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Overall Rating
2.13

Awesome: 7.06%
Worth A Look: 15.34%
Just Average: 10.12%
Pretty Crappy: 18.4%
Sucks49.08%

16 reviews, 230 user ratings


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Van Helsing
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Marc Kandel

"I have a black, black hatred for this flick."
1 stars

I hate this swill so much I can taste it in the back of my throat, behind my eyes, deep, deep in my balls. Trying to stay awake and pick out some kind of entertainment value was excruciating. Ok, not Turkish prison excruciating, but c’mon- anyone on this site knows what its like to try and get through a truly Abominable. Odious. Flick. I can’t even call this a movie, much less a film- it’s a flick-- as in I stuck my finger in my nose, pulled it out, and gave what was on it a flick.

I can barely even do a regular review. It’s almost pointless- I would have dig deep, deep, within to find a plot, characters, anything- this is a goddam mess, so I’m going to treat it like the goddam mess it is and do my best to clean house. After all, why should I take the time to form a structured, plotted intelligent review when the guy who puts the Duuuh and Wreck in director Stephen Sommers couldn’t be bothered to create a film that had ANY SINGLE ONE of those traits? Fuckwad. Fuckwad Hack. I’m gonna take a page from the Arabian justice system and cut your goddam hands off so you never lay your filthy hands on characters I enjoy ever again. Even Abbott and Costello treated these monsters with more dignity. You think not? Watch that one again- believe me, it’s a monster “Citizen Kane” compared to the blithering, sub-Castlevania, flophouse that gets hurled in your face at Mach Eight- smashing against your brain in a vigorous attempt to destroy all thought processes long enough to make you think you just had some sort of fantastic experience. This “picture” is a celluloid seizure. Grand Mal.

So Van Helsing is some sort of undercover soldier for the Vatican who hunts monsters- evidently he’s not the original Abraham Van Helsing either- or maybe he is- who the hell knows- not the director, the writers, or anyone watching this certainly. His latest assignment is to go to Transylvania and stop a plot involving three of the baddest of the bad- Dracula, Wolfman, and The Frankenstein Monster. The flick’s goodness lasts about the length of time it takes to read this summation. And that’s only because the base concept is sound- the execution is just so much garbage.
So without further ado, things I have a deep and abiding hatred about in Van Helsing:

-This is supposed to be a film utilizing Universal’s Worst and Darkest horror creations- it is a thoughtless, non-scary, nonsensical smear. For their time and beyond it, these classic monsters were shocking, frightening, eerie, and groundbreaking. None of these words apply to this handicapped cartoon flip-book.

-Since our director of ill-repute obviously doesn’t want to be scary, indeed, has gone so far as to publicly state having no love for things scary (again, why touch this project?), he doles out choppy, fast-forwarded CGI action sequences unbalanced with obvious, loud yuks, done capably in “the Mummy,” but totally witless, distracting, and resoundingly unfunny here.

-In an attempt to be “deep” and since the jokes are falling with an audible THUD, Sommers turns to tragedy within the film- to no real effect- it’s just another clichéd throw-in to try and cram as many emotions and contrivances as there are monsters, hoping that at least one part of the movie might have resonance enough to leave some impression with the viewer. Instead, its just one big bloated mess that will leak out of the filmgoer’s head all throughout the film, not waiting until the credits roll to be forgotten.

- Richard Roxburgh’s Dracula is undignified, foppish, ridiculously melodramatic flounce to the point of being just plain bland. The Romanian accent he dribbles is a poison to the auditory canal that would make Hamlet’s father’s bane look like ear wax removal drops. He is a gibbering muppet on a stick- that is, before relinquishing muppet-form to turn into a Gameboy Level One Boss- CGI Style. I remember Ricky from LXG- this wins no points with me either. I am so loathe to getting on actors’ cases but manoman get out of my genre pics you schmuck.

- The rules governing what the monsters can do and can’t, their weaknesses, powers, strengths, are so disjointed, ignored, nonsensical, paradoxed, and plain abandoned, that I yearn for the clear logic and erudition of “no matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, NEVER feed them after midnight.”

