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Awesome: 9.45%
Worth A Look: 16.42%
Just Average: 14.43%
Pretty Crappy: 17.91%

6 reviews, 165 user ratings

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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
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by Andrew Howe

"Tomb Raider = Time Waster"
1 stars

After spending a week wading through foreign language films at the Sydney Film Festival, I found myself experiencing an unusual desire for an old-fashioned Hollywood blockbuster. I've got nothing against four-hour elegies for the dying art of llama husbandry, but there's only so much arthouse fare a man can stand before he starts yearning for a fast-paced narrative, respectable budget and dialogue that doesn't have to be read off the bottom of the screen. So it was that I almost found myself looking forward to Tomb Raider, for it promised a much-needed dose of Farewell, Deep Thought and Hello, Mindless Entertainment.

Unfortunately, it also provided an unwelcome dose of Farewell, Ninety Minutes Of My Life and Hello, Diabolical Dreck - given its pedigree I shouldn't be surprised, but since the basic concept held considerably more promise than the likes of Super Mario Bros. and Mortal Kombat I thought the time might finally be right for a moderately successful translation of a videogame to the big screen.

Since the remaining months of the current US summer season should provide us with enough roasted turkey to last a thousand Thanksgivings, I don't see why I should waste anyone's valuable time by spending the better part of 1,500 words burying the hatchet in this emaciated excuse for entertainment. I will therefore exercise uncommon brevity, and present interested parties with excerpts from a much longer review that, unless someone holds the threat of a sequel over my head, will never see the light of day. Read it, as they say, and weep.

"The production notes list five scriptwriters, comprising two ex-actors, an ex-producer, and a couple of other industry giants whose resumes include such underrated classics as Darkman III and Death Wish V. I don't want to launch into another tirade about how brain-dead studio executives entrust major motion pictures to such cretins, but "

"In those selfsame production notes, director Simon West states that he sees elements of ' the characters Humphrey Bogart played in the character of Lara Croft and in her world'. Far be it from me to state the obvious "

"There was a gratuitous shot of Jolie emerging from the shower that had me reaching for the freeze-frame on the remote, but unfortunately I was in a cinema, and in any event my recent conviction for "

"CGI, CGI, how we love you. Except when your talents are wasted on animated statues that are so terrifying they fall apart at the mere sight of a few rounds of ammunition, coloured globes left over from the latest Nostradamus documentary, mystical ectoplasm that looked old when Poltergeist was in nappies "

"Tedious, uninspired action sequences make for a surprisingly thrill-free ride "

"Is the PG-13 rating ruining the action-adventure genre? Consider the evidence "

"What plot?"

"Chris Barrie (great performance in Red Dwarf) and Noah Taylor (just fine in Almost Famous) sing harmony on 'I Sold My Soul For Cold, Hard Cash', a tune which has made a mockery of far more promising careers than theirs. And as for Jon Voight "

"Jolie is Lara Croft. Yeah, well - Lou Feriggno was The Incredible Hulk. I could pass for Doctor Strange. When it comes to a choice between resemblance to animated characters and acting talent, I'll take "

"When lines like 'My bum's gone to sleep' represent the high point of the dialogue "

"The final scene is so jaw-droppingly awful that it defies description "

"How anyone ever thought they were going to get away with "

"The inmates are definitely running the asylum, and West "

"If you like rancid butter with your popcorn flicks "

" insult to the viewer's intelligence "

" breasts "

I tire of this game - death, taxes and the real world never looked so good.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=718&reviewer=193
originally posted: 06/21/01 00:43:19
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User Comments

