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5 reviews, 77 user ratings

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Twilight (2008)
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by Mel Valentin

"Strictly for teen (girl) fans of the series."
2 stars

"Twilight," the eagerly anticipated (by teen girls here, there, and everywhere) big-screen (if not big budget) adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s first novel in a four-volume series for young adults, is an uninspired, derivative vampire/teen romance. Crammed with unnecessary, over-obvious expository voiceover narration, a been-there, read-that storyline that offers safe predictability, and repetitive scenes of the co-leads gazing longingly at each other for minutes at a time, it’s hard, no strike that, almost impossible, to believe that the "Twilight" series has sold an estimated 17.5 million copies worldwide (8.5 million in the United States alone), but it has, and if the first in a promised four adaptations is any indication, it’s wholly undeserving of your (or your teen daughter’s) investment of time, effort, or money.

Twilight centers on Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a 17-year old girl, recently transplanted to Forks, Washington from Phoenix, Arizona. Bella’s man-obsessed mother, Renée (Sarah Clarke), has decided to follow her new husband, Phil (Matt Bushell), a minor-league player, to Florida for spring training. Bella ends up with her estranged father, Charlie (Billy Burke), the local police chief. At school, the usually isolated Bella finds herself the object of curiosity from her classmates. One classmate in particular, the pale-skinned, red-lipped Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), shows a strong, if perplexing interest in Bella. During their first day together in biology class, Edward rushes out, apparently ill. Bella approaches Edward about his behavior and slowly (very slowly), a romance begin to develop between Bella and Edward, much to the displeasure of Edward’s biological siblings, Alice (Ashley Greene) and Emmet (Kellan Lutz) and their respective romantic partners, Jasper Hale (Jackson Rathbone) and Rosalie Hale (Nikki Reed). Edward’s youthful father, Carlisle (Peter Facinelli), is also the town doctor and Charles acquaintance.

Bella eventually discovers that Edward’s idiosyncratic, stalkerish behavior hides a more disturbing truth: he, along with Alice, Emmet, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, and their mother, Esme (Elizabeth Reaser), are actually vampires. They’re not the “bad” kind of vampires, though. They refuse to feed on human blood (they live on animal blood) and prefer to live as reputable members of the community until the need to relocate (due to their lack of aging) arises. Like vampires of lore, Edward and his family are super-strong and super-fast, minus the usual limitations: sunlight doesn’t make them spontaneously combust and they don’t have fangs. Some have special powers: Alice can read the future and Edward can read minds (except, naturally, Bella’s). The arrival of several nomadic vampires, including James (Cam Gigandet), a bloodthirsty “tracker” who lives for the hunt, threatens Bella and Edward’s relationship and the Forks community.

Twilight isn’t so much predictable and clichéd (well, it is both) as it is clumsily written and awkwardly executed. With sub-par, often cringe-inducing dialogue courtesy of screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, much of it centered on Bella and Edward’s unconsummated romantic relationship, telegraphed plot turns, action scenes directed with an absence of style by Catherine Hardwicke (The Nativity Story, Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen), and repetitive scenes of angst-driven teen lovers, Twilight feels and looks and sounds, at best, like the first draft of a screenplay that needed a lot of polish before it went before the cameras or, at worst, a tedium-inducing amateurish production that can’t be saved by a cast better, much better, than the dialogue they’re forced to utter at semi-regular intervals or the contrived character motivations they’re forced to “sell” to unsuspecting (and presumably, suspecting) audiences.

The preceding comments, of course, will do much, if anything, to dissuade teenage girls and their acquiescent parents from seeing Twilight opening weekend and making it a box-office hit (sequels here we come). Meyer’s success, borrowing disparate elements from Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer (e.g., human-vampire romance), Anne Rice’s Interview with a Vampire and The Vampire Lestat (eternally young, eternally beautiful, conscience-ridden vampires), teen vampires from Joel Schumacher's The Lost Boys, the vampire-werewolf conflict (in her later books) from Len Wiseman's Underworld films, while adding little that could be described as original (the fangless vampires for one, their lack of photosensitivity for another, the lack of a supernatural connection for a third), but what she’s apparently done and done well enough to make her a bestselling author with a super-loyal fanbase is connect the vampire mythos with teen romance using angst, teen and otherwise, as a common thread.

Unfortunately, whatever zeitgeist-tapping efforts Meyer made with the "Twilight" series don’t translate into quality big-screen entertainment (let alone art). Instead, if you’re Bella’s age or younger, criticism of adaptation or the series won’t matter and you’ll see it anyway. If, though, high school was so last year (or so last decade), then you’re probably outside of "Twilight’s" intended audience of non-critical teenage girls. If you are, then you’re probably better off checking out "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (assuming you haven’t already, of course).

