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All The News That's Fit To Ignore
by The Backroom Staff

Added 11/26/01:

"LET'S CALL IT DEAD-LEE AFFAIR!"

The estate of the dead Bruce Lee have given permission for his "likeness" to appear in an upcoming movie, thereby allowing filmmakers to create an entirely CGI version of the legendary martial artist.

I doubt I'm the first person to be saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK??? Were Lee's kids so hard up for crack money that they had to SELL their father's IMAGE? What if the filmmakers decide to morph Bruce into an anal 3-way with John Wayne and Liberace? What if audiences express disgust and nausea at the very CONCEPT of bringing movie stars back from the dead with a laptop?

It's tought to find new things to be disgusted by these days...

Congratulations Hollywood, you're still disgusting.

Added by Scott


Added 10/26/01:

SEND IN THE CLOONS:
Proving that what we already knew is true is indeed true, George Clooney has once again shown himself to be a genuinely nice bloke, and thrown verbal rocks at the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) for kicking three unknown actors out of the union for breaking last year's actors strike - while letting Elizabeth Hurley, Tiger Woods and Shaquille O'Neal off with a slap on the wrist. Mario Barbieri Cecchini, Gerry Donato and Robert Kalomeer have been booted form the union, effectively ending their careers as actors, after they were discovered working during the strike. But when Hurley was busted acting during the same period, she explained she had "no idea" a strike was taking place, was fined and thus let off. Tiger Woods actually flew to Toronto to try to get around the strike and make a TV commercial for a car company, but again he was let off with a fine (which was no doubt much less than his endorsement fee) and a public apology.
Says Clooney about the no-names on the receiving end, "The three of them needed the money a lot more than the other three. As a union, you cannot enforce laws based on celebrity, and the punishment must be uniform. This union was created not to protect the famous - they can take care of themselves - but to protect the struggling actor, even if that means from themselves." Right on, Cloons.

However it's all for nothing, since the SAG board expelled and publicly named the three struggling actors and even rejected Clooney's offer to pay their fines for them. SAG spokesman Greg Krizman was quoted as saying, "We appreciate George's thoughts. Our rules are not enforced based on celebrity and punishments are indeed uniformly based on the unique set of features of each individual case." Which can be translated as "I'm a smug bastard who knows we'll make a lot more money getting a cut of Tiger Woods' wages than those three punks who'll probably just go back to waiting tables and dealing crack. Are you my driver?"
- Contributed by Oz

Added 08/01/01:

KNIGHT(MARE) RIDER TO GET A MOVIE
I read it at IMDb, which is usually quite reliable, and the scoop is that Hasselschmoff wants the movie to be "sorta Matrix"-ish! AND they'll be bringing back dead actor Edward Mulhare as a HOLOGRAM! The lack of creativity in Hollywood is comparable only to its shocking lack of class.


Added 07/02/01:


ROLLERBALL KEEPS ON ROLLING...
The Hollywood Reporter (ahem) reports today that the not-so-eagerly anticipated Rollerball remake is being yanked from its August release date and that MGM is now targeting a first quarter 2002 date, as if anyone reading this doesn't know what a freakin' February release means! Quotes from MGM mecha include such pithy offerings as "I think the movie really has great potential" (as a tax write-off) and how he "really wants to do the job right" (since delaying a well-publicized film for six months really does wonders for word-of-mouth). Anyway, it was a bad fuckin' idea to begin with. Director John McTiernan should just be happy his paycheck doesn't bounce.

HE SHOULD HAVE USED HIS SPECIAL SAUCE
Oh, and Will Smith apparently saved some fan from choking in a Los Angeles Mall. The story goes that he went up behind her and started singing Parents Just Don't Understand when she whirled around and found a large portion of unchewed Whopper lodged firmly in her trachea. Allegedly the Fresh Prince then did what any pseudo-action movie star would do and flipped her around and Heimliched the meat out of her. Expect this story to reach theaters by mid-2003 under the title Big Black and The Main Squeeze. (Spike Lee is in talks to direct.)

Contributed by TheAngryJew


Added 07/01/01:

"SHOT THROUGH THE HEART/AND YOU'RE TO BLAME/YOU GIVE FILM/A BAD NAME"
Last week, Itemus, the Canadian company that took over independent New York film production and distribution company, Shooting Gallery, denied a trade report that it was planning to shut down the new acquisition. 24 hours later, it made itself a liar by sending all employees an email stating that they were all, as of that moment, terminated. Which is a nice way to treat people. Shooting Gallery was a pioneer in distributing small indie movies to mainstream audiences, most recently through their Shooting Gallery Film Series, which saw small arthouse and festival films such as When Brendan Met Trudy, Last Resort, The Day I Became A Woman and The Lowdown released in Loewes cinemas nationwide. Shooting Gallery also championed smaller indie films like A Time For Drunken Horses, Loving Jezebel, Last Resort and Too Much Sleep with minor distribution deals, and invested in numerous small non-commercial films. But thanks to Itemus, the only time "Shooting Gallery" will be mentioned in Hollywood from here on will be when someone asks the question, "Where's Robert Downey Jr?"

