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Awesome: 9.43%
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Just Average: 5.66%
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2 reviews, 41 user ratings

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Dracula 3000
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by David Cornelius

"It's Vampire Coolio In Space. Need I say more?"
1 stars

I wish I were kidding when I tell you that “Dracula 3000” stars Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Tiny Lister, Udo Kier, and Coolio. Coolio! This movie’s one Ice-T or Dean Cain short of being a direct-to-video all-star parade.

The film (no relation to “Dracula 2000,” by the way) is one of those perfect examples of video shelf B movie badness: it’s a quickie knock-off of countless other films, populated by the has-beens and the never-wases, produced and directed with hacklike blandness. It’s a great pick for people who like their movies hilariously stupid and embarrassingly derivative.

We find our heroes piloting some spacecraft way out in “the Carpathian System,” where they find a ship that’s been adrift for fifty years. Seems something bad happen to the crew after a visit to “Transylvania Station.”

I swear this is a real movie.

Anyway, hoping to make some scratch by salvaging what’s left, the spunky crew of six hop aboard to investigate - only to find their ship’s been mysteriously jettisoned, leaving them stranded. With nothing better to do, they keep looking, until Coolio (Cooli-freaking-o!!) turns up dead, and with bite marks on his neck.

I should mention right now, before I get to all the Vampire Coolio stuff, that Van Dien plays Captain Abraham Van Helsing, meaning that if you thought you’ve already seen the worst movie this year to have a Van Helsing in it, you are sadly mistaken.

But back to the plot. As you can guess, Coolio quickly turns into Vampire Coolio, who attacks the crew and then verbally assaults Eleniak with this were-they-trying-to-be-funny? line: “Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?”

It’s moments like these that remind you that no matter how truly gawdawful a movie gets, the inescapable fact is that hundreds of people worked on it, none of whom thought to mention that hey, maybe that “bazonkas” line might be really, really bad. But then, the whole thing plays like this - at one point, Tiny Lister turns to Eleniak and says, “if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, always put out the Do Not Disturb sign,” in what I think was supposed to be a Swarzenegger-esque quip, only it makes zero sense. (And let’s not even get into the film’s last two minutes, in which logic and coherency get chucked out the airlock. It’s as if they ran out of film two days early and had to go with what they had.)

I can hear a few of you wondering, hey, wasn’t this supposed to have Dracula in it? Yes, but you’ll be sorry you asked. Drac appears here in the form of British actor Langley Kirkwood, a man whose name alone should imply why he should never, ever play Dracula. Worse, while everyone else is running around in pseudo-futuristic garb, the Count’s still wearing his cape with oversized collar. His is the least effective vampire since Count Chocula.

As if none of this were enough, we also get big laughs in the form of the shoddy production values. Here we are, floating around deep space in the year 3000, as evident from all the computers and pipes along the walls and the futuristic lingo and... um... hey, is that a VCR and a 19” RCA TV in the background?

Yeah, it’s that kind of movie. Sweet gravy, this one’s awful, incompetent, and far funnier than you could have ever hoped. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=11308&reviewer=392
originally posted: 12/04/04 17:44:40
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User Comments

4/19/14 Thor After seeing this godawful tripe I'm certainly dumber and I lost some years off my life. 1 stars
2/27/12 megan kelsey white u forgot to mention how the ship just explodes at the end for no reason. that was awesome. 5 stars
3/30/09 Holli I have one thing to say about this movie: *groan* 1 stars
11/17/08 Shaun Wallner Fell asleep to this one. 1 stars
5/26/08 Jason The movie could only be worse if they made it longer, this was the crappiest film ever made 1 stars
7/28/07 Billio What's with Dracula in space? With "Space Crack"?!? What a hideous movie! 1 stars
6/15/07 Charles Tatum Will leave you speechless...truly one of the worst ever 1 stars
4/19/07 Thrash Sucked so bad, seriously... 1 stars
1/09/07 johnnyfog .............................why did I watch that? 1 stars
11/21/06 Mon I feel so sexually satisfied after viewing this film, its amazing! 5 stars
11/10/06 Henry parts are shit others good 3 stars
10/20/06 Evan This movie was awful... awful hilarious that is 5 stars
10/08/06 what the fuck This is the worst 'film' i have ever, ever seen. But quite good if your on drugs, obviously 1 stars
10/04/06 John Jed's comment made me LOL!! Now I gotta watch it 1 stars
9/26/06 Jim What a hilarious movie. It was so bad, it was amazing 5 stars
6/05/06 BA If Dracula bit like this movie bites, it might just suck. 1 stars
5/02/06 Josh Standlee Coolio sucks, and the writers were stoned, but putting Dracula in space is just plain cool! 3 stars
4/18/06 Dave To quote Kurtz from Heart Of Darkness, "The Horror! The Horror!" 1 stars
11/24/05 Giru So bad you cannot even watch it for laughs. WORST MOVIE EVER 1 stars
10/11/05 payche stupid movie, for idiots, they should play it in mental institutions 1 stars
9/18/05 Blutarsky Hilariously, inept, wonderously bad. 1 stars
8/14/05 Aaron Johnson Total, undisputed crap. Worst ending (what ending?) ever! 1 stars
8/09/05 Greg No plot, no acting, no nudity, and apparently not enough film to even finish the movie. 1 stars
8/07/05 Alan How did they make this crap? 1 stars
8/04/05 Lizzy P I would be embarased to be associated with this movie. You must see the end to believe it. 1 stars
7/24/05 Neb Bad acting, plot doesn't make sense, horror not there. The ending just finishes it!! 1 stars
6/18/05 Gred D One of the worst movies I have had the displeasure to watch. 1 stars
6/11/05 Jebiveter top 10 on the worst movie ever chart 1 stars
3/01/05 Morbid Florist Hilarious 5 stars
2/28/05 Jed Amirault this movie makes me want to rip my eyes out and feed them to my cat 1 stars
2/27/05 Gray didn't it have boobs? 3 stars
2/24/05 rewgjqlbr very shitty indeed 1 stars
2/14/05 Lee R. Miller I didn't like it as much as Scott & David did. 1 stars
2/09/05 Ray WOW, it is terrible 1 stars
2/05/05 Matt Thiel Where's the ending? Did they run out of money and throw an ending at the last minute???? 1 stars
1/27/05 Ojisan Unexciting, unfunny, unrealistically bad. Steer clear! 1 stars
1/17/05 Will This movie is by far the the worst movie I've ever seen! 1 stars
1/16/05 Dark Lord It's bad. Very bad. There was one really funny "titty-fuck" line, but that's it. 1 stars
1/07/05 Chris Holy cow this is bad. And to top it off they don't even get Erika to take her kit off. 1 stars
12/29/04 Naka Crap classic! 1 stars
12/07/04 Kristina Williams bad 1 stars
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  07-Dec-2004 (R)
  DVD: 07-Dec-2004



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