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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.03%
Worth A Look: 21.21%
Just Average: 6.06%
Pretty Crappy42.42%
Sucks: 27.27%

4 reviews, 9 user ratings

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Blood & Chocolate
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by Peter Sobczynski

"Well, At Least The Hair Is Perfect."
1 stars

Despite the title, “Blood and Chocolate” is neither a powerful documentary exposing the two most difficult-to-remove laundry stains nor is it the big-screen adaptation of the 1986 Elvis Costello and the Attractions album. It’s a shame because I can all but guarantee that either one of those concepts might have yielded a more entertaining work than this collision between a gooey teen-oriented star-crossed romance and a slightly gooier teen-oriented werewolf film–a collision from which there are no survivors, especially those audience members who find themselves in the unfortunate position of actually sitting through it during its sure-to-be-brief theatrical run.

Agnes Bruckner stars as Vivian, a mysterious young woman living in Bucharest with her aunt, her weasel cousin Rafe (Bryan Dick) and a strange and terrible secret. It seems that Vivian and her entire family are members of a rapidly shrinking colony of Eurotrash werewolves led by the extra-oily Gabriel (Oliver Martinez). Not only that, it turns out that Gabriel, according to Werewolf Law (yeah, right) needs to take a new wife every seven years and it appears that Vivian in next in line, according to some much-mentioned and barely-explained prophecy. Needless to say, this is a total bummer for Vivian and not just because her aunt was one of his former brides and Rafe is the product of their union. No, she just met Aiden (Hugh Dancy), an American graphic-novelist-on-the-run (please don’t ask), when they both broke into the same wolf-themed church after hours and it is love at first sight. Therefore, Vivian has to choose between family loyalty and true love while Aiden has to decide whether he can handle dating someone who bites, scratches and howls at the moon. Shockingly, he is perfectly okay with it, probably because biting, scratching and howling presumably doesn’t seem so bad when it is done by someone who looks like Agnes Bruckner.

From the above, “Blood and Chocolate” sounds like it could be an agreeably silly bit of fluff but the problem is that while the basic premise is too ridiculous to take seriously for a second, director Katja von Garnier handles it in such a plodding manner that it winds up being too dull to work as camp either. The romantic elements of the story never works because Bruckner and Dancy strike zero sparks together in their scenes together and the horrific elements come off even worse because von Garnier has absolutely no feel for the material. In theory, we are supposed to be simultaneously attracted and frightened of the nasty Rafe and his pals as they stalk their prey through the night but the effect is somewhat diluted by the undeniable fact that the roles has been filled by actors so patently unthreatening that they make the pretty boys from “The Covenant” look like the Wild Bunch by comparison. As for the transformation sequences, a key element to any self-respecting werewolf film, von Garnier’s only apparent idea is to have the werewolves shape-shifting while flying through the air in the slowest possible motion–an trick that has the disconcerting effect of making the film look like the oddest “Six Million Dollar Man” episode ever produced.

With its incomprehensible plotting, shoddy special effects and indigestible blend of romance and horror (two great tastes that do not taste great together in this particular case), “Blood and Chocolate” feels more the failed pilot to a below-average rip-off of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” sans the wit and emotion. I could be cute and flippant by concluding this review by saying that I have seen “I Was a Teenage Werewolf” and that “Blood and Chocolate” is no “I Was a Teenage Werewolf.” Frankly, that comparison is a little glib and frankly unfair to “Teenage Werewolf.” Instead, let me say that I have seen “Teen Wolf Too” and quite frankly, “Blood and Chocolate” is no “Teen Wolf Too.”

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15585&reviewer=389
originally posted: 01/26/07 01:10:06
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User Comments

1/10/10 art this is not a horror film,it's a DIME ROMANCE NOVEL! 1 stars
5/30/09 davvh Agnes Bruckner has such a nice ass! 3 stars
11/28/08 Rebekah I really liked it :] 5 stars
5/02/07 David Pollastrini PRETTY DUMB 2 stars
4/05/07 William Goss A stupid story with a terrible title, bad acting, and worse effects. 2 stars
3/23/07 Wendy Carpenter Blood, sure, but WHAT about chocolate?? Still a sensibler than average werewolf flick. 4 stars
2/07/07 RKM This was a horrible, horrible movie 1 stars
2/04/07 steve owen perfect example of a movie name destroying box office receipts 1 stars
1/26/07 orpy not so bad if you're a seventh grader; they loved it 3 stars
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  26-Jan-2007 (PG-13)
  DVD: 12-Jun-2007

  09-Feb-2007 (12)
  DVD: 25-Jun-2007


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