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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.65%
Worth A Look: 5.31%
Just Average: 4.87%
Pretty Crappy: 6.19%

6 reviews, 190 user ratings

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by Erik Childress

"It's NOT The Worst Film Ever Made, But It IS Really Bad!"
1 stars

WHAT?!!! That's the simplification of what movie audiences all over the world will be asking after seeing Gigli ("rhymes with really".) They'll be asking it about the plot. Discussion groups will be formed in the parking lot; mainly on where to go eat. Studio spinmasters will be frantically writing apologies and Kevin Smith will shoot himself wondering why he couldn't get Jersey Girl into theaters BEFORE this fiasco. Believe me that I'm being kind too. Mainly because I want to understand this film, to decide if it possibly went wrong AFTER the greenlight stages which must have involved blackmail and bribes. I have too much respect for director Martin Brest to believe anything less. So let's examine.

The plot in one paragraph: Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli ("rhymes with really"), a low-level contractor who is assigned to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal prosecutor gunning for a Mafioso boss (Al Pacino). So little respect does his boss show for him that in comes Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), another contractor to make sure he doesn't screw it up. She is also a lesbian who must resist the macho man charms of the retard while keeping one eye on the prosecutor's brother. Thank you.

It's the kind of plotting that Hollywood bigwigs like to hear. A few sentences to sum it up, never having to worry about the inner complexities of the story which no doubt, will come later. Consider what Gigli is about and then revel in the little details of Martin Brest's screenplay.

Larry Gigli ("rhymes with really") is not a smart man, but he knows what love is. Breaking down men and women to "bulls" and "cows", he is crudely determined to milk the one he has grazing in his pasture. Ricki is unavailable to him; "lesbian" being nothing more than a label for relationship insecurity than an actual way of life. She rejects his every move, not because she's into liplocking but because Larry doesn't know how to ask her the right way. If he could just drop the facade and treat her the way a woman should be, they could live happily ever after.

This is further accented by the parallel of Brian the Rain Man (Justin Bartha), who is in love with just the lovely voice of an Australian weathergirl. Like the stereotype that women's groups have given us for years, he's a guy with brain damage. Brian's predeliction for rap music; an artform widely criticized for its rampant misogyny and his life goal to get to Baywatch "where all the pretty girls are" is a representation of Gigli's psyche. David Lynch has chimed in and suggested that Larry, Ricki and Brian are actually all one in the same person and Gigli's apartment is the mind from which they cannot escape. Brian DePalma concurred that when they DO actually leave that one bedroom flat, Gigli is finally able to open up and confront the other two personalities in his life. It's no coincidence that the three main characters are named after popular talk show hosts who act like pop culture psychiatrists (King, Lake & Conan O') and symbolize power, water and barbarians.

P.S. All of the above is bullshit.

I tried. It was a last ditch effort and I bet even Martin Brest would be surprised that anyone can attach so much subtext to a misguided, poorly conceived vehicle. Retrace the steps of this project to the very beginning and you have to wonder why did Ben Affleck decide to do another love story where his character attempts to convert a lesbian? In what universe do you set a love story against the backdrop of kidnapping a retarded kid with a side dish of Tourette's? Given Brest's recent penchant for long movies, Scent of a Woman (157 minutes) and Meet Joe Black (180 minutes), exactly how much longer was the original version of Gigli? (Several late-minute trims were called in before it rested at 124 minutes.)

Then you watch the film and discover a few things you may never have realized. Like how easy it is for a Brooklyn thug to walk in-and-out of a mental health facility with one of its patients. Or that "contractors" never carry guns and do all their intimidation through speeches about corpses and ancient Chinese secrets. OK, everyone knew the best place to hide a retarded kidnap victim is in your own apartment, even after a detective shows up to make sure you don't have him. Did you know you can cut a dead person's thumb off with just a plastic knife? I must be using mine wrong then since I have trouble with my Salisbury Steak TV dinners.

