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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.06%
Worth A Look: 10.91%
Just Average: 5.45%
Pretty Crappy: 16.97%

7 reviews, 123 user ratings

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by David Cornelius

"Wow. I just... I mean... WOW. I... um... huh. Yeah. Someone made this."
1 stars

Sweet holy mother fudge buckets, Catwoman is even dumber than I possibly could have imagined. As comic book movie bombs go, its not nearly as awful as Batman & Robin, but its worse off than, say, Steel. So you can see were in a fairly terrible area here.

Oh, and its directed by someone named Pitof, and how I wish I were kidding. Pitof is the kind of name given to a prissy fashion designer or other ridiculously pretentious artist, and every time I hear the name, I envision Will Ferrell in Zoolander. Pitof knows nothing about movie direction, but he can sure make Halle Berry look sizzling in leather! (Pitof is in reality a former visual effects dude who has worked on such projects as Alien Resurrection and The City of Lost Children. But the fashion designer angle is funnier, isnt it?)

The biggest problem with the movie is that its locked in a paradox of trying to distance itself from its comic book roots yet keep a comic book plot. The title character, played by Berry, is not Selina Kyle, the expert cat burglar of the Batman legend, but some mousy advertising artist named Patience Phillips. Her origin tale is lifted not out of the funny books but from the reworking the Selena character got in Tim Burtons Batman Returns: Patience inadvertently runs into her boss late at night, uncovering said boss criminal doings, getting good and killed for her discovery. Shes found by a bunch of cats and is somehow returned to life, complete with a bold new personality. She now has many behaviors of a cat, which includes scratching up the couch, sitting on your newspaper when youre trying to read it, and peeing on the drapes.

Anyway. Patience works for a cosmetics company thats about to release a highly toxic, highly addictive skin cream, and so our new hero (more on that in a minute) spends the rest of the picture avenging her own murder (crap, another movie reminding me of that overrated assfest The Crow) and fighting cosmetics mogul Sharon Stone (!) and her hubby, Lambert Wilson (the Merovingian himself), whom we know is the bad guy because he is British.

Back to that hero thing. The character of Catwoman has always been that of a villain, the thief with a decent heart who in later years went on to become a kind of reluctant hero, or, at least, a criminal who fought worse criminals. The movie has no idea how to handle this sort of complex character - it wants to make Catwoman a pure hero, but how? So we get some sloppily written nonsense about how Patience is overcome by her new Catwoman persona to steal a bunch of jewelry (stopping other crooks in the process), but then she returns the goods the next morning - with cupcakes!!! - once she awakens as Patience and realizes what shes done.

Oh, and what of Sally (Alex Borstein), Patiences overly cute best friend? In a completely useless subplot, she lands in the hospital after taking too much skin cream makes her pass out (one of the side effects of the addictive lotion). Point one: the cream is so toxic that once you stop using it, your skin disintegrates. We see this happen to one character - but it never happens to Sally. Why? Because we like her, I suppose, or maybe the writers just forgot about it.

Point two: When Sally calls Patience from the hospital, shes not calling from her room, but instead from the nurses station. I have no point to this other than what the frick?

The rest of the plot is rounded out with an appearance by Benjamin Bratt as the sexy cop hot on Catwomans trail. Oh, and this cop is also dating Patience, making him the dumbest cop on the planet. It takes analysis of a lipstick mark to prove the two are the same person - instead of the many times he sees both up close, complete with conversation. Dude, when your girlfriends brand new haircut looks exactly like Catwomans brand new haircut, thats a good clue right there, dontcha think?

Hot damn, this has to be the dumbest movie Ive seen in a long time, and Ive seen Torque. Its plotting is a mess of half-formed ideas, its acting atrocious (Stone seems to be the only one who realizes shes in a bad movie - and she still gives a lousy performance!), the script downright laughable (watch for the ferris wheel scene, the silliest Bad Movie moment of the year, while You hear that? Its called silence! wins for doofiest snippet of dialogue), and the direction - oh sweet gravy, the direction. Pitofs idea of directing is to make the cast look fabulous!, and then to just use a whole lot of overblown editing to hide the fact that every action sequence is so poorly staged that they lack a single thrill.

This is incompetent storytelling combined with an ignorant attempt to create a summer comic book blockbuster. It would be an insult to comic books everywhere - if it werent so completely hilarious. So hats off to Catwoman, this years Queen of Dumb.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=10221&reviewer=392
originally posted: 01/17/05 17:13:53
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User Comments

