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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.06%
Worth A Look: 10.91%
Just Average: 5.45%
Pretty Crappy: 16.97%

7 reviews, 123 user ratings

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by Collin Souter

"Dear Halle. Please return your award NOW! Thanks. The Academy."
1 stars

This my cat can do: She can perform all the primary feline habits, such as eating, sleeping and crapping a tiny mudslide on the driveway on which the bugs can play. She can let out a whine of a meow when she needs nourishment from me, the Food Giver. She can hop up onto my bed and lay there for eight hours straight. She can run up a tree for no reason, realize she ran up a tree for no reason, observe her surroundings, and then climb down. She can play with her toy sheep that has been stuffed with catnip. She wrestles it, throws it around and licks it in areas that would land a human being in jail. And, yes, she can lick her own ass. So, when I see a movie titled Catwoman about a woman who becomes a feline superhero, I expect to see more than a few of these tricks performed.

Aside from eating and sleeping, which also happens to be the audience activity during this movie, none of these tricks ever see the light of day in Catwoman. Halle Berry does not crap in a litter box, molest a toy sheep or lick her own ass. Ha! Some cat! This, Halle Berry can do (as Catwoman): Swing a bullwhip, wear leather, look hot, sort-of play basketball and kick some ass. I started to imagine my cat playing basketball and how cool that would be. She would wear a jersey, join a little league team, cause announcers to gape in awe at the cat who played basketballTom, Ive never seen anything like this! and win the game!

Shucks, that could never happen and, throughout many sequences in Catwoman, I expressed those same words. But it did happen. Catwoman happened and its happening right now. Ive never seen anything like it. Catwoman goes so far out into the stratosphere of bad filmmaking that it almost scrapes genius. It contains so many pointless, laughable action set pieces and gaps in the narrative that one can only picture the executives at Warner Brothers sitting in the screening room looking to change their names at the top of their resumes. Heres my advice: Stick to having a first and last name. Dont call yourself, as this director does, Pitof (or McG or Kaos, for that matter).

In fact, I wouldnt even call this movie Catwoman. To me, the most intriguing character has to be her love interest, Tom Lone, played by Benjamin Bratt. So, lets take the storyline description portion of this review and pretend its not about Catwoman, but about Tom Lone, the worlds most defective detective. Lets forget about the plot involving Sharon Stone as the wife of an evil cosmetics mogul out to launch his latest product that causes women to look the same age forever. Lets forget about how Halle Berry seems at a loss on how to play an average, frumpy peon on the corporate ladder. Lets forget about all of that and look at the movie from another characters perspective.

Meet Tom Lone. The first time Lone sees Patience Phillips (Catwomans original persona), she stands outside her apartment attempting to rescue a kitty from a high ledge. Her feet rest on an air conditioner about to give. Lone thinks she is attempting suicide, disregarding the fact that if she were, she would probably pick a much higher building and not one at which these two can still hold a conversation.

Lone rescues her. Later on, he asks her out to a cup of coffee, almost as if to say, I know where coffee is. I will take you to the coffee. She accepts, but because of other commitments, like turning into a cat (whoops! I gave away the ending), she cannot make it. She sends a coffee cup his way that has the word Sorry written on it. Thats nice. Meanwhile, there seems to be a string of murders and robberies going on by a mysterious Catwoman. Lone is put on the case with no partner, see, because his name is Lone. Later on, he comes across a bag of jewels from one of the robberies with the word Sorry written on the bag.

Now, any baked or drunken Cheech, Chong, Harold, Kumar or Arthur can look at these two scribblings of Sorry and see they were both written by the same person. Not this detective. No, Lone actually takes these two items to the forensic lab to have them analyzed. You can see the loop in the y are identical Yes, we can see that. How come this detective cannot? Without the slightest air of suspicion, Lone goes out on an official date with Patience, who has since cut her hair, lost her job and developed an insatiable appetite for sushi. In her apartment and after they have sex, he finds another suspicious item: One of Catwomans little claws, the same kind he found at the jewelry store robbery. This, of course, does not lead to him arresting Patience/Catwoman. This leads him back to the forensic lab for further analysis.

