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Internet Exclusive! The SECRET Star Wars DVD Extras!!

by Scott Weinberg, Lord of the Sith

Just recently the movie and DVD sites have been tripping over each other to report the specs on the upcoming Star Wars DVD trilogy. All of those sites are reporting Filmmaker Commentaries, Archival Footage, and a Brand Spankin' New Mega-Documentary that covers the production of all three movies. Aha, but there's so much more that that!

Star Wars

"A New Hope: Created for the Initial Re-release: Fact or Fiction?" - This 78-minute featurette consists entirely of Star Wars fanboys screaming at each other from each across a crowded comic book convention. Discover once and for all if "Part IV: A New Hope" truly did appear in the opening scroll during the film's original release. Or don't.

"So That's How Things Are in That Family: Ickiness in Retrospect" - Yeah, we all know it was just "for luck" - but that Luke/Leia kiss still seems a little bit creepy. This 44-minute featurette inlcudes interviews with interstellar psychologists and incestuous siblings from galaxies both long ago and far away.

"Sand Person / Tusken Raider: A Study in Duality" - Watch as a nomadic tribe of ruthless humanoid lunatics comes to grips with their unwelcome new class system. Includes archival footage of the infamous Dewback Uprising of Mos Espa and interviews with Kwaj Jallo, mysterious leader of the Tusken Liberation Front.

"A Language of Five Whispers: Trouble in Jawaland" - Dig as deep as humanly possible into the mysterious language of the Jawas. Watch as we discover that the language of these annoying little creatures consists of only seventeen words, most of which are synonyms for TAKE, FIX or STEAL.

"Greedo Shot First: The World's Hugest Argument" - After years of controversy and suspicion, Han Solo and Greedo Goldblatt finally sit down and attack the issue head on: who shot first? Solo claims he could never have shot first, as A) it would make his character entirely too villainous, and B) a good smuggler never shoots first. Greedo deviates from his normal response ("Hey it was a wretched hive, don't forget...") by somehow passing the blame along to Obi-Wan Kenobi. "That freaky old wizard set me up!" cries Greedo as an incensed Wookie wrestles him to the ground. (This 133-minute featurette features optional voice-over commentary from wtinesses Walrus Man, Hammerhead, Snaggletooth, that freaky-looking band, and Salacious Crumb, who wasn't even there at the time of the incident, but claims to know Greedo "in a midichlorian way".)

The Empire Strikes Back

"Top-Heavy Trouble: The World's Silliest Attack Vessels" - Watch as the Empire's top technicians, weapons designers and nature enthusiasts contemplate what went wrong with their insanely expensive AT-AT Project. "We wanted them to be big and impressive, but also to look like gigantic mechanical animals. Whether or not they could be entirely demolished by a mere length of rope...never really occurred to us," says former Lt. Loz Lozzma, who took time out from his lifelong banishment on the Margarine Planet of Kol-estrol to record some rare interview segments.

"Wampa: A Creature Misunderstood" - Although he did not realize it at the time, Luke Skywalker successfully murdered the only Wampa in the history of the universe when the clueless idiot got hung up by his ankles and had to rely on MAGIC to save his butt. Hear from renowned Galactic Environmentalist Fwad Fwakhoumn as he demands that Skywalker be tried on the grounds of specicide: "That big fuzzy freak was just trying to FEED himself, and now the universe is robbed of perhaps an entire planet of maniacal cave-dwelling albino-space-grizzlies!"

"Bossk: Mail-In Insecurity" - Although perhaps not as celebrated as fellow bounty hunters IG-88, Zuckuss or Boba Fett ("He was like our Elvis."), former assassin and current slimy reptile Bossk finally breaks his silence. "It's like, if you dug IG-88, that ridiculous skinny jerk, you could go buy him at K-Mart or something. If you wanted ME, you had to buy cereal boxes and stamps and envelopes... It was just totally unfair. And I didn't even have any LINES in the movie! I should have had a better agent. Shit, even that stupid Power Droid got sold at K-Mart!"

