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Worst Movies From A-Z

 
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:40 pm    Post subject: Worst Movies From A-Z Reply with quote

Always (1989, Spielberg)
Batman Forever (Schumacher, 1995)
Crackers (1984, Malle)
Deal of the Century (1983, Friedkin)
Evil Toons (1992, Ray)
Freebie and the Bean (1974, Rush)
Girls Nite Out (1984, Deubel)
Heaven's Gate (1980, Cimino)
Inseminoid (1981, Warren)
Jake Speed (1986, Lane)
The Keep (1983, Mann)
Loose Cannons (1989, Clark)
Man Bites Dog (1992, Belvaux)
Natural Born Killers (1994, Stone)
The Osterman Weekend (1983, Peckinpah)
Prophecy (1979, Frankenheimer)
Quigley Down Under (1990, Wincer)
Ready to Wear (1994, Altman)
Second Sight (1989, Zwick)
Tai-Pan (1986, Duke)
The Unseen (1981, Steinmann)
Visiting Hours (1982, Lord)
Wild at Heart (1990, Lynch)
Xanadu (1980, Greenwald)
Your Friends And Neighbors (1998, LaBute)
A Zed And Two Noughts (1985, Greenaway)
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natasha_theobald
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Airheads
Bio-dome
Can't Hardly Wait
Down Periscope
Excess Baggage
Forget Paris
Garfield
Hanging Up
If Lucy Fell
Judge Dredd
Kiss Before Dying (Sean Young)
Losin' It
Money Pit
Nothing But Trouble
One Night at McCool's
Pay It Forward
Q????????
Renegades
Swordfish
Troop Beverly Hills
Up Close & Personal
Volunteers
Weekend at Bernie's II
Xanadu
You've Got Mail
Zapped
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Airheads: Proved Brendan Fraser has terrible comic timing.

Bio-dome: Arguably Pauly Shore's worst; but who wants to argue?

Excess Baggage: the director made such a superlative feature-film debut with Demolition Man that it was unfathomable why he chose this as his next project.

Forget Paris: Like Dreyfuss and Hunter in Always, Crystal and Winger have the abrasive chemistry of Drano.

Kiss Before Dying (Sean Young): Sad when the most notable thing about it is the nice lighting inside a library.

Losin' It: Even with it directed by award-winning Curtis Hanson, I turned it off after about 15 minutes. 1983's Spring Break is much, much better.

Money Pit: Rex Reed called it a comedy classic. 'Nuff said.

Nothing But Trouble: the kind of dunderheaded dud where a penis-shaped nose is supposed to be uproarious; that rare film where I actually felt sorry for Demi Moore.

One Night at McCool's: Only notable asset is Michael Douglas's Bingo-playing hitman; the rest is cannon fodder.

Renegades: I swear this was my runner-up for "R"; everyone in the discount theatre I saw this in were simply stunned it was so bad. Director Sholder did much, much better work with The Hidden two years prior. And as The Cowboy Way proved, Sutherland is deadly dull when he wears a mustcahe.

Swordfish: beyond bad; and, hey, Angela Bassett has way better tits than the woeful Halle Berry.

Troop Beverly Hills: Shelley Long is eons better in the excellent Irreconcilable Differences, I swear.

Up Close & Personal: did the unthinkable -- it unflatteringly lit Michelle Pheiffer.

Volunteers: yes, it's vicious-bad, but Hanks's line, "It's not that I can't help these people, it's well, I just don't want to." has always been a favorite of mine.

You've Got Mail: my runner-up for "Y". I mean, good gracious, a feel-good comedy about a man who runs his love interest out of frigging business!?

Terrific list, Natasha.
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natasha_theobald
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Nice write-up. I tried to pick only movies I have seen; nothing that I know to be terrible merely by reputation. That list represents so many hours of my life, so many dollars ill-spent, so many brain cells wasted. I feel the yuck of each and every one as I read over the list.
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Rob Gonsalves
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Almost Heroes
The Brady Bunch Movie
Chaos (Last House on the Left ripoff)
Don't Look in the Basement
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Fear Dot Com
The General's Daughter
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey version)
Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS
John Q
Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love
Lakeview Terrace
Marci X
North
The Omen (2006)
Patch Adams
Queen of the Damned
Radio Flyer
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Underworld: Evolution
Van Helsing
What Planet Are You From?
The X-Files: Fight the Future
You've Got Mail
Zombie (Lucio Fulci)
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MP Bartley
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rob, The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Really?

Wow, I kinda like that film a hell of a lot. Yeah, it's heavily flawed in some places, but it works like a beauty in others.
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

M.P.,

I also share a fair affectation for Emily Rose. It was the first film since Session 9 that actually managed to scare me, which is no small feat in a day and age of cookie-cutter "Boo!" moments.