Still not the least bit suspicious, he goes out on ANOTHER DATE with her, this one resulting in a cataclysmic ordeal involving a Ferris wheel going haywire with Lone and Patience sitting at the top. Knowing a thing or two about Ferris wheels (but nothing about detective work), Lone hops down and saves the day by wedging a crowbar in between the gears so as to stop it from, uuhhgoing haywire? Sure. Likewise, Patience helps a child from falling, though it remains unclear how they ended up safely on the ground. Lone admires Patiences ability to maneuver through an action sequence with the greatest of ease, yet NEVER asks how she could save a child from high atop a Ferris wheel, but not save a cat from high atop her apartment building.

Still not the least bit suspicious that Catwoman and Patience are one in the same, Lone finds himself in an action sequence involving the two. Because Patience wears a black mask that only covers her hair and ears, Lone does not put two and two together. Only at the end when she sits behind bars does it dawn on him and thats why I find him so fascinating. Not because he visits elementary school classrooms where teachers dont exist; not because he and Patience can go through a basketball sequence for three minutes without ever trying to make a basket; not because he seems to always know where the action is at any given momentbut because he seems so clueless about all of it. His incompetence is almost endearing.

Catwoman is anything but. Most reviewers have pointed out the conflicting nature of the film in that it condemns cosmetics companies for making women feel ugly once they turn 40, yet were supposed to love scantily-clad Halle Berry for looking hot. Thats all true. This movie doesnt owe so much to Julie Newmar or Michelle Pfeiffer so much as it does to drummer Peter Criss of KISS. Its an adolescent fantasy run amok. The acting is Community Theater awful and the editing looks as though someone had just discovered Avid and just wont leave it alone. True, Halle Berry looks hot, but I have never found anything sexy about mine, or anybody elses cat.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=10221&reviewer=233
originally posted: 07/26/04 00:17:00
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User Comments

