Double Jeopardy

Reviewed By Chef ADogg
Posted 10/12/99 01:00:42

"Watch as Tommy employs the psychic energy of his sideburns."
1 stars (Sucks)

This movie could have been dumb fun for some people--you know, it's the kind of movie that you can pick apart, looking for all the loose ends and discrepancies in logic. You can marvel at the bad acting, direction, and script. Hell, you can marvel at the fact that the damn movie even got made. I can imagine it working on that level. But...personally? All I saw was sideburns.

Tommy Lee Jones with mutton chops is a creepy looking sonofabitch.

I've never really been a Tommy Lee fan--over the years, I've seen him play the same role over and over again. That works for some actors (Bruce Willis has made an entire career out of dotting the misfires with stints as John McClane, and we as a nation stand united behind him), but the role that Tommy Lee plays is not one that I particularly like.

He always does the whole tenacious-pursuer thing. I'd like to see Tommy Lee, just once, being the pursuee. If I had my way, in his next film Tommy Lee would be cast as a coked up porn star with a two foot cock being chased across the country by a feminist cult intent on chopping off his weenie as a statement of female empowerment.

But you don't always get what you want. Sometimes you have to settle for what Hollywood gives you. And, right now, Hollywood is offering up "Double Jeopardy."

It's the kind of thriller that makes you wonder why you even bother with thrillers anymore. It's the kind of movie that, upon hearing the plot, the words "lackluster," "mediocre," and "downright idiotic" come into mind.

It's the kind of movie that, upon viewing, replaces thoughts of "downright idiotic" with "retarded, formulaic waste of time." You walk in, you're fairly sure that this is just going to be another pointless retread of supsense films past--and then you're jolted within twenty minutes by the sheer godawfulness of what you're watching.

Unfuckingbelievable, you say to yourself. I paid to watch this? I just put some more money into Tommy Lee Jones' pocket? Ashley Judd just further squandered her talent? The assholes in this room are actually clapping, cheering, and generally having a great time?

But, you know, I almost clapped myself. In a scene near the end, Tommy Lee Jones gets shot. It looks like a pretty bad wound from where the audience sits, and you think he's dead. But the camera moves in tight, we sit in rapture for a few moments, and then he miraculously revives himself--drawing on the energy of his sideburns.

That's also, in case you were wondering, the place from which Tommy Lee Jones gets the small amounts of personality, intelligence, and charm that he does posess. As for talent--well, they're just sideburns, man.

They can't fucking do everything.

This slop has been number one at the box office for three weeks now. I think that makes a greater statement about the combined intelligence of the public than I ever could, with all the words in the world.

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