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Awesome: 9.86%
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Pretty Crappy: 8.45%

2 reviews, 130 user ratings

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Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
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by Peter Sobczynski

"Makes "Alien Vs. Predator" Look Like "Alien" or "Predator"
1 stars

I can honestly say that there was actually one moment during “Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem,” the not-exactly-eagerly-anticipated rematch between the two hugely popular creature franchises, that actually caused myself and my fellow moviegoers to leap out of our seats and set our collective pulses pounding. Alas, this moment occurred just before the screening was to begin when an employee of the multiplex where I saw the film as part of my Boxing Day rituals (since the good people at Fox, the same people who gave you the likes of “Epic Movie” and “Hitman,” didn’t have the stones to screen it in advance for critics) came in and informed us that, due to a technical malfunction, the film would actually be playing in an auditorium clear at the other end of the building. Of course, it would have been nice if she had come in more than one minute before the show was to begin to tell us what theater we should have really been in. Of course, it would have been nicer if she had directed us to a theater that was screening a better movie than the one we were about to see–it wouldn’t have been that hard since I suspect that she could have pulled that trick off simply by naming any one of the other 20 movies that were also playing. (I am hedging my bets on this only slightly because I haven’t seen “Alvin & the Chipmunks,” another fine offering from the folks at Fox, the people who gave you “The Comebacks,” on the basis that I don’t review things involving musically-inclined vermin.) Of course, it would have been nicest of all if she hadn’t come in at all and let us just sit there because having seen “AVP: R,” I can assure you that staring at a blank screen for 86 minutes will provide far more entertainment value than the film that was supposed to have been projected on it–better action scenes as well.

“AVP: R” kicks off right where 2004's “AVP” left off as a Predator warship departs from Antarctica, the locale of the previous film, bearing the body of a fallen comrade from which a Predator-Alien hybrid issues forth in inevitably messy fashion. (By the way, the review is being written under the assumption that anyone who is actually reading this knows what I am talking about regarding Aliens and Predators and such.) The PredAlien grows to full-size in about six seconds, decimates the rest of the crew and causes the ship to crash in the woods just outside of the bucolic town of Crested Butte, Colorado. Luckily, the PredAlien and a bunch of young Aliens that were along for the ride survive the crash and set off to wreak havoc on the countryside while another Predator arrives to clean up the mess that his comrade have left behind by destroying the creatures and any evidence of their existence via some weird blue substance that dissolves anything it touches. (Of course, when he kills someone, he leaves the body dangling from a tree for all to see for reasons that defy explanation.)

Caught in the crossfire are the innocent denizens of Crested Butte–including a faceless tough guy who has returned home after a mysterious absence (Steven Pasquale), his faceless younger brother (Johnny Lewis), a faceless soldier who has returned home from overseas (Reiko Aylesworth), her faceless young daughter (Ariel Gade), a faceless sheriff (John Ortiz) and a teen sexpot (Kristen Hager) whose cleavage is so prominent that you probably won’t even notice if she is faceless or not. In order to survive, they have to figure out how to defeat both the Aliens and the Predators and survive even when the military, after losing an entire National Guard platoon to one creature in their most embarrassing on-screen battle since “Southern Comfort,” decides to contain the problem by nuking the entire town. Note to the National Guard: I don’t want to be telling you how to run your business but if you insist on running that monstrous “Citizen Soldier” video in movie theaters as part of the pre-show “entertainment,” you might want to reconsider placing it before a film in which a number of your members not only get wiped out in about six seconds flat but apparently can’t sense a ginormous acid-dripping beast when it is literally standing right behind them.

