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Overall Rating

Awesome: 16.05%
Worth A Look: 6.17%
Just Average: 29.63%
Pretty Crappy: 11.11%

6 reviews, 45 user ratings

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Marine, The
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by Charles Tatum

"or, Marine!"
1 stars

Imagine an action film directed by the guys who made "Airplane!" and "Top Secret!"...yes, I know it was called "Hot Shots!" but go with me on this one.

John Triton (John Cena) is booted out of the Marine Corps for disobeying an order and saving a bunch of hostages while on duty in Iraq. He comes back home to his big house and hot wife Kate (Kelly Carlson, which I misread as Kelly Clarkson and kept waiting for that American Idol chick to show up) and immediately takes a job as a security guard in an office building. That goes all sorts of wrong, he's fired, and the couple decide to take an extended vacation to get away from it all (apparently one of them has inherited a lot of money because no Marine can live like this under the rank of Brigadier General).

Kate gets kidnapped by a gang of jewel thieves headed by the very cool Rome (the very cool Robert Patrick). We see the heist in the beginning of the film in one dizzying over-directed scene. John survives A LOT of physical punishment as he pursues the gang, who try to negotiate the swamps of South Carolina.

"The Marine" is a big ugly cartoon. This was Cena's first starring role, and it shows. His physical screen presence is impressive, but then he tries delivering a line of dialogue. This film was tailor-made for his wrestling persona, and made for his fans as well. I've never watched anything WWE has put out aside from some of their films, so I have no reference point about Cena's role on the canvas.

John Bonito goes insane with his camera, and not in a good way. One shot of Rome simply getting out of a car and walking into the jewelry store is directed with quick cuts and lots of shots...but he is only walking into a jewelry store! The film is heavily padded, the ninety-one minute unrated version features endless sequences of John jogging around a swamp, and a seven minute closing credits crawl.

I liked the villains more than our hero. Robert Patrick is always good. Anthony Ray Parker steals his scenes as the unbalanced Morgan. There is one scene of dialogue in the middle of the swamp about racism that felt like it was from another movie, and had me laughing. Of course, the biggest laughs come from the action sequences. John takes more blows to the head than a professional football player, yet suffers none of the consequences. This film is infamous for having Triton survive THREE different exploding building sequences, hair and biceps intact. In one scene, Kate is handcuffed in a runaway truck as it barrels through a burning building, and I immediately thought of the sequence in "Top Secret!" with the runaway vehicle and the Pinto. EVERYTHING in this film blows up. EVERYTHING. The physics of the action sequences are astounding.

So maybe I'm being too hard on this. Maybe it's just a lark, and I should relax. I don't think so. The criminals are so sloppy and cartoonish that I think my chubby bald middle-aged self could bring them down. I don't take them as seriously as our main hero does, and "goofy action comedy" is not what the film makers had in mind. There is one scene where Rome takes a call to confirm an expanded cable television package he ordered, and I was tickled by that. Then, cut back to Triton, who should be suffering from brain damage, and the movie bogs down once again.

"The Marine" has prompted a couple of direct to video sequels, without Cena, and I think I'll skip those, too. Cena could be the next Dwayne Johnson if he played his cards right.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15260&reviewer=325
originally posted: 04/08/14 19:28:41
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell lame 1 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth the worse action movie ever 1 stars
5/08/14 Richard Brandt Heartfelt plea against the perils of rock candy. Just say no, kids. 3 stars
4/14/14 Richard Brandt Robert Patrick obviously having a great time as the villain. Watch out for HARD CANDY!! 3 stars
8/25/13 DB Worst action movie since "XXX" 1 stars
1/21/11 Chris F stick to wrestling john 1 stars
10/25/08 Shaun Wallner Cena.. keep your day job lol 1 stars
8/24/08 flojenkins one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever 5 stars
7/30/08 Dime it was what is expected in action films, a bit predictible though 3 stars
5/02/08 Karrie Millheim It was sort of boring to me, good action though 3 stars
11/10/07 hunter a cool action movie with my favorite wreslter john cena is the man 4 stars
11/03/07 Josh Worst movie that has ever been created. 1 stars
8/26/07 njabulo worst movie ever u all dumjmy idiots u americans 1 stars
7/19/07 B Every devildog "Marine" in the nation should be disgusted, I wasted $3.99 on John Cena 1 stars
5/22/07 JohnCena I'm a MARINE!!!! We are going throught it!!! This movie sucked ass 5 stars
3/01/07 Soc Do they still do such shit? Bad advertising for the marin core... 1 stars
2/23/07 cody a pretty darn good action flick, john cena is just awesome, chick fight scene is cool man. 4 stars
2/22/07 Rob Kinda lame but had some good moments and laughs best part was special features 2 stars
2/08/07 Ryan_A Cena's no Rock. Action at its most generic. At least Patrick's having fun. 2 stars
2/05/07 Sugarfoot A huge problem, is this movie intended to be so funny? Or is it that awful? It's a toss up. 2 stars
1/30/07 action movie fan exciting action hostage flick-pays homage to deliverance,southern comfort, shot to kill- 4 stars
1/03/07 Sean Horrible. 1 stars
12/22/06 Monica Cruz this is the best movie evr... well duhh nethign with joh ncen ais awesome... 5 stars
12/17/06 maggie kraler this is the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
12/13/06 Stephanie i love johncena soo much and i also loved his movie The Marine. He looked really good 5 stars
12/10/06 Wilitza I Love John Cena, I like the Movie. 5 stars
12/05/06 john cena fan you guys are so stupid cena was awsome in that movie you guys are just bullshitin 5 stars
12/05/06 blackhawk just watch it, eventhough i don't like john cena 3 stars
12/04/06 salina this was the best movie you stupid people that said it wasn't good 5 stars
12/03/06 I hate Wrestlers Worst action flick I have ever seen. It's no Commando... 1 stars
11/30/06 Justin Loved it all it only got bad rating cuz the anti cena fans brung it down 5 stars
10/31/06 person this was one of the best movies ever you people that gave it a 3 or lower are retarded 5 stars
10/29/06 Chris A YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS 1 stars
10/23/06 michael wait for the dvd had its moments but the music made it seem like a bad porn without skin 3 stars
10/20/06 Ray I would never have seen this movie from reading the reviews, but it was hilarious. 4 stars
10/18/06 Mark I thought Hollywood stopped makig movies this bad 1 stars
10/17/06 Randy It's no Few Good Men but for a sit down, shut up and enjoy the ride flick, this ones great 5 stars
10/16/06 crissy I think this movie is great for cena's first movie 5 stars
10/16/06 nate They took the Marine name and turned it into a joke 1 stars
10/15/06 Anonymous Bob How could you possibly give this more than 1 star? 1 stars
10/14/06 Shery Typical silly, action flick, as long as you know that about it.....you will have fun. 4 stars
10/14/06 C You have to be a dumbass to give this 5 stars 1 stars
10/13/06 Matt Oakland Great action popcorn flick 5 stars
10/13/06 Nick No Good 1 stars
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  DVD: 30-Jan-2007

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  25-Jul-2007 (M)
  DVD: 25-Jul-2007

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