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Overall Rating

Awesome: 31.25%
Worth A Look: 23.86%
Just Average: 3.41%
Pretty Crappy: 6.25%

5 reviews, 146 user ratings

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Rock, The
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by Rob Gonsalves

"God save us from Michael Bay."
2 stars

About 'The Rock,' the newest model off the summer assembly line, I have just one question: Why Alcatraz?

The plot -- concerning a terrorist's threat to launch poisonous rockets at a major city -- could, in theory, take place anywhere. But Alcatraz is a cool location and The Rock (the nickname for the long-defunct prison) is a cool title, so the terrorists set themselves up in Alcatraz. Makes perfect sense. Hey, it's summer.

The terrorist in question is Ed Harris, a disgruntled Marine furious at the government for their failure to honor the soldiers who died under his command. Instead of going on 60 Minutes, as some real-life military men with a similar complaint did recently, Harris points four missiles loaded with VX gas at San Francisco and demands reparations to the tune of $100 million.

So it's Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage to the rescue. Cage, a chemical-explosives expert, and Connery, the only man who has ever escaped from Alcatraz (well, him and Clint Eastwood), infiltrate the Rock and try to disarm the missiles. They also make sure to get into a gunfight every so often.

This is all entirely as synthetic as it sounds. Director Michael Bay (who did last year's hit Bad Boys) is a graduate of the MTV Mixmaster school of action filmmaking, which teaches that rapid-fire, unscannable editing makes the carnage more exciting. It doesn't, and much of the action feels thin and inauthentic. Essentially, if you've seen the trailer for The Rock, you've seen the movie.

What you don't see in the trailer are the performances of Connery and Cage, who are both reasons enough to see almost anything. Connery has perfected his grizzled-old-lion schtick. No other actor can match his wry authority. Yet he's also in something of a rut. Connery hasn't been really surprising since his comic turn in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. He's great at what he does here, but he needs to try something else.

Cage, on the other hand, is up for anything, whether it's munching a cockroach in Vampire's Kiss (watch for the in-joke reference to it early in The Rock) or drinking himself to death. In The Rock, Cage has the guts to play a wimp -- a guy who's been in the rear with the gear too long -- and he hits wild notes of fear and hysteria. He's the sanest man on the screen, and maybe his honest performance makes Sean Connery's testosterone look worse than the filmmakers intended.

As for Alcatraz itself, I was surprised how little was really done with it. It could be just any big building with catacombs and bars. And the terrorists could be any terrorists. This was the last production of Jerry Bruckheimer and the late Don Simpson, and like most of their hits, it's thoroughly impersonal.

'The Rock' will likely make Nicolas Cage more bankable, but I can't work up much enthusiasm for it. Its box-office glory will be the latest triumph of low expectations and low standards.

link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=603&reviewer=416
originally posted: 01/16/07 23:31:31
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User Comments