- Van Helsing cuts off Mr. Hyde’s arm- there is no arterial spray, no weakening from such an injury- another kiddie manouvre- violence with no consequences- as a result, who gives a shit who wins? It’s fraud.

- Frankenstein’s Monster learns how to talk and mourn his father that he never actually gets to meet within mere minutes of coming to life. I don’t care who your daddy is- nobody gets that kind of cognition .01 seconds after being volted into existence. Sloppy, lazy writing. The creature then squeals through most of the picture like a castrated circus clown. What a whiny, useless, wasted character.

-Igor, who callously double crosses Dr. Frankenstein and mortally wounds him, calls out to him in concern as the Monster runs away with the Doctor’s body. Make up your fucking mind. More sloppy writing.

- The movie makes Van Helsing some sort of amnesiac with flashes of a life lived throughout the centuries, but never bothers to complete the picture- Why is he like this? Is he immortal? Reborn? A robot? Nope, its one of those X-Files first to seventh season things- create an enigma, a mystery to captivate the audience, then panic when you realize you created a mystery you had no intention of ever explaining, nor did you ever intend to- that would require skills. Hilarity ensues. Actually, boredom, annoyance and anger ensue, in that order.

-Everybody in the supporting cast is stupid. Fucking balls-out dumb- people stroll up to the werewolf under the rubble and actually have the nerve to be surprised when he pops up for a big bite. The townspeople are told to look like the average angry torch wielding villagers, but only towards Van Helsing who is helping them rather than hurting them- not because it makes sense, but because everybody knows its cooler to have an anti-hero. Cast, here's another note from your director on Bizarro world- Don't thrust those pickaxes deep into your brains. Please, Don't do it right now.

- Pet Peeve- Dracula’s brides turn into Gelatinous Barbie dolls with no nipples or orifices- If you want to market a movie to children do Van Helsing vs. the Cantankerous Care Bears of Fudge Pack Mountain- if you are endeavoring to do a movie about monsters and demons, and have vampiric sluts soaring around without clothes on, lets have some anatomy 101- fuck the children. Making risen corpses more palatable for public visual consumption negates their horror. Its not about titillation, it is about horror. It’s a horror movie- make it unnerving and scary- don’t fucking make kid movies. Or if you do, make Monster Squad- oh look, Stephen, someone else had the idea and executed it very well- with KIDS even- why? Because they gave it some balls, some story, and some guts, and weren’t afraid to let a few of the latter spill out messily in the process. “Goonies” meets “House of Frankenstein”- great, fun stuff that despite its juvenile underpinnings is still light-years ahead of your slop.

I have to stop- I really could go another 20-50 or so points ranging from little nitpicks like Blatant James Bond rip-offs done so clumsily as to make me want to sue on behalf of that franchise, holes in the script you could ram a small country through, the atrocious performance of Kate Beckinsale who has yet another turkey to her name and is still is allowed to flourish in films like “The Aviator”- haven’t seen it, hope she did better there. I saw a brief clip where she or some fool was gushing about how she learned all her lines in Russian or some such shit- character work with no character, no payoff- just stupid actress masturbation that in the end, does the story, the audience no amount of good. And her accent still sounded idiotic. See? I try to wrap it up and just find more and more to loathe. I. Can’t. Stop.

You are filthy mercenary bastard Sommers, hired out to assassinate good things. And, to compound the atrocity, this asshole, who I am the first to admit, did craft a perfectly enjoyable action/adventure with good ol’ serial movie flair in “The Mummy,” not only botches the living crap out of this outing, but exhibits such a smug, undue pride in his creation it makes me ill. He claims to have great love for the genre; Couldn’t wait to get his hands on it, even. Hell, he goes farther than that-- Look at this quote I found on UGO.com in an interview with Herr Direcktor:

Sommers: “I thought you know what, I ought to watch those old movies again. I always loved them. So in a matter of 24 hours I watched all three originals and Bride of Frankenstein. I just fell in love again with these great characters and that is why they have stood the test of time. Then I was sitting there and the idea came into my head of, what if I put them all together in the same movie. I know they can all fit in the same world. They can all be in Eastern Europe, they can all be in the late 19th century.”

