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Overall Rating

Awesome: 20.16%
Worth A Look: 10.08%
Just Average: 9.3%
Pretty Crappy: 5.43%

3 reviews, 111 user ratings

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White Chicks
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by David Cornelius

"Without the Wayans, who would make our offensive, unfunny comedies?"
1 stars

Egads. Double egads, even. Yes, folks, “White Chicks” is every ounce as bad as you think it might be, a terrible, unfunny disaster of a comedy. What was not expected is just how incompetent the whole affair is. I mean, it’s painful enough to see jokes bomb for 109 minutes straight. (109 minutes! That’s almost two hours of this crud. The mind boggles!) But for a movie to be so inept in its basic storytelling abilities just adds a new level to the hurt.

There are few people on the planet capable of such non-funny, and with Tom Green and Jamie Kennedy unavailable for the moment, the job fell on Keenan Ivory Wayans and a few of his brothers. Yup, another Wayans comedy. God help us all. And while it’s not as bad as “Scary Movie,” it is worse than “Scary Movie 2.”

Oh, and it took six people to write this movie. Six people. Six. Six! Now, put any six people in a room for a few hours, and chances are at least one of them will come up with at least one usable joke. Hell, put six monkeys in a room and chances are at least one of them will come up with at least one usable joke. And yet this never happened during the scripting of “White Chicks,” for reasons I do not even want to begin to contemplate. 109 minutes and not one good punchline. That’s one joke less than in “Schindler’s List.” How is this humanly possible?

The plot. Oh dear gravy, the plot. It’s a gender bender doozy that makes “Juwanna Mann” look like “Big Momma’s House,” or something. Shawn and Marlon Wayans - the Wayans version of Billy and Adam Baldwin - star as Kevin and Marcus, two bumbling FBI idiots whose M.O. involves unnecessarily complex makeup jobs like the one in the film’s opening sequence, which finds them done up as elderly (and very hairy) Latino stereotypes that even include the constant use of maracas. Yes, maracas. Kill me now.

Because these guys are complete morons, they bungle the bust and wind up on the chief’s bad side. (Yes, it’s one of those movies, with the frazzled chief and such.) The only assignment they can get is escorting two very ditsy, extremely obnoxious, endlessly screechy celebutantes to the Hamptons - an escort needed due to a possible kidnap threat. (Sadly, no one has bothered to kidnap any of the Hiltons. Those are two girls who could really use a good put-the-lotion-on-its-skin-or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again. But I digress, and I bring a potential libel case with me.)

For reasons way too asinine to bother repeating here, the girls wind up locked away in a hotel while Kevin and Marcus dress up like the girls and infiltrate the weeklong party. Because the guys are black and the gals are white, going undercover involves getting spraypainted a light peach and wearing freakishly pale masks and unearthly blue contact lenses. For some reason, everyone else think they look just like the real girls and not, as I saw them, like demented aliens with Tom Cruise-Vanilla Sky faces. And sweet sassy molassy, why do they think the only way to imitate Hilton-esque rich chicks is to do a bad “valley girl” voice circa 1983, mixed with a limp impression of the “SNL” Delta Delta Delta skits, which were pretty lame in the first place?

It is not enough that the crossdressing is crappy stuff, or that there’s a vile air of homophobia present throughout, or that when all else fails, the many, many untalented writers rely on diarrhea jokes and fart gags (and I loves me a good fart joke, when done well, which ain’t here), or that Marlon and Shawn are so wretchedly unfunny in every single frame of the movie. No, the Wayans had to go and put salt on the wound by trying to give us a real story, too.

So in between all the failed attempts at humor, we get some nonsense about the actual kidnap plot (involving a very embarrassed-looking John Heard); Kevin’s attempts to woo a reporter (by pretending, for reasons that are never explained, to be a basketball star); Marcus’ wife’s thinking that her hubby is cheating; and the self-esteem issues of a fellow rich white chick, played by Busy Philipps, a lovely and very talented actress whom I’m praying took the role for the paycheck and not because she thought it was any good (because, you know, it isn’t).

Sigh. The movie even tries to be sweet and even a little heartwarming in the final scene, a fact which even makes it a bigger failure. “White Chicks” is a flop in every regard, including the many continuity errors, logic holes, and just plain pieces of idiocy that I have not bothered to mention here. It is every bit as pitiful as you would expect, and then some. In other words, it’s the latest Wayans movie.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=10110&reviewer=392
originally posted: 02/25/05 01:58:19
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User Comments

