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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0.63%
Worth A Look: 5.06%
Just Average: 5.7%
Pretty Crappy: 10.13%

10 reviews, 98 user ratings

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Avengers, The (1998)
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by Charles Tatum

"I want to avenge my video rental fee"
1 stars

Foisted on an unsuspecting public, this British try at a new franchise other than Bond flopped at the box office and with good reason(s).

Ralph Fiennes is the very dapper agent John Steed, working for the Ministry led by "Mother" (Jim Broadbent) and "Father" (Fiona Shaw). A company called Prospero is destroyed by Dr. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman), or at least her double, and Steed and Peel team up to track down the culprit and put an end to the nefarious deeds. Enter Sir August DeWynter (Sean Connery), the obvious villain, who has created a weather machine and plans to freeze London to the tune of ten percent of the gross national product. He has been working with "Father," a plot point my cat could figure out, and Peel and Steed race against the clock to save the world...blah blah blah...

I am not going to go any deeper into the plot because I do not care. If Warner Brothers does not respect its audience enough to release a decent film based on a cult television show, why should I bother with the intricacies of a standard action flick plot? You could plug any other buddy cop characters into Steed and Peel's places, take away the sexual double entendres, and you have "Lethal Weapon 5" or "Still Another 48 Hrs."

Fiennes is okay as Steed, but he plays him like his umbrella has been placed where the sun don't shine. Instead of looking unflappable during fight scenes, he looks uncomfortable. Thurman is a different choice as Peel, and the best thing in an otherwise dreary film. She was also the best thing in "Batman & Robin," which makes me wonder if she is reading entire scripts or just her parts before signing to do action films. Poor Sean Connery is a victim of great casting (A villain! Cool!), but is given nothing to do. The lack of direction forces him to act kind of crazy and kooky, and he does not get to chew any scenery or play the part big.

The film is less than an hour and a half, and feels like a long preview for a better film. The action is there, the impossible effects, heroes and villain, but the effort is too muddled. It seems like this idea read great on paper, but no one had any confidence to put it onscreen, resulting in a loud movie full of explosions and effects, and nothing more (like "Super Mario Bros.")

Steed and Peel, the two smartest people on film and television since the Crane brothers on "Frasier," never rely on their smarts to solve the case. The big break in the case? Steed finds a map...I kept looking for a paw print from Blue, since my kindergartener could follow the weak plot. Steed kicks butt with his umbrella, but never just sits down and figures the crime out. Even Bond must do some brain work once in a while. Add to this mess Bailey (Eddie Izzard), DeWynter's henchman who is silent for the entire film. He is one of those screenwriter's devices who, when he does finally say a word, is supposed to be funny. He isn't. I knew going in the reputation this film had, but I never imagined it to be this fantastically awful.

A snowed-in London? DeWynter doesn't know what cold is, try forgetting your gloves in ninety below zero wind chill in a North Dakota January. "The Avengers" left me just as cold.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15&reviewer=325
originally posted: 12/08/02 16:24:24
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User Comments