Wow Stevie. What an original, fresh, daring thought. Man, I wish I had your dazzling light-bulb of an idea over my head. Putting all the monsters together in one movie… That’s a righteous concept- I lay awake at night wondering what if I had your frightening mathematical intellect to come up with that equation. And why stop there? Why, let us dig up more tidbits of your Renaissance-Man, Thomas Edison-like discoveries- for instance, did you know that Stephen Sommers actually figured out that if you chisel the corners off a stone, forming it into a circular shape, reducing friction, that it actually becomes a very travel efficient, load-bearing “wheel?” Or that Stephen Sommers one fateful day took a wedge of chocolate and swiped it across a pad of peanut butter, creating a sumptuous, culinary delight? Or that one day this wise, venerable seer cracked the code of dividing a loaf of bread into pre-cut slices to save the average housewife time in the kitchen? I think if we give this prodigy enough time, cold fusion generators will be sold in Radio Shack at $8.99 a pop.

Or not. Because to allow him this claim, we would have to utterly ignore a colorful and varied history of films that have indeed explored this ground very thoroughly. Some good, some bad, and a few nigh-Lovecraftian in their ability to propel human consciousness further along towards the abyss of the unsane with their awfulness. Van Helsing is the high jester in this royal court of failure. Its the Lucky Pierre between 1971’s Dracula vs. Frankenstein and 1997’s House of Frankenstein in the daisy chain of oafishness. What Steve, you though I would give you first place? Hell, you didn’t even make it coherently poor enough to warrant cult or camp status. Now that’s fucking ineptitude. You’ve made the film “Underworld” hopes it gets placed next to in the video store giving it another 1% statistical probability of some fool purchasing it, to give it a home under his sofa to balance out the legs.

The movie is pretty much “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” sandwiched against “Underworld” with even less of an idea or through-line- And those who have read my reviews know I have called hell and reserved a special fire for the makers of LXG. I will say one positive thing- this movie gives it audience, albeit poorly, the Werewolf/Vampire fight so curiously absent from “Underworld.” There. I’m a fair guy again.

There is no joy, no entertainment value, no anything to this film. It’s a bunch of expensive, not particularly well-made toys scattered around a room by a child, having plenty to play with but content to simply show it off as a glut of plastic treasures rather than do something creative, constructive or fun with it. The monsters come, the monsters go. Van Helsing fights, mopes, broods, tries to engage in witty monkey repartee with other intellectually stunted characters, fails, lets jump cuts move him around a bit, explosion, cgi, explosion, cgi explosion, loud stuff, cgi, cgi, cgi, stupid Return of the Jedi bonfire scene that Happy Gilmore thought it had put to rest not realizing that hacks never, NEVER rest, sequel potential wedged in… aaaand…and we’re done.

So how does your ass feel? Fucked pretty hard, huh? Hear that sharp thwack resounding in your head? Your wallet just jumped out of your back pocket and smacked your ear into a big cauliflower.

Stephen Sommers, meanwhile, patiently strops his lenses for his next butchery- put a batwing cape on him, turn on the camera, watch him plan his next ass-head opus on the shat out remains of someone else’s ideas and you’ve got a better horror movie.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=9518&reviewer=358
originally posted: 01/31/05 18:02:31
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User Comments

