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14 reviews, 181 user ratings

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Jurassic Park III
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by Andrew Howe

"Age has wearied them"
2 stars

In 1999 I wrote a lengthy review of The Lost World, and believe me when I say that it wasn’t pretty. I used the phrases “unbridled cynicism” and “cheerless, heartless monstrosity” indiscriminately, I took the hatchet to the film’s politically correct undertones with the maniacal glee of a French gunboat captain with a Greenpeace sloop in his sights, and I chastised Spielberg for his involvement in that malignant pile of pterodactyl guano with the fervour of a tent-show preacher.

Given the callous nature of my diatribe, it’s no surprise that I approached Jurassic Park III with a certain measure of trepidation. If, however, you’re waiting for me to follow that statement with the revelation that I actually enjoyed it, then I’m only too pleased to disappoint you – JPIII is another mindless retread of the original, but its formulaic mediocrity is nowhere near as irritating as The Lost World’s jaw-dropping stupidity. They’re both candidates for the trash can, but while Spielberg’s effort enraged me, Joe Johnston’s opus merely evokes yet another sigh of weary resignation.

For the benefit of anyone who still cares, I present the following plot synopsis: a band of foolhardy souls crash-land on dinosaur island and spend the next ninety minutes running, screaming and feeding the animals with their entrails. There’s a kid whose survival instinct puts the adults to shame, a couple of city slickers who spend most of the film acting like they’re on a day-trip to Disneyland, a platoon of vicious raptors, a monumental act of idiocy by one of the team that places everyone’s life in danger, and please stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

I am not a scriptwriter (a fact which those who disagree with my views like to point out with monotonous regularity), but I could offer a half-dozen story ideas that would have been infinitely more entertaining than the one Peter Buchman, Alexander Payne, and Jim Taylor concocted (and since the latter two were responsible for the critically-acclaimed Election, I can only assume that the quality of Tom Perotta’s source novel disguised their affinity for dross). I’m still waiting for the pitched battle between heavily-armed adventurers and blood-crazed carnivores that The Lost World promised but never delivered, and letting a couple of hundred murderous reptiles loose on a modern metropolis holds a certain appeal (provided it’s performed with considerably more panache than Spielberg’s folly). What we don’t need is another round of “spot the difference”, especially when said differences amount to nothing more than the revelation that raptors can communicate with each other and the introduction of a new king of the jungle to gnaw on the supporting characters (“meet the new boss, same as the old boss”).

I’m not sure if I’m simply suffering from CGI-overload, but the dinosaurs in JPIII actually appear less realistic than their decade-old predecessors. Given that Starship Troopers has already shown us how it’s done, the failure of the technical wizards to live up to their reputations is inexplicable, and anyone hoping for a dose of whiz-bang special effects to liven things up is in for a rude awakening.

Despite the fact that every major actor in the film knows that they’ve sold themselves short, the performances are surprisingly digestible. Playing self-centred bastards is Sam Neill’s stock-in-trade, and he’s a pleasure to watch as he needles his companions while exhibiting a total lack of concern for their wellbeing (the script stops short of having him throw a dismissive “told ya so” in the direction of someone’s mortal remains, but you wouldn’t put it past him). Trevor Morgan is nowhere near as annoying as you might expect as the Lord of the Flies wannabe, Michael Jeter assays another likeable loser, and William H. Macy proves, once again, that he possesses an uncanny ability to rise above even the most underwritten role. Only Téa Leoni (a.k.a. the poor woman’s Sharon Stone) fails to evoke the slightest measure of interest, though to be fair her character is so irritating that visualising her violent death will amuse many viewers during the script’s regular bouts of stagnation.

And that, unfortunately, is the film’s death warrant – while its brief running-time is a recipe for non-stop action, none of it is particularly involving. The characters are either marked for death from an early stage or damn-near indestructible, which defuses what little tension the script manages to whip up; the pleasure of discovery which made the original film such an unforgettable experience is unavoidably lost by the third; memorable characters, dialogue and relationships are nowhere to be found; and the violence is, as usual, tailored to a PG audience.

I’d be lying if I said that the film doesn’t have its moments – an unusual method of telegraphing the arrival of the heir to the T-Rex’s throne is inspired, and introduces the only set piece that had me pinned to my seat – but every aspect of its production reeks of cynicism, and anyone who would content themselves with squeezing the final tasteless drops from a cash cow deserves little recognition and even less praise.

