02 Star Roswelsky The actors should have known better! But actually promoting this crap. Shame on them! 1 stars
9/10/02 Jason Keeler Why would anyone think this movie awesome? It is obviously targeted to the IQ 70 crowd 1 stars
9/10/02 k sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks 1 stars
9/10/02 Chancey Thunderpants It's like a teen version of Fatal Attraction. So, no thanks! This blew! 1 stars
9/09/02 .Choadushouse. Bradford = worth your time. Appleby = Insanely CUTE. Movie = predctable and RuinedByPreview 3 stars
9/09/02 Warbandit a crapatcular movie to boot and it sucked donkey feces 1 stars
9/07/02 Cliché Master Well, this film is better than getting kicked in the balls...right? RIGHT!?! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Sep-2002 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  10-Oct-2002




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