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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.7%
Worth A Look: 7.41%
Just Average: 14.07%
Pretty Crappy: 35.56%

11 reviews, 69 user ratings

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by Peter Sobczynski

"Where is Uwe Boll when you need him?"
1 stars

“Doom” may be the first movie in memory–certainly the first based on a videogame–that might have been improved if Uwe Boll has been at the helm. Like the good doctor’s previous films–“House of the Dead” and “Alone in the Dark”–it is simply terrible but unlike those other films, which at least had the wit to be bad in ways that few could have possibly conceived, “Doom” is more run-of-the-mill boring and derivative than anything else. Essentially, it is nothing more than a rehash of the “Resident Evil” movies–the only difference is that the lead here is played by someone with a significantly larger chest than Milla Jovovich.

The bad news is that the pecs in question belong to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, here playing a tough-as-nails futuristic Marine sergeant creatively named Sarge. Sarge commands a platoon of similar cliches–the ranks also include a Brad Dourif-esque wacko, a wet-behind-the-ears newbie known as The Kid, a deeply religious wacko and a quiet guy with a traumatic past that will inevitably rear its ugly head–and as the film opens, their leave has just been cancelled by an emergency. Something hideous has found its way inside a giant research facility on Mars and the platoon is sent in to rescue the survivors, seal the area and retrieve the scientific data left behind. For the guy with the traumatic past, Reaper (Karl Urban), this is bad news because his parents were apparently killed on the planet years earlier (I say “apparently” because the traumatic aural flashback we are treated to is so confusing that it is difficult to say exactly what happened) and his estranged twin sister, Samantha (Rosamund Pike) is still working there.

Of course, this is all merely prelude because we know that once they land on Mars, they are going to come under constant assault from a variety of bizarre monsters that can only be dispatched in the goriest manner possible. Well, we know that but it seems as if the filmmakers didn’t get that memo because it takes forever for the action to finally kick in. There is a possibility, I suppose, that they are trying to replicate the feeling of the similarly plotted “Aliens” by winding up the tension for the first 45 minutes or so before turning into an all-out action extravaganza. The difference is that James Cameron spent that 45 minutes creating a group of characters that you actually grew interested in so that when things started blowing up, viewers had a vested interest in their survival. Here, writers Dave Callahan and Wesley Strick (and how hilarious is it that the film version of “Doom” required at least two writers?)seem content to let things plod along at an unforgivably slow pace as a bunch of relentlessly uninteresting characters poke around in shadowy corners delivering lines such as “Let’s se if we can find the body that goes with that arm.” If this actually were a video game, most people would click out and begin fiddling with their solitaire game.

Once the action finally commences, it is nothing that you haven’t seen before a thousand times before in a thousand better ways. Ugly, barely-glimpsed things jump out of the shadows with monotonous regularity and either tear someone to shreds or are torn themselves. The only time the film attempts to break out this pattern is towards the end when there is a stretch of five or so minutes in which we are treated to a first-person point-of-view shot of a character as he does gory battle with an onslaught of creatures in an apparent tribute to the visual approach of the original game, one of the first and best of the first-person shooter genre. The problem is that after the brief jolt inspired by the gimmick wears off–and it is the closest that the film gets to pure Boll weirdness–it just becomes as pointless and repetitive as the rest of the film. Watching this sequence contains all the raw, visceral excitement of looking over someone else’s shoulder while they are playing the game–fun if you are playing the game, less so if you are looking over the shoulder.

Having already demonstrated that he has the kind of charisma to make it as a movie star in films such as “The Rundown,” it is hard to understand why Johnson thought that appearing in “Doom” would be a good career move. Since neither the film nor the character he plays are remotely suited for showing off his two greatest assets as a performer–his considerable physique and willingness to poke fun at himself and his he-man image–he just stands around looking uncomfortable in the type of role that Dolph Lundgren might have been assigned if this film had been made fifteen years ago. The other bewildering presence in the film is that of Rosamund Pike and that comes more from the fact that I just saw her a couple of weeks ago in “Pride and Prejudice” and know that she actually can act. Although I can’t say that I was disappointed to see a pretty face amidst all the squalor, I just can’t quite understand why she is appearing in a piece of junk like this playing a character whose only functions seem to be screaming and suggesting to us in the audience that the lab thermostat must be set pretty low.

As a game, “Doom” was a success because it took a simple and elemental premise (you are surrounded by demons and have to kill them before they kill you) and handled it with relentless energy and enthusiasm. The film, on the other hand, seems to have been based on the premise that anything bearing that title and looking vaguely like the game would probably equal at least one big weekend at the box-office. The result is a film that is not only less fun and exciting than playing the game for 105 minutes, it isn’t even as exciting as reading the instruction booklet.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=13269&reviewer=389
originally posted: 10/21/05 00:14:10
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User Comments

