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Film Fans Anonymous

By Chef ADogg
Posted 10/10/99 19:58:40

Hey, it's Chef ADogg, back again to throw in my two cents and (hopefully) entertain a few of you. I assure you that I do have a point, and if you pay attention carefully (through all the rambling, profanity, and drug analogies), you might just be able to make out the gist of it.

Now, I'd like to start off by making a statement: I am a film fan.

Those are great words, aren't they? Fun to say and even better to hear--it's like seeing someone wearing your colors and throwing up a sign.

You see him across the room--he's got geek eyes, rumpled clothes, and the general look of someone who's been up all night rewatching "Rope," looking for the cuts. You walk over, introduce yourself, and roll the dice: "I am a film fan."

Ahh. Now that is joy, to find someone with the same interest. There's nothing quite like it, is there? Someone new, a total stranger--the world opens up before you. All those movies, all those opinions. A minute ago you were standing by the punchbowl adding some kick and wishing the party wasn't such a drag; now you're engaged in a raging discussion about this movie or that movie--it really makes no difference.

But wait--I've made a mistake. I've spun my small scenario in present tense, which just ain't right, considering the quality of movies these days. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the huge mass of skanky pubic hair that is currenty clogging the gigantic drain we call cinema.

Perhaps I'm a minority here, but everyday I find it harder and harder to spit out those five simple words to anyone whom I've just met. Those who know me know all about my dirty little obsession--they know about the hours spent watching and rewatching the entire Orson Welles cannon, they know how I freak whenever something hits the theaters by a director that I like, and they know, most of all, that they better not even talk to me about movies because anything they like I hate, and everything I love they've never seen.

They KNOW that I am a film fan.

But my love for cinema is something that, as of late, I've been going to great lengths to conceal from the average passerby. I don't know exactly why, but I feel so guilty saying that I like movies. I mean, the average person I come in contact with hasn't seen anything before 1990, and, as we all know, this decade has amounted to one long masturbation session without climax (cinematically speaking, that is).

So they simply can't understand the joy of film. They probably think that I am a fool, that my hobby is a folly, and that I should switch my interests over to something more productive--like actually having a life.

Cinema fascination has become the love that dares not speak its name. And that, well, sucks. I personally blame Hollywood--not the place, mind you, but the vibe, the attitude. The style of filmmaking--crass, empty, and formulaic. It's not really important who is at fault here. Even if California and all its money hungry, white line snorting whores drifted off into the Pacific ocean, movies would still suck.

You're probably wondering by now what my point is. What I'm trying to say here is that we, as movie lovers, are in future years only going to become more introverted. You'll have your bunch of movie buddies who you can chit chat with, and that'll be it--there shall be no more branching out.

Unless, of course, my present idea is utilized: a club, or rather group of clubs. There will be one for every major metropolitan area, with buses ready to transport all us suburbanites to meetings. The clubs will be called Film Fans Anonymous.

It will be a way for movie geeks across the world to connect and discuss movies. Why is this such a good idea? A) If you only stick with a certain amount of friends, eventually the idea bank is gonna run dry. You can't find everything at Blockbuster, and with no one to suggest new movies, you'll run out of things to rent. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow--but one day. B) I don't know about the rest of you, but I get awful goddam sick of hearing the same comments day in day out from my friends. They like the worst movies (but they'd probably say the same thing about me) and they make the same observations about these movies. Everyday. I need to hear some new input. C) I thought it up.

That's pretty much it--Chef ADogg has had his say, I've laid my cards on the table. You're all free to go. But keep in mind everything that I've said, and start making new movie buddies now. You think films suck today? Imagine in ten years.

I know what you're thinking: Sounds a little Orwellian. But that's the same thing they said about "1984". Or something.

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