Yet, the movie keeps trying to remind you that you're watching a Martin Brest film. Despite not being credited as a writer on anything since 1979's Going in Style, Brest tries to channel wonderful moments from his past works with long dialogue exchanges ranging from Larry's version of Affleck's Chasing Amy car speech to what will be the most commented upon scene in the film, Ricki's vagina monologue. If I told you that nearly eight minutes of Jennifer Lopez stretching into every conceivable position in a tiny exercise outfit while talking about the advantages of girl-on-girl love and her own "pussy" would have you focusing more on how unbelievably inane the dialogue is, you would swear you might have just turned gay. This is actually something that happens to Larry from this point on and a subplot I don't have the stomach to get into.

There are two things that work in Gigli. Call it the "pro" factor. After a half-hour of ludicrous plotting, in knocks Christopher Walken as that aforementioned detective. Never have I seen a room full of critics with their spirits instantly lifted, if only momentarily. No one commands a room like Walken and after Gigli, no one will ever LEAVE a room quite like him again. It's his only scene, never to be heard from again, so we're sad for another hour until Pacino shows up to put the fear of God into everyone. And it works. Props on the fishtank, Marty, but this room belongs to Al. And then that's over, 100 minutes into a crime plot that should conceivably involve cops, FBI and hitmen instead of a three-character Arthur Miller play at the Casa de Gigli.

Affleck and Lopez will take some heat applied to their lack of on-screen chemistry. The media has inundated us with stories of the power couple and how they met on Gigli and became lovers afterwards. It shows and I'm not about to trounce on it until I see what occurs in Jersey Girl. Yes, they are actors and it's their JOB to pull it off, but how can you blame them when a screenplay makes them fight through the lesbian factor. This is the first time I actually enjoyed elements of Lopez's performance since Out of Sight. Even as the staunch Affleck defender that I am, there's very little to save him from criticism here. Then again, with such a script, you can almost hear Robin Williams saying "it's not your fault". Plus, he couldn't nearly be as bad as Lenny Venito's turn as Gigli's low-level bossman who tries to channel Joe Pantoliano in Midnight Run (a far superior Martin Brest film.)

Between suicidal stalking ex-lovers and homoerotic roster changes, the balance of the romantic comedy genre has never been more confused as to which side had less weight. When a movie is failing at such a dead zone level, it doesn't help to add John Powell's grating, fanciful score which doesn't miss a beat to remind audiences that the filmmakers were dead serious when making it. Sometimes it's good that films like Gigli get made. It's bad in that unwinking way where you can't even claim that a studio forced its hacking in the editing room. It plays straight through its absurdity and never stumbles into clarity. Film students can examine it and use it as a counterpoint to why films work at all. Maybe they can attach a pretentious film school-like subtext to it. But I doubt it. It's that bad. Gigli.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=8023&reviewer=198
originally posted: 08/01/03 01:02:49
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User Comments

