Reviewed By Doug Bentin
Posted 01/18/06 16:41:52

"Avoid this as you would the mistletoe at a leper colony."
1 stars (Sucks)

German producer/director Uwe Boll has the Sadim Touch. That’s “Midas” spelled backwards because everything he touches that’s made of gold turns to shit. Yes, Virginia, he’s that bad.

The infamous unterdirector Uwe Boll seems to have patterned his career after a personage from American films. Orson Welles? Nope. Alfred Hitchcock? Uh uh.

It’s Max Bialystock in “The Producers.” The German tax laws are such that investors can write off 100% of their losses if they put their money into a movie that bombs. That’s how Boll, after cinematic insults like “Alone in the Dark” and “House of the Dead” can keep making films. Get this. He was reported to have said at the premiere of “Bloodrayne” in Hollywood that he expected 80% of the audience to have left the theater by film’s end. Just 80%. What an optimist.

Kristinna Loken (the T-X killer robot in “Terminator 3”) stars as Rayne, half vampire and half human, in 18th. century Romania. She’s on a quest to kill Kagan (Ben Kingsley, or maybe his evil twin), the king of the vampires because he raped and murdered her mother while the young Rayne watched.

She links up with the Brimstone Society, a bunch of people who scour the land seeking vampires to kill. Hey, it’s a job. They are led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen, looking as if he knows how much hell he’s going to catch from buddy Quentin Tarantino for agreeing to appear in this crap-a-palooza), his trusty right hand Domastir (Boll favorite Will Sanderson) and Kararin (Michelle Rodriguez). I think she may have taken too many accidental shots to the head in Girl Fight. Okay, you explain why she’s doing shit like this.

This one should really be called “Bloodbagges” because blood bags pop and spew their contents every few minutes. There hasn’t been this much blood on the walls since the Angel brought a plague warning to the Jews in Egypt.

One of them will be a traitor to the cause. The Good Guys win. The End. Roll credits.

The picture also contains performances, if you can call them that, by Billy Zane, Udo Kier, Geraldine Chaplin, and Meat Loaf. Boll is reputed to be a nice guy, friendly and funny. Maybe these actors just like him and are willing to help him out. That’s why Goering, Goebbels, and Himmler stuck with Hitler. It’s a German thing.

Or maybe they need tax breaks and protect their investments in his movies by appearing therein and delivering excruciatingly bad performances.

To keep from getting thoroughly Bolled over while watching one of these things, you have to make your own amusement. I like to look for those small moments, the details that perfect the director’s incompetence.

In this one, I love the moment when Billy Zane, annoyed at one of his servants, called the man a “peon.” And the time when Udo Kier’s priest tells Rayne to “follow me” and after a cut we see the two of them stepping through a doorway, her in the lead.

And the time Rayne knocks on a huge wooden door and her knuckles produce what sounds like the toll of doom. The door opens and it appears to be 6 to 9 inches thick. Some knuckles. Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to a drum made with elephant hide wouldn’t make a sound like that.

My favorite bit, though, comes with that highly emotional scene in which Rayne tells us about Kagan raping and killing her mother. Boll gives us one of the movie’s many flashbacks. We see Kagan and Mom talking, then arguing, and then he kills her. No rape. I may be wrong, but isn’t someone supposed to read the script before shooting begins? Besides, oh boo hoo. It’s 18th. century Romania, for cryin’ out loud. What else would you expect? He should take her to an ice cream social?

Loken has one sex scene—standing up and very acrobatic against jail cell bars—and she looks terrific topless.

But not that terrific. A movie this bad is released on Jan. 6? Where can 2006 possibly go from here?

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