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New On Home Video: April 20, 2004

Usually Updated Each Monday Evening
by Randy Muselman

Well the old fat guy is back after being lost in the ether for a couple of weeks. The real bitch of the entire situation is that I couldn't even call it a vacation because it sure as hell wasn't fun. Regardless, we have a ton of DVD releases to talk about this week, more so than usual, so click on in and let the fat man hand you the word on what's hitting the street this coming Tuesday.

While there are many titles for you to pick and choose from this week, there are three that are going to be classified as the titles you will recognize from the box office. The rest of what is hitting home video shelves this week are either titles that are being re-priced, meaning that they were released some time ago and the price has been reduced, or titles you will have no friggin clue as to where they came from or what the hell they are about.

Either way, you can't bitch too much, because there are so damn many for you to wrap your greedy little fingers around. How about we start off with something I'd rather like to think of as "wet-n-messy."

First, I have just one question. What the fuck was all the Oscar buzz around Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World? I mean give me a break, the film was alright, one might even call it an epic adventure. But as far as I'm concerned, Russell Crowe didn't deserve shit for his performance. The film overall could have been worse, but all the damn action was either at the beginning or at the end of the film, and that really pissed me off. From what I saw of the trailers for the film, the entire film was going to be one big action packed adventure. Instead, I sit down and watch this film and get jerked off for a couple of hours. Just like some little sexually deprived geek, this film blew its wad in the first few minutes and then left you whining about why there wasn't more.

You can disagree with me all you like about Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World but the studio should get off their lazy asses and at least let the trailer for the film tell you the truth. Of course, I guess when you budget 150 million for a film and only grab about 94 million at the box office here in the good old U.S.A., then you can always sit around the table during a business meeting going "Harrumph Harrumph Harrumph" which translates into "Hey, we lost our asses but damned if we didn't pick up some Oscars."

Ty Burr of The Boston Globe said of Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World The opening 15 minutes of Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World are so well crafted that they restore your faith in commercial cinema. Well, Ty, at least you got the first 15 minutes right. Overall, our staffers here at the site pretty well agree for the most part that it's worth a look. If you'd like to see our staff’s complete reviews, you can CLICK HERE. I'd have to agree, it's worth a watch, and at least you won't have had to pay eight bucks to go see the film, but Oscars? No friggin way. Personally, I thought the kids (Max Pirkis) in the film far outdid Crowe's performance. I now await your rotten fruit to be thrown my way for trashing this film.

Moving on to more film that perhaps should have all been left on the cutting room floor. Eddie Murphy leads the cast in Haunted Mansion. I'm getting the hell scared out of me just thinking about this flop. Why is it I feel that if they'd left Eddie Murphy out of this film, it would have been more fun. Personally, and of course, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, Murphy seemed like he didn't even have a script to follow in The Haunted Mansion. His lines kept reminding me of Donkey's personality in Shrek. Now that's a film I did like.

While I thought Marsha Thompson (cast as Sara Evers) delivered a credible performance, and the kids were cute, Murphy just seemed out of place during the entire film. Overall, the effects were alright, the butler (Terence Stamp as Ramsley) while stuffy still caught my attention more than Murphy. The singing Busts (no we ain't talking tits here) made me think I was on some damn amusement park ride rolling down the tracks while they sang. Go Figure.

Our staff reviews on The Haunted Mansion pretty much lean to the pretty crappy or sucks rating, but if you'd like to read the full review by our staffers, then just CLICK HERE. I'd have to say that if you have kids, you most likely are going to get stuck with renting or buying this film. You can suffer through it, but, I'd like to think I can expect more of a film when Eddie Murphy is headlined.

The last and final of our box office titles this week includes Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. As I was contemplating what to write about this film, I was reading Dr. Chumley's review and I think I would have to agree with him. There are quite a few odds and ends during this film.

Quote: Dr. Chumley
Specifically: I find it difficult to believe that a 22-year-old boy from West Virginia would end up the general manager of a grocery story. Even Rosalee and Cathy’s reactions to Tad Hamilton seem entirely out of place for someone over the age of 14.

To continue on, The film starts with Rosalee and Cathy wanting to "win a date" but they have to come up with a $125.00 donation to enter the contest. Next we see that yep, sure enough, we have a winner. I have to wonder how much of this shit wound up on the cutting room floor, and that's just one scene. Talk about editing.