PEARL (NECKLACE) HARBOR?
The Malaysian government has announced that video pirates have flooded the underground market with thousands of copies of a film labeled Pearl Harbor that contains only five minutes of the actual movie, edited around hardcore porn scenes. An official of the Home Ministry, Mohamad Helmi Hassan, warned: "Parents should be careful and make sure they are buying the original version of Pearl Harbor for their children." The fact that the original version of Pearl Harbor *isn't yet for sale* seems to have escaped the Malaysians, whose rampant video piracy industry rivals only China's in scale. Parents should also be on the look-out for copies of Star Wars Episode 3: Anal Invaders, Womb Raider, and You've Got Crabs, starring Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf.

DUNST REFUTES NUDIE CLAIMS
Crazy/Beautiful director, John Stockwell, has done a backflip (he's very athletic) on claims that his lead, Kirsten Dunst, objected to, and demanded the deletion of, nude scenes in the film. Last month we reported that the WENN media outlet had quoted Stockwell as saying Dunst wanted the scenes out, but since then he's 'appeared' towards the end of several Dunst press interviews to 'confirm' Dunst's allegation that the story was just internet rumor-mongering. Yeah, damn those internet news sites for believing what directors tell them.

CAN A JUDAS PRIEST GIVE LAST RITES?
The producers of Marky Mark's upcoming rock movie, Rock Star (how did they come up with THAT brilliant title?) must be shaking in their patent leather booties. Judas Priest guitarist Glenn Tipton has made it clear that he's keeping on eye on the film with a finger firmly held over the 'lawsuit' button. The original screenplay to Rock Star was supposed to be about the lead singer of a Judas Priest cover band who was hired to front the actual band, but when the band demanded "creative control" over the project, Warner Bros told them to stick their demands up their unwashed hineys and wrote the band out of the film. Smart move, says Andrew Revkin, who served as creative consultant on the film after he wrote the 1997 New York Times article that inspired the screenplay. "If you were Warner Bros. and you were gonna throw $30 million into making a movie," he told MTV News, "would you want a bunch of middle-aged former heavy metal stars to have creative control?" Well hell, we say if the choice is between Judas Priest and Hollywood bosses like former hairdresser, Barbara Streisand boytoy and Batman and Robin producer Jon Peters, we'll pick the Priest, thanks very much. "When the final thing comes out... if people have misconstrued it with our story, then we will have to take some legal action," warned Tipton. Translated: If it makes lots of money, we're gonna come for our share.

-Contributed by Oz

Added 6/26:

THE GAUL OF STONE
I just read like the 17th article about how Stone's imbecile huband got his damn toe bit off by a Komodo Dragon at the zoo. She claims that her moronic hubby Phil Bronstein managed to subdue the beast while it was gnawing away at his big toe. (Yeah, right!!) I'm more likely to believe the zookeeper's story, which plainly states that the following things occured:

1. Phil dropped like a sack of doorknobs howling in pain.
2. Stone somehow fashioned a tourniquet out of her feminine hygiene products and then ran away shrieking like Amanda Plummer on white tar heroin.
3. The zoo animal expert guys pried open the lizard's mouth and did all the dangerous stuff, giving Stone and Bronstein ample time to devise some wonderful lawsuit concepts.

So here are some unanswered questions:
What the FUCK was the idiot doing in the cage of a wild animal? Yeah, I know he's famous, or he at least screws someone famous, but obviously that doesn't give him steel-plated toes now, does it?

Do most zoos have an "open-cage" policy that apply only to the rich and retarded? "Sure, Mr. Lillard! You can hop right into the polar bear tank if you want! Heck, you were in Wing Commander! Wait, here's some bloody meat to wear as a necktie!" Lastly, why didn't Ms. Sharon just use her patented Basic Instinct snatch-flash to distract the beast? You just watch. Those two dolts will OWN that zoo soon.

- Contributed by The Angry Jew


Added - 6/20/01

ANNA NICOLE TO LOSE HER ASSETS?
Oh relax, you tools. We’re not talking about the plastic ones, we’re talking about her ongoing court dramas with the kids of her late hubby. Anna Nicole was awarded $475m by a California court in March, but E. Pierce Marshall (who has so much money he can put an initial before his name and not get beat up for it) has since appealed the ruling. In late breaking news, a Federal judge has now denied Smith’s request that he dismiss Marshall's appeal, meaning the whole courtroom drama will have to be played out all over again. In response to the judge's complex ruling, Anna Nicole reportedly stated, “Me got big hooters,” and walked into a traffic light.