9/21/17 morris campbell fair flick 3 stars
8/19/12 Quigley I've had better times staring at a wall for an hour and forty minutes. 1 stars
8/18/08 Shaun Wallner Loved it Jolie is great! 5 stars
12/14/07 Jason The acting was too wooden and cliched. 3 stars
11/11/07 beau i thought angelina jolie was casted brilliantly as lara coft, an exact replica 3 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Better than Mummy 3 stars
3/15/07 johnnyfog Guess I'm more of an ass guy 1 stars
3/09/06 Dk I liked it. A vibrent energy and style could be found throughout 4 stars
8/19/05 ES Pathetically done movie spawns likely two sequels and then goes away forever 1 stars
5/26/05 tony Horribly SLOW! ZERO ACTION WHATSOEVER! This film should be a drama 1 stars
3/12/05 Ronin I turned it off after 10 minutes. And I am not gay. Go figure... 1 stars
3/06/05 Rock-Steady Instant boner 4 stars
11/21/04 val I loved them both. and if you are a true fan of the game you would love it too. 5 stars
11/18/04 Zeus fake and dumb 1 stars
10/29/04 John Bale Despite Angelina's tits, films don't get much sillier than this. 2 stars
9/21/04 Sneakers I enjoyed it 'cause I didn't take everything seriously, and I love Angelina Jolie. 4 stars
5/23/04 Butterbean Better than the sequel, so it doesn't suck. It had a nice soundtrack. 2 stars
5/12/04 sharon on seeing this movie i have become the fan of angelina jolie 4 stars
3/27/04 Jake Inane, Inept, Mindless, Idiotic and did I mention VERY VERY STUPID 1 stars
12/15/03 Charles Tatum Who needs comprehension when you can blow shit up? 3 stars
12/05/03 john incedibly stupid - bad action - unbelievable and overblown - no heart - yikes! 1 stars
11/24/03 Thiago The first movie is just ok, but Angelina is just AMAZING as Mrs. Croft. 3 stars
11/21/03 jack bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce boucne 2 stars
6/26/03 Nikaelah Time and money wasted. 1 stars
6/22/03 cochese I couldn't make it through the first 5 minutes, no shit. 1 stars
6/16/03 Ghetto Smurf TITTIES! TITTIES! TITTIES! 1 stars
6/11/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Screwball action plot+halfhearted performance by AJ=mildly amusing flick. 4 stars
4/24/03 Cathy ter Plugg More evidence that Angelia Jolie may not be good at anything but interrupting girls. 3 stars
4/08/03 Sugarfoot A total bust! 1 stars
4/07/03 silvercheetah14 Good action 5 stars
3/03/03 Jack Sommersby Crash and burn. 1 stars
2/10/03 Ubu the Ripper Jolie should never make another film after laying this egg 1 stars
1/19/03 Joesco Forget the plot and enjoy Angelina's fantasy action and outfits 4 stars
1/13/03 Goofy Maxwell "Well, hello my name is Simon...R U looking at her boobs? R U? R U? Cheeky monkeys." 2 stars
10/18/02 .Choadushouse. It almost got the title for worst video game movie yet. The only one worse is Double Dragon 1 stars
10/15/02 Kagemaru Should've been R. If I'm paying money to see A.J.'s titties, they could at least be bare 1 stars
10/08/02 Linda Binda I HATE Tomb Raider games: movie's crappiness unsurprising. Good soundtrack. Insomnia cure 2 stars
9/22/02 Mamalapura Isn't it about time to get over the Angelina nincompoopery?! Sweet Jesus, did this suck! 1 stars
8/01/02 lamar ferguson Yo Andy ya sack of shit, what was your mum thinking when she had you?! 1 stars
6/02/02 sdjfsdkjf I waited til video for this. Thank fucking god. I was so bored I switched it off halfway. 1 stars
3/01/02 Chowie my guy friend only liked it because of her tits......i didn't even like those 2 stars
2/27/02 Alan Smithee Terrible. Would have been better as a R-rated film, with lots of A. Jolie nudity. 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver AbsoLUTEly the worst. Way too much hype for a boring film with an empty lead character. 1 stars
