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|National Lampoon's Last Resort
by Chris Parry
Sometimes people find out that I’m a film reviewer and think that it’s an easy gig. To that, I simply say the words “I had to sit through National Lampoon’s Last Resort,” and suddenly they understand. I don’t think I’m overstating things to say that I have looked into the eyes of Satan and in those eyes I saw this film. This is, without doubt, as bad as filmmaking can possibly be. It’s incomprehensible, it’s as unfunny as anything I’ve ever witnessed, it’s cheap, it’s boring, it’s offensive (in a bad way) and to top it all off, it stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.If this flick cost more than $50k to shoot, someone in the crew was sneaking money home in their lunchbox every night. It’s supposed to take place on some desert island resort, but it’s so obviously shot on Malibu that the filmmakers don’t even try to disguise the fact. The ‘production design’, if you can call it that, consists of two-dimensional stand-up scenery cutouts, the kind that you might find in an elementary school stage play. But these pale in comparison to the underwater scenes, in which actors prance about in front of a blue background like puppets pretending that they’re actually in water, while the ‘bubbles’ fall downward instead of up.
"If there's a god in Heaven, everyone in this movie is heading for hell."
Now clearly a lot of this fakery is intended to be ‘wacky’, but its not even close to comedic territory. If you’ve got no production budget, then be smart about it, don’t just try to make your lack of cash a running joke. I mean, should the next filmmaker that can’t afford a big star just make an entire movie with sock-puppets instead and play it as a sight gag? He’d be laughed out of town, which is exactly what happened to the Corey’s after this nightmare.
The storyline: imagine the worst excuse for an island movie and then halve it. Crazy uncle of a Corey owns an island resort and is about to lose it to an evil guy if he can’t raise a loan payment ASAP. Corey and Corey enter the scene and blunder their way to success, making terrible jokes, overacting and getting poon-tang in the process. This storyline has not only been done a million times before, but it was done EXACTLY the same in another film starring Corey Feldman called South Beach Academy. It’s one thing ripping off other movies, it’s a whole other thing to rip off your own.
As for the screenplay, suffice it to say that I feel anally raped after having sat through 80 minutes of this shit.
Bad guy: I’ll carve you into strawberry pie.
Henchman: Oooh, that’s my favorite boss.
Corey: Is that with or without whipped cream?
Now, what the hell? You select any retarded 12 year-old and if he or she can spell, I’ll bet $50 right now that they could write funnier material than this.
So who were the unfortunate malcontents that put their name to this hideous garbage as writers? Patrick Labyorteaux and Damian Lee. Labyorteaux us better know to most of us as the guy who played ‘Ram’ the jock in Heathers. Lee will forever go down in history as the producer/director of the multi-Oscar award-winning classics, Ski School and Baby on Board. For those bombs and this pile of dung, both he and Labyorteaux should be not only blackballed from the industry, then dragged behind a truck for sixty miles. Honest to God, if you told me right now that I had cancer, it couldn’t feel any worse than watching National Lampoon’s Last Resort from start to finish.
Hey, Christopher Reeve, cheer up! At least you’re not a Corey!
How could National Lampoon, an organization that once put out the most subversive, satirical, hilarious literature of a generation, end up putting their name to this excrement? Why would they even do it? Were they paid for the use of their name? Did someone within Lampoon think this film had some kind of merit? Surely not, as there’s not a shot in this movie that’s even properly framed. It’s a study in smug incompetence, a perfect example of what happens when you give the director’s chair to a guy with no experience and a handful of dollars.
They should show this movie in film school to attempt to ensure it never happens again. They should show this movie in prison to torture those on death row. They should beat the Corey’s with a baseball bat and cite this film as the justifiable reason why. They should… you know what? Fuck this movie. Fuck the Corey’s. Fuck this director and his piece of shit script. Yeah, I know, I’m supposed to be constructing a legitimate review here, but fuck it all. This film is so bad it just makes be burn, you know? There’s a hundred thousand people in California alone that are more qualified to write/direct/edit/perform in this film that people who did, and they would have realized the gravity of the task had they been given the chance. Take a sixteen-year-old who watches lots of movies and give them the half million and you’ll get a botched job, but at least it’ll be a botched job with feeling. This movie, on the other hand, looks like everyone who made it was stoned off their freaking gourds and that whatever awful script was actually written in the first place was thrown aside so that the Corey’s could adlib. Badly. Awfully. As piss-poorly as you’ll ever see.
Public Enemy #1 in this case is Corey Feldman. He’s like the kid at school who really thought he was funny but just annoyed everyone 24/7, only here they’ve made that annoying fuckwit the star of a movie. He spends the entire film in a Joey Jeremiah fedora hat and a lame-ass tie and every word he says is a joke. A bad one. An awful one. The worst jokes you’ve ever heard in your life. He, I wish to kill.
Public Enemy #2 isn’t much better. Corey Haim, by this stage well into a cocaine addiction that has him, to this day, appearing in any flick that can raise $400 and an airline ticket, spends the entire film in a pair of board-shorts with a virtual reality helmet on his head. He refers to himself continually as a ‘cyberpunk’ and says things like, “Oh no! Byte scramble!” He, I would like to punch repeatedly.
But the big mama public enemy of all public enemies is the director of this cinematic landmine, Rafal Zielinski. This hack should have given back his fee after turning in such a beyond-pathetic finished product. This talentless boob, who seems to think that comedy consists of having two villains dance the tango while a Corey yells out such witty insults as “Faggots!”, doesn’t deserve to share a job title with such people as Hitchcock, Jarmusch, Hartley, Kurosawa. Undisputed imbeciles such as this guy deserve to spend a month up to their neck in raw sewage for their crimes against the audience, and when Zielinksi does depart this mortal coil, there’s a very special place for him in the ‘anal stretching department’ of cinema hell.
There is no earthly reason for anyone to subject his or her self to a film like this. It’s beyond terrible, the kind of thing that will leave you far dumber for having been through the experience, and I swear to you, if I ever see Corey Feldman in the street, I’m going to punch his fucking lights out because I had to experience it.Let’s see Ebert say that on TV.
link directly to this review at https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=6349&reviewer=1
originally posted: 11/09/02 18:08:39
| For more in the National Lampoon Movies series, click here.