While this film seems to be targeted more to the teenager, it should have been re-written and targeted to the bubble gum girls, as even though we have adults in the script, you can tell right from the start they all need to act about 12 for the writing.

Staff reviews for Win A Date With Tad Hamilton rage from just average to pretty crappy, but if you want to read them, then just CLICK ON IN. Personally, I'd say forget this film, saying that it sucks would be too kind.

Well, now that I've managed to trash all three films from the box office this week, we should probably move on. I think I can feel some if not all of this weeks readers breathing down my neck. Should I call a mortician?

I think the proper thing for you to do at this point is grab the biggest jar of Vaseline you can find, because boys and girls, it's going to be a LONG ride from here. You ready for this? Don't get nauseous now.

Here is a list of all of the DVD's I could find hitting home video shelves this week. Remember, some are going to be listed that you've seen before, and these most likely are what are referred to as re-priced. Meaning that while you paid twenty bucks when it originally came out on the market, you can grab it for a whole lot less now. There are so damn many, I didn't even separate the TV series from the plain old video.

• 20th Century Masters
• 3 Women: Criterion Collection
• 99.9: La Frecuencia Del Terror
• Abcd
• Agency
• Alexander Calder (American Masters)
• All Aboard for Bed
• All for the Winner
• Alterna Hits 2
• American Masters: The Artists (Richard Avedon / Alexander Calder / Robert Rauschenberg / Man Ray / Norman Rockwell / Alfred Stieglitz)
• Andrew Dice Clay: Dice Rules!
• Andromeda: Season 3 Collection 4
• As Young As You Feel
• August 8,1959 at Town Hall Party
• Aura Battler Dunbine: Return to Byston (Vol. 5)
• Behind the Decks
• Berg: Lulu
• Beyond the Call of Duty
• Big Comfy Couch: When It's Winter & Cool It
• The Big Empty
• Big Wednesday
• Black Sheep Boy: Decodings
• Bloodmoon
• Blood of the Ninja
• Bonhoeffer
• Border Warz
• Brahms: Ein Deutsches Requiem
• Bug
• Call Me Madam
• Carreteras Secundarias
• CGA Celebration Tour
• Charade (Criterion)
• The Circuit 2
• Classic Country Comedy
• Clowning in the Rain
• Common Ground
• Cracker: The Complete Third Season
• Crash Masters Collection: Master Strik
• Crime 101
• Crisscross
• Dark Harvest
• DC Shoes Presents: DC Video
• Demon Slayer
• Detonator
• Dias De Boda
• Dlug
• The Double-D Avenger (Hey now! We are an equal opportunity website, and it doesn't hurt that us male staffers like big tits)
• Douce Violence
• Duel With The Devils
• El Lado Oscuro Del Corazon 2
• Exploited 83-87 Live at Palm Grove
• Eye of the Eagle
• Eye Of The Eagle 2: Inside The Enemy
• Eye Of The Eagle 3
• Fatal Needles, Fatal Fists
• Fisher Price: Baby Moves
• Fisher Price: Nature Baby
• The Floating Landscape
• Floating Weeds (Criterion)
• The Flower of Evil
• Food for the Spirit
• Fool For Love
• Force Of Evil: Evil Comes...Alive
• For the Moment
• Four Seasons
• Getting There
• A Girl's Affair
• Give My Regards To Broad Street
• A Good Night To Die
• A Handful Of Dust
• Heavenly Legend
• Helter Skelter
• He's A Woman, She's A Man
• A High Wind In Jamaica
• The Hi-Line
• Holiday in the Sun
• Hour of the Wolf (Vargtimmen)
• Hour Of The Wolf: Special Edition
• iGUIDE: Hitman 3 Contracts
• Impaler: DVD
• Incident At Oglala: The Leonard Peltier Story
• The Ingmar Bergman Special Edition DVD Collection (Persona / Shame / Hour of the Wolf / The Passion of Anna / The Serpent's Egg)
• In My Skin
• Into the Fire (1987)
• Jackie Greene: Broken Hearts Dusty Roads
• Jazz Masters: Vintage Collection
• Just One Look
• Kaaterskill Falls
• Killer Buzz
• Kill Zone
• King Of New York: Special Edition
