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Exclusive! Eric Kohn Texts from the Premiere of "Raiders of the Lost Ark"!

He can't wait to tell you he saw a movie.
by Rob Gonsalves

In the past couple of days, much has been made of movie reviewer Eric Kohn's rather unique treatment of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

Rather than just sit through it and watch it like any old boring reviewer, Kohn chose to live-blog the experience via text-messaging. There is precedence for this as Kohn himself points out, "As I understand it, none other than John Simon used to mumble to himself in German throughout many a screening."

What you may not know, though, is that Kohn who's been around for many years and looks quite young for his age did the same thing at the 1981 premiere of the first Indy adventure.

What's more, he was so ahead of the curve that he text-messaged his response to Raiders at a time when text-messaging didn't even exist. So after years of Kohn's messages floating around in the ether, we're just now receiving the official First Look at the new Steven Spielberg film, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Screens black. Crowds going wild. Somebody takes a photo.

Lucasfilm logo comes up. Somebody mumbles something in German.

Paramount logo turns into a mountain. People clap.

Three guys walking in forest. Don't see their faces.

Blah blah more walking around. Guy says something about Doritos.

Guy pulls a gun. Harrison Ford whips it away. Steps forward out of shadow. Kind of overdone. Why doesn't he just kill the guy?

They're at some temple.

Ooh spiders. Dead guy. Ford whips across big hole.

Don't step on tiles. Ford tiptoes across room. Why not just drop something heavy on floor and let all the darts shoot out before crossing the room? This movie sucks.

Gets idol, bag not heavy enough. Poor engineering.

Guy takes idol and whip. Ford trusts him. Idiot. Is he going to be this stupid the whole movie?

Jumps across hole, almost falls in. Gets out, guy dead.

Big rock. Looks fake.

Someone yells at me to turn phone off. Fuck off. I'm a journalist.

French guy takes idol. Ford gets away on plane. Big snake. Ford is afraid of snakes? Pussy.

Back at college. Blah blah blah. Nazis want some ark. Noah? No, some box with ten commandments. Never heard of it. More blah blah. Ass is falling asleep.

Ford gets on plane, goes to Nipal (sp?). Goes to see old girlfriend. I remember this chick from Animal House. More blah blah. He wants some medallion, she doesn't have it. Is there a point coming soon? Boring.

Ford leaves, Nazis come in. Weird guy with poker. Ford, apparently standing out in the cold all this time comes in just in time to whip the poker away from chick's face. Oh please.

Someone mumbles in German again. One of the Nazis? No, some old guy in next row.

Big shootout.

Chick gets medallion. "I'm your goddamn partner." Okay, whatever.

Now we're in Cairo. Blah blah fat guy with beard blah blah. There's a monkey. Monkeys are AWESOME.

Walking around Cairo. Bad guys. Punching and swords.

Big guy with sword. Twirling it around.

Shit, I was texting and missed it, why is everyone laughing?

(At this point the transmissions end, after Kohn loudly asks nearby viewers "What happened?" and calls someone on his cell phone to complain that he missed something, and then screaming and squishing sounds can be heard as someone apparently introduces Kohn's phone to his body rectally, mumbling in German.)

link directly to this feature at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=2485
originally posted: 05/19/08 21:52:29
last updated: 05/19/08 22:30:50
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