I don’t believe that a single person reading this review was expecting to be pleasantly surprised by JPIII, and when you’re preaching to the converted it’s best to keep the sermon brief. I will therefore take my leave, and direct everyone still awake to include a ban on future sequels in their nightly prayers. If God was capable of wiping out the dinosaurs, stamping out their revival shouldn't be too much to ask.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=899&reviewer=193
originally posted: 09/03/01 07:13:14
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User Comments

9/12/17 morris campbell cool the dinosaurs still impress 4 stars
9/23/14 Anees Shaik Just Perfect - Fan of Dinosaurs 5 stars
5/09/13 Gman This film deserves no stars. Its abysmal, and it insults the fans of the first two! 1 stars
5/08/13 Mr. DNA I would've like this movie if it weren't for the stupid plot holes, and lame SFX. 1 stars
2/08/13 Kcaj Fun to watch. The subplot of billy and grant being gay was a bit unneccesary though 4 stars
10/30/11 Jon Horrible. It felt like a TV show, but it was worse because this is supposed to be a movie. 1 stars
1/12/11 Matt Stilwell Nowhere near as bad as everyone says it is. I really like it. 4 stars
8/10/10 Chad Dillon Cooper Another Hostess Twinkie from the Hollywood bakery. 2 stars
8/02/08 Shaun Wallner This movie has some great scenes in it. 5 stars
7/13/08 Samantha Harding Its was AWESOME its so vilent but not as vilent as 2. 5 stars
6/21/08 Bob makl It Wasint that bad, considering fucky other sequels 4 stars
5/22/08 Naveed not bad. atleast it helped me 2gain some knowledge about dinosaurs 3 stars
5/14/08 Abrar Ahmed 3deaths back2back??shud hav been random.M eagr 4JP-4 Mr.Spielberg wit better story dis time 3 stars
1/12/08 nosipho I THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS SO NICE 4 stars
10/23/07 Beau I thought this sequel had everthing! great action, suspense, unpridictable and enjoyable!! 5 stars
8/22/07 raheema excellent iloved it 5 stars
8/02/07 itchmr underestimated because it was a third release in the franchise, the performances were solid 4 stars
7/30/07 Seisomsaur Stanley Thai is right, better than #2, but not #1. Fun to watch. 4 stars
7/30/07 Dr.Dino A great addition to Jurassic Park franchise. 5 stars
7/28/07 GWolf The only Jurassic Park Monster Movie 2 stars
7/28/07 Dinoslayer Good for entertainment, free of expression. For other words, a caramel covered air pocket. 3 stars
4/22/07 David Risser One of the top 20 movies I have ever seen. Highly recomended 5 stars
4/01/07 Stanley Thai Better than the second film (not the first) and a great popcorn flick! 4 stars
2/24/07 justine i like to watch jurassic park 1 5 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Still a good creature feature flick. 4 stars
1/21/07 del Better than 2 (which was bad, too), but still just one big "Meh..." 3 stars
1/15/07 David Pollastrini not as good as the first two 4 stars
11/11/06 Austin Wertman NOT AS GOOD AS THE FIRST TWO, BUT STILL ALOT OF FUN 4 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist Worst of the 3, but still watchable& at least 1/2 way decent. 3 stars
6/27/06 joe koski its good but not as good as jurassic park 1 3 stars
4/21/06 Jack Excitingly great 5 stars
3/11/06 Sam The ending could have been better, but still a solid flick 5 stars
3/09/06 Dk the weakest in the trilogy and the stupidest to 2 stars
1/02/06 Anthony Feor Not as bad as you would think 4 stars
12/21/05 cody a good sequel better than part 2 , great dino action and fun ride from beginning to end 4 stars
10/10/05 Wisamane what a Horribly made Plot! Not worthy of the JP name!! 1 stars
8/10/05 ES The dinos were great, love that T-rex fight 4 stars
7/25/05 Mark Radburn Jurassic Park 3 is the Greatest movie ever 5 stars
7/21/05 jada movie was HORRIBLE! but whenever i need a good laugh, i re-read DokBrowne's review. 1 stars
5/27/05 Quigley pretty good action and great digital effects, but the plot was as cardboard as the lost kid 4 stars