"Rise of the Unghnauts: Pigpeople Strike Back" - Rare footage of the infamous Cloud City Swine Coup, in which hundreds of smelly and deformed Unghnauts rose up against their Bespin-addicted oppressors and retook Cloud City for their nauseating selves. Join us in a closer look at what the city has become today, which is a burnt-out husk populated solely by smelly, deformed Unghnauts, a few expatriate Tuskens, and Bossk.

"Startling Revelations at Inconvenient Moments: A Family Fractured" - Years of anger and frustration wash away in this touching family reunion. "I just think he could have waited for a better time to tell me. That's all," says Luke Skywalker as his black-helmeted Papa sits by and wheezes regretfully. (Optional audio commentary by a justifiably disgruntled Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.)

"Cliffhanger Craziness: Three Years of Torture" - Archival and retrospective interviews with moviegoers who, in 1980, were left dangling on a cobweb of unanswered questions. "Hell, it used to piss me off when The Jeffersons pulled that 'To Be Continued...' jazz! Imagine how three years felt! Three freakin'..." says 382-pound Star Wars enthusiast Lando Quasarblastarr. One-on-one conversations with filmmakers reveal "We had no freakin' idea where we were gonna go with it. At one point we said Part 3 should open with Luke waking up in Tatooine screaming that it was all just a dream... But then we just decided to remake Part 1 all over again."

Return of the Jedi

"Jabba the Hutt: Portrait of a Giant Disgusting Crime Kingpin Slug Creature" - If all you know of Jabba is what was seen in the movies, you don't know even half of the truly icky tale. Recently-unearthed interviews with Jabba's parents, babysitters, chefs, and harem dancers reveal a quieter and more introspective side to the most bloated villain this side of Rush Limbaugh.

"Life as a Keening, Parasitic Rodent: S. Crumb" - This is an up close & personal portrait of the isane little creature who spent his life eating the food particles found between his host's fat-folds. Discover after all these years what it was that made Crumb so particularly 'salacious'.

"Rancors & Sarlaccs & Hutts: All Dead" - Pulling off a trifecta of species demolition since unseen in the annals of galactic history, Skywalker obliterates three entire races of creature in only one half-hour of movie footage. Hear interviews with that bizarrely creepy pair of wimpering Rancor keepers, close personal friends of the Sarlacc ("Last we heard he was heading over to Carkoon to do some sunbathing..."), and testimonials from activist group Hutts4Ever that remind us "Y'know, not ALL Hutts were devious lords of the underworld, you know. Some were schoolteachers and accountants too. That Jedi just loves wholesale slaughter."

"Sy Snootles: Behind the Music" - A posthumus visit with the legendary Sy Snootles Band, courtesy of security footage found in the Dune Sea skiff wreckage. This never-before-seen material portrays Snootles as a musical genius who was ultimately doomed by his friendship with Jabba, his forbidden love for Oona, and his obesession with that floppy thing draped around Bib Fortuna's neck.

"Ewok: In Your Face" - After years of disrespect and disdain, Wicket and his Ewok pals have banded together to create this brief featurette, the essential point of which is "Hey, screw you all. We're cute, the kids loved us, and we DID kick some serious stormtrooper ass after all's said and done. Don't hate us because we're fuzzy." (Optional commentary by Chewbacca, as translated by a tribe of inbred Jawas.)

"Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me: Faulty Construction in Successive Death Stars" - The oft- and justifiably-maligned engineers responsible for both Death Stars meet for a candid discussion about faulty architecture, the inability to learn from one's earlier (and stunningly costly) mistakes, and the place of Deus Ex Machina in relation to Lightning Striking the Same Place Twice.


Needless to say...

...April Fools. ;-)

E me: scott@efilmcritic.com

link directly to this feature at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=1075
originally posted: 04/01/04 14:21:27
last updated: 04/01/04 14:53:28
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