7/24/11 Quigley Bay's best film. Cage and Connery are great, and the action scenes are thrilling. 5 stars
5/26/11 chris c This and Bad Boys are the only good Michael Bay films rest suck 4 stars
11/19/09 Jeff Wilder The ONLY Michael Bay movie worth your time. Fun if nowhere near original. 4 stars
10/17/09 JR Even though I loved The Rock, I still enjoyed Rob's review. Good points... 5 stars
3/25/09 Dan Halberg kind of liking watching Bond in old age, still spitting one-liners. I liked it 4 stars
1/16/09 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
7/25/08 The Dork Knight Gentlemen, welcome to the rock 4 stars
2/07/08 Anthony Feor It's sleek, it's fast, and most of all, it rocks. 4 stars
10/02/07 R.W. Welch Hardly convincing, but Connery manages to keep it afloat. 3 stars
6/15/07 al smith bays films may be dumb but does that bloke know action 5 stars
5/14/07 Dave I loved it 5 stars
5/10/07 Austin Wertman Awesome action 5 stars
3/01/07 Dude Awesome movie 5 stars
2/17/07 Double M Wow, seems that many people just can't enjoy a movie. entertainment at its best. 5 stars
2/11/07 johnnyfog WOW. Stoopid. 2 stars
1/17/07 David Pollastrini great action 4 stars
9/09/06 Sepi53 one of the greatest action films ever made!!! 5 stars
12/24/05 harry Spectacular Action Scenes,Jerry Bruckheimer/Micheal Bay team rocks 5 stars
12/24/05 D to the C you faggots got small dicks if you dont like this movie you fags 5 stars
11/25/05 cooler Hey Kumble Go FUCK YOURSELF ASSHOLE,Fuck you hibby X,skippy and Kibble,Movie rocks. 5 stars
11/22/05 hibbyX Movies like this are the beginning of the end of filmmaking as a whole. 1 stars
11/20/05 skippy Truly repugnant crap cinema at its very worst. 1 stars
11/20/05 Kibble This is seriously one of the worst films I've ever seen...Bay truly is the devil. 1 stars
10/25/05 Crumbcake Just dump a vat of testosterone on the audience...same effect. 1 stars
10/23/05 Suk-R-Punch Total crap from beginning to end...Bay is the worst director ever to...well...direct. 1 stars
10/18/05 Gumbo Big, dumb action trash for big, dumb morons with no taste in anything. 1 stars
10/16/05 Crapture If this is "good" action...um...what is bad? 1 stars
10/15/05 OodlesofOs Everyone involved in this film (or a fan of it) is gay...just admit it. 1 stars
10/12/05 Bryant Gumby THE CROCK...of shit. 1 stars
10/11/05 Johnny Cake Sweaty, macho, sexist, who-has-the-biggest-balls nonsense! Worst film ever made! 1 stars
10/10/05 Biz-e Michael Bay is the worst director ever to grace this green Earth...he should be killed. 1 stars
9/22/05 Jakub A big, festering, nuclear-sized turd bomb. 1 stars
9/16/05 John on the nose, overblown unrealistic not even Connery can save this 1 stars
9/15/05 drippy Globs and globs and globs of gloppy poopiness. 1 stars
9/06/05 Bitchum One of the worst movies I've ever seen in a theater. I should have walked out. 1 stars
9/05/05 JubJub Sucky suck poo poo suck 1 stars
9/03/05 Tom Burns Has some great action, and great thrills, and a great cast. 5 stars
9/03/05 Craven This was just unbelievable crap. I couldn't believe how stupid it was. 1 stars
9/02/05 Mailk This is one of those films where everyone who likes it is a complete moron. 1 stars
9/01/05 ES It was fun, fast paced and excitineg, great characters bring it alive 5 stars
8/31/05 unlimited everyone who tells me they like this I immediately punch them in the teeth. 1 stars
8/30/05 Vasquez a cinematic bowel movement 1 stars
8/29/05 Brisbane Quick-cuts, sweaty close-ups, and action trash for nincompoops, inc. 1 stars
8/28/05 Blissful Johnny "The Rock": the crappiest movie serving all your ADD needs since 1996. 1 stars