9/08/18 life-tupper SityStyle.ru - самые свежие новости красоты,диет,рецепт 2 stars
12/28/17 Dane Youssef If this thing was more like BATMAN RETURNS and less like SUPERGIRL... Made for MST3K. SHUN. 1 stars
10/08/17 ksandr289@yandex.ru Бесплатная доска объявлений Webdoska — это сайт, где 2 stars
5/08/17 sergtovar Интернет-магазин SergTovar по продажам автонаполняющ 2 stars
12/21/16 Ifvremya Cамые свежие новости о главных событиях власти,по 2 stars
5/16/16 domnazavist Самые лучшие курсы обмена денег 2 stars
3/18/16 Ifvremya Cамые свежие новости о главных событиях власти,по 2 stars
3/17/16 domnazavist Самые лучшие курсы обмена денег 2 stars
1/22/16 plvuyjrkg USA 4 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth these claws are pretty dull 1 stars
8/22/15 Lbvfittf WfDEVy Medical marca vs security mg and card generic net contra cialis help contro master., 5 stars
7/23/15 kjvewghldea USA 4 stars
7/18/15 cialis toulouse USA 2 stars
11/15/14 Morris What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 2 stars
11/09/14 Connie Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 5 stars
10/24/14 Juan Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" ">admini 4 stars
9/14/14 wes Attributing negative reviews of this film to racism might be the worst thing I've ever seen 1 stars
3/22/14 Robert I liked it. Not a great movie, but worth watching. 4 stars
1/17/14 Roger Tompkins Not a film wanna-be aficionado, just a guy who loves a film that keeps my attention. 5 stars
11/21/13 John Men rate it poorly because the "good guy" doesn't get the cat in the end. 4 stars
6/01/13 Magenta Fantasies It's not a faithful adaptation, but it's a very enjoyable movie in its own right. 4 stars
5/27/13 RIc F**K EVERYONE, I LOVE THE MOVIE!! 5 stars
9/21/12 Quigley Truly one of the worst films ever made. It's a great education on how NOT to make a movie. 1 stars
11/25/11 Kitty Boo Loved it! 5 stars
7/28/11 ROBERTO D OCHOA i LOVED IT. 4 stars
2/19/11 Ark Giant turd, the finale fight scene with her and Stone wasn't too bad! And wtf with the cat? 2 stars
2/03/11 man horrible 1 stars
3/16/10 P.N. Guin It's great! 5 stars
1/09/10 Charlotte O I really liked this movie. What's up with all the bad reviews?? 4 stars
11/24/09 chake comment2 <a href="katalogue.ru"> </a> 3 stars
8/20/09 cousen01 www xxbb com 5 stars
8/18/09 daria sgJ97l Gra7noI59Unral92Bb7wf 3 stars
7/20/09 boris comment3, 3 stars
6/04/09 art KITTY LITTER!,that's what this film is!,PURE KITTY LITTER! 1 stars
5/10/09 chris leasmith IS THIS REVIEW A JOKE!!! ITS BAD, REALLY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/04/09 Alfonso Turnage I must admit I liked Elektra better than I eventually liked Catwoman, but I loved this . . 4 stars
8/20/08 Shaun Wallner This one was kinda boring. 1 stars
8/14/08 AnonAnonAnon Wow... good job turning this into a racial issue with the last sentence. 1 stars
7/27/08 JoJo i loved and i ve watched it 90 times!!!!!! 5 stars
6/20/08 David V I should've watched my neighbor's vacation videos instead. 1 stars
6/08/07 Danielle Ophelia "Halle Berry is not much more than eye candy with delusions of grandeur." Thank you, Scott 1 stars
4/22/07 David Risser The villainess looked so fake. 2 stars
3/19/07 dude terrible 1 stars
2/18/07 Dark Enchantress I hated this girl as catwoman! If i could give it a "zero" star, i would! Horrible plot! 1 stars
12/21/06 David Pollastrini HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE 2 stars
10/01/06 William Goss Doesn't the Geneva Convention prevent people from enduring things like this? 1 stars
4/06/06 Troy M. Grzych A comic book film that does not stay true to it's roots...will not have fans. 2 stars
4/01/06 Thomas Semesky The movies is silly, a total waste of talent. 1 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Like Nostradamus, I fortold doom. And DAMN was I right!!! Halley Berry won an oscar? 1 stars
11/25/05 cr halle berry play sexy and cool catwoman but the story was boring and lame and cgi overdone 3 stars
11/20/05 Steve Michaud And who said this was a comic book movie? 1 stars
11/07/05 LP Quagmire The most underrated comic book movie ever. Halle, you go, girl! 5 stars
10/31/05 millersxing written by circus cats trained by Siegfried & Roy (explains the whip/leather fixation, no?) 1 stars
10/13/05 Georgie Best Being stapled to the floor whilst being eaten by your cat is more fun. 1 stars
9/20/05 Jonathon Holmes what a laughable piece of shit 1 stars
7/31/05 R ....................pffff, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! 1 stars
7/22/05 Duffyboy666 A step-by-step guide how to NEVER produce a comic flick. Shite. 1 stars
7/18/05 Brandy Harrington NOT 1 PERSON HAS RATED IT AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
6/19/05 Manu Ginobli just look at some catwoman porn instead. (it exsists, check it out) 1 stars
6/13/05 i am god i would rather take a shit 1 stars
5/19/05 susan varney even halle said it sucked 1 stars