9/09/15 Michael Bagamery I want few things more than to make this “movie” not exist. Why no zero-star rating???? 1 stars
4/24/15 David Hollingsworth Makes Showgirls looks like On The Waterfront 1 stars
11/18/11 Ursula Turpin Al Pacino way worse than in JACK&JILL; otherwise this is better than cracked down to be. 3 stars
1/06/10 julie this movie is like a giant turd 1 stars
10/16/09 Liberty Man Nothing great but fun to watch. Sure beats the hell out of Eyes Wide Shut!!! 3 stars
5/26/09 19thpersonality with a start like this, no wonder justin bartha is where he is 1 stars
4/10/08 Duke of Omnium Too bad even to be "so bad that it's good". Something to offend (or worse, bore) everybody. 1 stars
9/14/07 JM Synth Massively ill conceived on every level; has a certain morbid curiosity value 2 stars
8/25/07 Kevin Bad rap not as bad as they say 4 stars
1/22/07 Alex DeLarge This movie was about as enjoyable as sticking ones genitals in a bee hive 1 stars
10/13/06 Barry J-L0 is still hot as hell - tell me u all would not do her!! 5 stars
9/21/06 Charles Tatum Horrible, I couldn't make it past twenty minutes 1 stars
8/13/06 Sharon its was okay untill ben came on screen!!! 1 stars
8/09/06 Ryan_A Not the WORST thing ever, but far from good. Bartha makes me wanna punch him. Lots. 1 stars
6/15/06 Annie IT sux sux boring and not really a point to me! 2 stars
5/19/06 Synchoa A horrid nasty movie that deserves a hiding 1 stars
4/24/06 lily donville this movie is offensive,perverted and it was horrible 1 stars
1/03/06 Anthony Feor Jenninfer's acting career just went down the drain 1 stars
12/16/05 Sean D Manos may be worst. Gigli is most hateful. Avoid like the plague 1 stars
12/06/05 T. Maj Mr. Affleck, please consider a career change. Burger King's hiring. 1 stars
10/18/05 Douglas Reese One of 2003's best films! Put a smile to my face and Bartha is extraordinarily terrific!!! 5 stars
9/18/05 Jonathon Holmes at least Micheal Bay didn't direct this rancid dogshit of a film 1 stars
8/18/05 ES it's pronounced 'Jiggly' and it was meh <shrugs shoulders> 3 stars
7/27/05 Daveman Not as unwatchable as the critics would have you belief but still idiotic and pointless. 1 stars
7/20/05 Chris Horrible, and the ending is the worst part of it! It had to last 20 minutes!? 1 stars
7/13/05 Brandy Harrington Another terrible Ben Assfleck movie. 1 stars
5/30/05 Nedim Do NOT waste your time 1 stars
5/24/05 Jake Complete shit, pure and simple. 1 stars
5/24/05 The shizz wow 1 stars
5/20/05 HL sucks 1 stars
5/12/05 Jennifer Regan Bad, bad, bad - don't bother! 1 stars
5/06/05 Colleen Goldrick Not a great one but cute 3 stars
5/04/05 Cindy Lovell Absolute Crap...I will never get that time back 1 stars
3/13/05 Jeff Anderson Disposable, but 2 things redeem it. Lopez's sexy performance & her amazingly good dialogue! 2 stars
3/11/05 craig varney not as bad as most say 3 stars
2/18/05 Margot Copeland I can't believe I watched the whole thing! 1 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain I didn't even finish watching it!!!!!!!!!!!!1 1 stars
1/30/05 New Jersey Rules what a fuckin' pile of flaming dog shit. Smelly cunt-ass FUCK. 1 stars
12/26/04 mjoc This may be the worst thing I have ever tried to watch. What a waste of time and money 1 stars
12/25/04 Louie Brilliant. Great story and acting. The heck with the critics. 4 stars
12/22/04 Jason Kaul J-Lo describing why she is lesbian, was hotter than Carrie Fisher in the brass bra! WOW! 4 stars
12/11/04 Lucas Stensland The score alone ruins this film 1 stars
12/04/04 Kristina Williams ha! 1 stars
11/26/04 gerbilerba I blow farts more interesting than this gagathon 1 stars