2/13/02 adam kennedy we need to see more of jolie's tits in every movie. because everybody wants to see her tits 5 stars
2/03/02 Jim It ain't Indiana Jones ... 2 stars
12/20/01 Andrew Carden Boring and Unrealistic Video Game-Based Flick. 1 stars
12/20/01 Mister Char Die angelia jolie! I hate this movie, and the game too 1 stars
12/16/01 Jessel What a disappointment 1 stars
11/21/01 BJ the absolute worst!!! 1 stars
11/17/01 J Unsuprisingly not as bad as they say. But it could've been much more than this. 3 stars
11/14/01 Terje McLanly The best action movie so far this year to me. 5 stars
11/05/01 Tim What the ...? the action was great but people go to the movies only to see Jolie... 3 stars
10/19/01 Tam Saw it at a friend's. Relieved I didnt waste any hard-earned cash on it. Manufactured shit. 1 stars
10/13/01 Dan Great film, Jolie does a great job. visually great. 4 stars
10/01/01 Phoenix Jolie is sexy as ever, and the film is the best video game adaption ever made. 4 stars
9/24/01 kristie Douros Fantastic!!!!! thats all I have to say 4 stars
9/14/01 Amber Doney The movie was great. It was one of the best action movies ever. 5 stars
9/10/01 Chrissi I LOVED IT!!! Angelina Jolie is HOT 5 stars
8/31/01 Butterbean I just want to line up West, Massett and Zinman and kick their ass for giving us this shit. 3 stars
8/30/01 Sean Curran Fuck the critics! 5 stars
8/11/01 Dakamus I heard this movie was printed on a thin layer of hardened shit instead of celluloid. 1 stars
8/05/01 Darian Perez Not a great plot, but I suppose that was expected 3 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho ZZZzzzZZzzz.. !!.... Uh... A bad movie with two good scenes... ZZzzzZZzz 1 stars
7/29/01 Bob jones lots of slow motion running scenes. Is there any man whos ass Laura can't kick? 1 stars
7/29/01 Me Bouncy bouncy bouncy!!! 4 stars
7/27/01 Henry Ginsberg Angelena Joli is seriously fit .It's just a pitty she can't act . 2 stars
7/24/01 Heather Keith It's a video game movie, but a decent one. 4 stars
7/24/01 Lord Raymos Bunch of ripoffs wrapped in an incredibly lame plot. 2 stars
7/22/01 ^Elendil^ TheAngryJew hit it on the head. Pity, because I love the game. 2 stars
7/21/01 viking it wasn't all that bad. Battlefield Earth is a hundred times worse 3 stars
7/20/01 malcolm probably the worst in a wretched summer. didn't think i could get tired of boobs. 1 stars
7/16/01 Obi Wan Saw it again last night....was forced to go....I FELL ASLEEP!!! 2 stars for Jolie. 2 stars
7/16/01 Matthew Bartley The fight scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were just as believeable as this 4 stars
7/14/01 Chris There were only two good things about this movie. 2 stars
7/13/01 yahYah boing, boing, boing 3 stars
7/13/01 officer 412/l thin plotline,seen it all before action scenes,and not too hot acting. but nice tits 2 stars
7/13/01 YelloMiata@AOL.COM I hate fight scenes in which you can't see what's happening. Bad editing. Nice tits! 2 stars
7/12/01 SeStA! Angelina was great-you HAVE to admit, but the plot lacked something needed-and her LIPS!AAH 3 stars
7/11/01 rogue not as good as the hype; not an entire loss.Angelina did a great job;i actually enjoyed it 4 stars
7/11/01 Lucian Loved the Game. Loved Angelina as Croft but, movie needs help. Game/movie not close enough. 4 stars
7/11/01 sarah kerby-eaton love the game, love angie = love the film 5 stars
7/11/01 viking not as bad as it could have been 3 stars
7/08/01 Danielle THIS MOVIE SUX 1 stars
7/07/01 vampyre9mm What's sad is that the director looked at this and thought "damn that's good work!" 2 stars
7/07/01 bullit17 I KNOW I should have hated it. But God help me, I actually kinda enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/06/01 Simeon Briggs I agree, who needs plot, i see boobies, not just any Angelina's. (EVERYONE SHOULD SEE GIA) 3 stars