8/13/16 David Hollingsworth No, absolutely not! 1 stars
4/12/14 FireWithFire I100% proof that Hollywood only hates WHITES, that Blacks are MORE RACIST than us 1 stars
10/10/13 Charles Tatum Laughless, with creepy make-up effects to boot 1 stars
1/10/13 Martel732 Dear FX Network: STOP PLAYING THIS RACIST,ANTI-WHITE, PIECE OF SHIT!!!! 1 stars
7/15/12 Dopey McDope this movie's great for nights in when you just want to laugh out loud...cwazy! 4 stars
2/01/10 JJ Okocha Very funny, saw it many times! 5 stars
12/14/09 Phineas But I'm sure black racists love every second of it.Paul Mooney must've ghost written it. 1 stars
1/09/09 Samantha Pruitt pretty bad, but still a funny movie! wayans are always ridiculous! 3 stars
11/21/08 Shaun Wallner Hilarious Movie! 5 stars
3/04/08 ladavies Shawn and Marlon were not funny. But Crews was the movies highlight. 3 stars
11/27/07 mike people need to get off their high horses. this was some funny shit! 5 stars
11/14/07 Dani It was by far the best movie ever. How cant a person just sit back and laugh hysterically? 5 stars
10/25/07 scbyfn4evr this movie is just racist, it's a double standard that this movie can even exist. 1 stars
6/13/07 Monica Funny shit. If a white man made this movie about a black chick. IT would be fucking funny. 4 stars
6/08/07 Danielle Ophelia Forget the Baldwins...Canada really ought to bomb the Wayanses. 1 stars
9/28/06 Jaz Hamilton this reveiwer goes on about black on white racism, but its like he hates black people! 4 stars
9/11/06 Eden You'll have more fun pouring acid into your eyes. Total crap just isnt low enough 1 stars
8/25/06 Nanni I love this movie, and Marcus, He is HOTT!!!! 5 stars
8/19/06 Beau A hilarious movie, a job well done by the wayans brothers 4 stars
7/30/06 Scotty I, unfortunately, saw this for free; what were they thinking?! 1 stars
7/17/06 ES Unsure how well the two 'girls' would be able to trick their real friends, Not really funny 2 stars
7/13/06 Stanley Thai It's a hilarious movie. Not bad at all. Some people just don't have a sense of humor. 4 stars
7/11/06 David Cohen Wayans, you used to be so funny, what happened to you? 1 stars
4/03/06 adrian Hilarious, some kornyness, but mostly hilarious! 5 stars
4/01/06 JRE if you want good black jokes, watch Chappelle. this sucks 1 stars
3/21/06 katie the best ever v funny 5 stars
3/20/06 Erin AWSOMELY FUNNY/ BF 5 stars
3/11/06 Chris Wilbik Turned it off after 15 minutes was awful. Did finally watch the whole thing, sorry I did. 1 stars
1/15/06 JM Synth Not exactly proud of this, but I laughed a fair bit 4 stars
11/14/05 Sugarfoot I don't know how to say this but..It's even worse than the Wayons movie Glimmer Man! 1 stars
10/30/05 mum absolutely crap 1 stars
9/20/05 Jonathon Holmes shameless sterotyping for laughs, insulting to the audience 1 stars
9/11/05 Total Crap Not FUNNY at all. It has fart jokes and unfunny racist humor. And I LOVE Racist Humor. 1 stars
9/10/05 sarah amazingly funny 5 stars
6/23/05 Weltner This & "Bringin down the House",most racist,anti-White movies of 2004.God bless Hollywood!! 1 stars
6/06/05 Mitch You dumbass Latrell is a basketball player not football try again 5 stars
6/04/05 Denise Gannon i'm waiting for the sequel... BLACK DUDES starring Paris & Nicole. 1 stars
6/01/05 Chris I don't know why,but sometimes the thought of men dressing up as women freaks me out! 3 stars
3/04/05 Carolyn Rathburn It was ok, I wouldn't go see it again 3 stars
3/04/05 Chris Stephens Couldn't make a worse movie if they tried 1 stars
2/26/05 Charlene Javier If not for the Wayans... 3 stars
2/25/05 Darlene Wright Crazy movie 3 stars
2/25/05 Denise funny 3 stars
2/25/05 Theresa Wagner Not what I expected 3 stars
2/24/05 ELI I think I laughed once... They look creepy. 2 stars
1/28/05 Carol Kelly I watched this movie at the dentist. The drilling was more pleasant. 1 stars
12/24/04 Freddy they look nothing like the real white chicks but still somewhat funny 3 stars
11/24/04 ricci ntihn 4 stars
11/22/04 Ed Wood, Jr. Quite possibly one of the most ham-handed, puerile, unfunny cinematic abominations ever. 1 stars
11/22/04 justin funniest movie 5 stars
11/21/04 Bell Girl Only morons and half wits would laugh at this trash. Someone put those Wayon brothers down 1 stars
11/14/04 Monster W. Kung *VOMIT* 1 stars
11/13/04 Gemma Some real funny moments! 4 stars
11/12/04 ainsley H -i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s 5 stars
11/04/04 Raine The ONLY funny scene was Latrell (Crews) singing "A Thousand Miles" - side splitting 2 stars
11/02/04 WatsUp Critics get too serious sometimes. We enjoyed the good laugh, although disgusting at times 4 stars