• Kirby: Dark & Stormy Night
• Klansman
• Knights Of The Zodiac: Out Of Arena (Vol. 3)
• Knockabout
• Know Your No-No's
• Kung Fu Kids
• La Bandera
• La Mujer Del Puerto
• The Last Of Sheila
• A League Of Their Own: Special Edition
• Let's Make it Legal
• Little People: Creativity Collection
• Little People: Friendship Collection
• Live in Chicago
• Los Hombres Calientes: Live At The House Of Blues
• Love Nest
• Mao-Chan (Volume 4)
• Martial Arts Theater #8
• Mary and Rhoda
• Men And Women
• Meteors: Attack Of The Chainsaw Mutant
• Miffy & Friends: Miffy's Playtime
• Miffy & Friends: Miffy's Springtime Adventure
• Music of Mass Destruction- Live in Chicago (DVD with bonus CD)
• Nam Angels
• The Neville Brothers & Friends: Tell It Like It Is
• New Friends/Little Puppy
• Nine Dead Gay Guys
• No Sleep 'Til Madison
• Nova: Dogs And More Dogs
• November 15,1958 at Town Hall Party
• November 6,1954 at Town Hall Party
• On Tour
• The Ordeal Of Dr. Mudd
• Our Lips Are Sealed
• Out Of The Ashes
• Ozark Savage
• Pandavas: The Five Warriors
• The Park
• Passport To Paris
• P.D. James: A Mind To Murder
• A Perfect Candidate
• Phase IV
• Pirates of Tortuga
• The Playboys
• Pop Rock & Reggaeton Latino
• Power Play
• Prime Suspect 4: Inner Circles
• Prime Suspect 5
• Recipe for Disaster
• Red Light, Green Light
• Reefer Madness (Restored Edition)
• River of No Return
• Robert Rauschenberg: Inventive Genius (American Masters)
• Roxie Hart
• The Scoundrel's Wife
• Seal IV
• Second Coming
• Shame
• Shame: Special Edition
• Siempre Te Amare
• The Silver Stallion
• Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World: Season Two
• Star!
• Step in Faith
• Step Into Liquid
• Still Life (1988)
• Stranded
• Suckers
• Switching Goals
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Tenchi Muyo Gxp: Academy Life Vol 2
• Thee Headcoates &Thee Milkshakes: Ban
• The Third Wheel
• This Is Circumstantial Evidence
• This Is Not a Love Song
• Totally Spies: First Secret Missions
• Totally Spies: The Getaway
• Trust Me
• Tube
• Ultimate Fighting Championship: Revolution (10th Anniverary Edition): Revolution
• Ultraman Tiga, Vol. 3: Guts Headquarters Under Attack
• Underground P.D.
• Une Ravissante Idiote
• Voices of Our Time: Felicity Lott
• Voices of Our Time: Ian Bostridge
• Wagner: Der Meistersinger
• Wagner: Die Walkure
• Wasted
• The Wedding Dress
• Wedding Peach: Pluie's War (Vol. 2)
• Welcome to Spring Break
• We're Not Married
• When Eagles Strike
• When It's Winter
• White Commanche
• White Knuckle Extreme: Disorder IV: Ride The Lightning
• White Knuckle Extreme: Divine Intervention
• White Knuckle Extreme: H20 2003 Winter Classic
• Wild Things 2
• Wild Things (R-Rated Edition) / Wild Things 2
• Wild Things (Unrated Edition)
• Willie Nelson: Live At Billy Bob's Texas
• Windfall
• Wish You Were Here
• Ying Yang Twins: Puttin' It In
• You Do Your Thing
• Your Kung Fu Is No Good

Now, lest we forget, let’s take a quick peek and see what you good people are renting this week. All rentals are based on what is renting nationwide. Listing provided by the kind folks at billboard.com.

1. Something’s Gotta Give
2. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
3. Gothika
4. The Rundown
5. Brother Bear
6. Honey
7. Mona Lisa Smile
8. School Of Rock
9. The Missing
10. Dr. Seuss' Cat In The Hat

So there you have it, yet another week done. Now you know what is available for you to grab this week on home video, and that should satisfy the sexually deprived video geek in all of us. See you next week.

Hey, Erik!! You seen that damn lawyer of mine……….

link directly to this feature at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=1094
originally posted: 04/19/04 21:00:39
last updated: 04/20/04 01:09:10
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