9/08/18 life-tupper SityStyle.ru - самые свежие новости красоты,диет,рецепт 2 stars
12/28/17 Dane Youssef If this thing was more like BATMAN RETURNS and less like SUPERGIRL... Made for MST3K. SHUN. 1 stars
10/08/17 ksandr289@yandex.ru Бесплатная доска объявлений Webdoska — это сайт, где 2 stars
5/08/17 sergtovar Интернет-магазин SergTovar по продажам автонаполняющ 2 stars
12/21/16 Ifvremya Cамые свежие новости о главных событиях власти,по 2 stars
5/16/16 domnazavist Самые лучшие курсы обмена денег 2 stars
3/18/16 Ifvremya Cамые свежие новости о главных событиях власти,по 2 stars
3/17/16 domnazavist Самые лучшие курсы обмена денег 2 stars
1/22/16 plvuyjrkg USA 4 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth these claws are pretty dull 1 stars
8/22/15 Lbvfittf WfDEVy Medical marca vs security mg and card generic net contra cialis help contro master., 5 stars
7/23/15 kjvewghldea USA 4 stars
7/18/15 cialis toulouse USA 2 stars
11/15/14 Morris What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 2 stars
11/09/14 Connie Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 5 stars
10/24/14 Juan Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" ">admini 4 stars
9/14/14 wes Attributing negative reviews of this film to racism might be the worst thing I've ever seen 1 stars
3/22/14 Robert I liked it. Not a great movie, but worth watching. 4 stars
1/17/14 Roger Tompkins Not a film wanna-be aficionado, just a guy who loves a film that keeps my attention. 5 stars
11/21/13 John Men rate it poorly because the "good guy" doesn't get the cat in the end. 4 stars
6/01/13 Magenta Fantasies It's not a faithful adaptation, but it's a very enjoyable movie in its own right. 4 stars
5/27/13 RIc F**K EVERYONE, I LOVE THE MOVIE!! 5 stars
9/21/12 Quigley Truly one of the worst films ever made. It's a great education on how NOT to make a movie. 1 stars
11/25/11 Kitty Boo Loved it! 5 stars
7/28/11 ROBERTO D OCHOA i LOVED IT. 4 stars
2/19/11 Ark Giant turd, the finale fight scene with her and Stone wasn't too bad! And wtf with the cat? 2 stars
2/03/11 man horrible 1 stars
3/16/10 P.N. Guin It's great! 5 stars
1/09/10 Charlotte O I really liked this movie. What's up with all the bad reviews?? 4 stars
11/24/09 chake comment2 <a href="katalogue.ru"> </a> 3 stars
8/20/09 cousen01 www xxbb com 5 stars
8/18/09 daria sgJ97l Gra7noI59Unral92Bb7wf 3 stars
7/20/09 boris comment3, 3 stars
6/04/09 art KITTY LITTER!,that's what this film is!,PURE KITTY LITTER! 1 stars
5/10/09 chris leasmith IS THIS REVIEW A JOKE!!! ITS BAD, REALLY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/04/09 Alfonso Turnage I must admit I liked Elektra better than I eventually liked Catwoman, but I loved this . . 4 stars
8/20/08 Shaun Wallner This one was kinda boring. 1 stars
8/14/08 AnonAnonAnon Wow... good job turning this into a racial issue with the last sentence. 1 stars
7/27/08 JoJo i loved and i ve watched it 90 times!!!!!! 5 stars
6/20/08 David V I should've watched my neighbor's vacation videos instead. 1 stars
6/08/07 Danielle Ophelia "Halle Berry is not much more than eye candy with delusions of grandeur." Thank you, Scott 1 stars
4/22/07 David Risser The villainess looked so fake. 2 stars
3/19/07 dude terrible 1 stars
2/18/07 Dark Enchantress I hated this girl as catwoman! If i could give it a "zero" star, i would! Horrible plot! 1 stars
12/21/06 David Pollastrini HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE 2 stars
10/01/06 William Goss Doesn't the Geneva Convention prevent people from enduring things like this? 1 stars
4/06/06 Troy M. Grzych A comic book film that does not stay true to it's roots...will not have fans. 2 stars
4/01/06 Thomas Semesky The movies is silly, a total waste of talent. 1 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Like Nostradamus, I fortold doom. And DAMN was I right!!! Halley Berry won an oscar? 1 stars
11/25/05 cr halle berry play sexy and cool catwoman but the story was boring and lame and cgi overdone 3 stars
11/20/05 Steve Michaud And who said this was a comic book movie? 1 stars
11/07/05 LP Quagmire The most underrated comic book movie ever. Halle, you go, girl! 5 stars
10/31/05 millersxing written by circus cats trained by Siegfried & Roy (explains the whip/leather fixation, no?) 1 stars
10/13/05 Georgie Best Being stapled to the floor whilst being eaten by your cat is more fun. 1 stars
9/20/05 Jonathon Holmes what a laughable piece of shit 1 stars
7/31/05 R ....................pffff, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! 1 stars
7/22/05 Duffyboy666 A step-by-step guide how to NEVER produce a comic flick. Shite. 1 stars
7/18/05 Brandy Harrington NOT 1 PERSON HAS RATED IT AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
6/19/05 Manu Ginobli just look at some catwoman porn instead. (it exsists, check it out) 1 stars
6/13/05 i am god i would rather take a shit 1 stars
5/19/05 susan varney even halle said it sucked 1 stars