7/13/09 User Goat was funny, I recognised him as the criminal who killed Bruce's parents in batman Begin 4 stars
2/03/09 WiseGuy Josh Standlee "Better than sex " - Obviously you had terrible sex 1 stars
6/28/08 George Wow!!! This film completely redefines the word "awful". The FPS section was good, but short 1 stars
6/02/08 badgersbum Good suspense when it finally got going but not a good film. FPS too short! 2 stars
12/14/07 Damian Eades No-one who played Doom 12 years ago will like it 1 stars
9/14/07 matt i enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/27/07 Wee Todd Didd Pretty poor movie, great game though. 2 stars
7/07/07 Tom Servo Plot was more of a Resident Evil flavor than Doom-verdict= D- 2 stars
7/07/07 al smith pretty good but not enough gore 4 stars
5/04/07 Reesefire Black A shameless ripoff of "Aliens",yes, but still a bloody good time. FPS sequence was cool. 4 stars
3/04/07 --- Actually left the theatre and got a refund. For video game dorks only. 1 stars
12/04/06 Stanley Thai It's a really bad film with some action and bad lightings that you can't see anything. 2 stars
10/30/06 ES about what you'd expect 1 stars
8/21/06 JM Synth Weinberg on the money. FPS sequence was fun but I could have just played the game for that 2 stars
7/30/06 Notch Johnson I love horror movies...but the filming was SOOOO bad...couldn't see a thing 1 stars
6/04/06 Josh Standlee Better than sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
4/09/06 Ron Newbold Play the game - 2 stars
4/06/06 Aldo REALLY REALLY BAD... 1 stars
3/31/06 Michele not really good but fun for the game lovers 3 stars
3/29/06 M. Dido Sure it's dumb - but it's great fun! 3 stars
3/28/06 Indrid Cold Perhaps Silent Hill will be the 1st good video game movie, but I'm not holding my breath. 2 stars
3/27/06 Danny Johanson Yeah, the Movie was crap, but it was amusing as all hell. 4 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Was Street Fighter the worst VG movie? Not anymore. KILL THE ROCK!!!! 1 stars
3/26/06 y2mckay Like A vs P, first hour sucks ass, last 20 minutes kick ass. A popcorn movie, nothing more. 3 stars
2/19/06 ducka now can they make a REAL doom movie? 3 stars
2/19/06 chris f not a bad movie worth watching 4 stars
2/12/06 Anus wonderful work of CRAP!!! 1 stars
2/11/06 movie_buff A failed attempt to the first (great) Predator movie. I fell asleep! 2 stars
2/10/06 the laughing man good, but not entirely great 3 stars
2/10/06 Rocky I can't believe they managed to fvck up a slam-dunk like DOOM! Worse than even The Cave 1 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman Im a hardcore doom fan, This one sucked it let me down, I had to cry 1 stars
12/21/05 MUCH sound & fury signifying Total Crap / Sucks Wish Samantha had farted to take away Eric's 2nd star; no stars for me either way. 1 stars
12/18/05 Doomguy Definitely a film for Doom fans; not necessarily for the whole media masses. 5 stars
12/18/05 Goatse People who find this film "intriguing" probably say the same about worms in their stools 1 stars
12/16/05 YJS standard crap at beginning, but gets intriguing as the film goes on 4 stars
12/15/05 Cunt World's Biggest Turd 1 stars
11/26/05 chris shite film man who made it needs to die 1 stars
11/19/05 Duck MST 3000 quality! Tons o fun 5 stars
11/11/05 Dan Smith Great Special Effects, and ot a let down as a video game fan. 4 stars
11/10/05 gescom waste of time and money [even in hollymood] 1 stars
11/09/05 CHRIS EXCELLENT FOR what it is - popcorn action movie 5 stars
11/08/05 Alice This is the worst movie of the year! And I have seen a lot! 1 stars
11/03/05 Anus LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS WE'RE IN LOCKDOWN....Fuck you, just for that you're getting an 'F' 1 stars
10/30/05 Jonathon Holmes Sinks to the idiot shallows of Stealth and Fantastic Four, horrible 1 stars
10/30/05 Wisamane Im a die hard gamer And i think this movie was a pieace of crap, the game was better 1 stars
10/29/05 CONSTANTINE DOOMED... More like "Resident Evil" in outer-space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 stars
10/28/05 Lennart Mol If you know DOOM, then you KNOW this is NOT DOOM. 1 stars
10/26/05 Michael Kondo you'll like it if you like doom, hate it if you dont 2 stars
10/26/05 deadwiz something to do for 2 hours. 3 stars
10/25/05 Nick_Voro Met the expectations of being terrible. But it wasn't not to the level of Fantastic Four. 2 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) garbage 1 stars
10/24/05 bentable wtf 1 stars
10/24/05 othree WASTED EVERYTHING, rent it to hear the Rock saying motherfucker. Gamers will be highly diss 1 stars
10/24/05 KingNeutron I thought it was OK, and I haven't even played Doom. 3 stars
10/23/05 Monster W. Kung Lowtax, I hope you mean Doom3, not I and II. If you think those sucked, you should be shot. 2 stars
10/23/05 Wisamane THE MOVIE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL!!! Stupid catch phrases, Cheesey Music. 1 stars
10/22/05 baseball-nut Should've stayed in the wrestling ring, The Rock sucks as an actor! 1 stars
10/22/05 Wisamane that Fps crap was annoying, IF I WANNA SEE SOMTHING IN FPS ILL PLAY THE GAME!!! 1 stars
10/22/05 Anthony G GARBAGE 1 stars
10/22/05 Jhon grifiths From what i have read some people thought it was crap, well PLAY THE DAMB GAME MORON 5 stars
10/22/05 The Talking Elbow I sincerely enjoyed this film. I think sometimes you critics are too snooty. It wasn't bad. 4 stars
10/21/05 Kristina Williams thank GOD I didnt pay to watch this. 1 stars
10/21/05 whatevr The title of the movie explains the future of all video-game based movies 1 stars
10/19/05 Wisamane LMAO what can i say I knew this movie was going to suck ass...pussy ass hollywood 1 stars
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  21-Oct-2005 (R)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006



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