White Chicks

Reviewed By David Cornelius
Posted 02/25/05 01:58:19

"Without the Wayans, who would make our offensive, unfunny comedies?"
1 stars (Sucks)

Egads. Double egads, even. Yes, folks, “White Chicks” is every ounce as bad as you think it might be, a terrible, unfunny disaster of a comedy. What was not expected is just how incompetent the whole affair is. I mean, it’s painful enough to see jokes bomb for 109 minutes straight. (109 minutes! That’s almost two hours of this crud. The mind boggles!) But for a movie to be so inept in its basic storytelling abilities just adds a new level to the hurt.

There are few people on the planet capable of such non-funny, and with Tom Green and Jamie Kennedy unavailable for the moment, the job fell on Keenan Ivory Wayans and a few of his brothers. Yup, another Wayans comedy. God help us all. And while it’s not as bad as “Scary Movie,” it is worse than “Scary Movie 2.”

Oh, and it took six people to write this movie. Six people. Six. Six! Now, put any six people in a room for a few hours, and chances are at least one of them will come up with at least one usable joke. Hell, put six monkeys in a room and chances are at least one of them will come up with at least one usable joke. And yet this never happened during the scripting of “White Chicks,” for reasons I do not even want to begin to contemplate. 109 minutes and not one good punchline. That’s one joke less than in “Schindler’s List.” How is this humanly possible?

The plot. Oh dear gravy, the plot. It’s a gender bender doozy that makes “Juwanna Mann” look like “Big Momma’s House,” or something. Shawn and Marlon Wayans - the Wayans version of Billy and Adam Baldwin - star as Kevin and Marcus, two bumbling FBI idiots whose M.O. involves unnecessarily complex makeup jobs like the one in the film’s opening sequence, which finds them done up as elderly (and very hairy) Latino stereotypes that even include the constant use of maracas. Yes, maracas. Kill me now.

Because these guys are complete morons, they bungle the bust and wind up on the chief’s bad side. (Yes, it’s one of those movies, with the frazzled chief and such.) The only assignment they can get is escorting two very ditsy, extremely obnoxious, endlessly screechy celebutantes to the Hamptons - an escort needed due to a possible kidnap threat. (Sadly, no one has bothered to kidnap any of the Hiltons. Those are two girls who could really use a good put-the-lotion-on-its-skin-or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again. But I digress, and I bring a potential libel case with me.)

For reasons way too asinine to bother repeating here, the girls wind up locked away in a hotel while Kevin and Marcus dress up like the girls and infiltrate the weeklong party. Because the guys are black and the gals are white, going undercover involves getting spraypainted a light peach and wearing freakishly pale masks and unearthly blue contact lenses. For some reason, everyone else think they look just like the real girls and not, as I saw them, like demented aliens with Tom Cruise-Vanilla Sky faces. And sweet sassy molassy, why do they think the only way to imitate Hilton-esque rich chicks is to do a bad “valley girl” voice circa 1983, mixed with a limp impression of the “SNL” Delta Delta Delta skits, which were pretty lame in the first place?

It is not enough that the crossdressing is crappy stuff, or that there’s a vile air of homophobia present throughout, or that when all else fails, the many, many untalented writers rely on diarrhea jokes and fart gags (and I loves me a good fart joke, when done well, which ain’t here), or that Marlon and Shawn are so wretchedly unfunny in every single frame of the movie. No, the Wayans had to go and put salt on the wound by trying to give us a real story, too.

So in between all the failed attempts at humor, we get some nonsense about the actual kidnap plot (involving a very embarrassed-looking John Heard); Kevin’s attempts to woo a reporter (by pretending, for reasons that are never explained, to be a basketball star); Marcus’ wife’s thinking that her hubby is cheating; and the self-esteem issues of a fellow rich white chick, played by Busy Philipps, a lovely and very talented actress whom I’m praying took the role for the paycheck and not because she thought it was any good (because, you know, it isn’t).

Sigh. The movie even tries to be sweet and even a little heartwarming in the final scene, a fact which even makes it a bigger failure. “White Chicks” is a flop in every regard, including the many continuity errors, logic holes, and just plain pieces of idiocy that I have not bothered to mention here. It is every bit as pitiful as you would expect, and then some. In other words, it’s the latest Wayans movie.

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