Although I am an enormous fan of the four “Alien” films (yes, even the unjustly maligned “Alien 3" and “Alien Resurrection”) and have a certain affection for the two “Predator” films, I have to admit that I have always been one of those many individuals who has felt that the notion of having the two species duking it out in a spinoff film (an idea born out of a throwaway background gag in “Predator 2") was a fairly dopey idea born out of the desperation of a studio looking for a way of extending two of their properties without putting any real effort into the job. This was pretty much proved by the original “Alien Vs. Predator,” in which the already unpromising property was placed in the hands of the singularly untalented Paul W.S. Anderson (and yes, I am fully aware of whom he has successfully impregnated and affianced, so you can just hush up now) and resulted in a film that not even the most ardent devotees of the respective franchises liked very much. Of course, while virtually no one who saw the film had anything kind to say about it, enough people showed up to gawk at the wreckage in their local theaters (and later on DVD) to make it profitable enough to warrant a sequel. Although it is doubtful that anyone who saw the first film went away from it clamoring for more, the idea of doing a follow-up wasn’t the worst idea in the world–having proven that an atrocious “AVP” film could bring in the crowds, the people in charge this time around (not including Paul W.S. Anderson, who was moving on to greener pastures, as it were) could actually sit down and create one that was worth watching. (My dream “AVP” film, for example, would take the form of one of those old Disney Tru-Life Adventure films and simply feature Aliens and Predators beating the crap out of each other on a distant planet without any human interference to speak of outside of a narrator.)

Alas, not only is “AVP: R” not an improvement on the original, screenwriter Shane Salerno and directors The Brothers Strause (don’t they have a show on the Disney Channel?) Have somehow managed the singular achievement of making a film that is decidedly worse than the previous installment. For starters, fans of the two franchises will be appalled with what have been done to their beloved creatures in an effort to slap together 80-odd minutes of incredibly inconsequential entertainment–“Alien” buffs will be appalled with the manner in which this story wreaks havoc with the already-shaky continuity of the previous films (including yet another pointless variation on the creatures’ gruesome reproductive cycle), “Predator” freaks will be annoyed by how easily they get picked off by the Aliens and both will be up in arms over the fact that these seemingly indestructible monsters can be so easily dispatched by a bunch of yokels with machine guns. Gorehounds who are thrilled with the fact that the film has been rated R for bloodshed will be annoyed to discover that since virtually every scene is set in the dark–the last half of the film takes place during a town-wide blackout but the first half is, if anything, even murkier–that it is almost impossible to discern who is an Alien and who is a Predator, let alone what they are doing to their unsuspecting prey. Those who are simply looking for an agreeably mindless monster mash to kill some time and brain cells with are going to be up in arms over the laughable dialogue (a collection of cliches so threadbare that “We need guns” pretty much serves as its version of the St. Crispins Day speech from “Henry V”), moronic characters (one actually appears stunned to discover what exactly can be found within the walls of your friendly neighborhood sewer), pointless subplots (let’s just say that a local bully gets more play in the film’s opening half than either of the titular creatures) and attempts at suspense that will put off even the most undiscriminating genre buff with their nastiness and gratuitous–this is the kind of film that brings in a young child and a woman just about to give birth for no other reason that to let us see them torn to pieces by creatures popping out of their stomachs in scenes that I suspect will be played down considerably in the next Fox shareholders report.

Sharp-eared audience members at “Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem” will notice that one of the central characters–I think it is the faceless older brother with a past–has been given the name Dallas, the same name of the character played by Tom Skerritt in the original “Alien.” My guess is that this was done as some kind of in-joke nudge for fans to chuckle over. (For all I know, there may have been similar shout-outs to the “Predator” crowd as well but I am admittedly not as well-versed in those films.) However, I bet if you poll any fans that actually make it to the end of this unpleasant and unwatchable disaster, they would have preferred a different kind of tribute to their memories–something along the lines of a Predator going back in time to dump some of that blue stuff on Shane Salerno’s computer (and possibly on Shane Salerno himself) in order to prevent this affront from ever making it to the big screen in the first place.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15560&reviewer=389
originally posted: 12/26/07 17:40:48
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User Comments