5/26/05 tony t-rex dead?(don't get it). Sometimes very predictible and very slow. But pretty good anyway 4 stars
5/25/05 Lindsay Dude, that is SO funny. I agree with u, though u have opinion issues, ur hilarious!! 1 stars
5/19/05 Luke BlackAdder Anyone who does not like this film are assholes, Jurassic Park 3 is a must-see 5 stars
5/09/05 I don't know very interesting 5 stars
4/26/05 moviesamurai nothing new-just a slightly new plot 2 stars
4/22/05 John carelessly made cash in on a franchise name 1 stars
3/18/05 Tyrantis In a Batman movie, you don't kill Batman. In Jurassic Park, YOU DON'T KILL THE REX! 1 stars
1/26/05 Aaron Smith Not as good as first, but whole lot better than Lost World 3 stars
12/24/04 John lifeless, predicatble and flat, if it wasn't for the pterodactyles it would be horrendous 2 stars
11/20/04 Mark Jurassic Park 3 rules 5 stars
11/19/04 screb liked it 4 stars
8/26/04 American Slasher Goddess A boring retread, that does nothing new with the series 2 stars
8/01/04 Anthony G One of the dumbest movies ever, makes pee wee hermans playhouse look like the best movie ev 5 stars
7/18/04 Benjamin Petrofsky What?! T.Rex conquered? In your dreams! Movie was good anyway. 4 stars
6/13/04 Craig The ending sucked, the rest is at least somewhat worthy of the series. 4 stars
6/11/04 Raymond Lee what a ride 5 stars
6/10/04 Daveman An entertaining improvement over the second film but still nowhere near as fun as the first 3 stars
6/09/04 Evan just thought i'd annoy everyone 4 stars
5/16/04 Jack Bourbon Entertaining B-shlock 4 stars
5/15/04 somewhere As Bad as the 2nd one 1 stars
5/08/04 hef liked 1 & 2, hated 3 1 stars
5/05/04 J.Peckerfoot what a pile of dino shit. i loved the first and even the second.no thanks #3! 2 stars
4/09/04 American Slasher Goddess The worst of the series,boringly bland. 2 stars
3/29/04 Michelle It's the reviewer who is pretty bad, not the movie! 5 stars
3/18/04 Umbrella Corporation. PLZ! LET PART 4 BE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3 stars
3/16/04 The Dude This movie sucks my ass. 1 stars
2/28/04 DM Should have stopped with the first one 1 stars
2/06/04 c.r This movie is better than part 2 and love any dinosaur movie! 3 stars
1/21/04 Joe BLANK one who enjoys this film must be one who has the word enjoy mistaken for it's antonym. 1 stars
10/06/03 KYLE HE GUYS WHATSUP 5 stars
5/27/03 Tom JP3 Better than #2? Are you out of your mind? The movie is Terrible. 1 stars
4/25/03 BILLY This should have been called Jurassic Shit 1 stars
4/10/03 Jack Bourbon Not bad. Keeps it short and simple. Should have sent more characters to JP to die, though 3 stars
3/29/03 Ionicera painful to sit through 1 stars
2/23/03 Paul What a 180 million box office joke... 1 stars
2/19/03 Matthew Jones Great Dinos. Spinosaurus is real, dumbass (this to reviewer Slyder) hope they make #4! 4 stars
2/11/03 spacecowboy stupid. 3 stars
2/06/03 Turtle JP3 is better than #2, but doesn't touch #1. It ain't gonna win any awards, but it's fun. 4 stars
1/29/03 Bob Josephine SUCKE FUCKING DICK! HATE IT 1 stars
12/17/02 C.reeves A great movie in the Jurassic series. 4 stars
11/26/02 Evil Cartman This movie sucks all ass! Die Tea, DIE!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
11/08/02 Stevo Best of the series, dumbass but thrilling. The genius raptors are still ridiculous though. 4 stars
9/28/02 CVJ CRAP 1 stars
9/01/02 movie guy THE BEST JURASSIC PARK EVER 5 stars
8/19/02 jurassiraptor Made just for the fans, and loved by the fans. Perfect movie; better than all competition 5 stars
8/17/02 Zefram Mann Pointless movie. Kid was a boy Newt. BTW, the Spinasaurous is a REAL dino. RESEARCH MAN!!! 3 stars
8/15/02 Shaun while the movie was rushed without a script, its fun in its B-Movie way, gets the job done 4 stars
8/13/02 palaboy101 better than "The Lost World" 4 stars
6/13/02 Film Guy what the shit is this A raptor saying Alan I almost lost it . What an insult to the 1st 1 stars
5/18/02 Jon Artus Could only be made worse by Jeff Goldblum in a polka-dot bikini. 1 stars
5/14/02 Blake THIS ONE GOES ON TOP, NON-STOP ACTION! 5 stars
