A line is being drawn through Hollywood. More and more, movies fall on one side of it, or the other. We have the heartfelt, poignant tales of personal experience (such as Lost in Translation and 21 Grams), or we have stories that can’t be considered anything less than epic. Guess which side of this line Troy falls behind…Well, I’ll give you a hint; it’s the epic one. For all it’s faults, let it never be said that Troy cannot astound you with the true feeling of scale on offer. Huge Greek armies appear as clouds on the horizon as they march over the hills. Thousands of nameless soldiers fall in a sparingly used (thus infinitely more effective) red mist effect. Troy is beautifully realised as the sprawling metropolis across the Agean. In short, when the CGI rolls, you will shut up and hope that your popcorn doesn’t fall out of your mouth. Unfortunately, when the battle is over, and we’re left to deal with some truly laughable performances from a terrible cast.
Given that the story based around one of the most well known epic poems, you would have thought that they would have a script that was at least vaguely poetic, but no. Needlessly updated, completely uninspired and painful to listen to, this is almost an insult to Homer. You can see almost the struggle in the eyes of the actors to not say the line ‘and for the Gods’ as ‘and one for my homies’.
Orlando Bloom spends the entire movie getting closer and closer to his ultimate goal of finally being a woman. Brad Pitt spends the whole movie just being a cocky git (though being the ultimate warrior that ever lived might make that forgivable), and Helen just whines for two hours. The face that launched a thousand ships? Not quite, maybe a couple of pizza delivery boys and a round of Hot Wheels.This movie is the very definition of a popcorn muncher. Turn off your brain, forget everything you know about the original poem (Ten years of War? Meh, two weeks’ll be a fair representation), and just look at the pretty battle scenes. I can only pray that you are blessed enough to be sat behind someone stupid enough to shout ‘Oh my God, his Achille’s heel? How corny!’ when the credits roll. Almost made the movie worth the admission price.