Rob,

Almost Heroes: Most would cite the Farley-starring Black Sheep, which I think is quite underrated.

Chaos: It's disgusting for the sole sake of being disgusting; just knew that puss-filled outgrowth on the shoulder was going to get bitten into.

Don't Look in the Basement: Good to have another hospital-set horror flick making the list.

The General's Daughter: My "G" runner-up. Disgusting and morally reprehensible to the nth degree.

John Q: Kinda hard to root for a guy who disrupts the goings-on in a frigging emergency room for a family member's needs..

Lakeview Terrace: Makes the woefully-flawed Unlawful Entry look rather agreeable by comparison.

Marci X: Being that he praised this and Man Trouble and Ready to Rumble and Norbit, Armond White's comedy recommendations should be avoided like the bubonic plague.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace: Still can't get through this thing. It's stiff and moribund with not so much as an iota of spontaneity. Mahola Dargis rocked by giving this an F-rating in Entertainment Weekly in their critic's poll.

Teaching Mrs. Tingle: This is the only Kevin Williamson project that I actually like, and the always-welcome Marisa Coughlin blew the typically-subpar Katie Holmes right off the screen.

Van Helsing: Turned off after no more than 15 minutes. You really have to have talent to make something as titanically terrible.

What Planet Are You From?: Would Annette Bening have appeared in crap like this if she'd played Catwoman in Batman Returns rather than dropping out because she was knocked up by dinosaur Warren Beatty? I think not.

You've Got Mail: The Filmmakers Ain't Got Brains!

Zombie (Lucio Fulci): Sweet pick. Horror-film guru Mike Bracken and I have been going at it for years on the merits (according to Mike) and demerits (according to moi) of Fulci (not to mention, Argento). I will readily admit a liking for one of his films: the 1975 western Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that has not a single horror element in it, I swear.
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Rob Gonsalves
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Emily Rose annoyed the shit out of me, being little more than a feature-length ad for the Catholic Church.

The worst thing about Almost Heroes is that it's a blot on Christopher Guest's otherwise awesome track record.

Teaching Mrs. Tingle is an unacknowledged rip-off of Lois Duncan's Killing Mr. Griffin, only lamer and a complete waste of Helen Mirren.

