Worth A Look: 2.94%
Just Average: 5.88%
Pretty Crappy: 4.41%
4 reviews, 44 user ratings
by Chris Parry
In the opening montage of the vileness that is Boat Trip, Cuba Gooding Jr dances in his living room to a James Brown song, as his dog watches. He then goes out to propose to his girlfriend but ends up vomiting on her instead and getting dumped. Then he comes home and tells the dog what happened, before saying "you don't care, you can lick your own balls." If this alone doesn't warn you that Boat Trip is one of the worst excuses for a feature film released in the last twenty years, the following words should do the trick: "Pick up now or I'm going to fart into the phone." Seriously, movies get no worse than this. Well, Master of Disguise perhaps, but that's it.There isn't a cliche or convention of bad movie-making (or bad TV-making) that Boat Trip doesn't mire itself in from the very first frame. You've got a terrible script, unbelievably dumb humor, a premise that screams "I Love Lucy" episode, the ever-present 'zany comedy' score, the word 'dude' spoken by old people, a fat sidekick, gratuitous skin without ever going to actual nudity (except for repeated shots of Cuba Gooding Jr's naked ass), Cuba Gooding Jr dancing, Cuba Gooding Jr dressing as a woman, a Will Ferrell cameo, and not one actual laugh for the entire 90 minutes.
"I watched this worthless garbage so you wouldn't have to. I suffer for you."
Added to this, the first half hour of the film is spent leading in to the big joke of the premise - that the cruise Gooding and his buddy are going on is actually a gay cruise. Only, that joke is given away in the advertising of the film, so really a good third of this movie is entirely wasted time.
Scratch that - the entire film is a waste of time. If this were a TV sitcom it would never have made it past the pilot stage. If it were a puppy, you'd take it to the vet and have it put to sleep. If it were a skin disease, you'd have whatever limb it was found on amputated at the base.
Never has an Oscar been more wasted than the Oscar Cuba Gooding Jr brought home for Jerry Maguire. Some actors might have taken that as the launchpad for a great career, but Gooding has gone the total other way, voluntarily charting a career path that has headed straight into the toilet. Who is this guy's agent, Jerry Springer? There are porn actors who wouldn't have taken a role in this crap. There are check-out chicks at my local K-Mart who wouldn't have taken a part in a film this bad, and many of them have crack habits.
The storyline: Gooding and his fat buddy (I keep calling him that because that is his only realistic characteristic) decide to help Cuba get over the loss of his girlfriend by going on a cruise. The travel agent decides these two are assholes (I wholeheartedly agree) and in turn sends them on a gay cruise. Much gay stereotyping ensues. Comedy, however, doesn't.
Like an episode of Will and Grace gone horribly wrong, Boat Trip sashays from Scooby Doo reactions to the kind of questionable sexual humor that would get you a warning from your boss if you brought it within a hundred feet of the workplace.
"I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me."
"Hey, not my ass!"
Okay, can somebody staple my sides together please?
Perhaps the strangest aspect of this movie is that of all the gay stereotypes included within it (and we're talking hundreds here), nobody seems to be gayer than Cuba Gooding Jr - and he's playing the straight guy. I have no idea if this guy likes his donuts filled with jam or chocolate, but the way he prissys about this ship, he certainly doesn't seem out of place. And even if he did... what's the problem with going on a gay cruise, anyway? You're still on a cruise; who cares if the guys at the next table are gay, straight or fond of inserting guppies? Deal with it, move on, get a tan, try not to fall off the side of the boat and sue the travel agent when you get home - cha-ching!
But no, 'gay' is apparently the next step down from having SARS, so being a straight man on a gay cruise is like putting your tongue on the mens' room door handle, at least according to the Special Needs class that put this script together. Actually, it wasn't a Special Needs class, it was a writer named Mort Nathan (who used to write scripts for Archie Bunker's Place and The Golden Girls) and another by the name of William Bigelow (who admits to having penned episodes of Silk Stalkings, Renegade and Pacific Blue). That such a pair of hacks are even allowed near a word processor without helmets is a dire statement about the society in which we live.
No negative film review could possibly do justice to how bad this cinema experience is. Blowjobs performed on bananas, rampant stereotyping of thw worst kind, enough mugging for the camera to put Benny Hill out of business, repeated shots of Gooding's naked behind... Heck, this movie even steals jokes from other films, with a 'Something About Mary' sperm joke and the Porky's 'unwanted sex with a repugnant old woman' routine deserving of particular scorn.
Yet, no matter how repugnant a film like this can get, there's always someone who'll sell their soul to get on the video box. Witness Kevin Thomas of the Los Angeles Times when he says, "In its frenetic, good-natured way, Boat Trip is indeed a trip."
Sure Kevin - a bad acid trip maybe. A trip on Air Iraq perhaps. A trip face-first down a flight of concrete stairs, sure.
To cover their asses (no pun intended), the makers of this film "consulted with many openly gay individuals, including the film's casting director and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, in an effort to insure that its setting, subject matter and characters were fair and not offensive to any particular group while maintaining the film's comedic nature." If GLAAD think this kind of thing is advancing the cause of acceptance of minority groups, GLAAD must stand for Got Little Aptitude for Advanced Dumbness. That the producers can even explain away this horsecrap with an excuse as preposterous as "we have a gay person working on the crew, so like, we love gays" is the final stab in the back of tolerance and understanding.
If I made a movie that portrayed all Italians as incestual morons, I'd expect a horse's head to be left in my bed. To be sure, Cuba Gooding Jr deserves to find a day-glo pink vibrator under his pillow every night of the week.And if you ask me, he probably does. ZING!
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originally posted: 05/01/03 22:37:06