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Story of Us, The

Reviewed By Chef ADogg
Posted 11/28/99 00:08:43

"Stop with that stupid song already."
1 stars (Sucks)

I thought Eric Clapton had sunk as low as he could go with his contribution to the “Runaway Bride” soundtrack, but he slips another few notches here. He pops off one of those ballads that must come to him in his sleep—and then Rob Reiner plays it over every other scene in this movie, until you almost like it.

Almost.

You could play that song over and over again for all eternity, I still wouldn’t find it all that appealing—much like the movie that it scores. “The Story of Us” is a pale Hollywood romance where the two leads spend eighty percent of the film’s running time at each other’s throats, veins bulging and tongues flapping. This is probably the loudest, stupidest, most abrasive movie that I have seen all year, and, no, I did NOT miss “The Haunting.”

Michelle Pfeiffer did such good work last year in “The Deep End of the Ocean” that she couldn’t even bear it, which is understandable. If you spent your entire life taking big, runny shits and then suddenly found your ass atop a golden egg, you might freak, too. She decided to spite all those critics who actually decided to respect her for once by starring in “The Story of Us,” a choice she apparently made under the guidance of Bruce Willis.

The new king of Serious Acting also shames himself with a smirky, aggravating performance. Pfieffer pours too much on, he holds everything back. It almost sounds like it might have worked, if either of these two had an ounce of talent between them. Unfortunately, they decided to leave the chops at home for this one.

Blame it on Rob “I’m respected by the general public even though the only movie I ever made worth a damn sucked anyway and came out fifteen years ago” Reiner, who does an admirable job of strangling a puppy with one hand and keeping the fingernails of his other paw running along the grand chalkboard of cinema for an hour and forty five minutes at a steady clip.

The script toggles between unrepentant sap and sexually explicit dialogue that aims for Kevin Smith frankness but comes out all strangulated and stupid (especially when being delivered by Rita Wilson, that ever hateful posterbitch for anorexia and starfucking). The direction is of the cut-n-paste, “Just aim the damn camera already!” school. The acting is sometimes horrid and often wretched.

I’m not going to waste any more time on this pathetic piece of gobshite. It sucks, plain and simple. Nothing could make it better, and I seriously doubt anything could make it worse. I’m gonna go try and forget it now. Have a nice day.

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