8/28/05 Jabberjaw FUCK MICHAEL BAY, FUCK NICK "CAN'T ACT" CAGE, FUCK SEAN "OLD FART" CONNERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/27/05 hicks Me likey esplosions und stuff gettin' blowed up good. 1 stars
8/27/05 Joker Don't you mean "Action Garbage for Dummies"??? 1 stars
8/26/05 cam-ron "Vampire Films For Dummies" 1 stars
8/25/05 Termite This movie is trailer park chic. 1 stars
8/24/05 Copper Fans of "Home Improvement," Auto Racing, and Adam Sandler LOVE THIS MOVIE!!! 1 stars
8/24/05 salamone This movie has an audienc and a reason for being. It's to keep idiots occupied. 1 stars
8/22/05 MC Serch A big, retarded, self-satisifed, sweaty, macho, posturing, faux hip mess of a movie. 1 stars
8/21/05 Chumscrubber The film that, unfortunately, put Michael Gay on the map...ugh. 1 stars
8/20/05 marv Big-budget circle jerk...that's RIGHT ON THE NAIL there. 1 stars
8/19/05 Cardigan Gave me motio sickness worse than BLAIR WITCH ever did. 1 stars
8/19/05 Gaston I loved this movie, for you see I am a moron and I love big dumb things this like... 1 stars
8/18/05 JiJi I wonder how many gallons of fake sweat they needed to make this pile of crap?????????????? 1 stars
8/17/05 stumblebug Hands down the stupidest movie I've ever seen...I could feel my brain cells dying. 1 stars
8/17/05 JeunetRocks Michael Bay is the devil...stop supporting his dreck, you cretins. 1 stars
8/16/05 jacob MONKEY TESTOSTERONE HOMO-EROTIC HOT BUTTER SWEAT FEST...heh...that was pretty good. 1 stars
8/14/05 calli The camera never stays still...not once...not for ONE SECOND... 1 stars
8/14/05 Mr. Teal What a giant a load of glossed-up garbage! A pile of sewage with a gold frame. 1 stars
8/13/05 President Evil The world is full of morons...many of them made and went to see this movie. 1 stars
8/13/05 ash The cinematic equivalent of GAY PORN...deal with it... 1 stars
8/12/05 Willard Mr. ES too stupid 1 stars
8/12/05 ES Mr. Connery too good 5 stars
8/11/05 cumber PUT THE ROCK BACK ON THE CHAIN, YO!!! 1 stars
8/10/05 SidVicious All you guys that love this movie love it for all the sweaty male close-ups, don't you????? 1 stars
8/10/05 AmandaGhost One of those little green balls (homo-erotic imagery?) should be shoved in M. Bay's mouth. 1 stars
8/10/05 celia This movie will leave you breathless...at how a piece of refuse like this could be made... 1 stars
8/09/05 Krull When people say this is a great movie, I wonder what home for retards they escaped from... 1 stars
8/08/05 Dredd I think Michael Bay, Nick Cage, and Connery should have just gangbanged one another instead 1 stars
8/08/05 Chris Redfield This should have been called MONKEY TESTOSTERONE HOMO-EROTIC HOT BUTTER SWEAT FEST... 1 stars
8/07/05 Usagi Yojimbo Quite possibly the stupidest movie ever made...no wonder you cretins love it... 1 stars
7/26/05 Ice-T THE ROCK IS OFF THE CHAIN YO!! 5 stars
5/25/05 D. Proctor Is that MR. PETERSON? GREAT MOVIE 5 stars
4/22/05 Indrid Cold 30 years ago, this would have been considered a masterpiece. It's totally forgettable now. 3 stars
3/05/05 N. Peterson One of my favorites, and it is not "stupider" it is "more stupid"!!! 4 stars
2/26/05 Bana the action sequences will leave you breathless 5 stars
1/20/05 Mr. Durden Great movie, Cage is hilarious. One of Jerry's last good movies. 5 stars
11/12/04 Archanist_101 Not exactley "Face/Off" but... I can make an exception for this once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
9/14/04 Naka Loud, fast, and utterly silly...but not without its charms. 4 stars
8/06/04 G-man cage & connery= the best 5 stars
5/11/04 J.Peckerfoot Its watchable but not worth kissing bruckheimer's ass for! 3 stars
3/24/04 Alan I've probably seen a stupider movie, but I can't recall it. 1 stars