1/27/16 Jack didn't like it all that much 2 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth worst piece of crap ever 1 stars
11/01/11 Jon Ever try finding your way through your dark home at 3am? That's this movie. 1 stars
7/21/11 Wotorious This movie felt exactly like Species 2. 2 stars
5/15/11 stephen nettles Better than the first 3 stars
3/26/10 GC Predator in a saved by the bell episode.Nordorf review says it all. 1 stars
1/15/10 mr.mike It did need better lighting. 3 stars
8/01/09 Irastev One of the most incompetent movies I've seen 1 stars
4/22/09 Sugarfoot How much rape can a franchise take? 1 stars
3/08/09 Total Crap This movie SUCKED...HARD! There is no lighting at all during the action scenes. AVOID!! 1 stars
8/28/08 Shaun Wallner This movie has some great scenes in it. 5 stars
7/02/08 Jack Spot on review; sub-moronic delivery of dull and/or depraved ideas. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. 1 stars
6/19/08 DK Entertaining enough SCI-FI mash up. 3 stars
6/11/08 Jayson Did we even need another sequel? 1 stars
6/09/08 Ivana Mann I couldn't see a goddamn thing...too dark. Inexcusable, piss-poor production design! 1 stars
6/03/08 Tim Generally entertaining - the irritating teens aside 4 stars
5/22/08 Charles Tatum Vile, inane, repulsive...one of the worst films ever made 1 stars
5/18/08 kim what a piece of shit. who kills babies in movies, implied...what a pair of sick f#@@%% 1 stars
5/17/08 mark madsen I totally hate movies that are shot dark. I like to see the movie and not just shawdows . 1 stars
4/15/08 action movie fan some good moments and decent stoyr but could have been more intense 3 stars
3/10/08 Aliens #1 Fan why the love stories? i can care less 1 stars
3/04/08 rustr well i thought it was great. all you winey babies think you re even fans and cant appretiat 5 stars
2/08/08 tom lowik great movie 5 stars
2/03/08 Advantus Awesome for a fan of the series. Must see!!! 4 stars
1/26/08 Alice Just average but expected it 3 stars
1/22/08 gcc Why?Why are these movies being made?Insluting to the original A and P 2 stars
1/16/08 Ben B Absolutely awful. Would rather take a bullet than watch a second time 1 stars
1/15/08 Ole Man Bourbon Heinously awful story. Poor visuals--often can't even see what's happening. 1 stars
1/15/08 gerald s derivative of better movies. Cool deaths only redeaming feature. 3 stars
1/13/08 Fry This is a brutal rape of both the Predator and Alien concepts, and an insult to the viewer. 1 stars
1/10/08 Chris Barlow I could have made a better A & P movie. Dumb, lame, cliched. Thanks Brothers Shitsville. 1 stars
1/09/08 LD Glad that I did not listen to the fools and enjoyed this one ... better than AVP1 A3 and P2 4 stars
1/09/08 Rick Where to start? Hard to tell when you you couldnt see anything. Very dark. Not enough light 1 stars
1/07/08 Kelvin easily the worst alien movie - I didn't care for a single character in it - all just fodder 1 stars
1/06/08 Ryan It's ludicrous to mention "Welles" when reviewing a film like this! 3 stars
1/06/08 alien fan almost felt like I was watching 90210 for awhile! the pizza delivery guy getting bullied? 3 stars
1/06/08 I-K Goes to show there's no premise so fertile as to be immune to hamfisted, talentless hacks. 1 stars
1/06/08 Darnizm As expected, guts and gore, bad casting. Hospital was not needed 3 stars
1/05/08 Rei Fight scenes were good, did not like seeing pregnant women and babies being killed. 2 stars
1/04/08 Evans I give it one star cos that's the lowest rating available on your list. 1 stars
1/04/08 Aliens and Predator fan since the 80's. Complete and utter SHIT. By far the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. 1 stars
1/03/08 Lin "little kids, pregnant women" Yeah... You do realize the Xenomorphs don't discriminate? 4 stars
1/03/08 Jim I especially hated when the Predator "Wolf" took his sweet time taking his mask off 1 stars
1/03/08 marcell rodriguez rullan,a.k.a the biggest avp fan ever i adored the first avp film,but avp r crushingly disappointed me,i thought it was going to 2 stars
1/03/08 Nick Harris I begged after the movie for $7.50 so I could justify seeing this total piece of crap. 1 stars