11/17/04 Chris Belldo even if i was a dimwitted giggly teenage girl, i'd still want to take a crap on this movie 1 stars
10/20/04 SJK Ben Affleck must be trying to tank his career. 1 stars
10/15/04 Pete What were they thinking.... 1 stars
9/25/04 Tor Honolulu A year after THEY broke up, this is surprisingly enjoybable and not to be missed...really 4 stars
9/07/04 Bob It was OK. There have been a lot worse films released in the past. 3 stars
8/29/04 Tam Sad dialogue & slow pace. Why can't they portray any loyal lesbians these days? 1 stars
8/05/04 ELI Well, it was better than "Cat in the Hat." 2 stars
8/03/04 The Talking Elbow Pacino and Walken were great, and I was hoping a char from LOTR would show up, like Sauron. 2 stars
7/16/04 Gray even the actors slamed it!!!!! 1 stars
7/15/04 S.F I'll head your advice and never watch this film - EVER! 1 stars
7/09/04 Diesel Will JLo ever get the hint? 1 stars
7/05/04 Spiderfan720 There is a rumor that The President is gonna put this on a nuke if we ever use one again. 1 stars
6/17/04 Ryan any who thinks this is good is demented 1 stars
6/16/04 Spiderfan50 BE DRAINED OF LIFE!!! 1 stars
6/06/04 Reid Cornelius absolutely the best film of the year 5 stars
6/06/04 The More You Know Sucks like lainie kazan's fat azz making that thong string disappear. Get the picture? Uggh 1 stars
5/05/04 Ajax It sucks, but as a lot of people point out, it doesn't suck that bad. 3 stars
4/27/04 4x4 Horrendous? Made Tommy Boy look like Oscar material. Avoid at all costs. 1 stars
4/25/04 Monster W. Kung Not good, but not nearly as bad as some garbage that came out in the last few years. 2 stars
4/16/04 Michael Greenwaldt It's nowhere near as bad as it's made out to be, and not even close to worst of the year! 3 stars
4/05/04 Me Nice azz. Movie blows. Sick of hearing about he love life. 1 stars
3/28/04 Blues Singer Babe it sucked big time it was a bomb at the movie box office Jennifer is a hoar dont see it ! 1 stars
3/23/04 Spastiqua Not very good, but certainly not the years worst! hello! dumb & dumber 2? marci x? 3 stars
3/20/04 Kayla I think its an alright movie..Not one of the best but recommend that anyone sees it. 4 stars
3/18/04 da hood a rich, thought provoking film, with a suspenseful, brilliant twist.whoops, wrong movie! 1 stars
3/18/04 Chris Taco flavored kisses for my Beeennnn!! 1 stars
3/07/04 movieguy sucks 1 stars
2/28/04 Kelly Rogers utterly horrid excuse of a film 1 stars
2/26/04 greg this movie is the biggest piece of sh** i have ever seen 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge "gag-me" 1 stars
2/19/04 AJ Certainly Crap 1 stars
2/08/04 Whatevr Killed a piece of my soul 1 stars
2/02/04 yeahboy true definition of YUCK!!!!!!! 1 stars
1/27/04 Dandy Candy This was the worst movie I've ever seen. GALLIPOLLI'S much more interesting 1 stars
1/24/04 CC %^&% 1 stars
1/23/04 Tygra A lobotomy would have been more entertaining 1 stars
1/23/04 M Jlo sux, movie shits 1 stars
1/15/04 jingo p. i'd rather wipe my ass with barbed wire. 1 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Why hath Hollywood smote us so? 1 stars
1/07/04 JJ Jesus died in vain... 1 stars
1/06/04 beautie full of undiluted crap,that bitch cant act to save her plump ass!!! 1 stars
1/02/04 J has sunk to a new Lo like watching an un-funny SNL: A series of unlreated skits meant to promote star product 1 stars
1/01/04 burikak Matt McLoota, did someone hit u in the head????? 1 stars
1/01/04 Matt McLoota This movie is fantastic, Oscar worthy performances all around. One of the ten best movies. 5 stars
12/28/03 Agent Sands Well, I'VE seen it. And it's a gangster flick a la Get Shorty, assholes! Seriously! 3 stars