10/29/04 keith its so good, i'v seen it 4 times and i dont mind seeing it again! 5 stars
10/24/04 Tyrantis Enjoying this movie is like enjoying a Ku Klux Klan march. IT'S RACIST YOU MORONS! 1 stars
10/20/04 Danielle White Chicks was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. It was great! 5 stars
10/14/04 Deadshot Racist peice of crap movie, the western world has become a complete shithole. 1 stars
8/26/04 M Tedious but funny. 3 stars
8/26/04 Ammie Wright I really enjoyed it, it was funny. 5 stars
8/21/04 T Lucier This is a totally laughable comedy that is not meant to be examined too closely. FUNNY! 4 stars
8/06/04 Jason you could tell they were black even with the makeup, it looked like powder shit haha 1 stars
8/06/04 Nikolai Hey let's put black guys in that Vanilla Sky mask to do white-face! Get it? White-face !! 1 stars
8/03/04 Uncle Salty Beyond horseshit. Anyone telling you otherwise is lying. 1 stars
8/02/04 Anthony G you have to be the dumbest fuck in the world if you fall for there bullshit makeup 1 stars
7/27/04 phillip sucks so bad light can not escape 1 stars
7/23/04 Sandy Turynowicz I laughed so hard my eyes were watering! 5 stars
7/19/04 terrance Boring.. you can tell that they were men anyway a waste of good film and a waste of my time 1 stars
7/17/04 Andrew Russell It was an enjoyable film, u cant critise it 4 being unrealistic,was nvr intend 2 b that way 4 stars
7/15/04 S.F Just plain funny in bits. 3 stars
7/14/04 Warren This is the best comedy movie Made since Theres' Something About Mary, Awesome! 5 stars
7/13/04 The More You Know White guys would never walk a mile in a sista's shoes...still doesn't excuse this crap. 2 stars
7/10/04 martin Smith It's both dumb and funny 4 stars
7/07/04 Denise Duspiva some funny moments 3 stars
7/07/04 TWizzle May have been offensive, and crude, but yet still funny as hell. 5 stars
7/06/04 Johnboy dodgeball is a better choice 2 stars
7/06/04 Jennifer This movie was a F+. Very lame comedy at its best!! 1 stars
7/05/04 hispanic mami IT WAS FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/05/04 Talonsoft oh my god what was worse, the makeup, the plot, the "humor"? it was OFFENSIVE 1 stars
7/04/04 Jeff Semlow Please no more Wayans Brother movies! 1 stars
7/03/04 Beyonce209 That Movie was Hilarious! You obviously dont have a sense of Humor! 5 stars
7/03/04 asina I want to make a movie called "Black Chicks", about 2 guys who pretend they're black 1 stars
7/02/04 kpham Oprah Plugging this Movie! If it was named Black Chicks shed call in Jesse Jackson! 1 stars
7/02/04 djacosta Racist piece of shit 1 stars
7/01/04 Lissy I think White Chicks is one of the best and funniest movies i have ever seen. 5 stars
7/01/04 Johnson I liked the movie 5 stars
6/29/04 P Hizzy This movie had me laughing my ass off the whole way through. 5 stars
6/28/04 The Talking Elbow Holy fucking shit people, this is #2 in the box office and people LIKED it. 1 stars
6/28/04 Shylers IT WAS AWSOME 5 stars
6/27/04 StarGzrLilyChk This is flat out thee worst movie I have ever seen 1 stars
6/26/04 Al Johnson Laughed so hard I snorted 5 stars
6/25/04 Wildcarde1 I seen it for fre and i still asked for my money back, an insult to proud african americans 1 stars
6/25/04 John Big pile of cowflop. Moo-moo-moo! 1 stars
6/25/04 Stephen Spielborg It's better than "A.I." 1 stars
6/24/04 Gray better than moores shit but still shit 1 stars
6/24/04 Goad The wayans bros. are the Ed Wood of comedy movies.Every single one of them. 1 stars
6/24/04 Jenny from da block What if 2 white dudes dressed up as 2 black chicks? 1 stars
6/24/04 Brian Who didn't see this crap coming? 1 stars
6/24/04 Help! My Brain Is Still Turned Off! I must contribute my low vote to this total shit movie. 1 stars
6/23/04 melanie They are done, pissed off all white girls 2 stars
6/23/04 MalkNtnt It would be racist if it were two white guys in blackface with a title like: Black Bitches! 1 stars
6/23/04 You've been served That dance seen was good. I love that Tricky song. 2 stars
6/23/04 Neil Couldn't agree more, I also hate the Scary Movie series. 1 stars
6/23/04 chicodude If you pay money to see this movie, you deserve whateve happens to you. 1 stars
6/22/04 Kevin I actually was suprised to say it made me laugh alot for such low humor. Not too bad 4 stars
6/18/04 Ray Horrible 1 stars
6/17/04 Ken You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. 1 stars
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  23-Jun-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 26-Oct-2004



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