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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.45%
Worth A Look: 8.45%
Just Average: 11.27%
Pretty Crappy: 28.17%

3 reviews, 53 user ratings

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Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
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by EricDSnider

"Jan de Bont's breast effort."
2 stars

The first "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" film, you'll recall, was a dull, tedious affair. It was set up like a video game, to its detriment: heroine faces conflict, heroine defeats enemy, heroine moves onto next conflict. No suspense, no climax, no fun.

Despite having a new director and new screenwriters, the sequel, "The Cradle of Life," is no better. It repeats the same mistakes of the first film and compounds them with the cardinal sin of taking itself too seriously.

Perhaps Angelina Jolie is the problem. In what I assume is an attempt to appear sultry, she looks passionless and bored most of the time, her one facial expression mired somewhere between sexy and stoned. Her delivery is flat, another failed attempt at suaveness. She's a perfect mirror for the film.

The plot is ... oh, the plot. I don't know if I'm up to it, but I'll try. It seems Pandora's Box is a real artifact, not a myth, and if it's opened, it will unleash deadly disease. A bad guy named Reiss (Ciaran Hinds), who deals in bio-terror, wants to get it and sell it as a weapon to terrorists. Lara Croft (Jolie), noted archeologist and heroine, is called upon by the British government to find the box first, stop Reiss, and so on and so forth.

To do this, Lara insists she needs the help of Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), now in prison for treason but a heck of a guy when it comes to this sort of thing. (One wonders what previous excursions would be similar enough to the current dilemma to make Terry's name spring to mind first.) Oh, and he's her ex-boyfriend, too. So they spring him from lock-up, and the two go off to China, then Hong Kong, then a bunch of other places, making wan attempts at sexual tension along the way.

Director Jan de Bont ("Twister," "Speed") demonstrates a surprising ineptitude, especially when it comes to pacing. None of the various sequences of fighting or escaping seem any more dire than any others. They could be re-edited and shown in a different order and it wouldn't change the story at all. There is no sense of building to a climax; the stakes never seem to get raised.

The thought of seeing Angelina Jolie in a tight T-shirt may be reason (reasons?) enough to see the film, but I doubt it. Find a picture of her on the Internet and stare at it for a couple hours. You'll find more amusement that way than you would watching the movie.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=8016&reviewer=247
originally posted: 07/25/03 18:12:11
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User Comments

1/07/09 Shaun Wallner Was'nt all that great! 2 stars
8/01/07 MaDmAN This is a great movie to watch if you can't sleep... CRAP 1 stars
6/14/07 Teyla Will a great Tomb Raider movie ever be made. Use your damn heads you stinkpot directors 2 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Liked it. Hoping for a 3rd 3 stars
3/09/06 Dk A shoddy and predictable sequel 1 stars
11/26/05 tatum Good but routine sequel, say goodbye to the franchise 4 stars
9/29/05 Jonathon Holmes Angelina Jolie alone can't save this crap 1 stars
8/18/05 ES A horrible first movie, derived from a horrible game = a horrible sequel, surprise! 1 stars
7/13/05 .... absolutely awesome man u know it if u like turd ur lov it 1 stars
5/26/05 tony this movie is worse than the first one! why not just slash it from the filmmaking studio! 1 stars
2/17/05 Naka AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Oh man...whooooooo.... 1 stars
6/03/04 Bill At least the first one had humor 2 stars
5/23/04 Butterbean I was fooled twice. This was worse. They just cant make a good Tomb Raider movie. 1 stars
4/30/04 toni this movie is the hottest movie out 5 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 im so P.O 'd with what they did with a possible great franchise, poor jolie i feel for her 2 stars
3/10/04 HorrorScribbler Lara punches out a shark! Reiss has "accelerated ebola"! Lara channels Indy! Movie sucks! 1 stars
2/23/04 Eric Pretty damn good movie 5 stars
12/05/03 john should run with THE HULK on a "worst movies ever" double bill 1 stars
11/26/03 jj It's fun & entertaining BUT PLEEEEASE leave brain at door! 3 stars
11/24/03 Thiago Better than the first. Angelina and Gerard made a great team. Good action. 4 stars
11/24/03 adam barnes. brillant 5 stars
11/11/03 Shame on "MenAreDumbSticks" I'll like bodies all I want to, which doesn't mean it's all I care about. Take Logic 101! 3 stars
11/11/03 Tiffany Thunderhurst Starts off like CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON, ends like INDIANA JONES. 3 stars
10/17/03 Josh Standlee It's an okay movie, but I just have to say that Angelina Jolie is NOT attractive! 3 stars
10/16/03 Jesus fucking Christ (Suck holy balls) Did a goddamn nigger make this lump of shit?! May you all get AIDS..losers 1 stars
10/10/03 Kooler Is there such a thing as a charisma implant? 1 stars
10/01/03 MenAreDumbSticks all you care about is the body.same on you ppl!! 3 stars
9/21/03 Lara_Croft Angelina is a very sexy woman 5 stars
8/30/03 nita I liked it damnit! 4 stars
8/27/03 anna Better than the original; there's worse out there this summer (2003) 4 stars
8/27/03 jenny from the block Stop talkin about my jigglin booty! 1 stars
8/23/03 Sorcerer It's not much but it ranks high... By far it's the perfect summer movie! 5 stars
8/23/03 try wtr 1 stars
8/17/03 h crap 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu I lost count of the times Lara was helpless w/ a gun pointed to her head at around 7 or 8. 1 stars
8/13/03 jolie's tits mmm... i like to suckle 1 stars
8/12/03 Nancy295 Lots of action and Angelina actually changed expressions! 4 stars
8/05/03 JJ from da Block Tween her tits and JLo's ass, they could make a good one I bet 1 stars
8/04/03 Elizaveta huh? I thought these things came with plots nowadays... 1 stars
8/03/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz even worse than the first one. 1 stars
8/01/03 Matt Helm Soulless, depressing, and less action than expected 2 stars
8/01/03 Curtiss Stupid & senseless storyline. Ridiculous & even more boring than Matrix Reloaded 1 stars
7/31/03 Todd Hell, a poke in the eye would be better than the first one, this movie is pure shit. 1 stars
7/30/03 Kaylee I thought it was alright 3 stars
7/29/03 Uncle Salty What did you expect, retard? 1 stars
7/28/03 julie this movie was just ok, but it was worth the price of admission just to watch gerard butler 3 stars
7/28/03 Solid Snake Do we need to bring our brain to the cinema next time? 1 stars
7/28/03 The Talking Elbow This movie wasn't so bad at all... Come on guys lighten up 4 stars
7/28/03 Patrick Lake Jan de Bont ruined this film!!!! 2 stars
7/26/03 Collin I Saw the First One And Hated It, I Hated This One Too, So The Tradition Continues 1 stars
7/26/03 Jeannine I was so disappointed when I walked out of that movie theatre. : ( 2 stars
7/24/03 randall jackson saw a preview showing July 24 2 stars
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  25-Jul-2003 (PG-13)



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