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=17385&reviewer=402
originally posted: 11/21/08 05:24:12
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell teeny bopper crap 1 stars
1/27/16 Taylor Love this film! 5 stars
2/14/15 jason gracio this movie for girl, children, retarded people and geek like harry fucking potter movies 1 stars
11/13/14 Thomas Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 2 stars
11/10/14 Derek What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 5 stars
11/09/14 Charlie Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 5 stars
11/09/14 Amia What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 4 stars
10/23/14 Charlotte Cool site goodluck :) <a href=" ">how much does bimatoprost cost</a> The new Explore feat 5 stars
3/22/12 maxomai somewhere between paint drying and "wtf am I watching." 1 stars
10/13/11 ashley rexrode love this movie 5 stars
4/29/11 art I EAT MY WORD"S from last year,THIS IS AN EXCELLENT FABLE! 5 stars
2/22/11 Joey Something of a small masterpiece in the romance novel genre. 5 stars
12/13/10 sandra dee a awesome movie based on a great book with a wonderful romance. 5 stars
11/28/10 hunt a cool vampire romance flick with cool action and making out. 4 stars
11/28/10 car a epic gothic romance with cool effects and a decent story 4 stars
11/11/10 Lundon how anyone can enjoy this movie i'll never know very slow not a whole lot happens 1 stars
9/04/10 anjana twilight is a good teenage love story.i love edward 5 stars
6/17/10 art PLAY"S better as a DIME NOVEL,rathr than a NIGHTMARE movie! 1 stars
5/26/10 Daniel Well directed considering the material. Beautifully shot in a Goth way. 4 stars
3/16/10 LP Quagmire Gas-passing vampires are no fun. 1 stars
2/10/10 amanunsa cool man 5 stars
1/20/10 Stanley Thai A timeless romance with vampires. The performances are great! 4 stars
12/27/09 jcanthony The reviewer's right-rent Buffy. There's nothing original here. 1 stars
12/20/09 amy Pretty good. It was better than I had expected. Judge for yourself. 4 stars
12/15/09 TheGreatMillz33 All I can say is that Twilight as a whole is a great dissapointment. 1 stars
12/13/09 Sakes Twilight rocks. Edward is deliciously good and amazing with his emotions. Great deep movie 5 stars
12/10/09 Lucas Twilight is complete garbage. You want a REAL vampire book? Go read something of Ann Rice's 1 stars
11/28/09 nora wazwaz WHO EVER HATES TWILIGHT IS A NUB!! I LOVE THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
11/26/09 art OVERRATED JUNK! 1 stars
11/23/09 Albert Valentin It is a pretty good movie with dark tones and a tragic romance 4 stars
11/21/09 FrankNFurter Kristen Stewart is the worst actress.Ever.Makes a corpse look too enthusiastic. 1 stars
11/19/09 ronald Holst great If you are very young and love Vampires 3 stars
11/18/09 Stewie Mills and Boon for Generation 'Y' 1 stars
11/16/09 millersxing twits 3 stars
10/18/09 auzzie chickie the book? Awesome. The movie? Awful! To save from let down watch the movie first. 1 stars
10/14/09 art THIS IS FOR LITTLE KID"S! 1 stars
9/06/09 art PURE COMIC-BOOK DRIEVEL! 1 stars
9/05/09 CTT If CW ever made a vampire story... 2 stars
7/26/09 Arsenic More boring than watching paint dry. I gave up halfway and snuck into a different movie 1 stars
6/17/09 jurisprudence terrible 1 stars
6/02/09 Matt This making 200 fucking mil is everything that's wrong with America. i havent even seen it 1 stars
5/31/09 art "YEAH I REALLY DUG THIS YARN" 1 stars
5/28/09 Bobby the Critic hehehe...bob 2 stars
5/01/09 kali super 5 stars
4/13/09 Dion Stewart has charisma on screen. DIrector got the tone of the movie right to the book. 4 stars
3/30/09 Dani O. Mah naemz Bella n I preeeeetty n I mov 2 small town n make out w/ sparklee vamp-boy. *puke* 1 stars
3/28/09 Eric Stewart & Pattinson pretty good, but overall the movie didn't live up to the hype. 3 stars
3/26/09 Amy Boring. Stupid fake makeup. Bad special effects. Why are all the boys wearing lipstick? 2 stars
3/22/09 eidy V Not what I was expecting never have read the book, but nice flick for a date. nice overall. 4 stars
2/04/09 Rio Twilight is film's answer to the Jonas Brothers. Sucks, but sells with stupid fangirls. 1 stars
2/01/09 Ashley It was suckish.The book was WAYYYYYYYY better 1 stars
1/08/09 Samiijo German the best movie i ever seen ! honestly the book was better, but i still love the movie. :} 5 stars
1/04/09 Koko I have never read the books. After seeing the movie, I really don't want to. 1 stars
12/18/08 Morgan hopelessly dissapointing. no chemistry. krud acting. 2 stars
12/15/08 Cesceli This Movie Is the best Movie i have ever seen in yeqars.I lOve how you write your books, it 5 stars
12/04/08 Joan Lunden What a waste of money. I could have spent it on a new black dildo. 1 stars
11/28/08 Rebekah I absolutely loved it! 5 stars
11/28/08 Kat You're all nuts. Best comedy I've seen all year. 5 stars
11/27/08 littlered this movie rocks. everyone should see it! 5 stars
11/27/08 Rachel Rigodon Don't do it! Stay away! 2 stars
11/26/08 Jonathan Why watch "Twilight" when we've got "True Blood" on HBO? 2 stars
11/23/08 Nicole your review is so accurate it's scary 1 stars
11/23/08 Obi Wan What kinda vampire movie has vamps with no fangs?! 2 stars
11/22/08 AJ Muller Not completely horrible but nowhere near GOOD; can't deny any faults mentioned either. 2 stars
11/21/08 Hailey Incredible review. I feel enlightened. 1 stars
11/21/08 Lauren Hilarious review. This is pretty much everything I've hated about the series, put on screen 1 stars
11/21/08 Raul Valdez Jr This movie is for the book fans not really for those who are horror fans. 4 stars
11/21/08 Evan Wow that review rocked. Let The Right One in is way superior. Great book and movie. 1 stars
11/21/08 Andy I'm really not that surprised. Poorly written book, poorly constructed movie. 1 stars
11/21/08 Kate A lot of the problems you had with the movie are problems that are found in the book. 1 stars
11/21/08 Maria From your review alone, it sounds insanely faithful to its source material. 2 stars
11/21/08 jes A big disappointment 2 stars
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  21-Nov-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 21-Mar-2009



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