4/17/16 ccmpteht USA 4 stars
5/07/09 true poo-poo alert. Stinks bad. Good actors in a horrible movie. 1 stars
1/19/09 Fruitcake angel Classic monsters and fairytale Transylvania win. Gorgeously dressed vampettes were fun. 4 stars
12/14/08 john doe its an ok film to watch 4 stars
10/06/08 Shaun Wallner Great Action!! 5 stars
5/31/08 Raven Didnt even finish the film as it was so horrible. 1 stars
5/08/08 Karrie Millheim I love vamp movies so I am rating this a four, it could have been better though 4 stars
10/28/07 Mick If you enjoyed this then you must be under 10 or BRAIN DEAD! 1 stars
10/11/07 Charles Not even Beckinsale could save this one. Very disappointing. 2 stars
7/28/07 Jeremy I liked it alot, these kind of movies arent my style but this one hit home 5 stars
4/21/07 Stevo UK This was actually a very bad vampire movi, that non - retards hated. 1 stars
2/22/07 Weblynx was a good vampire movie, actually liked it 4 stars
2/18/07 Nick Maday I really enjoyed this the first time through, but not so much in the times following. 3 stars
2/16/07 G Sherfy Sommers should be boiled in oil; horrible campy crap (worse than The Mummy 2 which I hated) 1 stars
2/14/07 I Gluck Could have been better but I still enjoyed it 3 stars
2/10/07 Fred Holmes Better than expected 4 stars
2/08/07 Raph Branca I recently saw this for the first time and thought it was a lot of fun. 4 stars
2/05/07 Shobert Might have been a blast had it been made by someone with an ounce of talent. 1 stars
2/03/07 David Cohen Van Helsing as a gothic horros Bond, sigh, it could have really been something 2 stars
2/03/07 Vip Ebriega Great horror stuff. 4 stars
1/13/07 ben worse than expected. watching this in the theatres would've been torture. 1 stars
11/19/06 michael classic horror flix 5 stars
11/17/06 annie Enjoyed the film. Would I watch it again? No. 3 stars
11/10/06 Jamethon hated this movie - a whole lot of dung 1 stars
11/09/06 Yusuf V loved this movie - a whole lot of fun 5 stars
11/08/06 Teresa Urutia Having to choose between this and Sorority Girls on the same night, Sorority Girls won 1 stars
10/08/06 Mark Paris Fantastic....non stop action all the way through 5 stars
8/22/06 David Cohen Sigh, it could have been so much more 2 stars
8/20/06 Jarkko Perälä Over two hours of bad acting and plot holes 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist Ownable, but yet another action/horror film thats just above popcorn flick status. 4 stars
5/12/06 Fruit-Loop It sucks. So boring had to Exit house 1 stars
4/16/06 Jetrho Peter Cushing is the only real Van Helsing,this one' a fartknocker! 1 stars
4/12/06 ES No (laughs uncontrollably) it's a good mov- (laughs again harder). I can't even get it out! 1 stars
3/31/06 Tanya I enjoyed the special effects but that was it 2 stars
3/09/06 Dk Enjoyable and it looks great 4 stars
2/26/06 Anthony Feor Possibly the worst movie in the world 1 stars
1/22/06 Soha Molina crapy movie 1 stars
1/19/06 Richard Jones I thought this movie isnt worth to see at the box office 1 stars
1/19/06 Mike Pulido Kind of sucky but I usually stop and watch whenever i'm flipping through the channels 2 stars
1/18/06 MrsVoorheesBabyBoy Even Worse than Brothers' Grimm 1 stars
1/16/06 ella can we say Van Sucking? 1 stars
12/10/05 Jim A load of claptrap. Liked the hat, though. 2 stars
10/30/05 Shandra i liked the film i thought it was interesting 5 stars
10/23/05 Suk-R-Punch Dreaming about a Beckinsale Bukkake is the only thing that got me through this crap-fest!!! 1 stars
10/21/05 paddy I liked Beckinsale's outfit...That's about it. 1 stars
10/16/05 Crapture Doesn't everyone just love a good "tragity"...that says it all, doesn't it? 1 stars
10/12/05 Bryant Gumby FANTASTIC!!!! The audience I saw it with erupted in laughter and never stopped!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/24/05 Will Tingle As bad as I expected... 2 stars