3/11/02 Monday Morning The feelgood film of the new millennium. Eat me! 4 stars
3/05/02 Jenny Tullwartz Possibly best in series. Good to see Sam Neill back; too bad Laura D has only a cameo. 5 stars
3/01/02 Unagiboy This franchise continues to entertain me. The cell phone scene was hilarious. 4 stars
2/22/02 Monday Morning Solid entertainment. What's wrong with that? 4 stars
2/20/02 Xaver Boring. Tiring. The same ol' same ol'. 2 stars
1/02/02 Turtle After a second (more relaxed) viewing, I like it much better. Nice popcorn flick. 4 stars
12/20/01 OSVALDO pepin 1 stars
12/15/01 BoBo This movie sucks all ass! Die Tea, DIE!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
12/07/01 Waylon Roundtree A vicious misstep. 2 stars
11/24/01 travis i love all the jpmovies.cannot wait till jp4 comes out 5 stars
10/16/01 Mr. Hat (formerly Joe Zappa) It's pretty cool, but only 2 or 3 people got eaten! I'm angry! 4 stars
10/16/01 Kieran Belshaw Not too bad, better than the second , nothing on the first. 4 stars
10/04/01 Evil Bitchwoman its so boring, Spielberg has overdone the whole JP thing. No plot, crap acting. SHIT 1 stars
10/02/01 Kirk Shouldn't those people have figured out how to stay away by now? 4 stars
10/01/01 Phoenix In a B-Movie way, JPIII delivers the goods. 4 stars
9/27/01 aurora pathetic plot, the end would have served better at the begining 1 stars
9/25/01 Shane Robert Myers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was good but Speilberg shoud've wrote the script for god sack and something has evolved! 4 stars
9/25/01 viking At least it's better than the Lost World 3 stars
9/20/01 Trunks This movie rocked but needed some extra spice to make it perfect. 5 stars
9/15/01 Connoisseur I loved the first two dino flicks, but this was way too short! There's no Climax! 3 stars
9/14/01 CHU SENG POONG Watchable but been there done that. 3 stars
9/12/01 D'Morph nice dino's, really dumb plot. couldve been alot better 3 stars
9/10/01 Bront what a crock of shit.... what have they done 2 stars
9/09/01 RJ Ludwig An interesting new feeling to an otherwise effects orientated series 4 stars
9/04/01 L. Iulius Very exciting, better then Lost World, they dinosaurs look better with each movie. 5 stars
9/03/01 G-flat total boredom, hardly a single exciting moment 2 stars
9/03/01 travis robertson stephen spilberg shouldconsiderstartingoverfreshnexttime.jp3wasalrightiguess 4 stars
8/26/01 Gracy Lionheart Pointless movie. I could not have cared less about the characters...have seen worse though 2 stars
8/22/01 The Boy In The Designer Bubble Can't the geniuses of Hollywood write something new once in a while? 3 stars
8/21/01 Metallica What a waste of my fucking afternoon 1 stars
8/20/01 I love movies wait for video even if you loved the first two, way too short and silly, music was awful! 3 stars
8/18/01 Matt Jackson Good movie but the ending was BAD! plot was thin but what did you expect? 4 stars
8/18/01 Babybelle Keep the dinos. Dump the humans. 3 stars
8/17/01 Matthew Bartley Like it's been edited together from cut scenes from the other two 3 stars
8/16/01 jack d'skdskds' 1 stars
8/15/01 Brad Mantz sweet 4 stars
8/13/01 Bueller Been there, done that! Great special effects, but we expect that from JP. Very contrived. 3 stars
8/12/01 Matt The storyline was : theres a dinosaur run! repeat ,repeat,etc.END 2 stars
8/11/01 fg pretty predictable but entertaining 4 stars
8/11/01 Dakamus It's odd that the summer's best comedy is this movie. I laughed the entire way through! 4 stars
8/09/01 keith langman forget plot and characters and everything important...just adventure fun 4 stars
8/08/01 surreyman If only the humans could act as well as the dinosaurs 1 stars
8/08/01 Franky Tea Leoni's the most frightening thing about this sleep aid. 1 stars
8/06/01 Mr. Hat (formerly Joe Zappa) Mix of the 1st 2:It's bright&adventurousANDit'sdark&rainy.But only3 people died!I'm pissed! 4 stars
8/05/01 ted v. good movie! almost as good as the first one, definitely BETTER than The Lost World! 5 stars
8/05/01 E-Funk Far superior to Spielberg's lame-ass sequel...but that's not saying much. 3 stars
