Worth A Look: 20.48%
Just Average: 14.71%
Pretty Crappy: 15.23%
39 reviews, 718 user ratings
|Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace
Flipping through the Top 20 recently, and I saw that this film had four stars! Well, thanks to the ability to edit your reviews, you have a chance to correct this wrong. If any film was made for the words, 'Sucks All Ass', then this is it.I'm not going to waste time on this, there are 29 other reviews for you to wade through should you want to find out the story (if, say, you've been hiding out in Borneo for the last few years). I'm just going to run through a list of pros and cons, before coming up with my killer criticism on why ultimately the movie is terrible. First a couple of qualifiers:
"It's in your power to stop this travesty."
1) I haven't seen this at the cinema. But I'm guessing if you want to watch this again then you won't be either, so the perspective of someone who hasn't seen it in widescreen might help.
2) It's a kids movie. If you're a kid, THEN STOP READING THIS WEB SITE. It's rude and your parents will kick your ass. Incidentally, my five year old nephew loved it and now wants to be Jar-Jar Binks. This is another reason I hate it.
Anyway, first the pros:
- That city on yadah-yadah planet was quite nicely rendered.
- Pod Racer game for the N64. Without this film aforementioned Nephew wouldn't have bought this game and I wouldn't have blisters on my thumbs.
- I thought that poster was quite clever and all, you know, with Darth's shadow behind Anakin. Very class.
- Terrance Stamp not lumbered with ridiculous accent which made The Limey a bit painful (and he's from London as well!).
- Start had promise. For a bit.
OK, now the cons:
- Jar-Jar Binks. Not funny. And is it just me or do all computer animated organisms look very obviously fake. Robots and spaceships are fine, but you can't get away with something that is meant to be alive. So shove your 'fantastic animation' up your arse.
- How come psychic Jedi Knights who are very clever, highly perceptual and strong in the force didn't manage to spot queen whatever without her make-up on, when any fool clearly could see that from the off (and it wasn't just because she was Natalie Portman - the last time I saw her was in Leon and she's changed a lot since then - like having a lot weaker script to work on).
- Story. Lack of.
- Acting. Lack of.
- Ending. Lack of.
- Science. Addition of.
- Jake Lloyd. Not only a shocking actor, but annoying as hell as well. What a little goody two shoes shit. Quite frankly I'll be happy when he grows up to be Darth. He could be the next Macaully Caulkin.
The big fucker:
- Much as I hate to criticise a film for its brevity when every director out there is churning out three hour pics in an effort to appear arty, this is what really killed it. Due to the amount of stuff Lucas has to crowbar in before the third one, and the fact he needs to keep it short so that kids won't get bored, no time is wasted on such needless nonsense as character development, depth or getting people involved with the characters or their futures. In any other film you wouldn't forgive it. By trading on your child-hood memories/adult obsession Lucas is assured that he can get away with anything. In the end the film has to stand up on its own, and it doesn't. Sickening.Yipee, all my child-hood memories have just been anally raped. Roll on the next two.
link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=723&reviewer=215
originally posted: 06/11/00 16:14:36
|Trilogy Starters: For more in the Trilogy Starters series, click here.