9/20/05 Jonathon Holmes worst movie of the summer 1 stars
9/02/05 Mailk Stupid piece of garbage. 1 stars
9/01/05 Edward Seriously one of the worst movies I have ever seen...well...not really, but...CRAP!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/31/05 unlimited UNDERWORLD was just boring and lame...this, on the other hand, is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/30/05 Vasquez i'd be willing to pay someone to kill stephen sommers at this point...and pay big. 1 stars
8/29/05 Brisbane Did someone just take a giant poop on celluloid and call it VAN HELSING????????? 1 stars
8/28/05 Blissful Johnny Wow...and I thought UNDERWORLD was bad! I thought LXG was bad! This trumps them!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/28/05 Jabberjaw The b&w opening was cool...and then the rest happened. Ending's good for a laugh, though. 1 stars
8/27/05 hicks VAN HELSING 2 is coming soon! Oh shit!!!! Pigs flying!!!!! Hell freezing!!!!!! Repent!! 1 stars
8/27/05 Joker I love this movie!!! For you see, I am a retard!!! 1 stars
8/18/05 ES Note the glass breaks before the werewolf hits it and shatters in the wrong direction 1 stars
8/07/05 George Roger Ebert recommends this over Die Hard? That man should be put in a mental hospital!!! 1 stars
8/02/05 ZIM A big, dumb yet slightly fun piece of crap 3 stars
7/27/05 Daveman Loud, obnoxious and physically painful to watch 1 stars
7/24/05 Moverlover Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! 1 stars
7/18/05 Brandy Harrington Rancid shit. Fucking borefest. 1 stars
6/28/05 Jiz I fell asleep half-way through. At 3PM. 1 stars
6/26/05 mickanme worth a sunday arvo, cup of tea watch 4 stars
6/24/05 Mr Fluffy About as usefull as a hair lip 1 stars
6/13/05 Anthony G Weak ass shit. 1 stars
6/10/05 Manu Ginobli I was surprised at how boring this movie was. 1 stars
6/08/05 Taylor Fladgate I like how her accent diminishes as the movie goes on. 2 stars
6/01/05 Chris So this is what you get when Vampires mate 2 stars
5/24/05 Jake COMPLETE CRAP! IF YOU LIKE THIS MOVIE, YOUR EITHER RETARDED OR A WHIMP! 1 stars
4/29/05 reptilesni It's a kids movie. Don't expect more or you'll be disappointed. 3 stars
4/21/05 Colleen Goldrick great special effects 5 stars
4/19/05 Bonnie James I disagree with the main review. You go to the movies for entertainment. Helsing does the j 4 stars
4/15/05 Carol Conway Forgettable 2 stars
4/11/05 Landshark CGI Gone Wild -- after this debacle, even the CGI characters had low self esteem. 1 stars
3/13/05 Tamara Burks While it is a cheesy movie , I like cheese . So I enjoyed this one. 3 stars
3/11/05 Edler It is not that bad. It is hokey and corny. But ok in many respects. 3 stars
3/04/05 Gloria Anderson loved this one 5 stars
3/02/05 David Tsung great special effects but kate sucked 3 stars
3/01/05 Maggie Dressler Absolutely awesome 5 stars
2/27/05 Diane Stedner I liked it. 4 stars
2/25/05 Denise i love vamp movies 3 stars
2/25/05 James Kiang My high expectations were dashed by the obvious cgi and terrible accents. 2 stars
2/20/05 david basile a little to comic like 2 stars
2/16/05 kathleen4691 Frankenstein vs. wear-wolf marginally better than Godzilla vs. Mothra. 2 stars
2/14/05 Angela Saunders Great special effects, lacks plot. Disappointing after all the hype. 2 stars
2/10/05 bob thedwarf shite 1 stars
2/08/05 nannette ryan The movie was average I've seen much worse but I've also seen better 3 stars
2/06/05 Kenneth Helmick Just a fun movie 3 stars
2/04/05 bongeezer There are worse movies out there.... Honest 3 stars
2/04/05 tatum I can name a hundred movies worse than this one..."Ax 'Em"..."Shrek"... 4 stars
2/03/05 Tanya Grays I was not pleased with this movie, even the special effects can't save this one 2 stars
