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Overall Rating
2.9

Awesome: 33.33%
Worth A Look: 13.33%
Just Average: 6.67%
Pretty Crappy: 3.33%
Sucks43.33%

1 review, 24 user ratings


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Major Payne
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by Chef ADogg

"Damon Wayans should fucking go to hell and eat fire. This sucks."
1 stars

Dude, I loved this movie in the fifth grade--I think that says a lot.

Sometimes a movie comes along and makes you think; it raises questions and doesn't take the easy way out and provide the answers. "Major Payne" is one such film. Three principle questions arise after one initially views said film:

a) How the FUCK did this get made?
b) How the FUCK did Damon Wayans get another role after "Blankman"?
and c), the most philosophically-bent one of them all:
How can eighty minutes seem so LONG?

Now, when there is a film like this, it is the reviewer's duty to strap on his thinking boots and wade through the swamp of higher-thinking, and provide the answers that the audience so craves.

Fill our minds, you scream, with your critical wisdom.

A'ight, then, just settle down and you'll all be served. I've thought long, deep, and hard (note to self: that would make a REALLY good name for a) a porno or b) the South Park sequel) on the questions posed by this thought provoking film, and here's what I've come up with:

a) How the FUCK did this get made?
Easy one. Look at "Major Payne"--just LOOK at it. It has pretty much the dumbest plot anyone ever came up with (and, yes, I DID see "Curly Sue"): this black army guy with a squeaky voice gets forced to run this ROTC camp for annoying kids.

The kids are a bunch of pussies, and it is Payne's job to make them MEN. But Payne's not much of a man himself. Dude, Payne is a wuss. I could take that guy. The clumsy fuck would trip himself and then I'd kick his big damn bald head in. And then I'd point and laugh and mock his squeaky voice: "How you like me now, Blankman?"

Anyhow, there's also a little bit of romance with Hilary from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air." There's a scene in this movie that I really like, where they're dancing in this club, her and Payne. And the funny part is supposed to be when Payne is exorcising his demons in a comedically inclined bit of robotic dance moves.

But then Hilary bends over and waves her ass in the air. What the hell kind of dance move is that? In the movies, I've seen booty dancing, I've seen slow dancing, I've seen dirty dancing--but never before have I seen a dance sequence where the choregrapher's main job was to tell the the bitchy chick from "Fresh Prince" to shake her ass in rapid back and forth movements.

Is that even dancing? I don't know. I really shouldn't complain, though. It gave me a boner.

Am I getting off track? Alright, so the plot is bad. The acting is worse. Damon Wayans is the most famous Wayans brother, but that doesn't say much because Wayanses in general become famous by the sheer virtue of how annoying they are. Watching Damon act is like listening to Freddy Krueger scrape his nails across a chalkboard stretching into eternity.

And I mean that. I really do.

None of the other actors are worth mentioning--it's a bunch of goony kids playing stereotypes, who gives a shit. Hilary really doesn't do much. Near the beginning she has a few lines where she tells Payne to be nice and sensitive, and we're supposed to think she's a bitch, but then her heart begins to melt and we say, "Hey, she ain't that bad after all."

It's character development.

So, the answer to question a is this: How could anything this potentially bad NOT get made? This is America, you are idiots, let's move on.

b) How the FUCK did Damon Wayans get another role after "Blankman"?
Obviously he went to the head honcho of some big movie studio and did a bunch of his schtick and promised to stop once they gave him a three picture deal. (This also explains "Celtic Pride" and "Bulletproof.")

c) How can eighty minutes seem so long?
see answer A.

When I got sick as a little kid, I would keep a big beige bucket handy in case I needed to blow a chunk or two. I put that bucket away when I was eight and could make it to the toilet successfully without spilling. After watching twenty minutes of this movie and becoming paralyzed, I asked my mom to bring me the bucket.

She got there just in time.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=698&reviewer=123
originally posted: 10/29/99 20:04:05
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User Comments

12/26/09 Jazz The main reviewer is a moron... never let them post again... stupid kid 4 stars
9/27/08 Shaun Wallner This film is hilarious!! 5 stars
5/22/07 David Cohen Just not funny 1 stars
3/23/06 max powers whoever SAMUEL is thay r a fuckin idiot its a gerat movie 5 stars
3/23/06 max powers you will love this movie if you are a older person it is so funny 5 stars
3/23/06 max powers great movie 5 stars
8/12/05 ES you'll like this movie my little brusselsprouts 4 stars
3/22/05 Samantha Funny, Funny, Funny! Loved it when it first came out and still do!! 5 stars
5/05/04 gray had good moments 3 stars
12/09/03 Samuel Sucks 1 stars
6/22/03 cochese Another Hollywood insult to mankind. We need a lower rating than 1 star. 1 stars
4/30/03 Connie Summers this movie is the best movie ever 5 stars
12/29/02 Femme_Fataleaa Major GARBAGE! 1 stars
10/22/02 palaboy101 Damon Wayans is great in this movie 4 stars
10/22/02 A Lee Project FUCKING AWESOME MOVIE! As a former Cadet, - I wish I was under the command of Major Payne 5 stars
5/15/02 dusty moreland best in years 5 stars
2/07/02 steph kelly what the hell are all you people talking about??? 5 stars
1/09/02 Andrew Carden It's A Surprise That This Crap Made It Through Production. 1 stars
1/03/02 Austin Awesome 5 stars
5/04/01 Cal o.k 4 stars
9/28/99 JED Funny yes,but it'll be better if you can stand seeing kids getting the "D.S" treatment. 3 stars
4/23/99 lucas jackson damon waynes needs acting lessons,he should go back to in living color 2 stars
9/08/98 Young Einstein Wayans has less clue than Harry Crap, the clueless retarded mongoloid with no clue. 1 stars
8/27/98 {{{OZ}}} Gack. What's Wayans doing this pre-school crap for? 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  24-Mar-1995 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  23-Nov-1995 (PG)




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