3/29/05 Vince Only good thing in this pile of shite is Hale in leather. 1 stars
3/25/05 Denise ok 3 stars
3/21/05 craig varney if not for halle berry totally unbearable 1 stars
2/24/05 ELI So god awfully stupid it's funny. If I saw it in theaters, I would've laughed more 1 stars
2/16/05 Cody a average movie with cool character, halle is pretty, but not best catwoman 3 stars
2/06/05 Kenneth Helmick Hey, Steel was awesome! 1 stars
2/05/05 Amy Bradshaw Not as bad as people make it sound, it was entertaining enough, but just that. 3 stars
2/01/05 Lynde Foy total embarrassment to filmmaking--Berry should be ashamed of herself 1 stars
1/31/05 Danita Berg Wow....I've had more fun washing my cat. 1 stars
1/31/05 Robert Pfeifer the worst movie I've seen since... Batman And Robin!! Why did they even bother? 1 stars
1/29/05 bongeezer Halle Berry with a whip... And I was still bored! That's a bad movie. 2 stars
1/29/05 Caroline I saw this movie 2x (inafluke), and I was so bored the 2nd time, I threw twizzlers. :) 2 stars
1/29/05 Fred Pellerito Should have save their money and made it a cartoon instead 1 stars
1/29/05 dana hammell I enjoyed this movie 4 stars
1/29/05 terri shaw Oh wekk what do I know I liked it and could watch it with my kids ! No nightmares here. 4 stars
1/24/05 tatum If only the director had managed to stage a coherent shot 1 stars
1/19/05 ALDO crap story..and way 2 much pop music 2 stars
1/19/05 American Slasher Goddess Painfully awful 1 stars
12/25/04 Louie What were they thinking when they made this mess? 1 stars
12/12/04 Vince The beginning was not that bad... then it went downhill, fast 2 stars
10/29/04 Scott Roen I enjoyed this, but mostly because I didn't build my expectations up 3 stars
10/14/04 Regina George didn\'t really survive the school bus accident Unlike the Michelle Pfeiffer version, at least it tells a coherent story. 3 stars
9/13/04 the bride excuse me while I go and slit my wrists for being STUPID enough to see this. This is fucked 1 stars
9/05/04 johnnyxxx oh my, I thot it was a TV commercial 1 stars
8/27/04 Mike Stanbridge The DVD will probably come in the Batman Begins action figure releases just to get rid of t 1 stars
8/24/04 K Man plop 1 stars
8/15/04 McGraw Cat Scratch Fever that feels like AIDS. 1 stars
8/12/04 lawhog44 Ultimate blackmail: "My way, or the Garfield/Catwoman double feature." Kill. Me. Now. 1 stars
8/11/04 Ganglia damn... just... damn. download it and laugh your ass off 1 stars
8/10/04 f up Halley Berry is overrated, and is full of herself, has a big camel-toe in this movie.sucks 1 stars
8/10/04 Who Cares? There's a special hell for freaks who liked this movie!! 1 stars
8/10/04 QT The Bruce Lee suit as in Kill Bill...why? 1 stars
8/09/04 McGraw HAH! AHAHAH!!! HAAAAAAAHAHA...seriously, folks. It sucks. 1 stars
8/03/04 Uncle Salty I'd rather pound my balls flat with a splinterred wooden mallet than see it again. 1 stars
8/02/04 Matt Thiel Lame 2 stars
8/01/04 Ann Total Crap. I have never left a movie before it is over, but this one did it to me. 1 stars
7/30/04 arctic What was the point besides getting to war the tight outfit? 2 stars
7/29/04 Nikolai A non pretentious popcorn flick ok soundtrack effects tasty eyecandy bring a chick 4 stars
7/28/04 NiraliKumar Close to the comic book, better read it instead of watching it. Nice effects tho. 2 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans weak 2 stars
7/27/04 WES NILES I LOVED IT! ...I laughed a little, and I cried a little. what more can one ask? 1 stars
7/27/04 Brad What a waste of my time 1 stars
7/26/04 J.D. Semlow Yeah, what they said! 1 stars
7/26/04 paks Not fit to be used as kitty litter 1 stars
7/26/04 robert berkoff another gigli 1 stars
7/26/04 this bitch won an oscar? Ive heard they already started to film part 2! 1 stars
7/25/04 Spay this cat! This morning my cat coughed up a disgusting furball more entertaining than this SHIT movie. 1 stars
7/25/04 Katie this movie is terrible 1 stars
7/25/04 Realitik Ashley Judd was smart to turn down this absolutely terrible role... not even worth renting! 1 stars
7/24/04 Drew-P Halle is hot, but not hot enough to sit through that. 2 stars
7/24/04 AK47 "Oops, my bad". Fuck you Halle and everybody involved in this POS. 1 stars
7/24/04 Conor Great awful 1 stars
7/24/04 Atanu Halle berry was never an actress. That she got an oscar is a travesty. 1 stars
7/23/04 tank1229 save your money 1 stars
7/23/04 Christina neuter this pussy 1 stars
7/23/04 Brian is DC doomed to an eternity of crappy hero movies? 1 stars
7/23/04 Mix Master Mason Turd City! Millions of dollars down the tube, should have been direct to DVD. 1 stars
7/23/04 Anthonyk Check this one for Fleas - DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY! 1 stars
7/22/04 Scytherius Warner Bros burns $100 million on the corner. Horrid. 1 stars
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  23-Jul-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 18-Jan-2005



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