1/03/08 Richard 'Teen horror' pathetic movie, could of made so much more-stay away 2 stars
1/03/08 KAGE If I could have actually seen the aliens I might have given it 3 stars, perfect review. 2 stars
1/03/08 Derek Blair Bad camera editing and pushed the envelope too far, killing pregenat women is to far. 1 stars
1/02/08 Marc If this movie sucked even more than it already does, it would have "Hoover" in its title. 1 stars
1/02/08 Bryan Johnson 5 stars
1/02/08 CRB R-rated movie, made for 20+ year old douche bags who watch mtv real world...lame lame lame. 1 stars
1/02/08 el barto This might very well be the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. 1 stars
1/02/08 James Only an idiot would enjoy this. My waterbill scares me more. Tasteless, pointless. 1 stars
1/01/08 bill gibron "prey on little kids, pregnant women strapped to hospital beds".. cool! its called horror! 4 stars
12/31/07 SL Awful, don't waste your money neither your time on this 1 stars
12/31/07 John Better than the first, kept with the mythos, gave me the action I wanted. 4 stars
12/30/07 Dallas Sorry, liked it. What you would expect if they came here 4 stars
12/30/07 dan tunks character developemnt? its a sci-fi movie its not a halle barry movie just kills some peopl 5 stars
12/30/07 Die Fat Nerd Virgin Die OK AvsP losers, you've seen your lousy movie now go back to jerking off to porn. It sucked. 1 stars
12/29/07 a johnson this was the worst movie ever. To use pregnant woman and newborn babies as victims awfu 1 stars
12/29/07 Wolfrider Total garbage - they ruined the franchise w/ this -- MINUS 5 stars, dont waste $$ 1 stars
12/29/07 CF Total shit, I didn't even sit through it. I love A and P movies but this movie sucked balls 2 stars
12/29/07 Karsten Walker I only hired you because your counselor asked me, no you only hired me cause shes hot ugh 3 stars
12/28/07 disappointed fan total crap, worse than the first 1 stars
12/28/07 Alex Is there not a way to give less than one star? 1 stars
12/28/07 Jay Bone Great movie, love the dark feel, sound was amazing, reminded me of the old Alien and Predat 5 stars
12/28/07 YungJazz No plot, too dark to see, boring violence.To Vicious, no, that was not entertainment. 1 stars
12/28/07 R The writers really need a girlfriend if they think exploding uterus are cool. 1 stars
12/28/07 Brian Mckay Adds nothing new to the Mythos, but much better than AvP or A3 or A:R 4 stars
12/28/07 pepper I actually liked this movie (minus a few gory parts). Music=Great,Reiko Alysworth=HOT 4 stars
12/28/07 Robert Movie was barely entertaining and predictable, not fun at all 1 stars
12/28/07 Roy Smith If you liked Transformers you'll like this, and please don't breed. 1 stars
12/28/07 Derek Pablum for 5th Grade Minds and 3rd Grade Mentalities 1 stars
12/28/07 Max Fisher I didnt have high expectations but still this failed on every level possible. 1 stars
12/27/07 yout mom stfu complaining assholes..its only entertainement if youre not happy go see harry pot shit 4 stars
12/27/07 Vicious Dissapointment. How can anyone do worse than Paul Anderson? 1 stars
12/27/07 Adam blood, and gore is not entertainment. if i wanted that i'd go to a meat packing facility 1 stars
12/27/07 Adam A retarded monkey with no arms could write a better script! 1 stars
12/27/07 avp WTF...this movie is such a waste of time.i`m a fan of both and even avp,but this is trash. 1 stars
12/27/07 raul valdez jr yeah another movie you people bitch and complain about GROW UP 5 stars
12/27/07 BJ Da Pimpdactyl Why can't they make this movie in the future like it's supposed to be? Like the books! 3 stars
12/27/07 Hindu Driver Terrible, what retard green lights this crap to be made. Talk about money to burn. 1 stars
12/27/07 Clark The best part of this "movie" was a musical cue from the original "Predator". It's that bad 1 stars
12/27/07 DonJohnston Should go down as the WORST movie of last decade. 1 stars
12/27/07 John There is such great material here, how do these morons keeping pissing on the franchises? 1 stars
