Ah yes, back in 1993, the wishes of several horny teenage guys and senior adults finally came true when Madonna finally bared it all in this film, Body of Evidence. And not only that, it went on to establish yet another example of why Madonna is undeniably one of the worst actresses EVER in Hollywood. Not only that, this film also provides the largest single waste of acting talent this reviewer has ever seen, besides the waste of a potentially good director, a waste of good Dino De Laurentis money, all adding up to be one of the most wasteful pieces of garbage ever made, only noteworthy because of Madonna showing us her stuff.Lawyer Frank Dulaney (Willem Dafoe) gets assigned the case of Rebecca Carlson (Madonna) a beautiful vixen accused of murdering his old, heart-weakened rich lover Andrew Marsh (Michael Forrest); how? Having sex with him and making him inhale cocaine too, without him noticing it. The prosecuting attorney Robert Garrett (Joe Mantenga) starts arranging for the case, which includes bringing a key witness, Marsh’s secretary Joanne Braslow (Anne Archer), all based on Rebecca's sex life. Dulaney doesn’t doubt Rebecca’s innocence; hell, it’s more than enough to go and have an affair with her unbeknownst to his wife Sharon (Julianne Moore), a restaurant manager. And while the affair goes on, and evidence pops up, he begins to doubt Rebecca’s innocence.
"Madonna’s tits and ass can’t save this lackluster bomb"
Ok, this film is simply nothing else but a cash-in of all the fame that Basic Instinct left before it, in fact if it weren’t for the ice pick and the reversing of guilt of the girl, you could actually call it a Basic Instinct rip-off: a dead guy, kinky sex, a wannabe clever but ultimately stupid script, blond and dangerous girl, and a brunette going along for the ride. And that’s pretty much what this film shows. A script that tries to be clever and tries to pull a wool over your eyes so you can be distracted (and get off in the process) from figuring out the final twist, only that it forgets to cover several contrivances and a couple of plot holes that are as big enough as the two holes in Madonna’s ass. I mean, Frank Dulaney doesn’t doubt the innocence of Rebecca, and of course he doesn’t. Hell, he didn’t doubt the innocence of the other four criminals he defended in a row, why isn’t he going to doubt Rebecca’s innocence? So much is his belief on her client’s innocence that he just throws legal ethics by the window and starts fucking her. Jesus Christ, what a fucking tool. Hell, some of the sex scenes are laughable as they are stupid: Having candle wax poured on me is not exactly my kind of entertainment, much less having my back lying on shreds of light bulb glass. The courtroom scenes are laughable, and you got to be dumber than a 5 year old retard not to notice the contradictions that are present in the testimony of Dr. Alan Paley (Jurgen Prochnow), which along with the obvious framing of Joanna is enough to give the whole goddamn twist away. The scene in which the judge orders the courtroom to be cleared is actually hilarious when it should be a device of helping the “shocking” statements by the witnesses. The dialogue is flat and full of laughable quotes (the “have you seen animals make love” speech) that it’s just embarrassing. In other words, the screenplay is such a piece of shit that it makes Basic Instinct look like a classic in modern cinema. Brad Mirman, may you burn in Screenwriter Hell for this.
Director Uli Edel is completely lost in the movie, since he doesn’t know what the hell to do with the script, and the only thing left for him is just to rely on the sex scenes (nicely shot BTW, a little more and it would be straightforward porn, which would’ve been even better) and the overacting of his actors to control the rest of the movie, which of course, is never going to happen. And since his direction is completely straightforward and all textbook with no innovations, the film is nothing more than a dull, predictable, and atrocious pile of garbage. This film destroyed Uli’s career, and Dino De Laurentis’s career as a producer is as reminiscent as to Robert Evans’s producing career; lots of shit and a handful of quality films.
The acting department deserves to be shot here. I mean, look at the fucking names in the movie; with such talent present here, you may at least expect some great acting. Instead, you get some of the worst examples of overacting ever. First off, I must say that I’d pay money to see the Material Girl showing all her material and getting humped. The only thing that I wouldn’t pay money for is to see this talentless bitch trying to show me that she can act. Well, saying that Madonna can’t act is pretty much a cliche in its own right; but unfortunately that happens to be the truth, because SHE FUCKING STINKS! She’s not an actress, she’s a fucking tree, and I can’t for the life of me can’t believe that to this very day she keeps getting work. Jesus Christ, Hollywood, are you really that fucking bone-headed? God damn it man, someone should write a letter to Madonna saying “Do not show up to any studio asking for any part whatsoever other than porn, otherwise you will be shot.” But since we know Madonna can’t act worth a shit, it would be unfair to cite her as the worst of the whole department. Ok, she is, but let’s see how the true actors did in this film. They did terrible: Willem Dafoe is hands-down the worst of the “true actor” bunch, overacting like hell (You fucking sandbagged me!) and giving out unquestionably the worst performance of his career. The same goes for Anne Archer, whom is nothing but a block of wood here, and this film would become the death knell for her career from which she hasn’t fully recovered so far. You know, I always thought of Joe Mantenga being one of the most underrated actors in history. He’s like James Woods, great actor, poor choice of movies. Mantenga is on autopilot here, but he’s easily the best of the bunch, which it isn’t saying much. Do yourself a favor Joe, fire you agent ASAP. The same can almost be said for Jurgen Prochnow, who is crap here, since he spends most of his screen time trying to cover his German accent, and another bad movie into his resume list. Julianne Moore wasn’t that big of a name back then, and she simply did a rookie mistake for signing on this trash bag. Though she overacts like hell here, her turn is memorable since she has sex with Dafoe, pretty much a sign of things to come (Boogie Nights and End of the Affair anyone?), and compared to the rest of the cast, she would actually survive this and go on to better things. You go, Julia! The rest of the cast was dull.In the end, the only reason why you would actually rent (and god forbid, buy) this inexcusable piece of shit is to see Madonna naked (plus the bonus of seeing Julianne More naked), and I wouldn’t blame you because, who wouldn’t? The only problem is that you have to sit through 99 minutes of shit in order to get what you get. There’s a reason why the internet exists, and if you’re intelligent, you’ll use it, and avoid this stupid film. Believe me, you’ll be saving yourself from nights of hell. 1-5
link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=8572&reviewer=235
originally posted: 01/31/04 21:13:06