8/03/01 Kimble much better than the 2nd and only a little bit away from the first 5 stars
8/03/01 Heike Schneider-Büsing "Even the dinosaurs were bored! 2 stars
8/03/01 Joe D no words 1 stars
7/31/01 mike crap 1 stars
7/31/01 Aaron movie kinda sucks 1 stars
7/30/01 Darren Shea JP3 was much more entertaining than Lost World, but that's not saying much... 4 stars
7/30/01 Katherine Perry It was much better than I was 'critic-ally' prepared for. 4 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho Great main character, small lousy supporting cast, no build up, no suspence and no payoff. 3 stars
7/28/01 mike the first is still the best, but this was awesome (the spinosaurus kicked ass) 5 stars
7/27/01 S.Coppa Good summer thriller, but definately not as good as the 1st on 4 stars
7/27/01 Turtle I saw this at the drive-in, and it was a huge waste of that big screen. 3 stars
7/26/01 Fish Eye Besides the FX, this movie sucks. The story is fucking lame! 2 stars
7/26/01 mkillroy Same ol same ol 3 stars
7/24/01 Zantetsuken My ass hurt after watching this movie, and not because it fell asleep. 1 stars
7/24/01 John Travolta I'm not in this movie but it still sucks all ass. 1 stars
7/24/01 Chris Cheng If you loved the first, hated the second, you wil want to kill yourself after seeing JP3. 1 stars
7/23/01 Chip S. Ahoy Fuck me in the ass! I can't believe they made it so pathetic and stupid 1 stars
7/23/01 Obi Wan Give this an R rating already!!! I wanna see blood and more dinosaur blood. 4 stars
7/23/01 jada i waited for this!? i went in not expecting much and got even less. 2 stars
7/22/01 Jim Kidd Loved it! It scared the crap out of me cause we were in the THX theatre, and it was loud! 5 stars
7/22/01 benjamin.leatherman Blecch! Jurassic Krap! 1 stars
7/22/01 RazorDog Near the end a baby started crying in the theater... I felt the same. 2 stars
7/20/01 John Torres Thank god Julia Roberts is not in this fx!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 stars
7/20/01 Roy Smith Great FX but that's it. Predictable as a Jason/Freddie movie. 2 stars
7/20/01 Rich Cirivilleri Most clever use of a cellphone onscreen i've seen in weeks! 4 stars
7/20/01 Moazzam Saleem Take my advice ... Watch Jurassic Park 1 all over again. It would still be more entertainin 1 stars
7/19/01 keith langman a good thrill ride 3 stars
7/19/01 Joe D Ishtar 3 : The Jurassic Period! 1 stars
7/19/01 David Sanchez I think Steven Spielburg did a better job Producing the movie than just Directing. 5 stars
7/19/01 Jurrasic bomb! This movie was a let down. Great FX, movie ruined by bad acting, no plot. 2 stars
7/19/01 Obi Wan Good...but for JP4 could we bring more victims to the park and add an R rating to this!!!!! 5 stars
7/19/01 Jeff Billy should be dead. He was ripped apart by pterodactyls, there's no way he survived 4 stars
7/19/01 Wolvie Visually impressive, but weak on plot. 3 stars
7/19/01 Hotaine Take the cutting-room-floor parts from JP1, splice 'em together, and voila! JP3! 2 stars
7/19/01 dwiggs um...hello? this was the sorriest movie ive seen in years. what a stain on the jp name. 1 stars
7/19/01 malcolm pale imitation of 1st two. i've seen it all before. 2 stars
7/19/01 Islandspud Good but a little short. A lot of potential left out 4 stars
7/19/01 bullit17 If Michael Crichton were to see this, he'd drop dead and roll over. Dino-sucks. 2 stars
7/19/01 Sexy Loser Vincent I think it was a fun movie...beter than the 2nd yet not as classic or smart as the OG!! 4 stars
7/18/01 J Not bad. Unsuprisingly better than the 2nd movie but suprisingly better than the original. 3 stars
7/18/01 Hobbes Just like the first squel, with out all that messy "plot" 1 stars
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  18-Jul-2001 (PG-13)
  DVD: 29-Nov-2005


  30-Aug-2001 (PG)

Directed by
  Joe Johnston

Written by
  Peter Buchman
  Alexander Payne
  Jim Taylor

  Sam Neill
  William H. Macy
  Téa Leoni
  John Diehl
  Michael Jeter
  Laura Dern

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