4/26/16 Ken Steaming pile of smelly dog shit! 1 stars
2/20/14 Justin R. Stupid, stupid film!!! 1 stars
1/22/13 dr.lao Good only for playing MST3K, the Home Game 1 stars
7/20/12 Sean Harrison It's a shame that Sean Connery's name was attached to this. 2 stars
10/05/11 torturedsoul What a sad world where huge sums of money are spent on such rubbish 1 stars
7/12/09 danny boy Sean Connery in a bear suit. 1 stars
11/12/08 The Dork Knight gaaaaahhh! absolute crap!! 1 stars
8/27/08 Shaun Wallner This one was kinda boring. 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda could not finish it . was horrible dull! 1 stars
7/25/08 The Dork Knight Avoid. 1 stars
7/05/08 dan halberg The teddy bear scene was funny. Otherwise crap 1 stars
10/28/07 J. Shaw You have to take it for what it is - junk food. If you look at it that way, it's kinda fun! 4 stars
4/09/07 JM Synth Fantastic set design, occassional spark of imagination, but a poor film overall 2 stars
4/14/06 mr.mike didn't think it was that bad 4 stars
11/23/05 Narcs This movie was waste of my money.. what a waste of time and taste. 1 stars
9/07/05 paki_munda how awful was this 1 stars
8/12/05 ES Mr. Connery you've been so graious by selling out in the past, please once more= ok 1 stars
6/21/05 Roland Berry Don't watch this film if you are a fan of the TV series. 1 stars
3/21/05 craig varney total crap doesn't even compare to the tv show 1 stars
11/17/04 Jews for Hitler Jesus wept.... 1 stars
10/20/04 C.J. Hey! How come I always have to defend this movie? 4 stars
9/18/04 CharWar Parts of it were fun - costumes interesting - hated the bears 4 stars
6/11/04 DJ ERIC 88 i actually enjoyed this movie and was suprised people hated it! 4 stars
6/11/04 John horrendous - totally inept and terrible casting except for Connery 1 stars
4/17/04 Pete Holy 1 stars
4/05/04 Mr X This movie thinks there is a Hollywood conspiracy to purposely dumb down America 1 stars
3/24/04 Whatevr Its a good thing they don't test this movie on animals 1 stars
2/26/04 DM What the fuck happened? 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu It physically hurt me. I am legally within my rights to sue the filmmakers for assault. 1 stars
6/03/03 Charles Tatum Bad in so many ways 1 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Mind-bogglingly bad. Dull, boring, blank, incoherent. Blah. Ick. Duh. 1 stars
2/10/03 Ubu the Ripper After starring in this yawnfest Thurman and Feines should take a cut in pay. 1 stars
1/10/03 Paul Coleman Hideous, embarrassing GARBAGE. Catherine Zeta Jones would have made a better Mrs. Peel. 1 stars
12/28/02 Colin Selby what a hopeless mess 1 stars
12/09/02 gromm I couldn't watch more than 5 minutes of this movie. And the accents are fake. 1 stars
10/13/02 KMG it was difficult to understand what the fuck this movie was about 1 stars
9/04/02 Chancey Thunderpants Oh my... this was terrible. Disastrous attempt at filmmaking, acting, everything. 1 stars
6/17/02 Bart I sooo wanted this to work. Disappointing. 2 stars
6/02/02 Dark Barøn Yeah. 1 stars
3/01/02 Alan Smithee You know you're in trouble when Uma in a leather body suit can't make you watch a movie! 1 stars
8/12/01 Catherine I know movies can suck but... 1 stars
7/14/01 officer 412/l they spend months hyping this film trying to make us believe it was unmissable. was it fuck 1 stars
6/07/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) I almost cried. Swear to God. 1 stars
5/29/01 Thrillhouse Don't waste your money on this movie. Oh, and the movie is laughably stupid. 1 stars
5/26/01 Connoisseur this was the worst movie i've ever seen dudes 1 stars
4/25/01 Spetters Connery, thurman and fiennes make bloody fools of themselves! FUCKING PAINFUL!!!!! 1 stars
4/15/01 Rampage Bums in teddy bear suits!? What the hell?! This movie is un-friggin'-believable! 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Uma is awful. Come back Diana!!! 1 stars
2/19/01 T. Sharif The Avengers will help you get your zzzzz....... 1 stars
2/05/01 Mister Char i hope uma thurman dies of a slow cancer. 1 stars
1/12/01 Avenger Girl What a miscarriage of justice to a great legendary TV show 2 stars
12/07/00 Cristopher Revilla Someone should grab that teddybear suit and shove it up the diretors ass, or Uma's!!! 1 stars