12/27/07 HorusTheFalcon It's AvP-R NOT Alien 5 or Predator 3, stupid comments... 5 stars
12/27/07 Serena Williams Rules Amateurish, Boring! Only loser virgin horror nerds could like/make this made for TV crap! 1 stars
12/27/07 Nunol The 2nd best predator film. Have to watch it in DLP 5 stars
12/27/07 Jimi It's so badly done - no flow, no pace, no suspense... Even AvP is more solid, & that's bad! 1 stars
12/26/07 Lou I thought it was better than the first one but very dark filming. 4 stars
12/26/07 Pat So bad I had to laugh. So bad it insults the earlier movies 1 stars
12/26/07 Michael Terrible movie 1 stars
12/26/07 Mr.Reed This movie made me want to bash my head on desk repeatedly, nuff' said. 1 stars
12/26/07 Jovian make no mistake, this movie was a pile of steaming shit. 1 stars
12/26/07 Brian I want to punch somebody in the face after getting suckered into this BS. Fans should riot 1 stars
12/26/07 Joe Requiem finally delivers what AvP could not. 4 stars
12/26/07 Bill Laughably horrible. Throw in an extra star for that particularly horrible scene in the mat 2 stars
12/26/07 jjfresh It was exactly what i was expection! Great avp action and gore!! 4 stars
12/26/07 nitz23 what a pile of steaming dog shite. This may be the worst movie in human history. 1 stars
12/26/07 Steve All i want is a movie with just aliens and predator killing each other, thats it! 2 stars
12/26/07 Merton Muffley C'mon, it wasn't meant to be a great movies or even a good movie. 5 stars
12/26/07 Joel I enjoyed the "mothra vs godzilla" battle scenes and the 80's slasher film cliches. 4 stars
12/26/07 Jim simply a terrible amateurish film..devoid of any redeeming moments 1 stars
12/26/07 Chris Makes aliens look like pathetic bugs,Hardly deserves to have VS in the title 1 stars
12/26/07 Clay Better than expectations; great music score; you'll like if you were alive in 80s 4 stars
12/26/07 David I couldn't agree more fully with Briandorf. 1 stars
12/26/07 The Dread Pirate Roberts No plot, character development, lighting, or point at all. Worst A or P movie ever 1 stars
12/26/07 Glenn Horrible....Hollywood has no respect for the paying customer 1 stars
12/26/07 Jack What a waste. Another example of "buy into the trailer", buy a ticket to the movie. 1 stars
12/26/07 Andy i loved the first avp movie, but this one is trash.. i felt let down 1 stars
12/26/07 Joe M. If you've seen ANY A/P movies, don't see this one. If I could, i'd rate it 0 1 stars
12/26/07 vIncent Should have gone straight to video! Couldn't they afford lighting? 1 stars
12/26/07 Bob Very enjoyable film. Bit dark in places, and dodgily edited, but the unrated DVD should fix 5 stars
12/26/07 Jesse Graham I knew you'd cry about the baby scene spoiled artsy farty wuss!!!! 5 stars
12/26/07 Normal "Stop whining, it's only entertainment." What if I wasn't entertained? 2 stars
12/26/07 Ryan Absolutely painful to watch-total waste of my time and money,cheesy dialogue,acting,no plot 1 stars
12/26/07 Ryan Absolutely a waste of time and money. Why even have people in the movie? 1 stars
12/26/07 V I am A and P fan...still horrible. "Predator kicked ass" is hardly a measure of quality. 1 stars
12/25/07 Ralph Needs to be seen in digital with brite projection lamp, lots of action 4 stars
12/25/07 JP distasteful to the point of retardedness, seriously 1 stars
12/25/07 Joe Blaze Plain and simple if your not a A or P fan. Your going to hate it. 4 stars
12/25/07 Joe C The movie may lack character development, but doesn't lack AvP action, fans should watch. 4 stars
12/25/07 ctkillmer this reviewer should stop waiting for the 10 that never happens and enjoy what he used to w 4 stars
12/25/07 John Stop whining, it's only entertainment. Personally, I loved it, and the predator kicked ass. 5 stars
12/25/07 Brandon I feel like a total sucker for buying into the nifty trailer. Criminal what they have done. 1 stars
12/25/07 mike too dark to even know what's going on. pretty lame. i'm very disappointed 2 stars
12/25/07 Dan Yeah, okay, but did you like it? 3 stars
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  DVD: 15-Apr-2008



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