3/29/05 Vince Only good thing in this pile of shite is Hale in leather. 1 stars
3/25/05 Denise ok 3 stars
3/21/05 craig varney if not for halle berry totally unbearable 1 stars
2/24/05 ELI So god awfully stupid it's funny. If I saw it in theaters, I would've laughed more 1 stars
2/16/05 Cody a average movie with cool character, halle is pretty, but not best catwoman 3 stars
2/06/05 Kenneth Helmick Hey, Steel was awesome! 1 stars
2/05/05 Amy Bradshaw Not as bad as people make it sound, it was entertaining enough, but just that. 3 stars
2/01/05 Lynde Foy total embarrassment to filmmaking--Berry should be ashamed of herself 1 stars
1/31/05 Danita Berg Wow....I've had more fun washing my cat. 1 stars
1/31/05 Robert Pfeifer the worst movie I've seen since... Batman And Robin!! Why did they even bother? 1 stars
1/29/05 bongeezer Halle Berry with a whip... And I was still bored! That's a bad movie. 2 stars
1/29/05 Caroline I saw this movie 2x (inafluke), and I was so bored the 2nd time, I threw twizzlers. :) 2 stars
1/29/05 Fred Pellerito Should have save their money and made it a cartoon instead 1 stars
1/29/05 dana hammell I enjoyed this movie 4 stars
1/29/05 terri shaw Oh wekk what do I know I liked it and could watch it with my kids ! No nightmares here. 4 stars
1/24/05 tatum If only the director had managed to stage a coherent shot 1 stars
1/19/05 ALDO crap story..and way 2 much pop music 2 stars
1/19/05 American Slasher Goddess Painfully awful 1 stars
12/25/04 Louie What were they thinking when they made this mess? 1 stars
12/12/04 Vince The beginning was not that bad... then it went downhill, fast 2 stars
10/29/04 Scott Roen I enjoyed this, but mostly because I didn't build my expectations up 3 stars
10/14/04 Regina George didn\'t really survive the school bus accident Unlike the Michelle Pfeiffer version, at least it tells a coherent story. 3 stars
9/13/04 the bride excuse me while I go and slit my wrists for being STUPID enough to see this. This is fucked 1 stars
9/05/04 johnnyxxx oh my, I thot it was a TV commercial 1 stars
8/27/04 Mike Stanbridge The DVD will probably come in the Batman Begins action figure releases just to get rid of t 1 stars
8/24/04 K Man plop 1 stars
8/15/04 McGraw Cat Scratch Fever that feels like AIDS. 1 stars
8/12/04 lawhog44 Ultimate blackmail: "My way, or the Garfield/Catwoman double feature." Kill. Me. Now. 1 stars
8/11/04 Ganglia damn... just... damn. download it and laugh your ass off 1 stars
8/10/04 f up Halley Berry is overrated, and is full of herself, has a big camel-toe in this movie.sucks 1 stars
8/10/04 Who Cares? There's a special hell for freaks who liked this movie!! 1 stars
8/10/04 QT The Bruce Lee suit as in Kill Bill...why? 1 stars
8/09/04 McGraw HAH! AHAHAH!!! HAAAAAAAHAHA...seriously, folks. It sucks. 1 stars
8/03/04 Uncle Salty I'd rather pound my balls flat with a splinterred wooden mallet than see it again. 1 stars
8/02/04 Matt Thiel Lame 2 stars
8/01/04 Ann Total Crap. I have never left a movie before it is over, but this one did it to me. 1 stars
7/30/04 arctic What was the point besides getting to war the tight outfit? 2 stars
7/29/04 Nikolai A non pretentious popcorn flick ok soundtrack effects tasty eyecandy bring a chick 4 stars
7/28/04 NiraliKumar Close to the comic book, better read it instead of watching it. Nice effects tho. 2 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans weak 2 stars
7/27/04 WES NILES I LOVED IT! ...I laughed a little, and I cried a little. what more can one ask? 1 stars
7/27/04 Brad What a waste of my time 1 stars
7/26/04 J.D. Semlow Yeah, what they said! 1 stars
7/26/04 paks Not fit to be used as kitty litter 1 stars
7/26/04 robert berkoff another gigli 1 stars
7/26/04 this bitch won an oscar? Ive heard they already started to film part 2! 1 stars
7/25/04 Spay this cat! This morning my cat coughed up a disgusting furball more entertaining than this SHIT movie. 1 stars
7/25/04 Katie this movie is terrible 1 stars
7/25/04 Realitik Ashley Judd was smart to turn down this absolutely terrible role... not even worth renting! 1 stars
7/24/04 Drew-P Halle is hot, but not hot enough to sit through that. 2 stars
7/24/04 AK47 "Oops, my bad". Fuck you Halle and everybody involved in this POS. 1 stars
7/24/04 Conor Great awful 1 stars
7/24/04 Atanu Halle berry was never an actress. That she got an oscar is a travesty. 1 stars
7/23/04 tank1229 save your money 1 stars
7/23/04 Christina neuter this pussy 1 stars
7/23/04 Brian is DC doomed to an eternity of crappy hero movies? 1 stars
7/23/04 Mix Master Mason Turd City! Millions of dollars down the tube, should have been direct to DVD. 1 stars
7/23/04 Anthonyk Check this one for Fleas - DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY! 1 stars
7/22/04 Scytherius Warner Bros burns $100 million on the corner. Horrid. 1 stars
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  23-Jul-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 18-Jan-2005



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