10/05/00 Ralph Fiennes Alright alright I'm sorry! I only did it to perve at Uma in leather 1 stars
9/11/00 Ground Zero There are movies that suck so bad, but this movie is one of 'em 1 stars
9/07/00 Stuntman stupid, sloppy and really, really pathetic acting 1 stars
7/28/00 Jinx Worst film I've seen in the last 10 years. Moronic. Unclever. Disjointed. BAD ACTING. 1 stars
7/22/00 Digitalus Swarms of bugs, teddy bears... oh God. Come up with cheap 1-liners and a really bad cast 1 stars
7/09/00 Andrew Freeman Uma is hot...but those Teddies pushed me over the edge (masturbating) 2 stars
6/26/00 Ulatekk Guys in Teddy Bear suits? What the fuck??? I walked out after 15 min. 1 stars
5/30/00 danilo there are movies that are so bad they're good. But this movie is so bad it's just bad 1 stars
4/26/00 Pansy Vile and stupid movie. God it sucked! 1 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers What? Where? When? Why? How? Some of the many questions you'll think during this film. 1 stars
3/07/00 Richard Wright A complete mess. One liners aren't funny,actors are poorly cast and film is boring to boot. 1 stars
3/01/00 Ionicera The only thing saving this movie from absolute zero it deserves is the Fiennes sauna scene. 2 stars
11/04/99 Karahde Khan Release the series on video now, and burn until the last copy of this horrid travesty. 1 stars
10/03/99 Joe Schmoe Like ChefMichelle said, pure crap 1 stars
9/19/99 Admiral Crunch rude/Charney, your comments confirm you're a dimwit, Uma and Feines needs to do some Pepsi 1 stars
5/09/99 Ah Dooey Can I give it 0 stars? F**king shit. 1 stars
4/15/99 Mr. Kramitall Umm, Lulu, your biological clock is showing. Oh, and the movie goddam sucks! 1 stars
4/01/99 The Incredible Sulk Righto with the review, Oz. Sexist, offensive, vile, stupid and pathetic. 0 stars. 1 stars
3/26/99 Technorama Was there a great movie? All I saw was a bunch of stupid "jokes" and FX. It just sucked. 1 stars
3/17/99 Madcap "How real do you feel Mrs. Peel?" "Why, rather plastic, thanks for asking" 2 stars
3/13/99 Viral Messiah Hollywood should be sued for this putrid piece of crap. 1 stars
3/12/99 Lulu I loved it. It was different from most. Dissapointing to the series however 5 stars
1/24/99 donkey_dew Not bad, not too bad at all. 4 stars
1/07/99 Jo Mama my girlfriend wanted to see this shit...we broke up shortly after 1 stars
12/10/98 Skip Danner One of the worst films of all time. My god; who was in charge here? 1 stars
11/24/98 Mr.Pink Worst movie of 1998, it was even worse than Batman & Robin 1 stars
10/28/98 Bad Kosh Thiis movie drove me nuts. I died laughing at that crock of crap. 1 stars
10/19/98 Dark Horizons I was incredibly disappointed by this movie. 2 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo God awful. Ralph Fiennes can't do camp. Nor can Uma. Or Sean. 1 stars
10/16/98 Finley Pure crap. 1 stars
10/07/98 Korny Island See "shitty" in the dictionary. Why go camp with the straightest actor ever? 1 stars
10/01/98 Specter Funny satire on the whole; Uma looks great in tight leather. 3 stars
9/28/98 Marty in St.Louis The villian wants to control the weather? Is this Connery or "the Brain"? 1 stars
9/22/98 CHRIS "Motherfukin" Paulychronopolus This movie couldnt blow me! 1 stars
9/20/98 AL I thought this movie was really good, and funny! 4 stars
9/20/98 Allen Galland Boring 2 stars
9/16/98 Joe Mama This movie was a piece of shit. 1 stars
9/14/98 Mark Nelson Fair 3 stars
9/13/98 Acappellanowords Godawful!! Gave me bad "Hudson Hawk" flashbacks! 1 stars
9/10/98 Mike It was funny as hell. Don't go with too high expectations. But, coulda been worse. 4 stars
9/05/98 Kid Pee-Pee It's official. I hate Uma and Ralph can't act. 1 stars
9/05/98 Mike Lancaster Sean Connery will be wearing a Barney suit next! Is $$ worth this kind of embarrassment? 1 stars
8/28/98 The 13 Inch Grey Penis. Seriously, if Sean Connery is still the sexiest man in the world after this, I'll convulse. 1 stars
8/22/98 Mister Whoopee Not even Uma in leather can make this shit float. 2 stars
8/16/98 Ryan_A One of the worst movies I've seen this year. 1 stars
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  14-Aug-1998 (PG)
  DVD: 03-Feb-2004


  05-Nov-1998 (PG)

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