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Taint, The
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by Charles Tatum

"Something Just Taint Right"
4 stars

I...wha- Alright, I am speechless. This film has rendered me completely without words.

Phil (Drew Bolduc) is a really dumb high schooler (held back two years) who has just been run off a farm girl's property by her reaper-bearing, openly defecating father. After his escape, Phil notices something is up with the people he is meeting. All the men are sporting giant climaxing erections and are smashing women's heads in with heavy objects...not an every day occurrence.

Phil is saved by Misandra (Colleen Walsh), who explains that the drinking water has been tainted (hence the title; see, it's nothing dirty), and then she tells the story of her perfect marriage being upset by the water. Misandra eventually had to kill her husband in self-defense, emotionally cradling his brain in her hands.

As the pair travel to a fabled well that has not been tainted, they meet a band of men led by Phil's gym teacher Mr. Johnson (Cody Crenshaw), now going by the name Houdini. He then tells his story to the pair, also recounting how his life has changed due to the mass poisoning. Eventually, Phil and Misandra find out how the taint came to be, and Phil's own past is examined before he fights back.

I'll say it outright- "The Taint" may be the grossest film I have ever seen. Thanks to some top notch gore and digital effects, blood and other bodily fluids fly across the screen and drench the cast in sticky goo. I have seen some weird stuff in my years as a film critic (go ahead, check my other almost 750 reviews on this site), but this film is "special" in every sense of the word...and do you know what? When I wasn't cringing at the lead actor actually vomiting onscreen, I was laughing out loud at instantly quotable dialogue along the lines of "Who was that large cocked man?".

Drew Bolduc also wrote the script, and it spoofs all those post-apocalypse films we have had to sit through in the past thirty years. However, Bolduc doesn't take a winking approach to his subject, he out-Tromas Lloyd Kaufman himself, coming up with psychotically offensive material about misogyny, gang rape, abortion, child abuse, homosexuality, and even American flag desecration. I guess I am recommending this (to only the strongest stomachs and jaded eyes) because directors Bolduc and Dan Nelson force the viewer to watch this skewed world. This flies at a breakneck pace, and if you can make it through the first ten minutes, you should be "alright" through the following hour. While the screenplay's structure is a good idea, once in a while I was lost as to what I was watching. Phil's flashbacks are not as well defined as the other characters', but I eventually caught up. Just a small problem in an otherwise memorable film.

Technically, the film is outstanding for such a small budget. Nelson did the special effects as well, and they are pretty incredible. Bolduc has the musical credit, a professional soundtrack with one of the funniest montage songs ever recorded. Bolduc is hilarious as Phil. With his Ziggy Stardust haircut and open-mouthed expression, it was a joy to watch him stumble onscreen. The rest of the cast all deserve kudos, especially in a film that many of them probably couldn't slip into the DVD player at Grandma's house to show what they have been doing while away at college in Virginia.

I cannot reiterate enough how violent "The Taint" is. However, in this day and age, and in light of current events, it's like a breath of fresh sewer stench to remind us of how human we are. For more information and to satisfy your curiosity, go to http://taintmovie.com.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=21889&reviewer=325
originally posted: 01/10/11 15:48:47
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  N/A (NR)
  DVD: 12-Mar-2013



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