11/27/03 John looks like a bad comercial only Connery is some kind of saving grace 2 stars
10/13/03 Ian brilliant film 5 stars
10/27/02 Matt Neopalitano Connery "kicks all ass". 5 stars
10/26/02 MarktheShark6 Cage at his best... 5 stars
10/14/02 Charles Tatum I can still smell the testosterone 4 stars
10/10/02 The Talking Elbow Shitty lines like: "Winners fuck the prom queen" "My wife IS the prom queen" god have mercy 3 stars
9/27/02 snowconehead Not the best, but the best of Bruckheimer 5 stars
7/28/02 Jon Turn your brain off, sit back and enjoy. Fantastic film. 5 stars
5/21/02 Homecoming Queen that nobody has fucked Still waiting for my winner (both guy and movie)! 3 stars
4/20/02 Bront One of the best 4 stars
3/16/02 J A little flawed, but overall a very good action movie. 4 stars
3/15/02 Rockitman007 One of the Best Action movies! 5 stars
1/06/02 Frédéric Geerts The best action movie there is 5 stars
1/02/02 Scream-Mania Best action movie in history. 5 stars
11/01/01 Spectator very good 5 stars
11/01/01 Ghost One of the best films ever 5 stars
10/28/01 Shams Huque Great action. Very slick production. Best popcorn film of 1996. 5 stars
10/03/01 Bruce Awesome action, can't be beat 5 stars
8/08/01 E-Funk Michael Bay has two bearable movies...this is one of em'. 4 stars
8/06/01 Brian One of the best action movies ever made. Cage is brilliant and Bay does an awesome job! 5 stars
5/27/01 Jesus Christ Superstar A fun and goofy action movie. Marks the end of Nicholas Cage's hardcore acting. 4 stars
5/11/01 Finity one of my favorite movies of all time 5 stars
5/07/01 Movie coolest action movie on all world 5 stars
3/28/01 TheRock One of the best summer action flicks ever made 5 stars
2/13/01 Jake What a joke. atleast I found it comical. 2 stars
2/05/01 Crazy Scot awesome 5 stars
1/26/01 Iggy not bad for a cage flick 4 stars
12/31/00 Msitrab One of the Top 10 action movies of all time 5 stars
12/03/00 Cristopher Revilla great action flick, cheff a dogg, your an asshole, go fuck a dog!! 5 stars
11/12/00 Joe Edge of your seat film 5 stars
10/26/00 JC23 Great action film 5 stars
8/10/00 Terrie Smith Pretty good action flick. Connery and Harris fine; Cage is annoying. 4 stars
7/25/00 Vesse Best movie EVER!!! 5 stars
6/30/00 AAC Awesome car chase, overall very good. 5 stars
6/12/00 DAVID Movie had some kick ass scenes!!! 4 stars
5/29/00 danilo the movie will keep your eyes glued to the screen 5 stars
5/11/00 DatherFrawdad 3.5 stars for a movie this great is ridiculous! 5 stars
4/06/00 Gremlin Connery, Cage, Harris, need I say more 5 stars
4/04/00 Bruce A really cool action flick 5 stars
1/11/00 dr.d a good action movie 5 stars
8/22/99 Cage Against The Machine Are you joking CHEF ADOGG??? One of the greatest action flicks ever!!! 5 stars
8/18/99 Matthew Bartley One of the all time underrated video greats 5 stars
5/09/99 Ah Dooey Absolute badass 4 stars
4/28/99 CageSUCKS Nicholas Cage - enough said 2 stars
4/27/99 Michael Grimm good action 4 stars
1/14/99 Dasha Great action flick. 5 stars
11/12/98 Jules The beginning of the end for Cage. Some of the most contrived "action" scenes ever... 1 stars
10/29/98 Silent Rob Connery's apology to San Francisco for having been in 'The Presido'? 3 stars
9/16/98 Ben Affleck Top notch action film, Cage and Harris take this film all the way. Vanessa Marcil is HOT!! 5 stars
9/06/98 Young Einstein Stonking flick. 4 stars
9/04/98 Jon Best Action Flick of ALL TIME 5 stars
8/30/98 Johny Nothing original, just fun 4 stars
8/29/98 Mister Whoopee Solid action flick. No pretensions. 4 stars
8/25/98 Miss Stress Sean Connery is still awesome. 4 stars
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  07-Jun-1996 (R)



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