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Overall Rating

Awesome: 7.06%
Worth A Look: 3.53%
Just Average: 7.06%
Pretty Crappy: 17.65%

6 reviews, 49 user ratings

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Date Movie
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by Doug Bentin

"Say “Thank you, Doug.”"
1 stars

Yes, I’m serious. Say it. You owe me at least that much. Why? Well, we in the movie review biz like to say that our slogan should be “We Watch the Crap So You Won’t Have To,” and Best Beloved, I endured a movie for you last weekend that was the cinematic equivalent of allowing a turpentined tomcat to mistake my testicles for a catnip mouse.

“Date Movie” is bad. It’s very bad. It’s Little Big Horn if you’re in the cavalry bad. It’s Salome and Herod if you’re John the Baptist bad. It’s Lake Hurst, New Jersey if you’re the Hindenburg bad. It’s so bad, the word “bad” doesn’t begin to tell you how bad it is.

Written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, for whom there is a special circle in Hell for perpetrating this abomination, “Date Movie” purports to be a parody of romantic comedies. You have to understand a genre before you can parody it. These guys don’t have a clue what draws us to romantic comedies. All they do is string out a series of famous moments from movies that may or may not actually be romantic comedies—“King Kong” and “Revenge of the Sith,” for cryin’ out loud—and then imagine what a satire of them would look like if it were concocted by ten-year olds who had never seen the original pictures.

Alyson Hannigan, late—very late—of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer,” whose career would receive a greater boost if she were making porn in a leper colony, stars as Julia Jones, an overweight young woman who dreams of finding the Prince who will sweep her away from her father’s Greek diner where she works as a waitress. Her father is black, played by Eddie Griffin, surely the most unpleasant human being to appear in films since Klaus Kinski.

She goes for help to a date doctor named Hitch (Tony Cox), who is a dwarf. Are you laughing yet? So he “pimps her out,” meaning he takes her to a body shop where she miraculously loses weight and becomes attractive. She meets her prince, Grant Fonckyerdoder (Adam Campbell) and his former fiancée Andy (Sophie Monk), who wants him back and tries to seduce him my washing her car using a hamburger as a squeegee, and if you imagine that I’m making any of this up I am deeply insulted that you would think so.

Old comedy pros Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge appear as Mr. and Mrs. Fonckyerdoder, Coolidge actually doing a nice parody of Barbra Striesand in “Meet the Fockers.” Willard, the poor bastard, looks like he just woke up next to a particularly ugly sheep, and with a dozen paparazzi circling the bed.

The best performance was turned in by Carmen Electra as the blonde sacrifice in the final “King Kong” moment, with a huge black and hairy finger being rubbed up and down her bikini-clad body. That’s what you read—Carmen Electra was the best thing about this movie. Now you get what I’m saying.

Someone once wrote that he sat through a bad movie under the most adverse possible conditions—he was facing the screen. The same goes for me with “Date Movie.” But not only was I facing the screen, I was also clean and sober. And awake. And I wasn’t deaf and blind.

Say “Thank you, Doug.”

You’re welcome.

Have you ever heard the old expression, “I feel like I’ve been dragged through Hell backwards and then beaten with a cat”? I quote that saying in a review of this movie for a reason.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=14011&reviewer=405
originally posted: 03/01/06 17:42:18
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User Comments

2/16/10 JM Synth Painfully unfunny, but not as abysmally cheap/lazy as future Friedberg/Seltzer efforts 2 stars
2/15/09 Samantha Pruitt pretty stupid, but still some what funny! 3 stars
1/15/09 FrankNFurter As funny as watching puppies drown.Total waste of film!!! 1 stars
1/07/09 Shaun Wallner Hilarious Movie! 5 stars
8/29/08 David The movie's funny if your brain-dead. 1 stars
6/05/08 Randy War Hall This Movie made my ears sad. 1 stars
4/04/08 art IT"S FUNNY IF YOU KEEP AN OPEN MIND 4 stars
3/24/08 Isaac M. Baranoff One of the most awful films I've ever attempted to sit through. 1 stars
3/07/08 ftard These directors make tailor made amusement for trailer/white trash films. 1 stars
3/02/08 John Millheim pretty funny 4 stars
7/09/07 fools♫gold Wow, this and Final Destination 3 came out in the same month. Now wasn't that a funny line? 1 stars
5/22/07 Abs Dumbest movie ever. Nothing to enjoy at all here. 1 stars
5/14/07 David Pollastrini PRETTY DUMB 2 stars
4/02/07 brent gerald mejia sr. Eddie Griffin stars;ENOUGH said! 1 stars
2/21/07 Beau i love the openeing song and dance 'Hannigan' does, its worth watching it 4 her 3 stars
1/17/07 del Quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made. 1 stars
12/21/06 ES note the writers and avoid everything they do in the future 1 stars
11/07/06 wesley sniper Dude, Lakehurst is one word. We still love ya! The movie sucked ass. 1 stars
10/30/06 Jacko wacko Poorly classified but okay 3 stars
10/30/06 Chris I worked at Taco Bell so Taco was was just funny 5 stars
10/24/06 Drew G I almost made it 15 minutes into this movie 1 stars
10/23/06 Phil LOL @ Jon (below) 1 stars
10/02/06 Jon Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Horrible movie. Why can't I give it zero stars? 1 stars
8/25/06 Stanley Thai An underrated film that is taken so seriously. People, just relax and enjoy the film! 3 stars
8/17/06 Nix So funny I shit myself 5 stars
8/16/06 Harold I am completely without words...I really am. STAGGERINGLY bad...staggeringly... 1 stars
8/10/06 michael has a couple moments but not woth paying for 3 stars
8/05/06 Indrid Cold The upside is that aside from the ending credits, it's only a little over an hour long. 2 stars
8/01/06 dan quite funny,worth a look 3 stars
7/21/06 Joe Smaltz Sucks SucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucksSucks 1 stars
6/11/06 Jeff Anderson Unfunny junk & DOA. Hannigan & ONLY Hannigan is the lone great thing in this! 1 stars
6/10/06 Ryan_A I laughed. A lot. But I felt bad about it afterwards. Not as funny as it thinks it is. 2 stars
6/09/06 The Thomas Family My family thought this movie was awesome! It kept us laughing. 5 stars
4/18/06 Erika Clarkson Way too lame - no real nudity, scatlolgical humor restricted to cat, no farting girls. Darn 4 stars
4/13/06 Duffyboy666 How can these bastards live with themselves? 1 stars
4/07/06 Astrocreep Sooo damn funny. Great Napolean impression 5 stars
3/30/06 Rhiannon This film rocks!! 5 stars
3/12/06 date movie sucks crap movie 1 stars
3/11/06 Dillon None of the scenes have real endings. I laughed a little, but not enough. 2 stars
3/04/06 jeff s. openning dance was good, thats about it.sad how they let it b released 1 stars
3/04/06 chris f this film is a let down they take the piss out of michael jackson -tats just wrong 2 stars
3/03/06 Green Gremlin How dare they insult "Napoleon Dynamite" with this hideous crap !!! 1 stars
3/02/06 Mungface Someone told me this was "freaking hilarious"...I killed them. 1 stars
2/21/06 djacosta Utterly disgusting 1 stars
2/20/06 M The cat is the only thing that remotely made me laugh. 1 stars
2/18/06 Eevil Wolfie Opening dance sequence is good. Everything else is crap. 2 stars
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  17-Feb-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-May-2006



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