My list was derived almost wholly from my list of reviews here on the site; I just scanned down alphabetically and looked for the one-star reviews. Many of them deserve Ebert's specially-reserved-for-morally-repugnant-films no-star rating.
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Kand El
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adaptation- I'm sure I'll get the Charlie Kaufman pitchfork and torch crowd on my doorstep for this one- but what do you expect when you have the nerve to tell me that hollywood produces crap... and then do just that as your "its Ironic... but it really isn't" punchline? In fairness, its probably Nicolas Cage's greatest performance, I liked 2/3rds of the effort, and that's a big part of what pisses me off- I really do get angry when I think about this film.
Batman and Robin- there are a few constants in these lists- this will be no exception. Hijacking an icon to perform your Gay Fantasia and then having the nerve to smugly tell people to "get over it there's a war on" (from a Village Voice Interview I believe) makes me want to take a blakjack to your head and put you on a bus to Laramie- and even I'm frightened that I could harbor such a disgusting, reprehensibly bigoted thought- that's how much I hate this film. By the way, the runner up would be Bad Taste a reminder that even talented filmmakers can have a bad student film in them. If you are wondering how poorly paced some sections of LOTOR turned out, look no further than this Peter Jackson first to see the seeds of how momentum can be stomped out of a film.
Captain America (Albert Pyunn's 1990 "effort")- a template for the low budget bad superhero film, yet still better than Batman and Robin in that at least it tried to give its protagonist a semblance of dignity.
Daredevil- a template for the bad superhero film that takes itself seriously, and proceeds to suck the fun out of the world in a 10 mile radius.
Elizabethtown- what else can I say? Painful, awful and Painfully awful. http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=12837&reviewer=358
From Justin to Kelly- I'm officially cheating. I'm unprofessional- I'm betraying every ethic I've supported since joining this site- I've never seen it and don't intend to and I'm still putting it on the list- because it just shouldn't exist- its a cash grab propping up the worst cash grab in the history of television.
Gigli- Cheating again- I've never seen it- the concept, brief clips, and presence of Hennifer Lhopezzz, and the line "Gobble Gobble" uttered by a supposed lesbian to a male are enough for me to spit on it sight unseen- Reeks of unprofessionalism, I know, I know.
High School Musical II- Okay, no more cheating- I have nieces and a nephew and I've had to sit through it- frankly I, II or III, its all the same film to me, just varying degrees of how hard you punch the horse corpse in the kidneys- the music is flat and cheap, same with the actors (except the one kind enough to show her tits and disprove the statement), and the whole thing makes Grease 2 look like "Madame Butterfly"- I hate this shit- it says a lot when this can displace any of the Highlander sequels from my Sauron-like evil gaze.
It's Pat the Movie- does it need an explanation?
Jaws the Revenge- as the first film must take top honors, so must the other represent the nadir of why lightning not only doesn't strike twice (or four times), but really should only strike once.
Kull the Conqueror- Robert E. Howard smiling from Valhalla? Conan the Barbarian. Robert E. Howard doing a centrifuge impression in his grave? Kull.
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen- template for what happens when you throw source material out the window- fuck you Don Murphy. Fuck you a hundred thousand times.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith- garbage. Its fucking hipster-smirking charmless garbage and cheats on its ending. Any gunplay your enjoying was the same gunplay you enjoyed in Hong Kong cinema of the past 30- to 40 years. Mullholland Drive just missed out as my reasons really make me look stupid and I can still rub one out occassionally to Laura and Naomi playing nippleball.
Nemesis (Star Trek:)- want to kill a franchise? This is how you kill a franchise. Take everything that made Star Trek interesting, hollow it out, cheapen it, and have Data sing. Oh and blow up the fucking Enterprise... again. Why not just pull a Van Sant and just keep releasing shot for shot remakes of Wrath of Khan? At least it would be more honest.
Orca- probably the one that I have misgivings about including on this list- its trashy and I love it- Jaws on speed.
Punisher (The) 2004 - a template for the superhero movie that tries to trick you into thinking its respecting the source material, when its actually pissing syphilitic urine all over it. http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=9242&reviewer=358- I still have to review the 1989 Punisher to explain why its not as big a failure as this one, and damn entertaining to boot.
Queen of the Damned- another constant, and not because there are so few bad films starting with Q- this actually deserves every heaping helping of shit thrown on it.
Road House- the TBS 1am filler that never gets old- its so colossally stupid, yet defies channel changing, and actually has some hilarious quotes- remembered fondly for how terribly written they are. "I thought you'd be bigger", "I used to fuck guys like you in prison".
Starsky & Hutch - the movie where Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn's schtick finally collapses in a mouldering heap as everyone funding their summer homes realizes they've been coasting on the same fucking jokes and characters for years. http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8800&reviewer=358
Toys- This one should probably be cut some slack from the sheer "What the fuck just happenedness" of the whole shebang. I, unfortunately, will not be the one doing so.
Underworld- There are a plethora of bad horror films out there- but at least the low budget ones show some effort- all I see here is money being poured down the drain to no effect whatsoever.
Van Helsing- I've seen a lot of bad films- but at least I've seen them with full attention- my brain actually crawled out of my ear and went out for donuts while I sat there stiffened in the epeliptic glow of failure eminating from the flick- http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=9518&reviewer=358
Wicker Man (The) 2006- seen that Youtube video yet? You should- I haven't seen awfulness distilled so purely since the Liquid Satan in Prince of Darkness, and what does it say when its so damn easy to do?
X3: The Last Stand- frankly its not the worst thing ever, but took everything enjoyable and compelling about the first two movies, sprinkled it with idiot dust, and injected it with 5 cc's of dumbass. Xanadu you expect to be shitty. After X1 and X2 nudging the bars ever higher, this is by far more disappointing.
Yellowbeard- as a Python fan, I sat down waiting to laugh. Years later, I'm still waiting. You Me and Dupree skates by on virtue of my not having spent even 5 minutes on it on cable.
Zapped- Scott Baio got laid how? Watched strictly as a giggling teenager hungry for tit shots. Today the difference would be the lack of giggles.

Wow. Lots of comic books and modern horror here - Interesting that the stuff that costs so much to make ends up being the shittiest stuff out there. I'm so pleased with my vitrol here and a chance to further whore my reviews, I actually want someone to pop up everyone's responses as a feature now. Damn. I feel like Grandma Dynamite again. Feels good. Gonna go work out now.

two comments on the choices of others:
Phantom Menace- still has the only moment of the three where I am moved to care about the characters, if but for 3 minutes- Revenge of the Sith is far, far worse for the brainless, ludicrous motivations of Anakin- really? You have a bad dream so its "kill kids" time? Really? And Hayden Christensen makes me long for the unrehearsed, non-precocious brand of sincerity of Jake Lloyd.
Nothing But Trouble- Dan Ackroyd hasn't been this funny in years- forget the sight gag- I still chase my wife around the house yelling "Now you've pinned the tail on the party hog! Take that groundworm!" Seriously I fucking piss myself over that character- its one of those movies nobody finds funny but me. And damn but its the most surreal thing I've seen out there.
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adaptation: Hated, hated, hated it. I knew I was in trouble at the beginning when Cage's agent says, "I'd like to fuck her in the ass." and then when another woman passes by, "I'd like to fuck her in the ass." Another eye-rolling example of a writer trying to be weird for the sole sake of being weird, which gets old real fucking fast.