2/03/05 ss Not a bad movie. worth a look 4 stars
2/03/05 Kent B. I liked it. Thought it was different from the same old monster movies. 4 stars
2/01/05 BobbysRedQueen This Movie Stunk ! What happened to real horror films ? 1 stars
2/01/05 Philip Taylor it sucked 1 stars
2/01/05 Joe Kolarz I thought it was great, i hope there si a second one. 4 stars
2/01/05 Alice Colwell I don't think it was that bad 4 stars
1/31/05 Edward Condon I've seen worse, but not by much. 2 stars
1/31/05 Danita Berg Call me crazy - but I loved this movie - simply for it's campiness! 4 stars
1/31/05 craig varney dissappointing video game action not great vampire movie 3 stars
1/26/05 JesseL Great vampire movie. A little thin in spots but scenic. 4 stars
1/14/05 Hawkeye Pierce unaceptable, being a fan of the classics, the worst re-make ever and respectless. 1 stars
12/28/04 Steve Newman 30mins to long but loved special effects 3 stars
12/27/04 The Mockingbird I will never get the 2 minutes of my life back that I spent running away from this movie 1 stars
12/24/04 Freddy good effects and some hot chicks! 4 stars
12/19/04 jonnyboy omg wig something we agree on 1 stars
12/09/04 Jason Kaul This would have been good if the chick got naked. But she didn't, so it was mediocre. 3 stars
12/07/04 Kristina Williams shit shit shit! 1 stars
12/07/04 jonny boy same as gabby, kate beckinsale is a muppet indeed 2 stars
11/14/04 Gabby Kate Beckinsale cannot act to save her life. This film is just one big computer game. 2 stars
11/10/04 keithers.. yes it sucks...yes it's corney but that's the point..it's all in good fun 4 stars
11/05/04 TCIC The visuals keep this move alive, the plot is corny but the concepts are good 4 stars
11/02/04 JL Kinda cheesy, but Richard Roxburgh is the sexiest Dracula I've ever seen! 3 stars
10/29/04 Howard Lipsit Forget the "Plot" - A Visual Feast! 5 stars
10/27/04 Sean Dalton It makes you groan in embarassment at its ridiculousness again and again. 1 stars
10/25/04 lotrEEproper owns this shi& i agree but still better than hp and avp put together 1 stars
10/22/04 Hilary Adamson Makes Kate Dreckinsale almost seem likeable. 4 stars
10/21/04 Daniel nothing but cgi- poor plot,characters,dialogue-just a big computer animated piece of shit 1 stars
10/16/04 Pollo Excellent special effects. Where's the plot??? Where are the actors???Kill the screenwriter 2 stars
10/14/04 eugene this mvie is a load of fucked crtap is licks utter balls i am a eugene 1 stars
9/27/04 Butter G *speachless* on how terrible this was. it just blew me away by the stupidity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/21/04 Benjamin Spicher Watch Hellboy instead! 1 stars
9/19/04 ozcan ass 4 stars
9/18/04 byron the movie was great itwas the best the harpies (Marishka,verna&Aleera) 5 stars
9/07/04 trent A big pile of sh*t. 1 stars
8/30/04 Rwillough I liked this movie. It wan't meant to be serious, but it was alot of fun to watch. 4 stars
8/20/04 Tyrantis I love Monster Movies, so I loved it. But it still sucked pretty bad. 2 stars
8/13/04 Uncle Phucker The worse big movie of the decaded. Not one good scene. 1 stars
8/09/04 The Lurchprong Splitter Forget Catwoman! This has batwomen! 3 stars
8/02/04 Nykki It was a cool movie to watch, I'm picky and this movie really got on my list ofthingsto buy 5 stars
8/01/04 Raf Milis Except that kate looks like she can come around every night,this movie is so shitty..man... 1 stars
7/29/04 Shams Huque Man this was terrible. 2 stars
7/29/04 Eloise daft megamix of horror legends, yey, can i have some more please!! 5 stars
7/19/04 Sylvia TOP GENIAL !!!! 5 stars
7/16/04 Jeff Hu so boring, just can't wait to see it finishes 1 stars
7/13/04 AV! I loved it! Hugh was really good and so was Kate. Plus I love action! 5 stars
6/29/04 Saigo Whoo-hoo! Action! Never mind it totally sucks! It's got action! Yey! 1 stars