NYET TO JET
Hong Kong action superstar, Jet Li, is telling people to keep their children away from his upcoming film Kiss Of The Dragon. According to the IMDB, on his official web site (http://www.jetli.com) Li says, "Kiss of the Dragon is an adult movie and deals with adult themes of a man keeping his promise and understanding his responsibilities. The action scenes are also directed towards an adult audience and as such the movie is rated R. I ask that you please do not take your young children to see Kiss of the Dragon." In addition, we recommend that adults stay away too, leaving only the aged and the insane to line up for tickets for what, in all probablility, is another Americanized, sanitized, stupidized hack job compared to Li’s earlier Hong Kong classics like Once Upon A Time In China and Fist Of Legend. But Li’s not a complete box office bozo; he went on to add, "If you would like a movie to share with your children, please wait a few more months. On November 2, my film The One will be released. This is a PG-13 film and more appropriate for younger children to view." Though, again, we recommend giving it a miss unless otherwise informed by a respected critic.

“I LOVE BEING A TURTLE!”
Hong Kong action king, John Woo, has decided that what the world of cinema needs is not original stories, complex acting performances and loftier morals, instead he feels that what is missing is mutant turtles of the teenage ninja variety. That’s right, the embarrassment of the 80’s, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, is coming back to our screens. But wait up! Hold down those guttural screams, Woo’s plans might not be as hokey as they first sound. The original comic book series that the Turtles sprang from was a lot more edgy, violent and pizza-free than was the ridiculous G-rated version that hit cinema screens back when Vanilla Ice was king and Elias Koteas was the next big thing, and Woo not only wants his entry into the Turtle lexicon to go after the adult audience, he also wants to use computer animation, rather than giant Styrofoam turtle costumes, to make it work. Now, if he could only find a studio to spend the $56m Woo says he needs to make it happen…

“I LOVE BEING A KIMODO DRAGON!”
If there’s a more popular reptile in the greater Los Angeles area than Komo, the Komodo Dragon that chewed off half of Sharon Stone’s husband’s foot, we’d like to know about it. Newspaperman Phil Bronstein lost a big toe and had a bunch of tendons gnawed through when he and Shaz went for a stroll through Komo’s cage a few weeks ago, and it looks like he’ll spend the next four months in rehab before he’ll be lumbering around under his own steam again. But in the meantime, Komo has become LA’s most wanted. “It’s been incredible,” said zoo spokesman Lora LaMarca, " Everybody who comes in asks where the Komodo dragon is." Komo has reportedly impaled Bronstein’s big toe on a stake in the front of the cage, as a warning to other yuppies that it might not be a good idea to take a short cut through his turf on their way to grab a sno-cone.

“I LOVE RUINING MOVIES!”
Franky Ford Copolla is reportedly going to turn the classic 1950 Jack Kerouac novel On The Road into a movie. Coppola supposedly bought the rights to the book some years ago, but has only just found a suitable director. Can you guess who it is? Think Batman and Robin. That’s right, Joel “Phallus-Happy” Schumacher. Brad Pitt is being pursued to play the lead, Dean Moriarty. Behind the scenes, unknown 15-year-old oil wrestling enthusiast, Rex Luxaflex, has reportedly been tapped to provide “Close-up crotch shot lighting” and Des Moines drag queen Viagra Overlode is being wooed to fill the position of “Sock straightener”. When approached for comment, all Schumacher would state is “OOH! DEEEE-LICIOUS!”

“I LOVE BEING AN IRONING BOARD!”
The IMDB has reported that a BBC executive, head of radio drama, Gordon House, once took Callista Flockhart out to dinner before she hit it big as Ally McBeal, and she ate something! House recalled, "We were doing a radio drama - a World Service and Radio 3 production of The Glass Menagerie... After we recorded it I took the cast out to dinner and sat next to her. She was terribly thin even then - I think she ate just one pea." But it was a REALLY big one.

“I LOVE BEING NAKED! (Oops, who invited my mom?)”
Kirsten Dunst has smashed the dreams of 14-year-old boys and 43-year-old men everywhere by putting the kybosh on the two-minute nude scene in her upcoming flick, crazy/beautiful, because her mother didn’t feel comfortable about them. John Stockwell, the Director of the show, told WENN, "I think her mom was a bit taken aback. Kirsten felt a little uncomfortable about too much attention on the nudity in her first sexual movie," so he cut the scene in half and removed all the nudity. Which begs the question, what was she thinking when she got naked in front of 50 people and shot the damn scene in the first place? Granted, the strap-on scene might have been a bit much for some but…

- Contributed by Oz


link directly to this feature at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=392
originally posted: 06/22/01 15:38:06
last updated: 11/26/01 12:34:47
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