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2005: The Worst Year for Movies. Ever. Seriously. (So Far, Anyway.)
by Scott Weinberg

Not only is "Sin City" a unique and stunningly refreshing piece of cinema, but it simply could NOT have shown up at a better time. Today is April 1st, 2005, and we the moviegoers have just been subjected to three consecutive months of unmitigated garbage. So if you see your favorite critic calling "Sin City" the best film of 2005, you should ask them to come up with some loftier praise ... because 2005 has been a bottomless dumpster of cinematic refuse. Don't believe me? Ha.

By now it's common knowledge that early-year is NOT the time to find a quality flick at the multiplex. The first six weeks of the calendar year are generally reserved for low-budget genre fare and movies that studios know are plain old stinkballs. Plus it's snowing in most of the country, so why waste a big investment flick during a season like this? It all makes perfect business sense, but it also means an absolute nightmares for the hardcore movie freaks.

And 2005 might go down in history. Listed below, on a week-by-week basis, are all the "wide release" flicks released so far this year. Brace yourself.

For obvious reasons we'll start in January.

Week 1: Slow start. Only one wide release. White Noise - While it's always great to see Michael Keaton in a leading role, there's no getting around this painfully dry and formulaic little non-thriller. If it played during sweeps week on NBC, you'd tune out after the first commercial break.

Week 2: Coach Carter, Elektra, Racing Stripes - A carbon-copy inspiro-sports-drama, a formless, toothless super-heroine adventure, and one of the most obnoxious "talking animal" flicks ever made. (And I've seen Hot to Trot.)

Week 3: Are We There Yet?, Assault on Precinct 13 - A nail-on-chalkboard "family" comedy featuring two of the universe's most obnoxious children and a stylistically brain-damaged John Carpenter remake that clearly has no idea what the original was even about.

Week 4: Alone in the Dark, Hide and Seek - A low-budget horror trashpile of the stinkiest order -or- a paper-thin studio "thriller" cobbled together from a thousand dime store contrivances. Two worthless latecomers from the recent horror resurgence.

Yeah, that was January. What was your favorite film from that entire month? Let's just move on to February:

Week 5: Boogeyman, The Wedding Date - And you thought a new month would make things better! Ha. Here we have an absolute lunchbox of a "horror" flick, and a charmless rom-com that features bench-warmer leads and a screenplay comprised of absolute retardedness. Ugh.

Week 6: Hitch, Pooh's Heffalump Movie - The fact that a bland and predictable Will Smith romance manages to be the year's best movie (by default) says a whole lot about the refuse we're being offered every damn weekend. And I skipped the Pooh flick because I'm older than 4.

Week 7: Because of Winn-Dixie, Constantine, Son of the Mask - A shameless geyser of moppet-eyed syrup, a half-decent, half-nonsense Matrix Goes to Hell, and one of the most shamelessly atrocious in-name-only sequels ever churned out by the company that released Dumb & Dumberer. Remind me again why I love the movies so much. Please.

Week 8: Cursed, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Man of the House - Every weekend I wake up from a horrific nightmare, only to be confronted with even worse torture five days later. I mean, what are the odds that three movies this awful would open on the same day? That's like stepping in dog shit while taking three consecutive steps. Anybody who went to the movies this specific weekend deserves a free lap-dance from the Hollywood executive of their choice. Seriously.

So that's eight straight weeks and 19 movies. And the best you could say is "Um, Constantine wasn't awful, and errr, Sam Jackson was good in Coach Carter, and ... Cursed only made me fall asleep three times... Yeah, can we go on to March now? My eyes hurt."

Week 9: Be Cool, The Jacket, The Pacifier - A pointless ensemble sequel that avoids all the charm of its predecessor, a meandering little mind-bender obsessed with its own navel, and Vin Diesel making poopy jokes. At this point I'm not expecting to see ONE good movie this year. Ever.

Week 10: Hostage, Robots - Two rather brainless flicks that aim to dazzle your retinas instead of engaging your intellect. One features swoopy cameras and a sweaty Bruce Willis, the other has flashy animated geometry and a gaggle of Happy Meal character-types. Moving on...

Week 11: Ice Princess, The Ring 2 - When a quiet little Disney flick manages to be "not as terrible" as you expected it to be, and that feels like a cause for celebration ... you're not exactly having a good movie year. Oh, and here's another Xeroxed horror retread sequel of a remake product. Wonderful.

Week 12: Guess Who, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Beauty Shop - Another belabored racial comedy (mixed with that extra-profitable seasoning of Focker sauce), a shriekingly awful sequel to a movie that we never should have liked in the first place, and another Queen Latifah vehicle in which she gets sassy early and often. Ah, the artistry of cinema.

So that's 12 straight weekends. Three months of 29 wide-release films. The studio's "dumping ground" season has now been extended to cover one full quarter of the calendar year. I challenge anyone to find me a more dire and quality-free stretch than what we've just been subjected to. But it would be way too easy to just sit back and point fingers at the oh-so-inept movie machine; I blame all of us. When we stop going to movies while firmly stuck on auto-pilot, then we'll start to see more good movies wedged in amongst the ceaseless deluge of dreck. Stop going to the movies just to go; wait until something actually excites you and then go see that. There's just no good reason that there should even BE a Miss Congeniality 2, let alone a Miss Congeniality 2 that grosses 14 million clams in three days.

So if a lot of us professional movie geeks seem just a little bit overenthusiastic about the freaky greatness of Sin City, please do cut us a little slack. We've just spent three consecutive months mired in The Great Multiplex Travesty of 2005.

link directly to this feature at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=1430
originally posted: 04/01/05 08:54:02
last updated: 06/01/05 15:17:46
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