Jamie Kennedy's favorite movie review site
Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 

Overall Rating

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 3.23%
Just Average48.39%
Pretty Crappy: 25.81%
Sucks: 22.58%

4 reviews, 7 user ratings

Latest Reviews

Psycho Goreman by Jay Seaver

Coming 2 America by Peter Sobczynski

Raya and the Last Dragon by Peter Sobczynski

Jumbo by Jay Seaver

Blithe Spirit (2021) by Jay Seaver

My Zoe by Jay Seaver

Nomadland by Rob Gonsalves

Stylist, The by Peter Sobczynski

Hidden Man by Jay Seaver

Writer's Odyssey, A by Jay Seaver

subscribe to this feed

Expendables 3, The
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Dawn Taylor

"The perfect action flick for guys who can count to three."
3 stars

The Expendables 3 is a supremely self-assured movie. It’s made by people who know what their audience wants and needs from the film, and have carefully, lovingly crafted it to those specifications.

The title, for starters: The Expendables 3. This is the third movie about The Expendables. There’s no need for some colon and a girly subtitle! It stands its ground, and says what it is! It’s The Expendables, dammit. Number Three. If you saw the first two, and you’re willing to pay money to see the third, all you need to know is that it exists, and you will buy that ticket, because there will be manly men, and guns, and explosions. For the third time.

The film starts smack in the middle of an action sequence, like a dirtier, louder, dumber James Bond film. There’s a Russian prison train. Sylvester Stallone is flying a helicopter, with Jason Statham and Dolph Lundgren hanging off the sides. There’s shooting, and mayhem, and Stallone lands the ‘copter on top of the train, Stathem and Lundgren board the train, and then there’s more shooting and mayhem. They rescue a crazy-eyed Wesley Snipes, and head off for more adventure. [!]Wooo-hoo!says that guy in the back row who you want to kick in the nuts.

After a bit of light-hearted, testosterone-charged banter, the gang engage in more driving and yelling (“GO GO GO!” is how Stallone gives commands), and one of the team ends up in the hospital. Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up for a minute to tell Stallone, “I’m getting out of this business, and so should you,” and then leaves (don’t worry, he comes back later!). Next, Stallone bumps into Harrison “Action Grandpa” Ford, playing a rumpled bag of skin in a suit who a) performs the Exposition Man duties to explain who the bad guy is for this installment, and b) delivers the time-honored “you fucked up the mission, and you only get one more shot” speech. Ford ends his scene by telling Stallone, “Relax, you’ll give yourself a stroke” because in case you didn’t notice yet, they are very old.

The Parade of Geriatric Action Heroes continues with Mel Gibson as the picture’s featured villain, who we see pay $3 million for a painting so that we know he’s rich. Then Stallone gives a speech to the Expendables about how doing what they do is going to end up with them all dead, and he can’t live with the responsibility of getting them killed. Then he heads off to Do What Needs To Be Done, because he’s a Lone Wolf, and a Real Man, and he Walks Alone. Which apparently means finding new guys that he doesn’t care about so he can get them killed instead.

Because he doesn’t really walk alone! Not even close.ExPen3 has a bigger cast of heroes than either of the films that came before it. Kelsey Grammer, some sort of talent scout for Expendables, takes Stallone on a tour of younger, prettier potential team members (including the supremely awesome MMA fighter Ronda Rousey.) Stuff happens. The old Expendables and the new Expendables don’t like each other. Unsurprisingly, grudging respect comes about after they all kill many, many people together.

The whole thing has a jovial, self-mocking quality that assumes the viewer is fully aware that they’re watching famous actors working for a paycheck (Stallone initially rejects Antonio Banderas as a team member because he’s too old, and when Snipes is asked why he was imprisoned, he quips, “Tax evasion.”)

For lack of a better word, The Expendables 3 is cute. That seems an odd description for a movie that’s largely just shooting, explosions, and death. But it has all the gravitas of boys playing in a sandbox … it’s just that, in this case, the boys are middle-aged, slightly over the hill movie stars.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=25909&reviewer=413
originally posted: 08/15/14 17:45:26
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell i did not like the first one 1 stars
3/15/15 mr.mike "Average" is a compliment. 3 stars
11/05/14 meep Rather boring, have lost interest in this series 2 stars
9/04/14 Charles Tatum Best of the series 4 stars
8/17/14 Sugarfoot If you liked the first two (which I did) there is no reason you won't like part 3. 3 stars
Note: Duplicate, 'planted,' or other obviously improper comments
will be deleted at our discretion. So don't bother posting 'em. Thanks!
Your Name:
Your Comments:
Your Location: (state/province/country)
Your Rating:

Discuss this movie in our forum

  15-Aug-2014 (PG-13)
  DVD: 25-Nov-2014


  DVD: 25-Nov-2014

Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 
Privacy Policy | | HBS Inc. |   
All data and site design copyright 1997-2017, HBS Entertainment, Inc.
Search for
reviews features movie title writer/director/cast