12/21/03 M jlo smells, ben stinks! 1 stars
12/07/03 lilcutie so stupid 1 stars
12/01/03 WTF? Rightfully deserves the title of worst movie ever. The critics weren't lying! 1 stars
11/29/03 john oh what fun! 1 stars
11/26/03 he crap 1 stars
11/22/03 ozzy sucks hardcore donkey dick 1 stars
11/11/03 Red crap 1 stars
10/29/03 Priscilla Postlethwaite Better than most reviews indicate; What's this DAY MY BUTT WENT PSYCHO in above picture???? 3 stars
10/23/03 illini bri pathetic! 1 stars
10/21/03 Gigli This film is so bad that it had to be intentional. 1 stars
10/21/03 nr i hated this movie 1 stars
10/15/03 Carmelita Florine oh, oh, I just lurved this movie! 5 stars
10/13/03 snowconehead this is a sure quick way to induce vomitting 1 stars
10/09/03 KooKuKrazeeKitti i feel REALLY bad 4 al pacino and chris walken. they deserve bettr treatment than this shit 1 stars
10/02/03 pudsey it is so shite its unbelievable. ben and JLO r 2 pathetic, overated actors 1 stars
9/21/03 Redpajammas bad bad bad 1 stars
9/20/03 CAT BLUES total crap it fuckin sucked j lo is such a slut 1 stars
9/18/03 Mark86 Lol, ben and j-lo suck ass! 1 stars
9/12/03 Joe This sucked 1 stars
9/06/03 Gigli the one wh made this movie has down's syndorme 1 stars
9/02/03 Serge Rodnunsky I couldn't make a movie this bad if I tried. 1 stars
9/02/03 Dawn Would have been less offensive if cast members just had one giant circle jerk. 1 stars
9/02/03 Vinnie people who liked this movie should have their eyeballs gauged out! 1 stars
9/01/03 robbie keane bad 1 stars
8/30/03 Cat B. it sucked 1 stars
8/30/03 Redpajammas thid gilm sucked 1 stars
8/23/03 steven spielberg worst film? have you seen Star Wars? What was Lucas thinking? 1 stars
8/22/03 MiMi Stinkie 1 stars
8/21/03 Mike H. I *have* to give it at least one star?! No fair! 1 stars
8/20/03 Crocface If only it wasn't such bloody nonsense 1 stars
8/19/03 nr crap 1 stars
8/19/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Not anywhere as bad as the media hype say it is. 4 stars
8/18/03 adam it's turkey time! gobble gobble! ROFLMAO!! 1 stars
8/17/03 h crap 1 stars
8/16/03 punjab complete and total fucking piss 1 stars
8/15/03 MEEE crap 1 stars
8/15/03 Collin Time Ofr The Carears Of Mr. Aflec And Bimbo Extrodinaire J-Lo To Crash And Burn, 1 stars
8/15/03 john atty The end of Ben and Jen 1 stars
8/14/03 JJ from da block JLo's ass is jigli, that's bout all that's gigli bout this crud 1 stars
8/12/03 Joey A pile of dog shit 1 stars
8/11/03 meathole The dump I took this morning had far more symbolism and intrigue 1 stars
8/11/03 snowconehead The best things about empty theaters are the blowjobs. Remember that, kids. 1 stars
8/10/03 hjhj horrible 1 stars
8/08/03 pedro andino shitty movie for 2003 1 stars
8/08/03 not impressed. will j lo be able to restart her career after this 1? 1 stars
8/08/03 Patrick Bateman Absolute shash 1 stars
8/07/03 BAD horrible 1 stars
8/07/03 The main man Holy Crap somebody open the window . That was just foul 1 stars
8/07/03 asina I hope Ben and J. Lo die....Now, what's this about a movie??? 1 stars
8/07/03 Chrys lordis perdifida, we could wish you unborn. but we can only wish. 1 stars
8/06/03 Kasandra M This is the worst film with TWO big asses in it, both being Jennifer Lopez 1 stars
8/06/03 jholler Fame = money = scam the fans 1 stars
8/06/03 Sarah H. I was once a fan of both Ben & J-Lo... Now I'm Not! 1 stars
8/06/03 John Davis A collosal POS 1 stars
8/06/03 Jet Stinks! 1 stars
8/06/03 JJ from da block JLo's jigglin ass was the only thing worth lookin at 1 stars
8/06/03 lordis perdifida i laughed a little, and cried a little. what more can you wish for? 5 stars
