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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.57%
Worth A Look: 5.71%
Just Average: 2.86%
Pretty Crappy: 37.14%

3 reviews, 17 user ratings

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Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
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by Rob Gonsalves

"It really is that bad."
1 stars

Some of the most critically despised movies of recent years -- 'Walker,' 'The Dark Backward,' 'Shakes the Clown,' and several others you've never seen because the reviews scared you away from them -- have been guilty favorites of mine. So when Gus Van Sant's 'Even Cowgirls Get the Blues' opened to near-unanimous loathing, I had high hopes.

Van Sant's previous two movies, Drugstore Cowboy and My Own Private Idaho, were oddball but terrific; maybe the critics just weren't getting this one. For about half an hour, I was feeling pretty smug: The movie was entertaining, it looked great, and it was shaping up to be one of those films nobody likes except me. (That there were only three other people in the theater intensified my smugness.)

At about the 45-minute mark, though, I started checking my watch, which suddenly seemed frozen in limbo. Despite a promising start, Cowgirls is one of the most boring movies of all time, a ridiculous stew of mysticism, flat satire, and whimsy. Essentially, it's a Warhol film played almost straight, with prancing queens, killer lesbians assaulting their foes with feminine body odor -- all handled without irony. At least John Waters would have milked this material for all the rude humor it was worth. Van Sant, whose accepting, democratic style served him well in his earlier films, pays reverence to characters he should be scoffing at. By the time an old desert sage was saying "The earth is alive," I was praying for Denis Leary to burst in and deflate the movie's hippie-dippiness with a few verbal pinpricks.

Cowgirls is based on the cult novel by Tom Robbins, who narrates the movie; I haven't read it, but it has to be better than Van Sant's adaptation. Cissy Hankshaw (Uma Thurman) is born with abnormally large thumbs, which help her to become the best hitchhiker ever. She gets involved with various weirdos, including a revolutionary group of cowgirls who have branched off from a fat-farm ranch and dedicated themselves to saving the whooping crane. This sounds bizarre enough to be engaging, if handled well, but the movie dies at about the same time the story develops some tension -- should Cissy hit the road again or stay with her new love, Bonanza Jellybean (Rain Phoenix)? Again and again, Van Sant short-circuits the narrative with endless scenes of people discussing visions and destiny -- the sort of conversation you hear at parties where the smell of weed hangs heavy in the air. I can't remember the last time I was so grateful to see the end credits.

Van Sant is a respected filmmaker, so he lured lots of hip actors to contribute mostly meaningless cameos. Roseanne Arnold gets a few lines as a palm reader, Keanu Reeves appears as an asthmatic, John Hurt vamps his way through the fairly offensive role of "the Countess," and many other performers (Lorraine Bracco, Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, Buck Henry, Udo Kier, Angie Dickinson, Grace Zabriskie, Crispin Glover, Ed Begley Jr., Carol Kane) get chances to look foolish. What can you say about a movie in which Sean Young gives the best performance?

About the only thing 'Cowgirls' has going for it is k.d. lang's mesmerizing, plaintive score, which was available in stores for months before the film's release while Van Sant tinkered with the movie in a bootless attempt to make it watchable. Thanks to k.d., at least it's listenable.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=2124&reviewer=416
originally posted: 01/01/07 21:15:24
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Brisbane Film Festival. For more in the 2005 Brisbane Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/25/18 Louise I can't remember anything about this film - which is not a good sign. 2 stars
9/10/13 Jeff Wilder Disaster is too mild a description. 1 stars
3/20/11 art i GIVE it two THUMBS UP! 4 stars
11/30/09 Guillermo Vicéns kitt4film: It turned you off who?! Don't you mean Tim Robbins? 1 stars
10/11/09 rm I wanted to like this film, but it's one of the worst films I have ever seen. EVER. 1 stars
3/06/08 Bob Farm Sucks! 1 stars
1/10/08 Jimmy Cox Great 5 stars
4/25/07 Heidi Henkel The soundtrack is good. 3 stars
4/16/04 Michael Greenwaldt So awful! Without its awfulness it never would have received such cult classic status. 1 stars
3/11/03 Blabity blah Absolutely Worst Film EVER. 1 stars
1/09/03 kitt4film@hotmail.com I hated this film and it turned me off Tim Roberts forever!!!! 1 stars
12/28/02 Jack Sommersby Repellent and whoppingly inept. 1 stars
1/08/01 Keanuette Bad film but KEANU'S in it so has to get 5 stars! 5 stars
7/12/00 Tom Interesting film. 4 stars
10/25/99 Dr. Fardook Book is better (as always) but still... fabulous 5 stars
7/04/99 Sleeper Utter rubbish 1 stars
6/15/99 David Van Sant got lucky with "Drugstore Cowboy"; this is the type of film he's really capable of 1 stars
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  02-Jul-1993 (R)
  DVD: 02-Nov-2004

  06-Jan-1995 (15)

  02-Feb-1995 (M)

Directed by
  Gus Van Sant

Written by
  Gus Van Sant
  Tom Robbins

  Uma Thurman
  Lorraine Bracco
  Pat Morita
  Angie Dickinson
  Keanu Reeves
  John Hurt

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