6/25/04 M ZZZZzzzzzzzzz.......... 1 stars
6/17/04 WREN Richard Roxburgh is the sexy and looks very lickable 5 stars
6/15/04 earl duron great fun 4 stars
6/11/04 Sarrah kate beckinsale ROCKS. this movie was amzing. best this year. it ROCKED!! 5 stars
6/08/04 Cameron Slick Lacks excitement but great for a nine-year old boy. 3 stars
6/06/04 SF Great film. 5 stars
6/05/04 Alexis Weston It was great, best horror film of the year. 5 stars
6/02/04 Elizabeth Great opening sequence, but quickly becomes redundant. LOUDEST film I've seen in ages. 2 stars
6/02/04 Coolhand Had potential, but don't skimp on a good writer for Pete's sake!!! 3 stars
6/01/04 Martha Well, about 20 flicks in one; all of the old ones done better 1 stars
6/01/04 Obi Wan I hope NBC never makes another Big Budget Big Screen flick again!!! 1 stars
5/28/04 deena I love sci fi, horror, old movies, even b movies, THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! 1 stars
5/28/04 Art Richardson I thought it was a good movie 4 stars
5/28/04 matt some parts were ok but it felt too long 3 stars
5/28/04 Ash Jordan Amazing, worth seeing more than once, though only to see Dracula! 5 stars
5/28/04 amy buffy the vampire slayer meets touched by an angel 2 stars
5/28/04 Biily Just plain awlful. 1 stars
5/27/04 Van_Yorking Oh geez, words can't describe how awful this movie is. PASS! 1 stars
5/26/04 steven wortham Best monster movie ever because it has all of them in it, 5 stars
5/25/04 Eponine See it for David Wenham's character, Carl. I thought he was hilarious. 4 stars
5/25/04 Nicole While it was totally Hollywood and many scenes were lame and trite and cheesy, I liked it! 4 stars
5/22/04 S F hey i thoroughlyenjoyed it 4 stars
5/22/04 Jack Bourbon Much like a drinking contest where the loser pukes first: only the most bored should do it 2 stars
5/22/04 malcolm pure summer popcorn fun 4 stars
5/22/04 Alan Liddle Not fantastic, but entertaining. 3 stars
5/21/04 alien assassin Rent "Bride of Frankenstein" instead !!! 2 stars
5/21/04 M not much to say........ 2 stars
5/21/04 Not Public mediocre cgi, zero plot/character dev, but you're beaten by action seq without end 2 stars
5/20/04 Katrina I thought the movie was GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! Bring on the sequal! 5 stars
5/20/04 shadowdancer Love Hugh, hate the movie 2 stars
5/20/04 Vinnie I paid $7.50 for this steaming pile of shit? Maybe 4 bucks, but not $7.50!!! 1 stars
5/20/04 linus Exactly what I expected from watching the previews 1 stars
5/19/04 Stephen Spielborg Hey, it's better than anything I've ever done... 1 stars
5/19/04 Idiot's Mouth Good points but oh! Dick! This is old news! So it sucked! What else is new?!? 1 stars
5/18/04 David Birke jjjjjjjj 1 stars
5/17/04 Bingo Rex hunt fishing adventures is more entertaining then this 1 stars
5/17/04 Julie I hate to say it bc I liek H.Jackmanm but what a waste of $100 million. 1 stars
5/17/04 Anne Exactlay what I was expecting from it. 2 stars
5/17/04 AfroFett oooooh lots of CGI! story? what story? 1 stars
5/17/04 othree cheezy greatness, that works, see it if your in the mood for fun, cool spin 2 4 stars
5/16/04 Troy Butler Not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. LYBATD, and you should have an enjoyable time!!! 3 stars
5/16/04 Maximus I tell you what, you give me $15, and I'll scream in your face for 2 hrs. Enjoy this crap. 1 stars
5/16/04 j This has to be the worst movie i have ever seen. 1 stars
5/15/04 Luis Turd 1 stars
5/15/04 Uncle Phucker This has to be one of the worst big budget films ever. Worse than the Mummy Returns. 1 stars
5/13/04 Stephen Petit stop with the edible garbage 1 stars
5/13/04 Owen S A fun comic book ride for the summer 4 stars
5/12/04 Bethanie Cope I like the movie but hated the End 4 stars
