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Overall Rating

Awesome: 9.76%
Worth A Look: 1.22%
Just Average: 1.22%
Pretty Crappy: 3.66%

4 reviews, 58 user ratings

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Universal Soldier: The Return
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Charles Tatum

"This time, '2001: A Space Odyssey' meets a steaming pile of poo"
1 stars

I viewed this ill-conceived sequel immediately after the first film, resulting in three and a half hours of my life I cannot ever get back.

Luc (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is now a-okay, cured of his Universal Soldier tendencies. His wife from the first film has died, but he has a spunky daughter (Karis Paige Bryant), and works training a new round of Universal Soldiers. This time, the soldiers are controlled by a trustworthy computer named SETH, so absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong...

SETH decides he wants to keep the Universal Soldier program going after the Defense Department shuts it down. He orders the Universal Soldiers to start killing all the puny humans who are trying to destroy them, and SETH gets a new body of his own in the form of Michael Jai White. With the aid of a new spunky gal TV reporter love interest, Erin (Heidi Schanz), Luc must do battle with the soldiers while trying to rescue his daughter and stop unfeeling general Radford (Daniel Von Bargen) from blowing up central Texas in order to destroy SETH.

Ugh. I am at a loss for words. This film is thankfully twenty minutes shorter than the first film, and not as bloody. It is, however, nothing more than a series of uninspired fistfights and gun battles, where no character shows even the slightest hint of common sense. Van Damme's attempt to restart the franchise comes off as a vanity project made to aid his ailing career. If you look at all the actors here, they have the same expression on their faces: "what am I doing here?" The producers pull out all the stops, trying to keep the audience from falling asleep. Let's go to a strip club! Weak heavy metal songs on the soundtrack! Wrestler Bill Goldberg, throwing people around! Stunts and explosions! Did I mention the strip club?!

"Universal Soldier: The Return" is on par with the original, which sucked, too. Please, Jean-Claude, find something else, or better still, retire from films altogether.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1856&reviewer=325
originally posted: 10/11/04 11:17:15
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For more in the Tatum's Video Grab'nRun series, click here.

User Comments

6/22/13 John Tyler PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. 1 stars
6/10/11 max lords kiana tom was, one of the good things about this movie. 4 stars
2/27/10 dtgoddammit so awful its hilarious. watch for humor. 1 stars
12/08/06 Ash This film is ace wot a sequel the uva comments are ballox 5 stars
11/27/06 Mark This movie is punishment after death. 1 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman This movie fucking rocked, Pure action, if your 100% action watch this one, fuckin A' 5 stars
12/30/05 tony Its hard for me to say this but id rather watch Batman and Robin 1 stars
8/16/05 Klondo Van Damme may be a moron, but he's a good actor 1 stars
7/05/04 Talonsoft BLLLLLEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH not even a good effort, as an action fan i expect some drivel but t 1 stars
5/17/04 Croweater You think this is bad? Try sitting through UniSol 2&3 with Matt Battaglia! Arrggg! Mercy! 1 stars
4/28/04 X This movie makes you want to gouge out your eyes 1 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Van Damme couldn't act to save his own life. 1 stars
1/01/04 Monster W. Kung What a load of bollocks, 1 stars
9/23/03 bc Van damme cant act. He sucks and is crap. NO EMOTION. 1 stars
3/11/03 vandamme roflol 1 stars
4/26/02 Nick Van Damme sucks! He can't act his way out of a paper bag. 1 stars
3/15/02 Sugarfoot The first was decent but this was awful!!!!!! Dolph Lundgren needed! 1 stars
2/21/02 Dami This is grate 5 stars
11/10/01 Ken Jones What an awful movie!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/03/01 Butterbean Shitty flick. See the first U.Soldier, at least Van-Damme shows a sweet semi-nude shot. 2 stars
7/12/01 unisol this film is the fucking mentalist film in the world 5 stars
7/05/01 Craig Blanchard I wish I could run into JCVD so I could kick his stupid ballet trained head in! 1 stars
6/12/01 blap this movie is a total joke. vandamme is a total joke. neither's funny. 1 stars
6/02/01 Thrillhouse I wanted to kick JCVD's ass after seeing this dirtbag 1 stars
4/13/01 Andrew Carden Had good sepcail effects, but that's about it. 2 stars
3/29/01 Rampage Anyone who like this trash is a nutcase. And that goes for billybob and Robvd. Losers! 1 stars
2/05/01 billybob luv it 5 stars
2/05/01 Robvd Van DAmn kicks van ass 5 stars
12/03/00 Maestro The worst of the worst 1 stars
11/28/00 Cristopher Revilla Damn, the original was soooo much better, please don't watch this shitbag. 1 stars
11/11/00 Ground Zero Worse than Solo 1 stars
7/22/00 Digitalus Like Superfly said, if you enjoy this movie, you are probably a retard 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ hey guess what, this movie SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/25/00 Pansy JCVD + bad acting + lousy movie = waste of money! 1 stars
4/18/00 foxgroundcolt better than the orginal 3 stars
2/21/00 Mr. Kramitall Who the hell casted Jean-Claude Van Dufus in this movie? 1 stars
1/02/00 Jacob Harrison Not the best, but not the worst. Possible to be appreciated in a b-movie way. 2 stars
11/04/99 Mickey "Father Death" MacJohnstmyster Is there another actor besides JCVD who continues to give progressively WORSE performances 1 stars
10/12/99 Sherry The first one was soooo much better. 1 stars
10/09/99 Viral Messiah If you like this, you're a wacky-ass dimwit. SHIT! 1 stars
10/03/99 Suckit This suxs, Van Damme is the worst, worst movie of '99 1 stars
10/03/99 Joe Schmoe Screw Van Damme and his momma 1 stars
9/29/99 Orgazmo If anything I think the Universal Soldier should have been jews back in the 1940's. 1 stars
9/21/99 John Rizzo This movie rocks!!!! Best of '99!! Bill Goldberg is AMAZING!!! 5 stars
9/19/99 Admiral Crunch Booo! I agree with The Angry Jew. Bitchslap that Van Damme, that friggin' nutcase! 1 stars
9/08/99 Elijah Brilliant like radioactive diarreah 1 stars
9/08/99 Dax It's like watching Speed 2, but without the boat. 1 stars
9/06/99 Chet Worse than Inspector Gadget!!! 1 stars
8/26/99 Azimat A really turd movie that even gave bad name to turd movie 1 stars
8/24/99 Roman I hope this wins the rasberry award for worst picture of the year 1 stars
8/24/99 Jimmy I expected it to suck. It didn't dissapoint me. 1 stars
8/22/99 ladislau Who is Van Damme? Actor? Belgian Painter ? Hollywood's drop-out?Ask the producer who paid.. 1 stars
8/22/99 Michael Grimm Mr. Mau, your comments confirm you are truly retarded, Van Damme needs to do some more coke 1 stars
8/22/99 David Mau I think that movie was cool!!! Even though there's some bad side of it, but it was ok. 5 stars
8/21/99 Richard Cayer Could have been a made-for-TV movie 1 stars
8/20/99 BoB I agree 100% with Superfly. Jean-Claude Van Damme should quit as a actor. 1 stars
8/20/99 Ah Dooey Bitchslap that Van Damme! 1 stars
8/10/99 Meepos An absolute shocker. But as if you'd expect more. 1 stars
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  20-Aug-1999 (R)
  DVD: 28-Dec-1999



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