by David Cornelius
“My Baby’s Daddy” is every bit as idiotic as it looks, even more, if that’s possible, and the only reason to sit through this one is if your religion requires you to suffer as a way of atoning for some past sin.It also has Eddie Griffin in it. Eddie Griffin is nature’s sign to stay away from a movie, like a pattern on a butterfly’s wings informs a hungry bird that the butterfly is in fact poinsonous and not to be touched. After all this man has given us in the past, anyone willing to sit through yet another of Griffin’s films deserves what he gets.
"Finally, a comedy for people who don't like laughing."
This time out, Griffin plays a nerd named Lonnie. He is a nerd because he wears big glasses and has buck teeth, only sometimes he’s not a nerd, and sometimes he is. Don’t ask; continuity would be the least of my requests for this movie. My top request would be closing credits, but no, they’re a cool 86 minutes away.
Anyway, Lonnie and best buds G (Anthony Anderson) and Dom (Michael Imperioli) live together in bachelor bliss. Lonnie’s dream woman is Rolanda (Paula Jai Parker), a skank ho who uses Lonnie for crack money. Dom is a ladies’ man and a successful record producer, and why he’s still living in a craphole with his buddies instead of in his own swank pad is not clear. Meanwhile, G is dating a Chinese gal (Bai Ling) whose family includes people named Sing Sing, Bling Bling, and Cha Ching, because hey, when’s the last time we’ve seen Asian actors reduced to such blatant sterotypes and cruel, lame attempts at comedy? (I am not lying when I tell you that the girlfriend tells G, “You had me at herro,” and that’s meant to be a punchline, and that’s not the only time the “R” for “L” comment is made into a joke. Boy, aren’t them wacky Chinese accents hilarious?)
One day, the boys are informed that they’re all soon to be daddies; Rolanda and Ming Ming (or Po Po or whatever horribly offensive name they gave Bai Ling; I blocked it from memory) are pregnant, as is Nia (Joanna Bacalso), Dom’s hottie coworker. The six attend a few birthing classes, where we get plenty of inexplicable fart jokes, and then whaddya know, they all give birth at the same time. By the way, the birth scenes are the same woman-screaming-for-drugs jokes that stopped being clever decades ago, only this time they play the Salt-N-Pepa song “Push It,” ha ha.
Oh, in case none of this is idiotic enough, we get the following exchange:
G: “He’s got a big thing!!”
Bling Bling: “That’s an umbilical cord.”
Someone, somewhere, thought this was funny enough to include in a major motion picture. Oh, the humantiy.
Skip ahead six months. Dom and G haven’t bothered to see their kids in all this time, although Lonnie’s been a decent dad, saving his baby from having Rolanda feed him Jolt Cola, ha ha again. Then they all get slammed with babysitting duty, and that’s when they realize that they want to be good fathers. So they learn to prepare bottles, change diapers, etc. Only it’s still not enough; following an incident in which all three babies escape the house unseen, and another in which G’s dopey criminal cousin (Method Man) holds up a baby store, then they realize that being a man means being a good father.You know what? Screw this movie. Screw the cast, screw the producers, screw everyone who thought it would be a good idea to make this film. It’s offensive, unfunny, badly acted, badly written, badly directed, and remarkably, outstandingly, disturbingly stupid. Its characters are assholes and idiots, and watching them in action is an unpleasant chore. There’s not a single entertaining moment in the entire film. I hated every insipid frame of this insipid film. Hundreds of classic films get lost to decay every year. I say let’s trade off. Restore and preserve the oldies onto digital film and DVD, and in their place put “My Baby’s Daddy” on cheap nitrate stock, so we can watch it rot.
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originally posted: 02/25/05 02:00:18