7/06/01 Adam I actually fell asleep during one of the fight scenes, with speakers pounding all around me 1 stars
7/05/01 Don Not as good as Muumy Returns. Movie only is seen because of Jolie, not enough substance 3 stars
7/04/01 Jorge Who needs a plot? I see boobies! 4 stars
7/04/01 The Bomb 69 plot was weak and done before, Jolie made this enjoyable though 4 stars
7/03/01 vpitman As an action flick, it's great. Less cheese than Mummy 2. Jolie snarls well; script sucks. 4 stars
7/03/01 Lois Angelina is kick ass awesome. Move over Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver. 5 stars
7/03/01 luana this movier wroked 5 stars
7/03/01 Brenda The script sucked but Angelina was excellent so fuck all of you who think otherwise,JEALOUS 4 stars
7/02/01 BrainFrz I believe I actually lost brain cells watching the movie! what is beneath Total Crap! 1 stars
7/02/01 Kandy Robertson Entirely too much spandex and not enought plot. 1 stars
7/02/01 Jester219 I can shit a better movie than this 1 stars
7/02/01 Friss pretty disappointing -watch the trailer and save yourself the $$. 2 stars
7/02/01 David J Bell Not bad if you like visual masturbation. 4 stars
7/01/01 bunnie WEll it's not the best movie but if you forget any credibility in reality it's fun 4 stars
6/30/01 chels i liked this movie it was cool angelina jolie was really good in it 5 stars
6/30/01 fishie If you want a movie that feels like a game, this is it. It's just ok. 3 stars
6/29/01 Peter Brook No fun at all. Angelina sure is Jolie, but West (who directed the brilliant Con Air) sucks 2 stars
6/29/01 Onyx What a waste of time and money 2 stars
6/26/01 matthew smith the worst film of the year 2 stars
6/26/01 Dan Otero Lot's of fun, but Lara's breasts are like two seperate characters. 3 stars
6/25/01 Pheonix2029 This is a very action packed joy ride. The non-stop action rocked 5 stars
6/25/01 sexx ed I'd rather have a railroad spike driven through my sack than sit through it again. 1 stars
6/24/01 rebecca what the hell was up w/ her boobs in the 1st scene 2 stars
6/24/01 Optikal Fade I should have opted for the ass-raping by a large inmate named Tiny. 1 stars
6/24/01 Tour1Girl Love to see a female "kick ass" type of action hero for a change 4 stars
6/24/01 Kelano Kekedeko Boringly Drone 2 stars
6/24/01 Jojo Where's Mario and Luigi? 1 stars
6/24/01 Thor-Leo Contrived & charmless 2 stars
6/23/01 Aurelia Angelina is AWESOME!!! this movie kicks ASS!!! :) :) 5 stars
6/22/01 Lydia Cox It's okay, for an action movie. But Angelina Jolie is a great actress. 3 stars
6/22/01 Wannabe Optimistic I wanted to be positive, but nope. This movie put me to sleep. 1 stars
6/22/01 Gary Jolie makes for a dynamic and energetic lead, unlike the rest of the movie. 2 stars
6/22/01 Brian Spend a little less on special effects, and Pay for a screen writer. 3 stars
6/22/01 Mary Forester I went to the theatre to be entertained; I was, but I wouldn't write home about it. 3 stars
6/22/01 Melanie It was cool. Not bad, not great...but it was worth seeing. 4 stars
6/21/01 brent young people are too harsh. jolie is a nice (& hot) lead, the action is good too. popcorn flick. 4 stars
6/21/01 brentley Wealthy Charlie's Angel meets Indiana Jones 3 stars
6/21/01 Melissa in NYC Her breasts moved me.....right on out the door! What a terrible P.O.S.! 1 stars
6/21/01 Steve Havent seen it, but its based on a video game. Did anyone think it would be good? Really? 1 stars
6/21/01 Gizzy It was fun while it lasted 3 stars
6/20/01 svetlana well...i laughed every time i saw her larger-than-barbie's breasts... 1 stars