8/06/03 Michael M. Worst film ever! 1 stars
8/05/03 Lorenz Esguerra The worst movie of 2003! Ben and Jen shouldn't star together in a movie again. 1 stars
8/05/03 Collin Compared To This Jason X Looks Like A Contender For Best Picture AtThe Oscars 1 stars
8/05/03 Uncle Salty J.Lo is a fucking pig no matter what Entertainment tonight says. 1 stars
8/04/03 Rocky I'd rather watch BenniferJ. Afflo clawing it's way out of a burning car 1 stars
8/04/03 Michael Wilson Can't wait for it to come out on dvd so that I won't buy it there either. 1 stars
8/04/03 Boat Fuck a manatee with a long sharp pole. It's just like watching this movie. 1 stars
8/04/03 Peter Good God 1 stars
8/04/03 JJ from da block J.Lo's jigglin ass is the only good thing 2 stars
8/04/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Bad, but not as bad as people make it seem. Lara Croft was worse. 2 stars
8/04/03 Jim Holy Horrific Movie Batman! 1 stars
8/03/03 m I snuck into this movie and I still feel ripped off. 1 stars
8/03/03 Kia Ora I've seen better film on teeth. 1 stars
8/03/03 pokesmot I saw this movie stoned and it still sucked 1 stars
8/03/03 Chrys Ben asslick should be fucking terminated 1 stars
8/03/03 Raquchie Macacho It was a loss of my precious time and my money. It was SHITTY that Jennifer played a Lesbo. 1 stars
8/03/03 your worst goddamn nightmare c'mon guys, it wasn't that bad, I onlu ralphed twice... 1 stars
8/02/03 gibbons 5 minutes of material stretched out into two hours never works. 1 stars
8/02/03 Darrin Silverman G should be its grade. An "F" is too high 1 stars
8/02/03 Ash The commercials were so painful I will never go to a theater again!! 1 stars
8/02/03 Stephen P. Robertson This was worse than losing $10.00 in a washing machine at a laundramat! 1 stars
8/02/03 Atanu why did eric snider had to upgrade it to crappy?? 1 stars
8/02/03 Matt I hate Bennifer! 1 stars
8/02/03 Asshat A cinematic masterpiece, the likes of which we haven't seen since "Swept Away". 1 stars
8/02/03 Double G krap 1 stars
8/01/03 Xaivier SInclaire H-ly Sh-t I want my money back and someone please shoot me, this movie SUCKS 1 stars
8/01/03 BAD aweful 1 stars
8/01/03 Jennifer Botello HORRIBLE! I left the movie confused, annoyed, and aggrevated. I hated it. Dont watch it!!!! 1 stars
8/01/03 Brian It burns! My eyes!!! Ahhhhhh!!! 1 stars
8/01/03 Earl Dittman - Wireless Magazine It's Ben Asslick and Jenny from the Cock...what did you expect, Space Monkeys? Art?? 1 stars
8/01/03 gman this cocksmoking movie lasts about as long as J.Lo's and Affleck's impending marriage... 1 stars
8/01/03 Brian yet another horrble lopez film. it'll make undeserved millions of dollars... 1 stars
8/01/03 Lori Donnelly 2 hours of my life I'll never get back! 1 stars
8/01/03 Gerry Fleck Jlo and Ben Asshack suck my balls....and so did this piece of shit flick 1 stars
7/31/03 Todd J-lo is a not talent, tone deaf, jug butt. Ben is a pussy. The movie? Worse than Hitler. 1 stars
7/30/03 Uncle Salty TemJ-Fleck Blame their fame, I blame the INSURMOUNTABLE AWFULNESS OF THIS STEAMER! 1 stars
7/29/03 Vanessa The most shadowy movies this summer that tries to be something it's not -- a good movie 1 stars
7/28/03 Jason Absolutely terrible 1 stars
7/28/03 dave jlo is hot. this movie is not. 1 stars
7/24/03 Mike Radlif Won tickets for preview. Walked out after about an hour. Not the worst movie, but close. 1 stars
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  01-Aug-2003 (R)



Directed by
  Martin Brest

Written by
  Martin Brest

  Ben Affleck
  Jennifer Lopez
  Al Pacino
  Christopher Walken
  Justin Bartha
  Lenny Venito

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