Captain America: I've wanted to see this but just haven't been able to locate it at my video stores. I will admit, though, that Pyun's nerve-jangling Adrenalin: Fear the Rush made my top-10 of 1996.

Daredevil: I'm one of the few who likes this, with the main reason being it actually has the color, bounce and texture of a comic strip.

Gigli: I've seen far worse movies. Still, for Martin Brest having dumped that cinematic shitpile called Meet Joe Black on us years before, he deserved to go down on this critical and box-office disaster.

Jaws the Revenge: Runner-up on my "J" list. I must admit that I saw this at the first showing on opening day, and the audience was plenty POed that Van Peebles, who gave a very fine performace, was offed.

Kull the Conqueror: Haven't seen it, but 1983's Krull was bottom-feeder stuff, too.

Road House: I think the first-half is superb, but the follow-through is ultra-ridiculous and the tone turns jarringly unpleasant.

Toys: This was Levinson's Heaven's Gate.
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David Cornelius
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, am I the only one here that likes You've Got Mail? I mean, it's nothing great, but it's cute enough. I also think Phantom Menace gets a knee-jerk bad rap it doesn't deserve. So suck it.

Also, Jack, Jake Speed is one of my all-time imperfect faves. Back off!

Anyhoo:

The Astro-Zombies
Boat Trip
The Creeping Terror
Dolemite
Elves
Freddy Got Fingered
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Hercules Goes Bananas (aka Hercules in New York)
I Spit on Your Grave
Jingle All the Way
The Killer Shrews
Leprechaun
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Ninja the Protector
Orgy of the Dead
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Queen of Outer Space (I actually like this one, despite its badness, but was hard pressed for Qs)
Robot Monster
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Troll II
Under the Rainbow
Vulgar
William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet
X-Men: The Last Stand
Yor: The Hunter from the Future
Zarkorr! The Invader
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sheesh, David, I've only seen 4 of those films, with one of them, I Spit On Your Grave, a favorite of mine that's way better than Last House On the Left. And, yes, I expected to get some flack from you on Jake Speed in light of your very flattering review that I read before listing it to see if there was anything I thought I was missing out on. (Well, at least Anchor Bay apparently gave the film a very good anamorphic transfer.)

But, c'mon on You've Got Mail, man. "Cute"? I mean, the Hanks character runs his soul mate and her faithful employees OUT OF BUSINESS!! That's like Rhett Butler saying to Scarlett O'Hara, "I do indeed give a damn that your knockers just aren't up to snuff."



But, OK, I'll leave myself open to attack because I think Freddy Got Fingered is well-directed even though I'm sure veteran cinematographer Mark Irwin helped debuting-director Green out more than a bit.
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natasha_theobald
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Plus, Meg Ryan's cute schtick had a sell-by date, and it is way past its expiration. Watch me sneeze. Ahhhhchoooo. Wasn't that adorable? Whatever problems people may have with her serious roles, give me In the Cut over the cutesy crap any day.
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Jack Sommersby
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought she looked very hot as a brunette in In the Cut, and she's managed fine "serious" performances in Flesh and Bone and The Presidio -- the let-it-all-out scene with Sean Connery is quite affecting.
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David Cornelius
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, lordy, In the Cut. Yeesh!

As for You've Got Mail, I think it's a Hanks thing - he's looser there than in the horrid Sleepless in Seattle. As Shop Around the Corner remakes go, it's better than that bland Van Hefling one. (Plus, yay for Dabney Coleman.)

And anyone here who has seen Elves wins my respect.
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All I Want for Christmas
The Blair Witch Project
Carpool
Death Wish V
Eye for an Eye (Sally Field)
Fire Birds
Ghoulies II
Halloween: Resurrection
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Jack Frost (horror)
Karate Kid III
Look Who's Talking
Mac and Me
Not Another Teen Movie
One Fine Day
Pet Sematary
The Rookie (Eastwood)
A Stranger Is Watching
The Toy
Uncle Buck
Very Bad Things
Weekend at Bernie's II
XXX
Yes, Giorgio
Zombie Island Massacre
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