5/12/04 Peter A great ride, and amazing affects. Plot is shallow, but all else was entertaining 4 stars
5/12/04 Mike V First half is pretty good but falls apart after that 3 stars
5/12/04 Whatevr The original authors must be rolling around in their graves 1 stars
5/12/04 Mike Appalling, will appeal to 13yr old boys. 1 stars
5/11/04 Jenny Saypaw Fantastic sets, great CGI, cool vampire offspring concept 4 stars
5/11/04 Sam from Quebec This movie sucked, what a waste of my time. 1 stars
5/11/04 Ajax Horrible movie. So much money and they can't have ONE decent action scene. 1 stars
5/10/04 Ripoff Maybe if a stake was driven through Stephen Sommers' heart, he'd stop making shit movies? 1 stars
5/10/04 Beefcake007 So ridiculous I started laughing till I had tears in my eyes. 1 stars
5/10/04 paganchyk Even the soundtrack was overdone! Hysterical, but not intentionally.... 2 stars
5/10/04 Heath It's an action movie full of non-stop action. What more do you want? 4 stars
5/10/04 A F Better than expected yet still average. 3 stars
5/10/04 Vicious I wanted more werewolf, otherwise it's pretty much eye candy 3 stars
5/09/04 Jorge Fragette Don't anyone go see this turd. Keep your money and your dignity! NO SEQUEL FOR YOU! 1 stars
5/09/04 Giant_Cockroach Stunningly bad. To rope swingey. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE! 1 stars
5/09/04 Paul Melendy Depressingly bad. Zero suspence. 1 stars
5/09/04 PAYNE I hope that the possible sequeal will be at least better than this 4 stars
5/09/04 Tom It's not the Universal monsters I grew up with but it is still fun. 4 stars
5/09/04 Nicholas Walsh This was one of the most retarded movies I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. 1 stars
5/09/04 David Fowler Horror as Porn. Sommers ROUNDLY buggers, rogers, & violates Universal's classic trinity. 1 stars
5/09/04 Gray should have had only one monstr per a movie 3 stars
5/08/04 Shann hope it does well enough to get a sequel but bad enough that they'll fix the mistakes 4 stars
5/08/04 Caravaggio Worst Dracula ever! Roxburg had scariness and sexual allure of a turd. 1 stars
5/08/04 Roy Again retarted? Anyway... nice fx and that's about it. 2 stars
5/08/04 Jeff MacIver This flick is insanely over-the-top, and bloody good fun. Don't listen to the naysayers. 4 stars
5/08/04 Wolf WAY too much reliance on CGI. Needs better direction and more retakes. 2 stars
5/07/04 AfroFett Hey Look! CGI monsters! Pay no attention to the crappy story behind the curtain! 2 stars
5/07/04 M CGI overload!!! 1 stars
5/07/04 NO SEQUEL 4 U I'll pay for something worthwhile then I'll watch this for on Universal, not on my $9!! 1 stars
5/07/04 Margalo God let this bomb so we dont get a sequel 1 stars
5/07/04 Bill Egan The cinematic equivalent of a sugar overload, but without the sweetness & twice the nausea. 1 stars
5/07/04 La Terra as a movie-lover, I dislike the CG-Film but i love this one 5 stars
5/07/04 Yosh No tension, boring as hell, only nice CG 2 stars
5/07/04 BrianWilly Very fun movie, some of the best CGI ever. But ultimately no depth. 4 stars
5/07/04 Brian if they had spent a fraction on decent graphics that they did on marketing... 1 stars
5/06/04 Mikedy Mike Fun movie, an homage to old cheesey monster flicks. 4 stars
5/06/04 Mark Fulwiler Absolutely godawful torture 1 stars
5/05/04 TXN All FX, Little plot, embarassing dialogue 2 stars
5/05/04 john bale No plot no suspense only Jackman killing SFX. Roll over Bram Stoker ! 2 stars
5/05/04 Margalow Saw a screening in NY last week. Dear God, the agony... 1 stars
5/05/04 MrMean Average 3 stars
5/04/04 Harry This movie sucks nuts! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  07-May-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 19-Oct-2004

UK
  N/A

Australia
  05-May-2004




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