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Awesome: 4.88%
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Pretty Crappy: 2.44%

5 reviews, 11 user ratings

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Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)
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by Doug Bentin

"I have crossed the dark water for a vision of Hell."
1 stars

You wanna take a peek, too? Forget Dante. That piker has no idea what Hell is really like. I know. I’ve seen “Yours, Mine and Ours.”

Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo sink to the bottom of the barrel as Frank Beardsley and Helen North. They were high school sweethearts but for an undisclosed reason broke up after graduation. He became a career Coast Guardsman and she became a designer of something that can be sold either to or through Saks Fifth Ave. I could try to look it up but I don’t care and neither do you.

Anyway, he gets married and has eight kids, and his wife dies. I wonder why. Helen marries and has four kids, then becomes a foster parent and adopts six more. Her husband dies. I think he and Mrs. Beardsley both jumped off the same bridge.

So, when good ol’ anal retentive Frank moves his herd to town he meets the Auntie Mame-ish Helen and the old sparks fly again. They court and marry without telling the kids, some of whom are old enough to be hurt by this secrecy, and all 20 of them move into a lighthouse together. The Norths also have a pet pig that lives in the house with them. None of them ever interact with this pet. Porky is just used for cheap laughs—pig covered in paint, pig kissing a sleepy Frank, etc.

The sets of kids don’t like each other, except that they really do and just don’t know it. This is an example of that abomination known as the “family film,” which is Hollywoodspeak for a picture designed to appeal to the lowest common audience denominator, deprived totally of wit, originality, sense, or understanding of human nature.

The kids decide to drive their parents insane, hoping that they will decide to divorce. What an adorable message for America’s youngins.

Dennis Quaid, who must be paying off some industrial strength karma, gets knocked into the ocean, spattered in paint, slimed, covered in feathers, and just generally initiated into the Marquis de Sade Fan Club. He does avoid slipping in the seasick puke from the North family. You got that right. Children rolling around in vomit is one of director Raja Gosnell’s heartiest knee-slappers.

Gosnell’s primary contribution to the jaw-dropping awfulness of this enterprise is his unfailing way of ruining every joke. His pacing is off. The action of the gag sequences is so choppy, the movie looks like it was edited by Lizzie Borden.
But you wanna hear the funniest thing about this bleeding hemorrhoid of a movie? It took four studios (Paramount, MGM, Columbia, and Nickelodeon Pictures) to accumulate the money it took to make it. MGM is already bankrupt and Paramount recently hired a new CEO. Good.

When I review a lousy movie I usually just advise you not to see it. This time, I’m begging you. Please don’t support this kind of untalented, cynical grab at your money. There’re a lot more wholesome places you can take your family than to see this crap-a-palooza. How about a weekend in Vegas?

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=13519&reviewer=405
originally posted: 12/16/05 17:23:56
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User Comments

1/11/09 Liz This was the best movie in the whole world! YEAH! GO! 5 stars
11/08/08 who bloody shit, jokes are lame as, even for a family film, bad messeges for kids too, avoid 1 stars
3/05/07 David Pollastrini The original was better 2 stars
4/27/06 Katie We went as a family and thoroughly enjoyed it...Don't understand your problems with it!! 4 stars
4/11/06 balloon man wow wow wow 5 stars
4/10/06 Anthony Bad film. Not worth your time. 1 stars
3/07/06 Jenna Furr Best to say for it is Rene Russo may have quit thinking she shits chocolate ice cream. 3 stars
12/21/05 tina mateer what can I say? TRASH CAN!!! 1 stars
11/27/05 Shelley Smith I come from family of 14. This film SUCKS!!! 1 stars
11/26/05 neefer A GOOD FAMILY FILM 4 stars
11/23/05 hibbyX For people who thought CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN was just too high brow. 1 stars
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  23-Nov-2005 (PG)
  DVD: 28-Feb-2006



[trailer] Trailer

Directed by
  Raja Gosnell

Written by
  Ron Burch
  David Kidd

  Dennis Quaid
  Rene Russo
  Sean Faris
  Katija Pevec
  Dean Collins
  Tyler Patrick Jones

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