6/20/01 Mongolian Beef I saw the movie bone sober and it sucked. I saw it again drunk and I liked it. 5 stars
6/20/01 Mr. Char An utter piece of shit, stop making movies based on video games hollywood! 1 stars
6/20/01 Chromag I went into it expecting a video game and Angelina's two friends, and got exactly that. 4 stars
6/20/01 Ron saw it for free, a mindless fun 3 stars
6/20/01 Jason there was a lot of eye candy...and the special effects and action sequences weren't bad... 4 stars
6/19/01 beast a dissapointment. 1 stars
6/19/01 Jenni This movie SUCKED!!! The effects lacked everything. And you feel nothing for the characters 1 stars
6/19/01 Melissa in NYC Jugs, ta-tas, tities, the ladies, headlights, hooters, big 'uns-and that's all there is. 1 stars
6/19/01 Ada Jane Sucked in every conceivable way, and biggest crime of all, NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/19/01 Portmaniac It meant to be fun...but WASN'T!Gave me a headache & was huge waste of time.Pls no sequel. 1 stars
6/18/01 This review's better than the other crap by Greg (Something) This movie was meant to be fun, not an oscar-winning movie... Jeez, give it a break! 5 stars
6/18/01 jode It Rocks! 5 stars
6/18/01 Julia Harsh Much? IT IS A MOVIE, A.K.A. Entertainment. Fun. Make Believe. Use your imagination 4 stars
6/18/01 Dan Who would believe you could kill all those soldiers with a rubber band and wall walking. 3 stars
6/18/01 MaG it not that bad 3 stars
6/18/01 Michael One of the better video game to movie translations 4 stars
6/18/01 Mary Agree completely-nothing real but real father,John Voight 1 stars
6/18/01 Quack1701 Fun movie. Would have prefered more of her solo in the Tombs (or some T&A). Go see it! 4 stars
6/17/01 Richard Hendricks Boring, dull, slow, not enough T&A, way too much dialogie...Mortal Kombat didn't suck eithe 1 stars
6/17/01 voyant Not the best summer movie, but an enjoyable way to spend a few hours. 4 stars
6/17/01 Haha Has more soul than Pearl Harbor though 1 stars
6/17/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Repeat after me: IT'S A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!! Good fuck, people... 4 stars
6/17/01 Carolyn Ford Absolutely, positively the worst movie I've ever seen, and that includes Tidal Wave. 1 stars
6/17/01 D. Jah-Voo i think Eric Cartman has half of the magic triangle 1 stars
6/16/01 Anne I liked it..it isn't supposed to be a sophisticated plot just eye candy. 3 stars
6/16/01 Finity i enjoyed it damnit 4 stars
6/16/01 Roy Smith I you like poorly edited action and cheesy sets this MST3K quality film is for you! 2 stars
6/16/01 Nathan Porter Greg couldn't be more right on. The movie is so empty. Major letdown! 1 stars
6/15/01 rue the whirl I didn't even achieve an erection 1 stars
6/15/01 meh A fun movie doesn't have to be stupid. This movie is stupid. 1 stars
6/15/01 Danny Greg go out and get a life. This movie isn't about trying to find symbolsm inLaras breasts 5 stars
6/15/01 Ever hear of enjoying a film, you nit-picking asshole? Greg is in all honesty, a mindless, impotent dickhead who was expecting an Oscar movie. 4 stars
6/15/01 John Y Even with Angelina Jolie's bouncing breasts, this movie was as mindless as the Mummy 3 stars
6/15/01 ERIC SHADRACK Typical pathetic excuse for a Hollywood property-driven movie. More wretched than usual. 1 stars
6/15/01 yuoiyuoyu Simply Terrible! Video game movies never work 1 stars
6/14/01 Jeremy Cookston Its all in the boobs 5 stars
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  15-Jun-2001 (PG-13)


  21-Jun-2001 (M)

Directed by
  Simon West

Written by
  Patrick Massett
  John Zinman

  Angelina Jolie
  Jon Voight
  Daniel Craig
  Iain Glen
  Noah Taylor
  Rachel Appleton

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