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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.11%
Worth A Look: 2.7%
Just Average43.24%
Pretty Crappy: 24.32%
Sucks: 21.62%

4 reviews, 13 user ratings

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Phat Girlz
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by Doug Bentin

"Phat Hedz"
1 stars

Some movies are bad movies, and some movies are really bad movies. “Phat Girlz” is double plus megabad. Ed Wood, blind and in a coma, could have made a more professional looking picture than “Phat Girlz.”

Frequently, snarky sarcasm somehow manages to insert itself into my reviews—how does that happen--when a new movie insults my intelligence. I know, I know, you want to know how insulting my intelligence is even possible. Look, don’t you start on me, too. I'm already catching hell from the movie's main demographic.

"The cynicism displayed in your so-called piece of writing material just puts it all together 'you just don't get it'." That's from one of my readers.

Lady, I just watched a movie that is so ineptly acted, written and directed, it makes Helen Keller’s home movies look like “Lawrence of Arabia.” It’s called “Phat Girlz” and if the title alone makes you suspect you don’t want to read any further, go ahead and quit. You won’t hurt my feelings. You’ll just be showing good sense.

Mo’Nique, who seems to be a radio host from D.C. who is trying her hand at Hollywood, stars as Jazmin Biltmore, a size-16 who works as counter help at a large El Lay department store, but only when her boss is on the floor. The rest of the time she spends exchanging lame one-liners with her best friend Stacey (Kendra C. Johnson). Did I say “lame”? These jokes are double amputees.

Jazmin designs and makes her own clothes, which we are told are fashionable but I have my doubts, and her boss refuses to allow her to approach the store’s head buyer to show off her drawings. Apparently she’s not smart enough to meet the buyer somewhere off screen.

Next thing you know, Jazmin wins a week’s vacation in Palm Springs. She takes with her Stacey and Mia, a shapely cousin (Joyful Drake). By the pool, while Jaz and Stacey are covered so as not to shock the natives with their largess, they meet a doctor from Nigeria named Tunde (Jimmy Jean-Louis) who falls for Jaz not in spite of her weight but because of it. It’s a cultural thing back home.

This flick left out the part about scoring power ball for a half-billion dollars. Must be saving that for the sequel.

From this point on the movie plays out like a routine romantic comedy, with the attendant misunderstandings, missed communications, and standard issue implausibilities. The problem is that Mo’Nique takes it all seriously, so even if the script, if there was one, had been funny, which it wasn’t, Mo’Nique would have brought it to a faster stop than Sonny Bono skiing through a pine forest.

This crap was written and directed by someone named Nnegest Likke, who makes Nora Ephron look like Billy Wilder.

Here’s what really pisses me off about this movie—you have to pay to see it. This is the kind of material and performance that has kept TV a wasteland for 50 years. Hell, the first year of the WB was better than this. I hate the fact that you have to pay the same amount to see this—or that Larry the Cable Guy abomination—as you have to pay to see a real movie. You know the kind I mean, with professional actors directors and stuff.

Okay, there is one amusing thing about this picture. The funniest thing is that Mo’Nique really did start up a fashion line for large women in 2000 and it went belly-up two years later. If I have to watch a movie that is merely someone’s wish fulfillment, make it Hugh Hefner’s.

(Hef just turned 80, by the way. Happy birthday, Mr. Lucky.)

Mo’Nique can’t act, writer/director Nnegest Likke can’t write/direct, and the movie is so cheap the film stock seems to change from shot to shot. Maybe this is some kind of post-modern comedy. You know, where no one in the audience laughs. Larry the Cable Guy and Mo’Nique both open within weeks of each other? Come on, people, what are you doing to piss Hollywood off? Cut it out, will ya? I have to sit through this crap.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=14297&reviewer=405
originally posted: 04/21/06 12:30:31
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User Comments

10/30/08 Shaun Wallner Well made. 3 stars
6/16/08 Jenn Touched on good points, but came up short. Too Exhaggerated. 3 stars
6/16/07 Skinny Bitch fucking piece of shit 1 stars
10/19/06 Nenew I thought the movie was okay except for the quality of the film was bad 2 stars
9/25/06 Sarah I thought this movie was great, it made me laugh and made me sad. Overall great movie!! 5 stars
9/13/06 David Cohen If I had to hear them say "skinny bitches" one more time I would have smashed the set 1 stars
6/05/06 Thaina I loved this movie Mo'nique did and say everything I would in real life. 5 stars
4/27/06 Jen Wilson Had potential but fell flat 2 stars
4/12/06 San Lamar Aiight 3 stars
4/11/06 Paula very few laughs -- I felt more like crying 2 stars
4/10/06 Anthony I love Mo'Nique in this film. It was hilarious. 4 stars
4/10/06 lawrence mcintyre this was a great movie i loved it 5 stars
4/10/06 Izzy I liked it, but the camera work was sooooo bad. Lots of laughs though. 3 stars
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  07-Apr-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 22-Aug-2006



Directed by
  Nnegest Likké

Written by
  Nnegest Likké

  Jimmy Jean-Louis
  Joyful Drake
  Eric Roberts
  Jack Noseworthy

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